pregnant...

I wasn't here for a long time.
Now I don't know what to do because I'm pregnant from my T for almost 3 months. I was taking contraceptive pills so I was shocked how can I be pregnant (maybe it's because I took psych meds too). I didn't tell this to my T because I'm afraid he would be mad but I started to see female T to talk about my anxiety because of pregnancy but I didn't tell her about my T.

I'm not with him. It's really weird relationships. I was obsessed with him. One day it happened, I couldn't believe it's reality, he hugged me at the end of a session and it was a long hug, he held me so tight and we started to move our hands, then we started to kiss and then... yeah then we end it on a couch. I was so excited and next times it happened again and again. I was completely happy but then I started to want more, I wanted him to date me etc but we never met outside his office. He didnt take money for sessions. I started to feel sad because all we had was sex and therapy sometimes but I wanted to be with him in real life too.
I know he wouldn't be with me and now I'm pregnant and just don't know what to do.
I don't want to report him, I love him and I don't regret anything but I feel so sad that he is married and wouldn't be with me.

he took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. he needs to be reported. please do what is necessary. you dont know how many girls he has done this to. and he has to be responsible for that child. please tell your new t the truth. she can do what is necessary.

What do you want to do? I understand that you want to be with him, but, I suspect, you also understand that this, most likely, is not going to happen.

When someone says "I don't know what to do", that implies a question "what should I do?", whereas "should" doesn't apply when it comes to personal choices. The questions to ask in those situations are "what do I want?" and "what can I do?", but those are the questions only you can answer, no one else.

Also, I suspect, you don't see this situation as abuse of you as a patient. If you are really in Lithuania, as your profile states, the way you see your relationship with your T may have something to do with your cultural upbringing. If it does, I can relate to that somewhat because I am not originally an American. However, having lived in the US for many years, I adopted the American attitude towards many things, professional misconduct included, and so I don't see reporting an ethical violation as a betrayal of the person, who committed the violation, just because I have a personal relationship with him.

I understand your hesitance to report because your feelings for him are strong at this point and I am not trying to convince you to report. I am also not trying to convince you that you were abused. I firmly believe that you were abused and that your T shamelessly took advantage of your vulnerability, but I don't insist that you believe it. What you want to believe is your choice. I would, however, ask you to consider that he might have done and might do in the future to other women what he did to you. Ts who violate ethics like that are often multiple offenders. Just because you don't know anything about other women doesn't mean there aren't any. I hope that at this point you'll be smart enough not to trust him and to take care of yourself. Once you make yourself a priority, you'll be able to see what you need to do.

I understand that you don't want to get him in trouble because you care about him but what makes you believe that you are the only client he has slept with? You may or may not be the first to be pregnant by him.

You are in a bad situation. Do you trust your new T? I would want an attorney too because he should have DNA tests to prove he is the father and he should pay child support.

I know you don't want to do anything to hurt him but he clearly did not keep your best interests in his mind.

You are not a bad person because this happened. He was in a position of power and he abused it.

I won't report him at the time I'm pregnant and I think that I couldn't forgive myself if I reported him, I would ruin his life, I don;t want to ruin anyone's life. It was my fault too. I got what I wanted.
It's really hard for now because I can't take meds anymore and anxiety is killing me. Sometimes I think I want to go to the hospital to feel safe.
I know I have to tell my T I'm pregnant but I'm so scared.
I don't think he abused me, I think he was weak. It's better not to think what he would do with other women, I don't want to destroy myself thinking about it, I know nothing about it but sometimes I want to stalk him.

First, I am so, so sorry you are where you are right now. The stress of pregnancy plus the stress of a broken heart must be so burdensome for you.

I second the question, what do you WANT to do?

I take it you no longer see him for therapy? What do you tell your current T about the father of your baby? Do you think you'll be able to support a child on your own?

I am sure reporting him feels daunting and horrible right now. While I think you should report him, I'd understand if you just didn't want to at the moment. However, even if you take absolutely everything else out of the equation, he is the father of your baby, and is partly responsible for the little one. Even if you don't want to get involved in any type of complaint, you may really need whatever support your country might be able to get you from him. A good place to start would be to talk to your current T about it, and get some emotional support for yourself around letting your exT know about this baby, that you will need help.

This is such a difficult situation, and I am sorry. I really hope you can reach out to your current T, and then maybe supportive friends and family, to work through this. I know you are currently loyal to this guy because of where you're at emotionally right now, but he's a married man who took advantage of your vulnerability AND his wife's trust, and you owe him nothing.

He isn't weak. He is a predator. He preyed upon your vulnerability and confusion regarding normal desires that arise in therapy. He abused you. It wouldn't be a stretch, at all, to presume he has had sex with other clients as well.

It doesn't matter if you stripped naked and begged him to have sex with you -- it was his responsibility to hold the boundaries and either transfer you to another therapist or work through these difficult feelings in a PROFESSIONAL AND ETHICAL manner. Let's not even get into the issue of him having a wife and his infidelity against her.

