Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

I am so sorry. It's a line in the sand they just shouldn't cross but it sometimes scares me how broken and human T's are. I would never excuse what your T did, however. But the remaining attachment must hurt and I am so sorry.

I had a scary moment early in therapy where my T, in an effort to impress me, almost crossed a different line. He wanted to tell me the story of a famous person, possibly a conservative politician from what I gathered, and how this person was fired on day 1 of therapy. I was in the awkward position of having to remind him that even assholes deserve anonymity. He backed off and never told me who it was. That is the only time I had to set the boundary, but it must not be a patient's job to do so.

I don't mean to compare my minor situation to yours, I guess I just want to say I think I understand how this stuff can happen. I love my T and I think if he wanted to be intimate it would be hard for me to refuse, even though part of me might know he is being abusive. I hope you can find an ethical T who specializes in treating those abused by other T's.

It is still a loss and I feel for you. Take care.

Thank you for all the feedback everyone.
Today I have come to a realisation that nothing in life is mearly black and white, there are shades of grey in every situation in our lives. You just need to be able to dissect the good parts from the bad parts. Hold onto the good parts and throw the bad bits out with the garbage. I could choose to come away from this experience feeling like a victim but i choose not to. We choose to do things in life because at the time its what we need. At that point of my life it was what i needed. I needed to know if i was a normal sexually functioning woman.

My husband and I had not been intimate for so many years due to his medical problem. I had to know for my own peace of mind if i was a "normal" woman. After spending years and years of worrying and douting myself it was a massive relief to discover that yes i am normal!!!!! My husband never told tell me that due to his surgery that he would have problems with maintaining an erection. It was only by chance that i found this was the case. For all those years my husband led me to believe that the sexual disfunction in our relationship was all my fault and that there was something wrong with me! I needed to know the truth! I needed to prove to myself whether my husband was right in blaming me for the lack of sex in our relationship. To my surprise I discovered that i was perfectly normal. OMG what a huge revelation that was to me. I needed to know the truth and it does not matter who provided me with that knowledge. The way I see things is that what would be worse? Having to live the rest of my life thinking and wondering if i was to blame for our sexual problems? Or would i prefer to know that it wasnt me and that I was perfectly normal woman? I know which i prefer even though it means going through some pain and heartache now. I now look at the pain and the confusion as a trade-off for what i ultimately needed to know.

Yes, Im having to deal with the fall-out of the situation but he too has to live with the consequences of his actions. He has been de-registered as ever being able to practice again and is looking at the possibilty of spending time in prison for his actions.

To summarise....at the end of the day we both got what we wanted.
I dont regret what i did for a moment. Im sure that some of you will judge me. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion. However unless you have walked in my shoe you cannot judge me..... In my heart of hearts I now know that what i did was right for me and am now finally at peace with myself and ready to heal and move forward in my life ....

Good for you! It's all a process. More shall be revealed.
I am jealous that you have legal action that will protect you and others.
Glad to hear you've found some peace. If/when you testify, you can always access that place.
Take care.

Have no idea what the future holds in store Jungatheart. All I know is that I had no choice but to do what I did in order to be able to receive therapy for what happened to me. I reported him to the relevant government authorities and submitted a statement stating exactly what happened. As far as im aware I wont need to testify in court. Will have to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

In the meantime I need to regain my life and move forward. Of course I wont ever be able to forget what happened but in time I can look back to that period in my life and no longer feel pain. That is when i will know that I have healed.

He had already been de-registered from practicing even before I reported him. Hopefully my statement will re-inforce the extent of his sexual abuse and prevent anyone else from being subjected to his abuse.

Thank you for listening and allowing me to write down my feelings. It's helped more than you can imagine

Hi Lizzy,

I am so sorry to hear this happened. Although you say that he didn't force you and that you wanted it to happen at the time, he was still in a powerful position and you were the vulnerable one coming to him for help and from that aspect, it is still very much abuse and you have every right to feel as upset as you do.

I am glad that he has been deregistered but that doesn't stop your pain and the pain of unfortunately we don't know how many more. He took advantage of someone in need of closeness.

I think you have been incredibly brave to seek therapy again and I hope that once you can build up some level of trust that they will be able to help you. As with any situation, therapy doesn't make it instantly better, so sometimes there is a low before we come out of it which may explain why you arent feeling better with therapy.

It is going to be hard also as being in therapy may be triggering but I hope you can get the help you need.

