FWI. I went through the fun part for 15 years.

Hopelesspoppy · Mar 01, 2016, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Please be careful. I never went in looking sexy. We had talk therapy for an hour.
Then he had his way with a virgin 19 yr old for the next hour. He stalked me. He wrote scripts only for opioids.

So. Come on to anyone but your T or Pdoc. I had decades of degradation
Sexual abuse and pain. Predators do exist.

Damn. I am so very sad for you. How are you doing? FWI, most people on this thread are still feeling the "thrill" of attraction. This may not be the right place for you....look around some more, we do exist.

frackfrackfrack · Mar 04, 2016, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

That's the "pragmatic" side, I guess -- not wanting to introduce anything extra to an already complicated situation. He may also avoid it in order to see how you fill in the blanks with your transferential feelings. How do you experience his not telling you? Does it feel withholding? Or like punishment? Or like nothing much other than an annoyance? And everyone's favorite question: what does it remind you of from your past experiences?

Thanks for your detailed response. I had a lot of stuff to think about before I could get my thoughts organized on this.

It doesn't feel like a punishment. I feel that maybe there is therapy, and at the same time there is some kind of non-verbal communication that goes on. In the beginning, I could tell that he had started to like me. Now I am just confused about what it is. It is a bit annoying because it distracts from therapy. Also, I think it is a little unfair in that I feel he left me hanging. He mentioned his feelings once and then left me to deal with all of it in my head - whether he feels them anymore or not, whether it affects therapy...

My T asked me what it reminds me of. Honestly, I think it's a bit bizarre and does not remind me of other interactions - I usually have fairly direct conversations with people I am close to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

There could be other reasons, though, that specifically have to do with what he thinks is good for you. Have you asked him why he doesn't say much about it? I imagine that, especially if you frame it the way you did to me, he'd be willing to talk about his reasoning.

That's a good idea. I don't think I ever asked him the question that way. I just complained that he doesn't say much about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

You know the same thing occurs to me sometimes. This is one of those things, actually, that I don't directly ask my T about. Not that I think he'd answer, but even if he did, this falls under the category of "things I am not sure I want to know". Although it bugs me in the back of my mind, and I probably do talk less than I might otherwise about when and how things are going well with my H, I somehow manage to do it, I think because the nagging doubt that it doesn't bother my T too much is something I can allow to win over long enough for me to say something. But yeah. I think about this too.

Anyway, I guess what I'd say to you then is, what would knowing do for you?How do you envision yourself responding to any given answer? What if it doesn't bother him -- will you feel annoyed and slighted? What if it does bother him -- will it make it even harder for you if you know for sure? Or will having it out in the open make it easier for you to acknowledge it, and move on from it? Only you can really answer these.

I feel like knowing would clarify our relationship for me. If it doesn't bother him, I guess I would feel a little disappointed, but I am anyway every time I think about him dating (even though I am seeing someone who I like a lot, and I hope that he finds someone he likes!). Yes, I feel like having it out in the open will make it easier to move on. If it does bother him then I want us to be able to talk about it and understand if he can be my therapist. I feel like him being bothered and keeping it suppressed and me wondering and censoring myself is not the answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

So, my advice to you would be to ask lots of questions, be patient about the answers, and try not to worry too much if things aren't going where you expected them to go. Also, if you haven't already, it helped me a LOT to form relationships with PC people who were struggling with similar things. No one really gets it like someone who's in it! It's different for everyone -- for instance, while it was better for me not to talk too directly about T's feelings, it can be much more beneficial to someone else to be direct right away -- but even the differences can help you figure out more clearly what you need.

Hope this helps!

Thanks, yes, it does help. I remain confused about how to ask him these questions because sometimes I feel so emotional about it, and he is not at all easy to draw out on this subject.

ramonajones · Apr 23, 2016, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy

It saddens and worries me to see what you are all going through.
I applied the extra lip gloss, wore the tighter sweater, put on the higher heel, everything that I am reading here. Why do I read this? Because I know that 99.9% of you will have the same crash and burn that I did, after more than 15 years. Like me, you will feel used, stupid and burned. Chances are you will never get a proper explanation why you are being cast aside, they become total cowards when it comes to accountability. Maybe you have been replaced or maybe they are afraid of the consequences of their indiscretions. I never got that answer, and odds are that you won't either.
He/She is totally noticing and getting off on your adoration. Do not believe for a moment that you are too subtle to be read like a book.
Sorry to be harsh. But I read in you so much of myself. The eventual pain and trauma will not be worth the little "highs" you are feeling now. The longer you remain, the more intense the trauma.
I have no investment here. You will do what you will. But somewhere down the line you WILL remember this post.

How do you mean "cast aside"?

iheartjacques · Apr 24, 2016, 08:10 PM

I've been there for 3 years. I think at 5 years I will have to taper off and move on. Why? I've just left an abusive marriage. I've been told I need a year to heal, and a year to work out what I want to do. That was from DV counselling, not T. So it makes sense that I want to keep everything else the same while I'm going through this upheaval.
It's okay to keep throwing the pieces in the air and see where they fall.

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FWI. I went through the fun part for 15 years.

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