[Chummy]

I started seeing a Pdoc about 4 months ago. I don't see him regulary. It's just for medication. I have now seen him 5 times.
I am so attracted to him. I don't know if it's just attraction or if it's erotic transferance, it doesn't matter what you call it.
The first time I met him, I thought; damn he looks good. But the session was kind of hard for me, so I didn't really think much about him. I thought he's probably not that attractive, or something. I didn't really thought about him after that first session.
But after the second time... I couldn't stop thinking about him. But it was mostly erotic. I fantasized about having sex with him.
After the third time I saw him, I really liked him. I didn't only think about having sex with him, but also about being with him. Dating him.

I think about him every day. I look at his picture every day. I know I know nothing about him. I only know he's a psychiatrist. That's all. I imagine that he would be a kind man, smart, nice, sweet, patient, understandable. But I could be all wrong and maybe he's a total asshole outside of work. I can't know.
But having these strong feelings for him, I think it's starting to be a problem for me. First it was nice, I think that was when it was mostly erotic and I only desired to have sex with him, not anything more. Now, thinking about him makes me sad. I know it can never be something. I will never mean anything to him. I'm just one of his many patients. I'm nothing special to him. I think about him so much, but he won't have a thought about me after I left his office. He probably even has a girlfriend, ugh.

I'm not sure what to do. I think about quiting and going to another pdoc. I don't really want to, but I'm not sure if seeing him would be good for me. I like him. He's patient with me and seems to understand me. Seeing him isn't easy. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings to him. And I also get irritated by him, but I don't really understand why. I feel like I want to scream at him, call him names, push him away... I haven't done that. I just keep quiet, and one time I walked away without saying anything.
But he's a good pdoc. I just don't know if that good enough to keep seeing him.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

I started seeing a Pdoc about 4 months ago. I don't see him regulary. It's just for medication. I have now seen him 5 times.
I am so attracted to him. I don't know if it's just attraction or if it's erotic transferance, it doesn't matter what you call it.
The first time I met him, I thought; damn he looks good. But the session was kind of hard for me, so I didn't really think much about him. I thought he's probably not that attractive, or something. I didn't really thought about him after that first session.
But after the second time... I couldn't stop thinking about him. But it was mostly erotic. I fantasized about having sex with him.
After the third time I saw him, I really liked him. I didn't only think about having sex with him, but also about being with him. Dating him.

I think about him every day. I look at his picture every day. I know I know nothing about him. I only know he's a psychiatrist. That's all. I imagine that he would be a kind man, smart, nice, sweet, patient, understandable. But I could be all wrong and maybe he's a total asshole outside of work. I can't know.
But having these strong feelings for him, I think it's starting to be a problem for me. First it was nice, I think that was when it was mostly erotic and I only desired to have sex with him, not anything more. Now, thinking about him makes me sad. I know it can never be something. I will never mean anything to him. I'm just one of his many patients. I'm nothing special to him. I think about him so much, but he won't have a thought about me after I left his office. He probably even has a girlfriend, ugh.

I'm not sure what to do. I think about quiting and going to another pdoc. I don't really want to, but I'm not sure if seeing him would be good for me. I like him. He's patient with me and seems to understand me. Seeing him isn't easy. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings to him. And I also get irritated by him, but I don't really understand why. I feel like I want to scream at him, call him names, push him away... I haven't done that. I just keep quiet, and one time I walked away without saying anything.
But he's a good pdoc. I just don't know if that good enough to keep seeing him.

I think you could consider telling him. It won't make the feelings go away necessarily, but in my case I felt less alone and tortured knowing that he knows. I feel sad also that I can't be with him. But sometimes I am able to tell myself that in real life he probably has just as many annoying habits as my bf and would possibly be as hard to live with. (btw, if its hard to know how to tell, here is roughly what I said: "I want to tell you about something a bit difficult. I have been having these feelings of affection and sometimes attraction for you". Then he took it from there.)

I am also conflicted. My attraction to him has affected my relationship with my boyfriend since we are going through a rough time. I don't talk to my bf much about T, but ever since I told bf about being attracted to T, once in a while bf says he hates/dislikes T. He says he doesn't believe he is a good T. This (and the fact that I am starting to feel in love and it is so distracting) makes me wonder if I should stop seeing him, but i am not sure - this is the first T with whom I have explored so many things in such detail, and though he frustrates me sometimes, I think I am genuinely more aware after all this therapy with him. I think that's supposed to be good.

I just have to say this, sorry, its off topic, but I like your username chummy (!)