Thank you for your words of kindness and encouragement dizgirl2011. I don't see myself as being brave by seeking therapy. Seeking therapy is something that I must do to come to begin to heal and to move on in my life. I trusted and relied on my former therapist for 20 years of my life. I learned to rely on him as being the father that I never had. Now I have to let go of him and of the past and move on in my life. I realise that it wont be easy but my current therapist seems to understand my needs and has enrolled me in attending group sessions specialising in Emotional Management. Initially I will be attending a ten week progam from the hours of 9.15am to 2.30pm. This program will includes assisting in developing mastery over emotional distress. Core Mindfulness Skills are the focus on the the group. Depending how I feel after completing this program I will attend a 30 week DBT program which is designed to focus on how to tolerate overwhelming distress, to be assertive, to understand and manage emotions, to reduced self-destructive behaviours and to improve self worth and sense of self.

Hi! I'm very sorry to hear your story. U went to your therapist and exposed all your inner feelings and workings of your mind. What usually happens whenu share the inner workigns of your mind is that all your weaknesses as a human be come to the surface and now u become vulnerable! Don't u see what happened here? I'm sure u c it now!

I've had the same thing happen to me but not with my T. Since then I've been inprisoned in my own hell. I feel worthless and abused.

If in your heart u felt that going to a T was necessary to work things out in your mind then that's ok. U were looking out for yourself... the only problem was is that your T saw it as an opportunity to take advantage of your trust that he, or she, would be able to help u.... What he did was take advantage of u and u had every right to report him.

I hope ur husband can find it in his heart to forgive u...

Good luck to u and I wish u all that best....







Hi

Thank you almostthere,
I realise that what my therapist did was very very wrong, however at the same time I enjoyed our meetings and looked forward to seeing him. I still miss him but am slowly letting him go. He is no longer in mind every waking hour. Sometimes I allow myself to indulge and fantasize about being with him but i no longer obsess about him.

I see no point in telling my husband what happened. It wont change the situation. The situation is what it is. What good is telling my husband going to do? There's nothing to be gained by telling him....i would prefer to spare him the pain. What happened happened and im dealing with it the best i can. Bringing my husband into the situation would just make matters worse.

Hope you are in a good place and wish you luck and happiness also

xxx

Just to update you on how my situation stands at the moment. I have told my husband the entire story regarding the sexual abuse from my former therapist. My husband supports me and says that nothing has changed between us. He says he loves me and will stand by me.

If eventually his feelings and thought about me change so be it. If and when that happens I will have to deal with that later.

Im still going through hell and confusion over what happened. Things haven't really changed all that much. There are two parts of me. One part hates and despises this man and the other part misses him and still grieves over him.

Apparently there are two other women apart from myself that my former therapist abused. He did the exact same thing to them as he did to me. I spoke to the police today and agreed that i would testify in court against him. I realise this going to be a very long and painful process however I want to do it and do everything in my power to see him punished for what he has done. Of course there's no guarantee that he will go to prison. The Law is not always just and fair and he could get away with a slap on the wrist.

Whatever does happen I feel that its my duty to speak up and expose this predator for what he is. If there is a God he will be punished. The hurt and torture that he has put me through will probably never go away, i have to deal with this pain the best that i can. Take one step at a time. This is really difficult for my to write about. Seeing my feelings in text is really confronting and very painful for me. As im writing this im experiencing panic attacks.

Thank you for listening.

If you are experiencing panic attacks, please....deep breaths, calming exercises, get off the board and have some personal time to get yourself together. I know how scary those can be.

First and foremost Lizzie, I sympathize with your experience. Obviously I'm sorry for whatever lead you to this course of action, obviously you had a lot of pain to deal with, and no one jumps into an affair...lightly, no less one in which the person you're supposed to be getting help from, is your seducer.

However....it does take two to tango. Nicole says you "did nothing wrong." While I feel for your pain, that is not true, and you SHOULD examine beyond desire, the need to feel wanted and needed and desired, what really lead you into this affair. Things, don't just "happen."

Now before I say one word about that, where I agree with every single person on this board, is that your therapist should be taken to task with everything that could be thrown at him, he should lose his license, if there are legal actions that can be taken against this predator, the entire book should be thrown at him. This man intercepted when you were at your weakest.

