Really want to bring up my transference, please help

Just wanted to say good luck today! I've been through this, and it's scary at first to share it, but it sounds like your T really cares about you and would be willing to help you work through it. I agree, not to feel you need to share everything at once (especially not the orgasm part). I have a few threads in here if you want to see my experience--I think these links should work. My situation was a bit complicated since it involves my marriage counselor.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...unselor-3.html
http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...t-discuss.html
(There are a few others in there, too.)

I think that even if T2 really and truly felt that way, he could have expressed his point a bit more thoughtfully and professionally. If you feel like T1's behavior really kick-started your transference, you should definitely tell him -- I think him knowing that could help him to modify his approach with other/future clients and hopefully your experience will be beneficial to them.

Your panic attacks sound very frightening and overwhelming. I certainly hope that you are able to let go of a lot of feelings that you've been holding back/that have been eating you up inside. I hope that all goes very well with your T today! I'm sending you all the luck in the world!

Thank you for sharing your threads; I think that was very thoughtful of you. I've read posts about you and your MC before, and I liked looking over the threads that you posted on here.

Also, I laughed out loud when I read the part that said, "So I was like, 'Well, I guess I still feel like the connection isn't quite where it should be between us,' referring to my H and I... H seemed a little surprised at first, then agreed. MC asked us to rate our connection from 1-10, and we both came up with around a 5, which relieved me somewhat, that it wasn't just me. (Thankfully, MC did not ask me to rate my connection to him, which would have been like an 11.)"

Thanks to all for the encouragement. So nervous about today but reminding myself that whatever happens nothing could be worse than dragging myself through this depression and panic for years. It has to end and I have to do everything in my power to end it. I have a really great life that I haven't been able to enjoy for YEARS now because of this depression and panic and I don't want to miss any more of my life. It's too sad and although I've made mistakes, I don't deserve to feel this awful all the time.

This is my plan of attack for today:

Right after I sit down, I'm telling him: "I have something hard to talk about today and I will probably need your help getting it out."
Then I'm moving into:
"I've been having feelings about our relationship that make me really uncomfortable."
That seems to be the "code" for transference that a lot of people use to get the conversation started, so I'm hoping that will help him help me get started.

Then I need to get out:
-I have really strong loving feelings towards you (this is the TOUGHEST one. If I can get this out, the rest should be easier. Ugh, it's hard to even write it. C'MON! YOU CAN DO THIS!)
-I think about you a lot and talk to you in my head all the time when I'm not here
-This started two years ago that first time you went on vacation and called me back into your office to make sure I was OK

I really appreciate everyone who has written words of encouragement and support. I'll let you know how it goes!

And one more thing,...I SHOULDN'T wear a dress right?

You can wear whatever you want that makes you feel comfortable and as confidant as possible.

You've got a great plan. I think you got this.

It's never as bad as we think it's going to be. You're going to fine!

BLAAAAAAAHCHGHFHDAKJD;LALKSJFL;AKSJDFAL;SFJ

Total FAIL. Couldn't get it out. Now I feel like I wish I was DEAD. Just AWFUL. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.

I got as far as: "I have some feelings about our relationship that make me feel uncomfortable." And that was ALL I could get out. We spent the rest of the session talking about why it's so hard for me to talk about my feelings, but I couldn't get it out.

I feel F***ING HORRIBLE.

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get it out. I wish I was dead.

Hey, it's okay. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's really going to be okay. You've finally started to deal with the situation after a really long time of avoiding it, so it makes a lot of sense to me that after everything, it doesn't just flow out super easily. It's scary and confusing. I think that you can get there soon, though. I think starting the conversation was the most difficult part.

What I was thinking just now is that you have a lot of good material written out here... do you think that you could organize it a way that you'd feel comfortable sharing it with him, print it out, take it to the session, and read it out loud to him? If you can't actually read it (or read all of it), you could then hand it over and let him read it. I'm sure he would do that for you and that he realizes how difficult this is.

I actually did that with Cat once... not when I first told her about my feelings for her, but another far more stressful session that also involved discussing my feelings for her (as well as whether or not it would be in my best interest to refer me and why I didn't feel that to be the case). I had made some posts on the forums here, and I used them as a draft to write out this speech, which I then took and read to her. I was a bit of a mess and made a proper fool of myself, I'm sure, but it was okay. It all worked out. But I was so anxious at the time, that I don't think I could have just said it all out loud without having the text there. It helped me to stay organized, and I didn't have to think so much about what to say next... I just had to keep going, word by word.

I'm sending you so many good thoughts right now and hoping that you feel better soon. I think that you're on the right track and you don't need to be so hard on yourself. You can get through this. It's just a process.

Now I'm just not sure that I'm going to be able to do it. I don't know If I can actually do it. I don't know if I can bear the embarrassment. I'm not sure if I can take it. I have another session on Thursday and now I don't even want to go!

It's OK--you got something out at least. Could you type out what you want to say and hand it to him? You don't have to say everything there, even if it's just one line saying "I have romantic feelings for you."

ramonajones - when I was trying to tell my T about it, I couldn't say the words romantic or anything sexual or do to with attraction. I found it easier to start the conversation by saying I have feelings of "affection". From there the conversation opened up and in the same session, I was able to mention attraction.

