Strong feelings for Pdoc - what to do

I wish you well.
I have crazy intense thoughts for a long time that seemed to get worse but it's getting better. And without talking about it!
I made up my mind I was there to get help and I had serious things to talk about so I put aside my attraction.

Good that you were able to do that. I don't think I can do that. I've already trouble talking about myself. He is a man which makes it harder for me. He still feels like a stranger. He is my psychiatrist, I don't see him that much so it's hard to get to feel connected to him. It's not like with a T who you see every week. It hard to talk about such personal stuff to someone you don't see that much. And then the attraction makes it almost impossible to talk to him. My anxiety gets too much. I can't really control it when I'm in the same room as him.

I've already looked for psychiatrist, but it's not that easy. Most are working at a practise with mostly T's and I'm not sure if I can go there to only see a pdoc. This one also works at a practise. My T used to work there, that's how I got him as my pdoc. I hope he can tell me what to do if I want a new pdoc. Or I'll have to ask my GP.

I was away for the weekend. Even then I can't escape my feelings and thoughts. On the train journey home, I kept thinking about pdoc. First nice thougts. But then thoughts about him as my pdoc and about our upcoming appointment.
I'm so nervous. While thinking about him, all I wanted do to when I see him is yell at him. I don't know why I have that urge. I've had it before. I really wanted to cancel my appointment. And also T who I see the day after. I don't want to see either of them. I know I shouldn't cancel. That is avoidance. That is what I often do and what I need to change.

My T also think that I should tell him. Or at least that I shouldn't run away from him.

It feels so weird to tell pdoc about my feelings. I have only seen him 8 times so far. And since the first time I haven't said much to him. He still feels like a stranger. Maybe that is because I don't really talk to him. I'm afraid he'll think I'm so weird if I tell him that I have romantic feelings for him and that I think it's better for me to quit him.

I don't think he'll think its weird. You've had a lot of time to think about him even though you only met 8 times. I told my T after 3 or 4 meetings, about a month; he didn't think it was weird.

You might have said this before, but can your T suggest how to find a psychiatrist?

Thanks for telling me that. I've read a few times on here that people told there T about their attration after only a few times meeting their T.

I'm just so used to keeping everything to myself. Even after almost 10 years of in and out of therapy, I still think you can't tell everything to a T. I still feel like it's weird to tell your most private thoughts to someone you pay.

By the way, I keep writing on here because I'm trying to convince myself that I should go to my appointment with pdoc. Even though I hear I should go and my T told me I should go and rationally I know I should go, I feel the urge to avoid everything so strong.

Then keep writing!! There are a lot of nice people here listening I think.

Thats life I guess. Its hard to find people who you can say anything to and hope they will react with caring. As my boyfriend said to me once.....maybe the only person who will listen to everything you need to talk about is someone you have to pay. It was mean, but true, I guess. I am glad though that at least one can pay somebody to listen to everything.

It's still a few more hours to my appointment. I'm a mess. I feel so much anxiety. Even if I decide I would just go to see him, but I won't tell him anything about my feelings, it would not give me less anxiety. It's seeing him and talking to him that makes me anxious. It doesn't matter about what we would talk. I'm just so anxious to be in his presence.
I can't breath right. I try to concertrate on breathing right, but then when I'm breathing right and I stop concentrating on that, my breathing gets fast again. I feel nauseous.

I know nothing bad can happen. He won't lach at me, he won't make fun at me. Everytime he has been patient with me. But knowing this doesn't calm me down.

I'm afraid of getting a anxiety attack when I'm there. It has happened before and I walked out so he wouldn't know.
I didn't get one last time, but the whole time in his office I didn't looked at him and I only said a few words. I think he's also giving up on trying to get me to talk more.



I don't feel like I can handle this. I burst out crying the whole time. I come close to hypervetilation every time. I feel sick. I feel weak.

Not going won't solve everyting. I would still feel bad and anxious. If I cancel today, I'll still have to deal with this some onther time. I can just never go to him anymore. But I would feel bad about that. I would need some closure.

I really can't win. Whatever I will do. Sorry for whining so much. I'm such a weak person.

I wish I had know all this before I went to see pdoc, then I would never agree to see him. The medication I've tried so far isn't doing anything. I might be worse then when I started therapy again 6 months ago.

