[Gretchen]

I usually, well usually always regret sharing things very personal, which would include my feelings for my therapist. So for those of you who have told your therapist your feelings did you regret it or are you glad you did?

[WhiteClouds]

I'm glad I did. It helped me own a truth, process it, and move on. It was actually pretty liberating. He of course understood and was professional. it hasn't been awkward or anything. It has actually become more productive. Best of luck. I hope that at some time you can come to the place of telling your T.

[0w6c379]

I regret it. If you don't want your relationship to change I'd say don't tell.

[sesame]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I regret it. If you don't want your relationship to change I'd say don't tell.

I'd actually somewhat agree with this. Once it's out, it's out.

Once my therapist and I discussed our feelings on the topic, he gradually began wanting to see me less and less, and more frequently began cancelling and rescheduling appointments. Of course, it could have been due to personal issues, but my gut feeling says otherwise.

[Ike McCaslin]

I wrote my PDOC a letter for her to read in session. It was liberating and I'm glad I did, but I still have a ways to go.

[wintergirl]

I was so afraid he was going to terminate me, or that our relationship would change, but telling him actually ended up being beneficial to my therapy. But I still care for him a great deal, so I have a ways to go, too.

[Sunne]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I regret it. If you don't want your relationship to change I'd say don't tell.

I don't agree. Transference is the stuff of therapy! Usually it means therapy is working.

If you and your therapist are open to working through it, much can be learned!

I don't regret it for a second. Sure it has made things intense, painful, and sometimes really weird and confusing.. but it also is healing, liberating, and can be used to illuminate that which needs to be worked on.

[Millygirl]

Originally Posted by sesame

I'd actually somewhat agree with this. Once it's out, it's out.

Once my therapist and I discussed our feelings on the topic, he gradually began wanting to see me less and less, and more frequently began cancelling and rescheduling appointments. Of course, it could have been due to personal issues, but my gut feeling says otherwise.

I've read a lot of posts here, and elsewhere, and also heard firsthand the experience of a friend. It has convinced me not to tell. As much as I really want to. It does change things. Many people are happy they did, but as time passes cracks seem to develop over a few months afterwards with, in some cases, a real souring of the relationship on one or both sides. Should it be healing? - yes. Is it sometimes healing? - sure. But it looks to me about 50/50 at best in terms of it still being a good thing after the dust settles. My friend's transference /crush got even worse and telling her T . She felt rejection deep down - even though her T seemed to handle it in the proper way. Sure therapists should know how to handle it and be trained etc etc, but don't forget - in the end you are just two people in a room and training and degrees might not win. You don't know deep down how they are really feeling about it. For some therapists it could be tremendously uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to consider this first. I know I won't do it after tirelessly learning about others' experiences. Besides, my T can read me like a book...I'm sure he already knows.

I'm so very glad I told my T. She handled it perfectly/professionally and after that session, is when our real work together finally began and I started making progress and a year later, we're winding down our sessions. I've been talking about terminating for a couple months now and recently she did admit "you don't need therapy anymore. I'd call this work more like self-improvement." It's a very individual thing, whether you tell your t or not; I admit I do tend to encourage people to tell because my experience went so well. But I also believe everyone needs to decide for themselves whether to tell or not. Each one of us knows our own t relationship better than anyone else - so really it's something you gotta pull from inside yourself whether to tell or not. Hope this makes sense just sharing how I feel about it.

[MASIMO]

Telling him has strengthened our therapeutic relationship.

[Gretchen]

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I decided not to say anything because at this time I couldn't take the rejection and also I inappropriately fall in love/lust because I'm so ****ing dysfunctional so I'm sure I'm not REALLY in love him. I just can't stop fantasizing about him sexually.

thanks again

[Gretchen]

I'm surprised at how many people told their therapist how they felt about them. I would be TERRIFIED. It would seem like to me it would make things terribly uncomfortable! How does that help therapy ramp up and evolve? I don't get the connection.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Diana Fosha has some GREAT articles on this - just google her name.

[feralkittymom]

I think it is wise to be cautious. Theoretically, it is important to be honest in communicating all feelings as clearly as possible. And theoretically, Ts should be trained to handle all such feelings.

But the fact is that not all Ts are well-trained enough to work with and resolve all transference issues, whether they are about money, various fears, parental, or romantic/sexual.