But I think you need to do a lot of self examination as well. I feel empathy towards you, having a partner who is unable to perform because of physical reasons, is a very difficult thing to deal with, but instead of going to your partner and attempting to find common ground, you did in fact CHOOSE to engage in a three year affair with your therapist. No one, from what you're writing about here, put a GUN to your head, you were not co-erced into this relationship, you willingly went there, and that is going to require self reflection, not to mention, you will need someone REAL to speak to, as you now have an additional problem to add to whatever you were in therapy for, this being infidelity, and from what I can gather, therapist or no therapist, you engaged in an affair for the very same reasons most people engage in affairs, that being, their relationships are forcing them to seek what they do not have elsewhere. It could be EASY to blame the majority on this upon a therapist who chose to pounce when you were weak, and believe me, this IS something he did, and he should be removed of his ability to practice. However, you DID accept and receive his affections willingly and for 3 years at that. We're talking about a long term affair. Those don't happen just because....

I read that you've already discussed this with your significant other, and that he's forgiven you, is frankly amazing and miraculous, but I hope you were frank about the the entirety of the situation and didn't blame it ALL on your THERAPIST because aside from it being untrue, it's not going to help you heal in the long run and solve the issues that caused the infidelity in your marriage. Living with a lie will hurt EVERYONE involved, MOST OF ALL YOU.

I wish you healing and hope.

Idk - i believe the client is legally the victim of a crime that the therapist committed. And let us try to remember that we want to support, not judge?

Hankster, I am absolutely NOT judging. But there is a distinction from not passing judgement and buttering someone's delicate onions. I feel absolutely horrible for her. I made this clear.

But I think it's unhealthy to live....with a chronic lie. It eats away at you. I know this. I did this. Before I was married, I was in a long term relationship, and it was BAD. It was a very psychologically damaging relationship, in which he manipulated me, and a whole bunch of weirdnesses. I was in a touring rock band, and began, towards the big blow up ending, to cheat. The opportunities were there, and I took them. Never mind that he'd been cheating on and off with me. I was determined to be the bigger person and by the end? Nope. I didn't.

And I didn't tell him. Not til it kept me up at night, caused insomnia, and made me absolutely self destructive. Doing wrong, is not the same as BEING wrong. She's a beautiful hurt human being, but she did, something wrong, and something thankfully her husband is forgiving her for.

And if you read everything I wrote, I ABSOLUTELY think she was the involved in a crime committed. I believe that this therapist is a predator, and worse, a multiple offense predator.

But as intense as it can be, as skilled as he was, as much emotional leverage as he had over her, and moreover at a time when she was vulnerable, it does NOT absolve the issues that brought her to AGREE to have this affair. And those issues are worth examination, hopefully with a therapist that isn't a creep or a criminal.

I hope this is made clear by my response. That and I hope that bastard is put out of business and more.

Being abused by a therapist and a boyfriend is so different. Your extremely vulnerable and they have the advantages of all the skills of a therapist. They have the tools to change a person and to betray that trust and use it selfishly is totally sick.

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There's a reason why Ts could face jail time for this- you might not like it (I sure don't) but they can have a significant power over us and mess our minds up. After 7yr of intensive therapy I am thanking God that my T is highly ethical cause I'm not 100% sure that should he decide to groom me I would be able to recognize it for what it is and stop it. And no, he's not my type at all (20+older, shortish, getting bald and with a beer belly).

LizzieVale- I'm so glad that your H understands. I have nothing but great respect for your decision to stand up to this perv- takes guts to take him to court. I hope he gets what he deserves.

Coltranefanatic, I've been a lurker on these boards for close to five years. I've never been compelled to respond to any post until this moment, hence my registration today. Your reply to the OP is the single most damaging response I have read here to date. I definitely am part of the *face the truth and own your ****** brigade but you clearly have no concept of what it means to be groomed by a predator.

This is a story that might be a little similar to yours.

Surviving Therapist Abuse - My Story

A book I found useful- the Betrayl Bond. Not specifically about therapy abuse, but about how abusers use our needs to hurt us.

Is your therapist helping you? Mine has worked really hard to be supportive and to constantly reassure me that this was not my fault. None of it.

Coltrane, we need you to learn more about this issue.

I do completely trust that you are trying to be supportive.

Therapists are trained to respond ethically even to SEDUCTION by their clients. They take an oath.
There is no way that any client enters into a relationship with a therapist with trully informed consent.

Therapists who do this very gradually groom their victims - pushing boundary after boundary. Until the final leap into the relationship is only a tiptoe over a threshold. Just like a sex offender luring a child - building trust, stretching reality, isolating the victim . The therapist has listened to the client for hours- and knows exactly buttons to push to manipulate the client's feelings.

I don't know that anything that I say will change your position, but I need to make sure that people who have experienced abuse at the hands of the person who they should have been able to trust most - their therapist, hear that the client, while a participant , doesn't share blame.

