Strong feelings for Pdoc - what to do

It ok!!!! At least you were brave and went and did not turn back like you were afraid to do. That is not a small thing - don't hate yourself.

Its totally fine and you can gather yourself and say more next time if you want.

Yes, at least I didn't walk away. In the waiting room I was thinking what I should do, wait or just walk out. And also during the appt I had the urge to say ''I quit'' and then walk out. It's kind of my thing to walk away from situations that gives me so much anxiety.

I hate how I can't make a good conversation. Like, I would do some research about 3 anti depressant and I did that. I didn't had a absolute choice, only one I really didn't want (because of weight gain), so it would be one of the other two. I even knew that I would probably first wanted to try Wellbutrin, because it's from another group then the ones I've already tried.

But I couldn't tell him this like that. I just shrug a little, said I don't know. He asked if I didn't understand what I've read. I said I did.
I mean, I understand very well what I read. I'm not that stupid. I might not have that high IQ as him, but it isn't low. He just makes me so nervous, I can't think clearly.
I wish I could have said: ''I'm not dumb, you know. It's just that I get so nervous by you, that I can't think clearly''.

I really wonder if he thinks I'm stupid.

One positive: I could see his chesthair Now, I don't like chest hair, but now I know what he has under his shirt And even though he has a hairy chest, I would still want to kiss him everywhere.

Its so funny no - even though you are totally anxious about saying something sensible, you still notice his chest hair, what he wears. Sigh....I can't wait to get back and be in front of him again and see some of his. I find it incredibly sexy.

Do you think it might help to write down this paragraph (about the 3 antidepressants) and practice saying the first few words or something? Then you can resolve only to start and say these words when you are there. Perhaps once you get started you'll be able to continue. I also find it much easier to look down, away from T's eyes and say something if it is uncomfortable. I try to forget he is there for a second and just blurt it out, and look for his reaction later.

My reading is that when he asked if you didn't understand, he was trying to be helpful or something in case there was something not understandable there. Not thinking you are stupid.

It would have been great to say "I'm not dumb, you know. It's just that I get so nervous by you, that I can't think clearly." I would save this line and see if you can use it another time

I don't look him in the eyes often. Only a few times. But even if I look at the ground, I can't seem to say something I find hard. I've always been like that. Even with my T there are still times when I find it hard to say something. Sometimes I know what I want to say, but I just can't bring myself to say the words. There's still some anxiety. I think it's also because I don't have many good experiences with telling things to therapist. Only with my current T I have good experiences. I think that also makes it harder to say stuff to him.
Liking him makes it hard to talk to him, and then there are also other things that makes it harder. My anxiety is too high when I'm with him.

Maybe, maybe he just wants to be sure that I understand it. But how I am when I'm with him... It's doesn't give a good picture of who I am. This is more teenager me. I can now talk to my T, it's not always easy, but it's much more like an adult. And I can talk to people, but just small talk, not about me and my problems and such. He also asked something about group therapy. I don't want to do that again, because it would be useless if I'm not able to say anything in group. He then said something. I should have told him that I can talk to people now, but only small talk and that kind of things. Not about me and my problems.
I can talk. Just not to him.

I wish I had thought about that line when I sat there. But my brain isn't really working when with him. I hope I can use it some time. I just don't want him to think I'm stupid.

I'll see him again in 5 weeks. But next week he'll call me to talk about the medication and if I experience side effect. I hate talking on the Phone. It probaly won't be very long, but still. I'll only talk on the Phone when I have to make an appt or something. I don't have conversations on the Phone. It's even worse than face to face.

I know. Even when I'm really anxious, I still notice things. Maybe because I look everywhere except in his eyes. Though I did look at this eyes a few times and now I know his eye colour

You like chest hair? I prefer a hairless chest. But I have notice that almost every artist or actor I find attractive has chest hair.
But even though he has chest hair, I still want to kiss his chest

Could you just say to him when you meet: my anxiety is too high when I'm with you? Maybe he could then take it from there.

I am not comfortable on the phone either, but its not as bad as it seems for you. The only suggestion that comes to mind is to have some simple things ready to say about the side effects. Sometimes the way around anxiety when talking is to go through it. You won't look stupid, you won't be rejected by your pdoc I think for pretty much anything you will say on the phone, so just try once saying it. Maybe it will build some confidence/trust.

Your point about group therapy is really important, that you may not able able to speak much. Its also worth trying to get across if he is wondering about you in group therapy.

I know what you mean! I notice A LOT of things too. Sometimes it makes me mad that I notice so much about everything and people around me, but they don't notice me.

