[lbdrox]

I thought I was over him. I hadn't seen my ex-therapist in a year and a half. And now I see him at least once a week and I get really nervous every time. I hate this feeling of anxiety, of pure terror and not knowing what to do with myself. I always run away from the feeling and I run away from him physically too. I wonder if I should stop and say hi, because maybe then it would go away. Or would it make it worse? I'm so incredibly frustrated because I went through a year of therapy for this, and I feel like it didn't help much. I still turn into pure mush every time I see him. Oh, and I'm dating someone, so it makes me even more upset when I see him because I feel like he should be out of my head. Especially when there's someone else...

[Syra]

That sounds really hard. And it makes perfect sense.

[lbdrox]

Originally Posted by Syra

That sounds really hard. And it makes perfect sense.

So you're saying I shouldn't expect it to change, ever?

[Syra]

Originally Posted by lbdrox

So you're saying I shouldn't expect it to change, ever?

I'm sorry. THat's not what I meant to imply at all, but I wasn't very clear. It just made sense to me that seeing him again would bring up all kinds of stuff. And I understand how confusing that could be while you are in another relationship that you like, and don't want this kind of disruption. That's what makes perfect sense. And I don't think the fact that you turn into mush when you see him needs to mean anything about your new dating relationship.

I expect it will change. I would expect that one day you might wake up and realize you aren't as troubled by it as you were a week ago, or yesterday, or last year. or you might notice slow, subtle changes. Both might happen. slow changes and then all of a sudden noticing a big change.

I also get the idea that maybe stopping and saying "hi" would help things. I wonder if it feels like saying "hi" would then get rid of the fear of facing him again. That makes sense.

I thought I was over someone once - only for them to reappear in my life and disrupt things again. That actually happened several times. Each time I got little bit less disrupted. It's easier to handle. I can articulate more about what is going on for me. and I even learn and grow from the crummy experience of seeing them again.

[HazelGirl]

I get what you're saying. I had a male mentor once that I ended up feeling a certain way towards. But he was married and I knew that. So I ignored it (pretty well, actually). I didn't know then that this was just transference, but knowing what I do now, it makes perfect sense. I have seen him a handful of times (maybe 5?) in the past two years, and those feelings still return. They don't bother me so much and I have come to accept that they point to a deeper need of a male authority figure to treasure and love me now that I know what they are, but so far, it hasn't gone away or gotten much better. Hopefully eventually it will.

[lbdrox]

Thanks for the explanation; I appreciate it! It's just really hard to think that it will go away. It's funny, because i used to think about him all the time but i didn't see him. Now he's out of my head but I get a first class view! The thing about talking to him is that I think he's seen me a few times, and he never stopped to say hi. So I'm not sure how I even feel about it now! lol. It's good to know that others have been through this too, so I know I'm not crazy! Even though it really sucks. So anyways, thanks for replying and I have some thinking to do...

[HazelGirl]

You are definitely not alone.

[lbdrox]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

You are definitely not alone.

Thanks again. It really helps to know that.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by lbdrox

Thanks for the explanation; I appreciate it! It's just really hard to think that it will go away. It's funny, because i used to think about him all the time but i didn't see him. Now he's out of my head but I get a first class view! The thing about talking to him is that I think he's seen me a few times, and he never stopped to say hi. So I'm not sure how I even feel about it now! lol. It's good to know that others have been through this too, so I know I'm not crazy! Even though it really sucks. So anyways, thanks for replying and I have some thinking to do...

I get that it is hard to know that it will go away. It didn't feel like it would with me. I thought it would feel this way forever. I've felt that about many things in my life. Nothing has lasted that long. I still feel that way again sometimes. and it still has never lasted forever. But it feels that way sometimes.

If he's seen you a few times, he may not feel he can initiate any contact. A lot of professionals have a rule about not initiating contact with clients seen outside of the office. It's about confidentiality.

[lbdrox]

Yeah, true say! When I'm 70 I probably won't remember it, lol Do you think it's ok if I said hi to him? Or is that my own breach of some sort? Maybe I should just forgive (yeah right!) and forget. As best as I can.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by lbdrox

Yeah, true say! When I'm 70 I probably won't remember it, lol Do you think it's ok if I said hi to him? Or is that my own breach of some sort? Maybe I should just forgive (yeah right!) and forget. As best as I can.

If there was nothing unethical about your relationship and the parting was not due to a negative reaction on one person's side, I don't see why you can't say hi.

[lbdrox]

Well I'm not sure about either of those... It definitely wasn't a good relationship on my side, and he crossed some boundaries. (Not physically or sexually or anything.) And yeah, I quit. So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by lbdrox

Well I'm not sure about either of those... It definitely wasn't a good relationship on my side, and he crossed some boundaries. (Not physically or sexually or anything.) And yeah, I quit. So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure.

Hmm...that makes it sticky. I would say go with your gut feeling. Do you want to say hi? Then do it. Worst case scenario is that you have an awkward conversation. If you don't want to, then you have no obligation to do so.

[Syra]

I wonder if the fear of recognition of each other is worse than just doing a "hi" that recognizes each other but also is very contained and within boundaries -perhaps sort of corrective. Do you think it would be like that? or woudl it be different?

[lbdrox]

Originally Posted by Syra

I wonder if the fear of recognition of each other is worse than just doing a "hi" that recognizes each other but also is very contained and within boundaries -perhaps sort of corrective. Do you think it would be like that? or woudl it be different?

That's actually a good idea. I wonder if we would end up talking though. I don't know if I would want that. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't even know if he really knew who I was. It's possible that he forgot. So maybe the next time I see him, which should be in a few days, I'll take the plunge. ?