[seasonsofemotion]

For me, not speaking up was worse. It was nerve wracking and terrifying, but I told my psychiatrist that I like him. Just putting it out there was a relief in itself. Even if the feelings were unrequited. Of course it was different for me, because my psychiatrist behaves as if he has feelings for me, too. So that was a big reason why I put myself out there.

It's all about what you're comfortable with, though. Therapy is supposed to be therapeutic. You shouldn't leave feeling more stressed out than you were when you went.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

I think you could consider telling him. It won't make the feelings go away necessarily, but in my case I felt less alone and tortured knowing that he knows. I feel sad also that I can't be with him. But sometimes I am able to tell myself that in real life he probably has just as many annoying habits as my bf and would possibly be as hard to live with. (btw, if its hard to know how to tell, here is roughly what I said: "I want to tell you about something a bit difficult. I have been having these feelings of affection and sometimes attraction for you". Then he took it from there.)

I am also conflicted. My attraction to him has affected my relationship with my boyfriend since we are going through a rough time. I don't talk to my bf much about T, but ever since I told bf about being attracted to T, once in a while bf says he hates/dislikes T. He says he doesn't believe he is a good T. This (and the fact that I am starting to feel in love and it is so distracting) makes me wonder if I should stop seeing him, but i am not sure - this is the first T with whom I have explored so many things in such detail, and though he frustrates me sometimes, I think I am genuinely more aware after all this therapy with him. I think that's supposed to be good.

I just have to say this, sorry, its off topic, but I like your username chummy (!)

I think you're brave for telling your T. I already find it hard to talk about my feelings to him, but to tell him I have feelings for him... It's so scary. Also, I have only seen him 5 times now, and to me it feels much too soon to be that open. But it might be better to tell him, because these feelings for him are making it only harder to talk to him. I don't know how to tell him, but I have about 2.5 weeks till I see him again.

You're right, they probably have annoying habbit in real life. But Pdoc is so kind and sweet to me and so patient and he also looks good. How can anyone not fall in love with him.

Yeah, Chummy

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by seasonsofemotion

For me, not speaking up was worse. It was nerve wracking and terrifying, but I told my psychiatrist that I like him. Just putting it out there was a relief in itself. Even if the feelings were unrequited. Of course it was different for me, because my psychiatrist behaves as if he has feelings for me, too. So that was a big reason why I put myself out there.

It's all about what you're comfortable with, though. Therapy is supposed to be therapeutic. You shouldn't leave feeling more stressed out than you were when you went.

Brave of you. How did you tell him? How did he react?

Right now, seeing pdoc gives me only more stress. He's is good, it isn't him. Just me and my feelings for him. Maybe talking to him will make seeing him easier. Now it like I have a secret and I can't be totally honest in therapy.

[Love Your Suit]

Challenge him, to a dance off!

[Chummy]

So, next week I will see him again and I might tell him.

These feelings and thought about him are bothering me. I think about him, maybe 75% of the day.

Today I talked a little to T about him. She said it ok to have these feelings. That it's healthy to have such feelings.
She said that maybe I should tell him, that I should think about that. But if I tell him, then he can understand my behaviour towards him better. I'm really shy with him, I don't say much to him, I don't really answer his questions, I have walked out on him.
She also said that it would be a good excersize for me. That I can experience that telling my feelings to someone won't always get rejected. He's my pdoc so he won't reject my feelings.

I think I want to tell him. I know it's probably better. It's or telling him or quiting him. Not telling and continueing isn't a good idea. That wouldn't be good for me. I feel like I have a secret an I can't be completely honest with him if he doesn't know about my feelings.
So it's probably better to say something about me having feelings for him. But I have no idea how to do that. I haven't been really open to him in session. It scares me too much. I don't know how he will react. If I tell him, there's a big chance that I will walk out of session again without telling why.

[Chummy]

Today I have looked on his Facebook again. Most is private. But I found a woman, his age, they went to the same university, they live in the same city. There's a group photo on her Facebook, his is on it. I think she's his girlfriend.
This makes me oly more jealous. I knew he could have a girlfriend, but now I have a face. I know very well he can't ever fall for me. I know that. It makes me so sad.
So I'm quiting therapy with him. He's only for medication, I can get that from another psychiatrist.
If I won't see him anymore and I know I won't see him again, then it's probably easier for me to get over him. It might take some months. But it's probably better for me. I can't continue like this.

Possible trigger:

Thinking about him leads to other thought and feelings, bad ones, and I get thoughts about suicide. They getting more frequent and stronger.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Today I have looked on his Facebook again. Most is private. But I found a woman, his age, they went to the same university, they live in the same city. There's a group photo on her Facebook, his is on it. I think she's his girlfriend.
This makes me oly more jealous. I knew he could have a girlfriend, but now I have a face. I know very well he can't ever fall for me. I know that. It makes me so sad.
So I'm quiting therapy with him. He's only for medication, I can get that from another psychiatrist.
If I won't see him anymore and I know I won't see him again, then it's probably easier for me to get over him. It might take some months. But it's probably better for me. I can't continue like this.