I like some chest hair, not super hairy though. A little makes me feel that he is a man, different from me, which makes it attractive to me I think. What color are your pdoc's eyes? My T's are brown - brown hair, brown eyes.

You can have all the hairless ones

What you said about not having a good experience telling things to therapists, which makes you more anxious - maybe its something you can explore more in therapy if you feel its a big stumbling block.

That would be a good idea. He knows I had social anxiety, but that has gotten a lot less. Only you wouldn't say that when I'm with him.
Probably I good idea to have some things ready to say. From the other medication I've tried I didn't experienced side effects, so there wasn't much to say about those. I don;t know how it will go with these.

And about that confidence/trust; I would need to take some risk, tell him things I'm afraid for or ashamed about, to see how he'll react. That will show that I can trust him, and maybe make it easier to talk to him. But to take that first step...I really need to go through all that anxiety.

I don't get notice by people either, while I see so much.

My pdoc's eye color are blue or grey. I would need to be closer to see it beter, but then I would be too close. He has brown hair. I like guys with brown hair.

Yes, all the hairless are for me! But pdoc is also mine
I don't know how much he has. I hope it's not all over. If it's only a bit on his chest, I could live with that. Not that I would ever see him shirt less

I have mentioned a bit about not having good experienced with T's. A few months ago, I had trouble going to T. I was afraid she wouldn't like me and have enough of me being so difficult. And that I was afraid that she would terminate me. She was sort of shocked that I would still have these thought, because she has been with me for a long time. And that the therapy with her, that I'm still afraid the would do things that other T's had done.
I know there isn't any prove that she would hate me or dislike me, but still...

Its good she knows how you feel, though it surprised her.

Yes, pdoc is definitely yours

I wish! I just have to think, I've liked boys before him and there will be men I'll like in the future. It isn't like he's the one, though sometimes it feels that there won't be men who'll be better than him.
It's heart versus brain.

I think I'll say I want to quit, the next time I see him. It's still a month away, but it already gives me stress. He's in my thought so often. It's too much for me. So I think it will be better if I don't see him anymore. Then I can start on getting over him.
And I have a Phone appt with him in a few days. I get anxious feelings when I think about that.

How did it go?

The talking on the Phone? Not that good. I hate talking on the Phone. I didn't say much to him and I was the one who hung up. It was like ''bye'' and I hung up the Phone.

In 3 weeks I have an appointment with him. I already worry about it. I want to quit having him as my pdoc. It's better for me. But I'm anxious to tell that to him. Last time I quit therapy, I just didn't went anymore. Which was very rude of me, but my anxiety was so high I was afraid to call the office.

I'm just gonna write my thoughts about pdoc here.

So, I want to quit seeing pdoc. I know I said that before the last appoinment a month ago. That I wanted to tell him that I want to quit or that I wanted to tell him about my feelings. That didn't worked out like I wanted. I was so anxious I couldn't say anything.

My next appointment is in two weeks. I'm already getting nervous when I think about it. It's better for me to quit. If I won't be seeing him anymore, then hopefully my feelings for him will get less until they're gone.
The antidepressant I'm taking now isn't doing much. So he'll probably want to try an higher dose. And if that won't work, again a higher dose or he would want me to try another antidepressant. Whatever it would be, I'll have at least 2 more appointments with him and that would be another 2 months.
And all that time I'll be thinking about him every day. I would worry about our upcoming appointment. All anxious and sad feelings.
And I'm in therapy for other things. I need to foccus on that. Not on him. At least 75 % of the time that I'm awake I think about him. It's too much for me.

But now, how do I quit? I've never really quit therapy. Everytime I got refered. One therapy I did quit, but I did that by not showing up anymore. That's isn't the right way to do it, but I was very anxious at that time and they weren't helping me.
The easiest way would be to call the secretary and cancel my appointment. I don't know if he'll know it then. The secretary will put it in his online agenda. I don't know if they just erase my appointment or if they write that I cancelled it. If it's the first, then he'll never know. I don't think he would remember me.
But would this me the best way for me? The problem is then also that I'm without medication. He only gave me a recipe for enough medication until our next appointment. And I'm not sure where to find another psychiatrist. I would probably have to go to my GP.

Going to the appointment and seeing him one last time might be better for me. Then I should say at the beginning that I want to quit. Will he ask me why? Probably. Should I tell him the truth? He probably thinks that I don't like him. I don't say much to him and I kind of act ike I don't care, that I don't care what he says. Not sure why I do that. I think I'm afraid to be vunerable in front of him and to show him emotion. That's why I walked away one time, because my anxiety got to much and I had to cry and I didn't want him to see that.
I think I wouldn't mind if he knew the reason I want to quit. But it's telling him. I don't know how he'll react. He's very young. He's isn't a psychiatrist for that long.
I'm also afraid to tell someone, not only pdoc, I've feelins for them, because I think they would be grossed out. Like that they think: ''Ugh, why does that happen to me. Why does this disgusting ugly stupid girl have to like me. It's so disgusting. What does she thinks. Does she really thinks there would ever be a guy who would like her''.