Melania, I'm sorry that this happened to you. Please lean on your new therapist, tell her everything, let her help you, let her be your strength in this time. She will have the proper perspective on what has happened. You are too emotionally involved to see it clearly in the moment but you need support. Don't carry this secret by yourself. It will drag you under.

A really helpful resource regarding meds during pregnancy can be found here: Psychiatric Disorders During Pregnancy. Are you sure you can't take any meds at all? PM if you'd rather talk it over in private.

And, if you have to go to the hospital to feel safe... do. I'm sorry it's such a struggle.

I'm confused - i thought it was a long time ago since you last saw that t, and that you had a different boyfriend recently. Now you are telling different story. Thats okay. Just surprised to hear this now. Wish you good luck and hope your family can help you

No, I don't have a boyfriend, I had my last boyfriend half two years ago but we were together for only a month and I don't remember that I told you or someone else that I have a boyfriend because unfortunately I don't have, I love my T.

Yeah, I was mad at you all and you were mad at me when I left this forum but as I remember I wasn't lying that I have boyfriend... I was going to some dates but there were nothing serious between us, just some dates a year ago, maybe you misunderstood me.

I also dont know where you get the information that I left my t, I remember you all were trying to prove me that I must leave him but I never did it.
I started to see new T because I needed someone to talk about my pregnancy which really scares me, my gynecologist is tired of me coming to see her too often.

So sorry to hear (yeah, I'm confused too... plus I thought you stated that having sexual relations with patients wasn't unethical in your country, i.e. this wouldn't really ruin his carrier "only" his marriage, should you decide to tell his wife- which I really don't think is a good idea)?
Anyways, be it as it may. If you are pregnant with a married man and you do decide to keep the baby you should get/sue for child's support. He may request DNA tests though but other than that you should be fine (God, I hope the same applies to your country legal system). You can't force him to have a RS with you/the baby but he definitely needs to pay- you're gonna need every help you can get.
It sucks that you can't take your meds now- are you sure/are there some other options? Have you talked to your Pdoc/OBGYN about it? Your current T might be helpful too- either way, good luck.

Thank you for the link
I stopped to take all of my meds because I'm scared that my child could be damaged, I love my baby because he is mine... I want him to be healthy, my new T told me that there are meds who I could take while pregnancy but I think it would be better for my baby if I wouldn't take any meds. It's really hard for me, sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind esspecially at nights when I can't fall asleep and see nightmares all the time.

If you were taking meds while pregnancy it would be helpful if you share your experience, you can pm me.

I told my gynecologist that I would feel better if I were at hospital but she said that everything is fine and I don't have to do this, she told me to see psychologist and that's all. I also don't go to the job anymore, I don't know why pregnancy scares me that much but I hope that my new T will help me somehow to deal with my fears and anxiety.

It was my fault too, I can't say I'm innocent, we both are guilty.
My gynecologist said that it would be better to avoid from any meds during pregnancy and take it only in emergency situations. My pdoc told me that there are meds which is allowed during pregnancy but as I realised I can live without my antidepressants but it's really hard to live without benzos. I have read on internet that some women took benzos during pregnancy but as a nurse I know that it's really dangerous and I want my baby healthy.
If I'm honest my pregnancy worries me much more than my T.

P.S. It is unethical in my country to have sexual relationships with client but it's ethical to do it after termination as I understand.

I took a low dose of Prozac during my entire pregnancy, which was remarkably uneventful and resulted in the birth of a very healthy baby boy. He's 8.5 months now and still doing great. Taking meds really scared me at first, but it was probably a really good decision in the end.

I know it's the benzos you're missing, but might an antidepressant help at all, even a bit?

You're probably scared about pregnancy because it's quite scary . But it can put things into perspective.

I don't remember you from before, so for now I'll take what you say at face value. Regardless of your situation with exT, you have to take special care of yourself right now, physically and emotionally.

The problem is benzos withdrawal.. It's not really horrible but caused imsomnia and high anxiety (but I think anxiety is because of fears of pregnancy).
I don't want to do experiments with meds during pregnancy, it can help but it can make everything worse. It seems that my baby is the reason for my life, he is part of me and my t who I love so much, maybe I would be completely crushed if I didn't have my baby, I love my baby more then everything in this world.

Do you think I have to tell my T that he will be father? As I said he is married and having two children, I don't think he would leave them for me and our baby. It's so painful.

I'll repeat that the most important thing is for you to think about what you want to do. I don't know the laws of child support where you are but as it is his child, you should makemsure he knows and takes responsibility. I know you care about him and therefore don't want to do anything you perceive as hurtful to him. However, Weak moment or not, he is an adult and should face the consequences of his actions. You certainly have to, so why shouldnt he?

I believe he abused his position and took advantage of you, but even if you don't agree please at least do what is in the best interest of you and the baby. I would also see a doctor soon about your meds. I know the thinking is
different in Europe but in the US many women manage to take some ADs successfully during pregnancy, I took Paxil during my third and it was a great help and there were no issues at all.