And some Ts practice within modalities that de-emphasize transference, and may have chosen those modalities to specialize in in order to avoid transference work.

If the therapy is within a psycho-dynamic framework, the odds are higher for a successful resolution. If the T has been trained at the doctoral level, the odds are higher. If the T has psychoanalytic training, the odds are higher. If the T has substantial experience in the field, the odds are higher.

All transferences are difficult, but which is most difficult is very dependent upon the individual vulnerabilities of both client and T. If the T works with children and families, a parental transference is usually not a problem. If a T works with sexual issues, a romantic/sexual transference shouldn't be a problem.

I think it would be prudent to give some thought to the training of your T, and the orientation of your work together. I would also pay special attention to how your T has handled difficult feelings in your therapy to date.

If you feel confidence in your T's general approach to your feelings, you might want to ease into the subject by revealing a few thoughts you've had of your T that reflect romantic feelings. Maybe a dream or day dream you've had. See how he responds.

Such thoughts are very common, and usually aren't really about romantic love or adult sexual desire. They often reflect childhood needs. If the issues that brought you to therapy trace to very early childhood, the appearance of sexual feelings could be seen as a developmental step in maturity. If there is a history of familial CSA, the sexual feelings could be a pretty common consequence of that.

You don't have to dive in--you can test the waters and move slowly. But please believe that you are not weird or sick or terrible for having such thoughts.

[Gretchen]

.....i am a CSA survivor who was repeatedly molested/raped by a parent so sex and anything related to that is always tough territory. He is aware of my history. He and another psychiatrist also are treating me for C-PTSD, bipolar and DID so they've got their hands full

if ok

[tired all the time]

If you are not comfortable talking to your therapist you have the wrong therapist for you. I am female and am much more comfortable with a female therapist. My experiences with male therapists were not good. They seemed to want to answer and solve all of my problems without even knowing me. Very annoying.

[Gretchen]

Originally Posted by tired all the time

If you are not comfortable talking to your therapist you have the wrong therapist for you. I am female and am much more comfortable with a female therapist. My experiences with male therapists were not good. They seemed to want to answer and solve all of my problems without even knowing me. Very annoying.

I've been in and out of therapy my whole life, he's my 6th therapist. I've always had female therapist's and they get on my nerves because they get very motherly with me when they become more familiar with my history.

["Tilly may"]

Im having "longing" for my therapist. I feel needy. I told her that I am feeling needy and that I am afraid that she wont want me to come back anymore. she didnt say anything. im not going to mention it again unless she brings it up. None the less i feel sick , love sick, its just insane.

[HealingTimes]

I told her, and i don't regret it at all.
In fact, if anything, it's helped therapy.
I see this relationship with my therapist as a unique and special thing, that i have never had with anyone else. I miss her, i love her, i hate her (at times), and i know that she will understand all of this.

For me, therapy is my last ditch attempt at overcoming my issues, and as such, i have to be as honest as possible with her, ir she cant help me.

When i told her that i sometimes had erotic thoughts about her, and other times i want her to be my mum and adopt me, she ALWAYS makes me feel OK about it.
In fact, she told me that she used to have erotic transference about her therapist, and how she used to imagine that they would leave their spouses and run away together.

[airplane8888]

My T was surprised when I talked about my attraction. She really didn't ever address transference with me, just said there was nothing romantically in our client/T relationship. I felt like I got pushed in a corner where she stores the stuff she feels uneasy with.

airplane

[Lauliza]

It's interesting but from reading so many discussions on this topic, it seems like the most positive experiences are had with female therapists. It makes sense, since women (and this is a stereotype but is often true) are usually more in tune with their own and other people's feelings. They tend to understand the subtle nuances and have more ability to read between the lines. Of course there are men out there who are also in touch with people's feelings, but they also often see things in black and white. I've seen both male and female providers and though the men were kind and sensitive, they still tend to take things more at face value than women. I think that it's true that they've all been trained in transference, they are still humans in the end and no amount of training will erase your instinctive reaction. I think women are more at ease with the topic than the men anyway. I think women are used to the concept of crushes from both males and females and don't get as uncomfortable with them as men do. Men, even if they theoretically agree, have a harder time compartmentalizing things, at least when related to sex and love. We are socialized that way. I could be over generalizing, but it does seem to often be the case, at least in the context of erotic or sexual transference.