Possible trigger:

Thinking about him leads to other thought and feelings, bad ones, and I get thoughts about suicide. They getting more frequent and stronger.

So sorry to hear this. You must do what you think is best. You are right he is only for medication.

Sometimes I think of people who fell for me, but I didn't like them back (for no particularly logical reason), and it helps me deal with it a bit. In the worst case, I tell myself, its like that, its not that there's anything wrong with me.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

So sorry to hear this. You must do what you think is best. You are right he is only for medication.

Sometimes I think of people who fell for me, but I didn't like them back (for no particularly logical reason), and it helps me deal with it a bit. In the worst case, I tell myself, its like that, its not that there's anything wrong with me.

I can't really do that. I don't have many people who have fell for me. I had pretty bad anxiety from the age of 15, so I stayed away from people and especially from guys. And that also makes me thinks that nobody will ever like me and that I will always be alone.

Yeah, he only does my medication. But he's different from other psychiatrist I have seen. He also ask how I'm doing, how I've been in the past weeks, he ask me about si and about my thoughts. He seems much more interested in my well-being that those other P's, who just igve me a medication and that is it. He even ask better questions that the T's I've had. Except for my current T, she's the best.
It will be so hard to leave such a good psychiatrist, but it's probably better for me.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

I can't really do that. I don't have many people who have fell for me. I had pretty bad anxiety from the age of 15, so I stayed away from people and especially from guys. And that also makes me thinks that nobody will ever like me and that I will always be alone.

Yeah, he only does my medication. But he's different from other psychiatrist I have seen. He also ask how I'm doing, how I've been in the past weeks, he ask me about si and about my thoughts. He seems much more interested in my well-being that those other P's, who just igve me a medication and that is it. He even ask better questions that the T's I've had. Except for my current T, she's the best.
It will be so hard to leave such a good psychiatrist, but it's probably better for me.

Oh . Still maybe you had some, it sounds like. And perhaps its not because you are not lovable but perhaps because its difficult for you to let yourself be with people.

If you're feeling that he is good for you because he cares and asks questions, then perhaps sleep on it for a few nights and see if you still feel you want to leave. You can still think about telling him how you feel.

Many of us are in the same boat - tortured by the thought that we are not part of T/pdoc's life. I hope that maybe this experience will somehow make us stronger and more capable of dealing with other things we want and cannot have or that we will learn not to let ourselves get into the pattern of thinking of hurting ourselves when we feel rejected or excluded

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

Oh . Still maybe you had some, it sounds like. And perhaps its not because you are not lovable but perhaps because its difficult for you to let yourself be with people.

If you're feeling that he is good for you because he cares and asks questions, then perhaps sleep on it for a few nights and see if you still feel you want to leave. You can still think about telling him how you feel.

Many of us are in the same boat - tortured by the thought that we are not part of T/pdoc's life. I hope that maybe this experience will somehow make us stronger and more capable of dealing with other things we want and cannot have or that we will learn not to let ourselves get into the pattern of thinking of hurting ourselves when we feel rejected or excluded

I haven't been in any relationship with a guy. I think mostly because I've Always been so shy and anxious and insecure around others. I'm not that shy/anxious anymore, but I am with guys I really like. I don't think I would be a bad girlfriend, but most don't look past the shyness or maybe I look like I'm not interested. I've only been on 2 dates, but that was before I got really depressed again.

I might need to think a bit more about what I want to do. When I wrote that last post, I was really upset. Now I'm a bit more calm and I can think more rational. But I can't say how it will go when I see him again. I might not think clearly and do something stupid like say I want to quit and then just walk out. Everytime I had the intention to go in and act like an adult. But then I'm there and I act more like a shy and sulky teenager.

Reading in this thread about others who go through seomething similar, helps me a bit, feels less lonely. And maybe this experience and overcoming it, makes us stronger for similar things in life.
But right now, being in the middle of it, it really sucks.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

But right now, being in the middle of it, it really sucks.

Yes, it does suck, its very very hard

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Everytime I had the intention to go in and act like an adult. But then I'm there and I act more like a shy and sulky teenager.

One thing that is nice about therapy is that we can act how we really feel (or at least, almost), and talk about the reasons for it.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

One thing that is nice about therapy is that we can act how we really feel (or at least, almost), and talk about the reasons for it.