Now I'm writing this, I get all anxious. How am I going to make it through the appointment. Thinking about seeing him makes my heart go faster. Because I like him so much, and because I'm so nervous to see him. I hate how I am when I'm around him. I hate that I can't say much to him.

I've two sessions with my T before I see him. So I will go talk to her about it. But we're talking about other things. Things why I'm in therapy for. Next session we had already planned something with which I wanted to talk more about. About which I need to talk about. Not sure how much time that will take.

I feel like such a mess and a failure. I feel like I just make a problem out of everything.

I talked a little bit about pdoc to T today. But not long because I first talked about other things and only said something about pdoc at the end. T thinks it might be better to tell him about my feelings. Because quitting is like avoiding/running away. And she's probably right about that. If I quit I do avoid my feelings for him, I avoid the anxiety I feel when I've an appointment with him. Avoiding is what I always do. And I can always decide to quit.

Telling him...that's so freaking scary. I'll talk more about it with my T next week. About how I could say it. I don't know. I wanted to tell him last time, but I couldn't say anything when I was there.

Maybe you could type something up and hand it to him? That will still be scary, of course, but you won't have to worry about how to say it.

Maybe that would be better. Or at least have it as a plan B if I'm too anxious to say it when I see him.

Just some ranting, blablabla

I'm worrying so much. I'm still not sure what to do next week. It's not him knowing I have feelings for him, I would be fine with that. It's telling him. I haven't said much to him since our first appointment.
How do I tell him? When I get into his office and we both have sit down, he usually starts with asking me how I feel. I don't know what to do. I don't tell things, I answer questions.
Do I just blurt out ''I think I want to quit having you as a psychiatrist''. I don't know how he would react on that. Will he ask me why or just say ''if you want that, then that's you right to do''.
Or do I throw a note in his face? I don't even know what to write on it.

I wish I had talked more to T about it, but she seemed a bit like she didn't want to discuss him much. Or she doesn't understand how much my feelings for him bother me. Even though I told her about the anxiety and the panic attack I had the last time I saw him. I think she had forgotten that she mentioned last week we would talk more about it in the next session. And of course I was afraid to bring that up. Stupid anxious me.
We've only talked about how I'm gonna make sure that I go and not avoid him and walk away.

5 more days. I'm thinking about cancelling. But then I don't know what to do about my medication. He only prescibed me enough for until our next appointment. I don't even know if he would know I cancelled. The secratariat would change it in his online agenda. But do they put down that I cancelled or do they just remove my appointment.
And id I don't go I feel like I would dissapoint T. Even though she's never dissapointed in me, or at least she doesn't show it. But it would feel like I fail her.

Ugh. I just can't stand my obsessive thinking about him. I just don't want these feelings.

That's annoying - I hate it when my T says we should return to something and then he seems to forget about it. The second time I brought up suicide, he didn't remember me having brought it up before. I wanted to punch him.

Anyway. You already made the decision to go to pdoc with your T, so just do it. Either things will stay the same, but at least you will have gone. Or maybe you will move out of your comfort a bit and be able to take out these feelings and have him help to carry some of them.

You said you don't tell things, just answer questions. But the answer to his question - "how are you feeling?" - can be "I am feeling very anxious/upset/overwhelmed because I have feelings about you that I cannot manage". No? Or something short, along those lines.

I think Frack's post that you go and tell him how anxious you are is a good one. And that phrasing is good too. You can say you've been very distressed and anxious because of feelings for him and have decided it would be best for you to find a new doctor. I think he will understand and support your decision and hopefully will give you enough medication to hold you until you find a new Pdoc. It may be a good idea to begin your search before your session (maybe also ask your T for referrals), just so you feel a little more confident in your decision.

That would be the right time, at the beginning when he asks me how I am.
Doing nothing at all would not be good for me. I'm keep going in the same circle. I go to the appointment. I'm quit and almost don't say a word. I feel stupid and mad on myself for not talking to him. Then I'm getting anxious again for next appointment. And then I'm also thinking a lot about him, which often leads too me feeling lonely and hopeless and thinking I won't ever get a boyfriend, which makes me sad...
It keeps going like that for the last 5 months. I'm so tired of it. It would be better to say something to him, how scary that may be.

That's bad, forgetting that you brought up suicide before. They can forget little things like a name or something. But something like suicide...