I wish I could talk to my T now. But she doesn't work today. I'll see her tomorrow.
I feel so alone.

Sometimes the thing we fear the most is the thing we have to overcome. It's only a 15 min appointment? Just talk about how much therapy is helping and how much the meds help. And ask your gp for a referral to another pdoc?

Hey, I'm sorry you feel so alone and its so difficult.

I really feel that you would feel so much less anxiety if you just told him. Just do it. Then it will be done.
Hugs,
Pam

I think the appointment can last max 30 minutes, but because I say so little it's usually over in 15 minutes. Even talking about the meds is hard because then I have to mention my suicidal thoughts and I find it so hard to talk about that to him. Everything is hard to talk about to him.

I know I need to overcome this fear. It won't help me if I keep running away from everything that makes me anxious.

If the meds aren't helping, at least tell him that. You can get through it. And if you have a panic attack in his office, it won't be something he hasn't seen before--he's a p-doc. I've had panic attacks in my T's office and gotten through it. I know none of what I'm saying helps, just

I don't know if anyone can really help me. I've read all the things people on here said to me. I know they are all true. I just can't feel less anxious.

My T also said that he probably has seen much worse since he's a pdoc.
I've never gotten a panic attakc in front of anyone (except my parents). I've always tried to keep myself together and try to get away from everyone and then when I'm alone I freak out.

I know there's nothing to be afraid for. He has been patient with me everytime I met with him. Even after I walked out on him him without saying anything he was still kind to me and patient with me. I'm like 99% sure he wouldn't lach at me. But still, I feel so anxious. I don't know why I can't calm down when I know that.

Maybe then just let the anxiety be in you. Don't fight it. Just observe it if you can. Tell yourself you'll see what happens. If you have a panic attack, its bad, but you'll survive.

I can't fight the anxiety. It won't go alone. I know I'll survive a panic attack. I've had them many times before. But never in front of someone.

I have to leave soon. Usually, when I felt the anxiety so bad, I would give in to avoidance. Sometimes I would come as close to the door, but I would still go back. I shouldn't do that today.

You are being very brave not to avoid it, it needs a lot of courage

I'm waiting. I saw him when I came in, we said hi. It's not time yet. I can't leave now. He has seen me.
I'm going to tell him I want to quit. If he asked why, I hope I can tell the truth. I cant go through this anxiety another time.

I'm shaking. I feel weak. I could barely lift my legs on the stairs. My heart is beating so fast.
And still, that "hi" came out normal. I sounded normal.
I feel like I have to cry. I hate that I always have to cry when I feel that anxious. It feels like a child reaction. It also isn't mentioned as one of the signs of an anxiety attack.

I really really want to leave.

I went. I didn't walked away. And I told him!

OMG OMG OMG!! You are amazing, well done!!!!!!!!

What did he say?

Wow, that's great!!! And yes, what did he say?

I cant remember everything exactly. But I said I wanted to quit. He said something like you can do that. He thougth I didn't want to try meds anymore. I did, just not here. Something like I think it's better for me. He started guessing. Is it him, because he did gave me some criticism once (though I didn't saw it like that). Do I rather want a woman. Does he remind me of someone.
I had so much trouble saying the words. He offered to get me a glass of water (which I thougth was so kind of him). Eventually I said: I have romantic feelings for you. It really came out like; I..I...I have...uh...I uh have uh romantic feelings for you.
I don't know exactly what he said. He said something like: that happens, people sometimes get those kind of feelings for their T, we can't do anything with it, but those feelings aren't wrong. He asked me if I blame myself for having those feelings, which I can't of do. He said that I didn't have to, that I didn't choose to have feelings for him, that it just happens.
I told him that those feeling make it very hard to come here. He asked why I said I get very anxious and nervous when I come here. He asked me if he could do anything to make it less anxious for me. I have honestly no idea what could make it easier for me.

I don't quit there yet. He prescribed me a higher dose and I'll see him in 6 weeks. Such a long time.
I'm not sure if now I'll be less anxious to see him. I'll find out when the date of the appointment comes closer.

He was so kind. His voice is so kind. This really doesn't help my feelings. If anything I only like him more now.
I wish I could have seen his face, his voice doesn't give anything away. But his face probably wouldn't have done that either. He's always so composed, so in control, calm.
I only looked at him when I greeted him and when I said goodbye. Between that, I only looked at the ground.