[I'mNotDonneYet]

Tried posting this on the 12 steps forum and have had no response so thought I'd try here.
Of course you all know about the huge case of transference I have for T. In our last session, when I told him that that day was the 2nd anniversary of my sobriety date, he confided his date to me - it is only a few days after mine.
I'm not seeing him again until well after that date.
I would like to acknowledge his anniversary but don't want to be too obvious.
I was thinking of a quick email that simply says "thinking of you on this day." Am I crossing a boundary here? TIA everyone. (And as I posted in "you know you have erotic transference when..." the fact that his sobriety date and mine are so close together is more evidence that we should be together !!)

Hi, fellow addict in recovery here Must be great to have a T who understands it from the inside! The one I was seeing recently for almost a year claims that one of his specialties is addiction, but he was painfully under-informed about recovery methods and even gave me suggestions that were downright dangerous...

Do you discuss recovery stuff with your T? If you do, I think it would be a nice gesture to politely acknowledge his sobriety date that he shared with you with a simple note. I would totally do that at least. He decided to confide in you and tell you, so it does not sound boundary breaching to me, it's pretty much therapy material after all, isn't it? Of course only if you think it does not exacerbates your transference or interferes negatively otherwise.

[I'mNotDonneYet]

Xyn, thank you for your quick response. Yes, he is my main source of support in sobriety (I don't go to AA where I live - I'm in a small town and I'm afraid to out myself; I do go to my profession's meetings when in the big city). I don't think it will exacerbate my transference - I sent him a note after the session where I told him about my transference (I describe how it went in the thread "questions for those who revealed feelings") to thank him for his professionalism, tact and graciousness - I had felt like I was going to die of shame and embarrassment and he helped me through that so well. Then on another occasion, between sessions, I felt the bottom was dropping out of my world and I called him for an emergency session. (He always reminds me that I can call him any time - which I don't, I think that was only the 2nd time I called him seeking an emergency session). A couple days after that session I dropped off at his place a small table-top flower arrangement with a very brief thank-you card - I was just going to leave it on his doorstep (he practices out of his home) but bumped into him as he was heading out at that time so had a quick word with him. So given my history in that department, thank you for your advice, yes I will drop off a note for him in his mailbox. I don't think it will negatively affect our relationship or exacerbate the transference - I am thinking it's time to wean myself off sessions anyway......I hope that "out of sight" does truly mean "out of mind." Although I have had therapy with him on and off over the last 15 years and - guess what! - my transference has lasted that long......but faded during the times I wasn't seeing him........

[unaluna]

I dont know about canada, but in the usa, it is a federal offense to use a mailbox for anything but postal service. So you probably should not be putting things in his mailbox that arent stamped and delivered by the postperson. Fyi!

[I'mNotDonneYet]

Thank you for your concern unaluna - by "mailbox" I did not mean an official Canada Post mailbox, just the kind you buy at the hardware store and hang off the side of your house (for example, if you don't have a mailslot in your door). People drop things off "in the mailbox" or "through the mailslot" all the time. Thanks again! M

[unaluna]

That IS what i meant. Its only for comunicating to the postal service. Thats why its a federal offense to put a firecracker in it, or to steal somebody's mail. Or why the mailman cant accept a tip at xmastime in an unstamped envelope (they send us notices about this every year).

Im like that postman on Cheers - i know these weird useless bits of trivia!

[eclogite]

I think it would be inappropriate. You can mention it in session the next time if you feel it's important to you.

[I'mNotDonneYet]

eclogite, could you elaborate as to why you think it would be inappropriate? thx.

[Keegan2015]

Personally I don't think that this would be inappropriate unless if you're doing it to win favor or justify future overtly boundary-crossing behavior. (which it doesn't sound like you are).

[I'mNotDonneYet]

Keegan, I am definitely NOT doing it to win favour. T and I have discussed how to "celebrate" or "mark" sobriety anniversaries; for example, he asked me if I had had a cake on my 1st anniversary- perhaps baking one with my kids. My response was "definitely not" - this is one thing I am keeping entirely away from my kids (who are quite young). My younger one would not have any idea of my stopping drinking - too young to be aware; my older one has probably noticed - she notices everything - but has never said anything about it. I personally don't care, for me, to celebrate with a cake or similar - this is too personal, too deep. From what T says, he too does not like the idea of a cake and that type of celebration. That's why I thought a brief card, vague enough so that if anyone else reads it they would not have any idea of what it means, would be appropriate. Sort of celebrating without celebrating. I don't think in future I will be overtly crossing boundaries, keeping in mind that in this small town boundaries sort of "shift" - T and I have, from time to time, come together professionally in our work, not merely as T/client, but as 2 professionals, and we have run into each other socially on a couple occasions over the years, and have friends/colleagues in common. (It's quite interesting to see the literal donning and doffing of "hats" around here.) He knows DH as well, from being his T for a while, years ago, and also from being together in a men's group. but I know there won't be any boundary-crossing re my transference....

[Deer Heart]

Hi! So this is my opinion, coming from someone who has quite a crush on their therapist and tries very hard to be mature about it. If you want to say something to your T about his sobriety date, I think that I would suggest waiting until you see him and then at some point saying something like, "I really appreciate how you shared with me your own sobriety date and that it was so close to mine. It made me feel like you identified with me and understood me, and it helped me to feel less alone. I was thinking of you on your sobriety date recently and wishing you all the best. [And you could mention how your sobriety date went for you.]"

I feel like mentioning it when you see him might be a little more casual then emailing him about it that day, but I suppose that it really depends on your relationship. My T knows that I have a crush on her, she's handled the situation well, and I don't think she's uncomfortable about my feelings for her... but I definitely would not be comfortable giving her a flower arrangement, and I wouldn't feel that it would be appropriate for me to do so. So I think that you have a different comfort level with your T, and since we don't know you/your T/all the details, we can only give general advice. And I think that most all of us on the forums just generally worry about both therapists and clients being respectful of each other's boundaries and that the therapeutic relationship is actually helpful to the client. Like I said, we can't know all the details, so everyone is just trying to help as best they can.

[eclogite]

I'mNotDonne - I feel similarly to Deer Heart.

I think in general we (and I definitely mean "we" - not "you") get too caught up thinking about our Ts and their lives than we should. It should be a professional relationship and, while I think mentioning it at your next session is appropriate, I just think talking to/emailing him that day is outside the scope of therapy. Therapy is about the time you have together each session, and other contact should be limited to emergencies, scheduling, etc.

[I'mNotDonneYet]

Thank you everyone for the input - much appreciated. Eclogite your words have struck a chord, on one level I know you are absolutely right. On another I would justify my actions (and using that language tells me something, doesn't it?) by responding that he and I are not merely T/client, we are also colleagues and (his words) "friends on the street" - if we bumped into each other on the street, we'd go for coffee together. So am reexamining my motives here - and I need to think again in terms of your words, Eclogite - I am thinking too much about T and his life.....

[eclogite]

I'mNotDonneYet, I have struggled so much in this department - you're not alone! It can be (and is!) incredibly hard.

[eclogite]

Stopped by to comment that I was once so into my previous T's life that those were one of her pieces of advice to me when I left - "don't obsess (about a future T)"!

[dtrain0802]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I dont know about canada, but in the usa, it is a federal offense to use a mailbox for anything but postal service. So you probably should not be putting things in his mailbox that arent stamped and delivered by the postperson. Fyi!

Stop... That's not a real thing for which anybody is ever prosecuted.

That is unless you've really pissed off somebody just looking for an excuse to make life hard for you.