Exactly! As I read the OP, it reminded me of how it felt to be seduced by my stepfather when I was an adolescent. After the abuse was over (it went on for 6 years), I, too, had mixed emotions. The shame and guilt I felt was only made worse by my mother, who knew what was happening but never fully acknowledged it. She also blamed me. What finally helped me to put the blame where it belonged was a therapist who told me, "He was the adult. You were the child. I don't care if you would have asked him to do that. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT."

LizzieVale, the dynamics of what happened with you and your therapist are, in my opinion, the same as sexual abuse of a child. There is an inherent imbalance of power and responsibility. You were vulnerable. You received some good things from him. I received some good things from my stepfather. I felt loved, accepted, attractive, and worthwhile. It took a lot of healing for me to realize that I was not to blame, and that my mixed feelings about him were to be expected. I hope you find the peace and healing you deserve, and that you will NOT blame yourself.

Thank you Topiarysurvivor.
I've taken a quick look at the book you suggested and I will get myself a copy. Sounds interesting and could be helpful in understanding and dealing with the emotions that im going through.

I've also read through the story that was posted on the link you suggest i read. There were a few things that i definitely can relate with and i totally get what the person is going through.

Statements such as: " I felt so completely loyal to him that I never considered betraying his trust. I was incredibly grateful to him for allowing me to have this “gift,” I could never do anything to hurt him. I literally prayed that no one would be harmed as a result of our involvement, and that if harm were to come to anyone, it should come to me. Since I believed he was doing this for my benefit, I thought I should be the one to bear any burdens."

In this this next statement Im trying to work out if this is that what i did? What exactly is "dissociating"?

"After any sexual contact, I usually felt spaced out and “floaty.” At the time, I simply thought I was “blissed out” on our lovemaking. It never occurred to me I might be dissociating. My out-of-body state masked any feelings of pain, discomfort, or distress so that everything looked perfectly rosy.

My current therapist reassures me that I am not to blame for what happened but he's not dealing with the feelings and the emotions that im going through. After my appointments with him I feel as though I haven't gained anything in dealing with my emotions. If anything i feel as though im banging my head against a brick wall and wasting his time. I feel resentful and angry because he simply dosn't understand the feelings and emotions that im experiencing. His answer for dealing with my feelings is to prescribe me yet another drug of which i simply toss the script into the bin.

My current therapist is a "psychiatrist" and not a "psychotherapist". My former therapist was a psychotherapist .
The approach of Psychoanalysis and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy is that the source of much of what people think, feel, experience and fear is hidden or unconscious. These unconscious processes can maintain people’s internal suffering, the impact of trauma, crippling emotional difficulties and unsatisfactory relationships within their social and cultural contexts. The therapeutic relationship is the foundation for this method and requires commitment and responsibility from both the psychotherapist and patient/client. The aim is to work together to make sense of patients’ emotional life and ways of functioning. The work makes links between present and past as well as emphasising the patients’ here-and-now experience. Exploration of the conscious and unconscious aspects of the therapeutic relationship (also known as transference and countertransference) makes this work different from other therapies or from talking to a friend.

Hence my former therapist was able to delve into my head and knew exactly what made me tick and also exactly how to manipulate me.

LizzieVale, I don't know how it is in your country, but here in the US, very few pyschiatrists actually do therapy with their clients. They are mostly there just for prescribing and managing meds. Maybe some of the resources others have shared with you could help you to find a better-equipped therapist? I am glad to see that you are posting here, and hope you find what you need to heal.

I Thank you tametc

Looks as though psychotherapists are a pretty rare breed here in Australia also. I took it for granted after 20 years of seeing my former therapist that not many therapists are prepared to invest so much of their time and concentrated effort into helping their patients. I suppose that's the reason I became so close to him. He knew absolutely everything about me.

Even if i could find a decent psychotherapist I've been advised that if i do decide to stand up in court and testify against my former therapist I should keep my current therapist onside. Keeping in mind that this is going to be a lengthy and drawn out case I dont see how im going to be able to seek the help that i so desperately require.

I'm in the US and do therapy with a pdoc. I like it, and I like that my mental care is not split between two people.

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That does sound useful. Too bad there aren't more pdocs who do therapy--it seems as though it would simplify things for the client. How old is your T? I wonder if it's mostly the older ones who don't do therapy? Of course, some of the pdocs I've had experience with would make lousy therapists, but some psychotherapists are lousy, too.

What exactly is a pdoc ?

Have never heard of this term in Australia.

If you go on the TELL website there is a huge list of books that will help. If you contact them you will get amazing support and understanding (I did)