This echoes my thinking on how responsibilities are assigned in this situation.

Melania, it sounds like you are not willing to hold this guy responsible at all just because "it was your fault too" as you say. For the sake of the argument, I can accept that "it was your fault too" even though I don't believe it. But that speaks only about your part. What about his? It looks like you are not willing to accept that he has to take any responsibility for his part. The way you present this whole thing is that the guy is completely innocent and what happened is entirely your fault. Why is he completely innocent? Because he was weak? Who cares? Weak or not, he did what he did. His behavior belongs to him and he is responsible for it.

The second point is that if you care about your baby, then you would hold the guy responsible for the baby's sake, if you don't want to do it for your sake. As others stated, you will need all support you can get. It's very hard to raise a child alone and it's your responsibility as the mother to get as much financial support from him as you can. This is a very simple choice, really. Decide what is more important for you, to make sure that your child gets what he or she needs growing up or to protect the guy from any trouble and inconvenience this situation may bring him? You can either be protective of your child or to be protective of this man. You can't do both. It's your choice.

I don't want to weigh in on medications issue because I have a strong bias against psych drugs and therefore I don't want to influence your decision about this matter. Talk to your doctor and make a decision together with the doctor in terms of what would work best for you.

Unless it's your choosing, there are some medications you can take while pregnant. If/when I get pregnant, I will stay on my Lamictal and Lexapro. All my doctors (Pdoc, county Pdoc, primary, OB/GYN, and endocrinologist) agree. Are there risks to the baby? Possibly. But the risk would be greater if I'm not on them and they have some of the least possible side effects compared to other medications. Now the benzo's are not safe for a baby, so I can't take that.

For anxiety, so long as you have time to rest, you can take benadryl. I think it's a class B drug which the majority of doctors approve of during pregnancy.

You should definitely talk to your doctor about medications. You might think that taking no medications during pregnancy is best, but even things like elevated stress hormones can affect the baby. It's best to talk with your doctor about options. And be careful of herbal remedies. Example: Melatonin is a common sleep aid, but it actually affects your hormones. I think St. Johns Wart used for depression also affects hormones.

I do think you have to tell your T, even though this is all horribly painful, and here is why: because you love your baby.

I will echo what Ididitmyway, and spin it this way: this is your first taste of being that protective mother bear that you will have to be when your baby is born. You are already experiencing it by trying to go without meds (although I will reiterate, I don't think you *have* to, but I understand why you want to try). If you can apply the attitude of doing what's best for your baby that you are taking regarding meds, to the situation with your exT, then the choice is clear.

You do present the situation as if it were 99% your responsibility and 1% his responsibility, only because he provided the sperm that made your baby. But that's just not the case. In the best of situations, it's 50% your responsibility, 50% his. And that's assuming he didn't coerce you in any way, which you and I will disagree on -- but let's just call it 50/50.

To put it in perspective, think about how you feel about benzos. From what I understand, it seems that the risk for a specific birth defect goes from about 0.07% to 0.7%. (I don't know anything about miscarriage risk, but I haven't heard anything about it, and you're already at 3 months anyway, which ought to decrease your chances even on meds.) So, by saying no to benzos, you are saying "I know it's a small risk, but I want to keep that 0.63% for myself, because I want the best for my baby." And that's only 0.63%! Which, again, I understand. You want to give your baby 100%.

No parent can ever give 100% to their kid. It's just not possible to perfectly fill every single need. And your exT will not be able to be that full other 50% since he is married and has a family of his own, and is not likely to leave them. But he has more potential than 0%, and you owe it to your baby to try and get as much of his 50% as you can. It will hurt, it will be painful, but your baby deserves everything you can give him/her. For instance, you mentioned you're not working now? Babies are really expensive. There are ways to cut costs, but it's very expensive. You need all the support you can get, even if all he gives you is some money. You will need it. Your baby needs it. Your baby needs YOU to go get it.

If my T were here, I think he would wonder if you are used to taking full responsibility for things in your life. Whether maybe, when you were a child, you took responsibility for things that the adults in your life did to you, or ways they made you feel. Maybe you are taking on all of the responsibility for what happened between you and exT, because thinking about it as partly his responsibility -- as a professional, as someone you trusted, as a man with his own family -- is very painful. And that it's also very painful to think that he may have used to you, and may have used other women. Maybe it's just easier to say that you seduced him and now you're dealing with the consequences. These are deep questions that you will have to ask yourself.

But in the end, you have a baby to take care of now. Take care of yourself, because that is the best way to take care of your baby while pregnant. But some of taking care of your baby means doing things you don't want to do -- like confronting exT.

Could be you are confusing Melania with another poster? I know I did in the past cause the other poster came after Mel disappeared, presented similar troubles (different outcome- obviously) and similar syntax/spelling idiosyncrasies?

Melania, I don't think Hankster was implying you are lying.