Yes, but I don't like that behaviour from me. I act totally different when I'm with T. Maybe because she's a woman and he's a man? I haven't had much contact with male therapist, so I can't really compare how I act.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Yes, but I don't like that behaviour from me. I act totally different when I'm with T. Maybe because she's a woman and he's a man? I haven't had much contact with male therapist, so I can't really compare how I act.

I think its good to notice what behaviors you don't like and then you can try to figure out why it happens (maybe by discussing with T or a friend). Its understandable to behave differently in front of someone we have strong emotions about that put us in a lot of turmoil - its hard to behave normally at such a moment.

Perhaps the fact that there is this strong hidden feeling that you have about pdoc makes you extra anxious in his presence.

[Chummy]

I'm so stressed for tomorrow's appointment. I've been feeling anxious all week. I hardly slept last night.
I just want to run away, but not going to him, that's not going to solve anything. I'll still have these feelings. I would still feel anxious and stressed.
I had a panic attack today. I don't have them that often anymore. It has been a while that it was this bad. It's so not good for me.

Possible trigger:

My thoughts about suicide are getting stronger.

I can't seem to relaxed. During some excersize today, I burst out crying a few times.
I don't know how tomorrow will go. It doesn't matter what I think that is best, sometimes my feelings take over. I could walk away from him again. Or I might not even made it to the appointment. It has happen before, that I was somewhere and then decided to go home again. Anxiety took over. Even though I know it wouldn't solve anything.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

I'm so stressed for tomorrow's appointment. I've been feeling anxious all week. I hardly slept last night.
I just want to run away, but not going to him, that's not going to solve anything. I'll still have these feelings. I would still feel anxious and stressed.
I had a panic attack today. I don't have them that often anymore. It has been a while that it was this bad. It's so not good for me.

Possible trigger:

My thoughts about suicide are getting stronger.

I can't seem to relaxed. During some excersize today, I burst out crying a few times.
I don't know how tomorrow will go. It doesn't matter what I think that is best, sometimes my feelings take over. I could walk away from him again. Or I might not even made it to the appointment. It has happen before, that I was somewhere and then decided to go home again. Anxiety took over. Even though I know it wouldn't solve anything.

Good luck Chummy . Maybe try to breathe through the anxiety if you can. Its natural to feel anxious about such an emotional thing. I hope that afterwards you will feel a bit better.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by frackfrackfrack

Good luck Chummy . Maybe try to breathe through the anxiety if you can. Its natural to feel anxious about such an emotional thing. I hope that afterwards you will feel a bit better.

Thank you.
My breathing is calm, but my heart still beats faster than normal.

[Tearinyourhand]

I hope it goes well for you. i am very anxious before and after session. I journal my feelings a few minutes before and after my appts so I can get all my feelings out until I'm in a place where I can explore them in more depth. it hasn't lessened my anxious feelings but has made them more manageable.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by Tearinyourhand

I hope it goes well for you. i am very anxious before and after session. I journal my feelings a few minutes before and after my appts so I can get all my feelings out until I'm in a place where I can explore them in more depth. it hasn't lessened my anxious feelings but has made them more manageable.

Thank you. For sessions with my T I'm usually not anxious anymore. But with pdoc... I have to leave soon and I'm feeling so anxious. I already had a panic attack. Those doesn't happen that often anymore. Today I have felt the most anxious in a long time.
I'm so afraid I will have a break down in front of him.

I too journal my feelings before an appt. But it doesn't help to lessen my anxious feelings.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Thank you. For sessions with my T I'm usually not anxious anymore. But with pdoc... I have to leave soon and I'm feeling so anxious. I already had a panic attack. Those doesn't happen that often anymore. Today I have felt the most anxious in a long time.
I'm so afraid I will have a break down in front of him.

I too journal my feelings before an appt. But it doesn't help to lessen my anxious feelings.

[Chummy]

Thank you!

I could use some real life support. I usually go through everything alone. And only share things with my T once a week.

I'm so so anxious. I couldn't eat more that a banana today. I just want to run away. But that won't solve anything. I would like a new brain. Start with a clean sheet. No bad memories or feelings. I just feel like I can't deal with everything that's happening. I probably make everything bigger than it is. But I'm so scared to open up to people. To be vunurable. I've been hurt to much. And I know I get easily hurt, but I don't want people to see that.

What a rant. Happy that I'll see t tomorrow. Now I need to go. *so scared*

[LonesomeTonight]

Let us know how it goes!

[Chummy]

Not good. I didn't tell him. I couldn't. I shut down. I couldn't think clearly. I must look like such a dumb idiot to him. I said maybe a few words to him.
I so hate myself. Why cant I behave like an adult.