Strong feelings for Pdoc - what to do

LonesomeTonight · Jul 21, 2015, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chummy

I cant remember everything exactly. But I said I wanted to quit. He said something like you can do that. He thougth I didn't want to try meds anymore. I did, just not here. Something like I think it's better for me. He started guessing. Is it him, because he did gave me some criticism once (though I didn't saw it like that). Do I rather want a woman. Does he remind me of someone.
I had so much trouble saying the words. He offered to get me a glass of water (which I thougth was so kind of him). Eventually I said: I have romantic feelings for you. It really came out like; I..I...I have...uh...I uh have uh romantic feelings for you.
I don't know exactly what he said. He said something like: that happens, people sometimes get those kind of feelings for their T, we can't do anything with it, but those feelings aren't wrong. He asked me if I blame myself for having those feelings, which I can't of do. He said that I didn't have to, that I didn't choose to have feelings for him, that it just happens.
I told him that those feeling make it very hard to come here. He asked why I said I get very anxious and nervous when I come here. He asked me if he could do anything to make it less anxious for me. I have honestly no idea what could make it easier for me.

I don't quit there yet. He prescribed me a higher dose and I'll see him in 6 weeks. Such a long time.
I'm not sure if now I'll be less anxious to see him. I'll find out when the date of the appointment comes closer.

He was so kind. His voice is so kind. This really doesn't help my feelings. If anything I only like him more now.
I wish I could have seen his face, his voice doesn't give anything away. But his face probably wouldn't have done that either. He's always so composed, so in control, calm.
I only looked at him when I greeted him and when I said goodbye. Between that, I only looked at the ground.

Sounds like he handled it very well--and I totally understand that adding to your attraction to him! How are you feeling now? Are you relieved at all?

frackfrackfrack · Jul 21, 2015, 12:50 PM

So glad to hear that he was calm and reassuring about it. Its true though that it doesn't help the feelings.

I feel really happy for you that you could take this step, it sounds like overall it was a good thing, and you were also able to discuss your medication, which is important.

Chummy · Jul 21, 2015, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sounds like he handled it very well--and I totally understand that adding to your attraction to him! How are you feeling now? Are you relieved at all?

He asked me too if I was relieved that I told him. I told him no. But now that I'm home and I've calmed down, I do feel relieved. He now knows why I'm so quiet and nervous with him. And keeping those feelings to myself felt like I had some kind of secret for him. I couldn't be totally honest about everything. And that he reacted the way he did, what I feared didn't happen. I was almost certain he wouldn't react bad, but I still had this fear that he would think I'm weird. But he didn't think that.
Maybe this will make it easier for me. Maybe I won't be that anxious next time.

iheartjacques · Jul 22, 2015, 06:07 AM

Good luck

you're braver than me

Chummy · Aug 26, 2015, 02:24 PM

It is almost time for my appoinment with pdoc. Next week. I'm already getting anxious again. It's not that I'm anxious because he now knows about my feelings for him. I'm anxious for the same reasons I got anxious the other times I had to see him. I get so nervous when I'm with him. I'm so scared I'll make a fool out of myself. I already think I looked like an idiot at every appt I had with him. I find it so hard to talk to him. I'm afraid I'll say something stupid. Which I'll do anyway. I can't think clearly in front of him. I forget things. I can express myself clearly. I end up saying not much to him. He must think I'm really dumb and boring and weird.

And I don't know how it will go. Will he ask some more about my feelings for him or will it be like I never told him. We'll discuss my meds. I'm not really sure what to tell him. I don't feel much better than last time. And even though my SI thoughts are way less than before I started this med, I still have the desire to be dead. I find it so hard to tell him about such thoughts. I find it hard to tell him anything about myself, about my feelings. I'm so scared to say something stupid. I'm scared to feel stupid.
I'm not sure if I should stay on this med. If it's doing enough for me. If this is the right med, then I'll stop seeing him and my doctor/GP will take it over. I'll just get a repeat recipe and I'll only have to see my doctor if anything needs change.
If this isn't the right med, then what? Will I continue with him or go to another pdoc. Last time I told him I would rather quit seeing him. But honestly I don't know what I want. He's a very good pdoc, but I hate the anxiety I get every time.

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Strong feelings for Pdoc - what to do

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