Honestly, the main reason I was able to get it out was because I was asking MC (in person--he had a couple minutes between sessions). if we could schedule an individual session "to discuss something I thought could be affecting our therapy." He agreed but then started asking me questions to figure out what it was, like if he was doing something wrong, if he was doing something to make me uncomfortable, etc. I hadn't expected to share until our actual appointment, but then he was finally like, "Is it that you're attracted to me?" To which I replied, very quietly, "Yes, emotionally and physically." His directly asking me the question made it much easier to say. (It took him a while to get to that--it wasn't like his first thought was that I was attracted to him, more like his 12th.) And I had a lot of trouble even telling my T (who works with him). So it's definitely hard.

After I was finally able to tell my therapist I had ET, I asked her point blank if she knew what I was having difficulty saying. She did, but she felt it was important for me to say it.

I have a session with him tomorrow. Do you guys think it would be OK if I email it to him today? I think I might be able to get it out in an email but I honestly don't think I can get it out sitting in the room with him. I have felt so F***ING horrible since yesterday and my other mental illness symptoms have been out of control--depression, panic, obsessive thoughts. This HAS to stop. I need help so badly but I don't think I can get it out sitting in front of him.

This is the email I just wrote and was thinking of sending him. What do you guys think?:

I’m hoping it’s OK if I write this in an email because I don’t think that I can get it out in person and I really need to get it out. I feel physically and emotionally attracted to you. That’s it. That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

I know what transference is and I know that it is something that happens a lot in therapy but I still feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable and it’s incredibly painful. I am really suffering over it badly and I think it’s made it impossible for me to make any progress in therapy because I’m stuffing down the strongest feelings that I have when I’m with you.

I’ve been dealing with these feelings for a really long time and was determined to never let them out, but I feel like stifling my feelings is ruining my life and making me sick. It started shortly after I began seeing you, the first time you went on vacation. I don’t know if you remember this, but after the last session before I wasn’t going to see you for a couple weeks I walked out of the office and then you called me back in to ask me if I was really going to be OK while you were gone. It made me feel really important and special and like you truly cared if I jumped off a bridge. So, that was when the feelings of attraction started.

As I said, I know what transference is, but I still haven’t felt like I could bring it up. I have so many issues with rejection and although I know you would never be cruel like all those boys in junior high school the thought of expressing an attraction brings up all of my worst fears about being ostracized and humiliated.

I really want to feel better and stop missing out on my life, so I’m hoping you can help me through this. Thank you for listening.

I think you've done a great job with the email and that you're being very brave. Let us know once you've sent it!

Oh my God. I sent it. YIKES!!!!

YES! You did it!!! Congratulations. I'm super proud of you.

OK. It's OUT there now. I'm still pretty mortified but glad I'm at least moving forward. I have been stuck for SO long. Hope this helps me start to get free. Now I can't even check my email cause I don't even want to know if there's a response from him. I'm meeting a friend for a drink tonight so maybe I'll check it after I have a glass of wine!

There's no 'right way' to do YOUR process. It's just your way, however that needs to be.

So don't judge yourself harshly. It seems like you've done what you needed to do and your goals are clear and well expressed.

Congratulations on taking big steps to get past this hurdle.

I feel pretty mortified because I'm sure he's seen it by now, but I can't check my email. I can see I have a bunch of new ones, but I just can't look at it. I feel REALLY embarrassed and ashamed--even though I don't think anyone else who has expressed transference for their therapist on these boards should feel ashamed, I just have a different set of standards for myself. I mean, I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY embarrassed, but honestly that's probably a better feeling than the terror and dread I wake up with every single morning. I am NOT looking forward to therapy tomorrow, but again, maybe that's a good thing--instead of desperately counting down the hours until I get to see him again, now I'm not anxious for tomorrow to come at all.

He's for SURE read it and responded by now. I feel SO sick.

That's very brave of you to send it. The only thing I'd say is that if it turns out he hasn't responded, it could be that he doesn't typically respond to e-mails or figures he'd wait until session. So if you don't hear back from him by session time, I know you'd likely assume it's a negative thing, but not necessarily. Also, he may not check e-mail that often. Unless you know how he usually deals with e-mail (not sure if you've discussed it, e-mailed him before, etc.), just don't jump to any conclusions about a response or lack thereof. If he doesn't say anything at the start of session, you could always be like, "Did you get my e-mail?" Or if he responds to your e-mail and is just like "thanks for sharing," he probably just doesn't want to discuss it over e-mail, but in session.

Hope it goes well tomorrow!

I don't have much time to write just now, but I wanted to say that I agree with LonesomeTonight. If your T doesn't reply to you, it's also possible that your email could have gotten all mixed up with other messages and he somehow missed it and hasn't actually seen it yet. (I know from experience that this happens sometimes.) If for whatever reason you don't hear back from him before your session, I would suggest taking a copy of the email to the session... because if you ask him if he got your email and he hasn't, I'm sure he might ask you what it was about... and I'm just wondering if you would tell him that you don't want to talk about it, or if you'd try to address it then... so I think having a copy of the email would be good.

Wishing you all the best of luck! <3 <3 <3

Thank you guys so much for responding. It really means a lot. I know he checks his email once a night because there was a point at which I was emailing him every day and he always responded so I'm sure he's read it by now, but I just can't bring myself to check my email. I just CAN'T. I can't remember the last time in my life I've gone all day without checking my email! I don't think I'm going to check it until right before my session.

I'm glad I sent it, because I had to send it. I can't suffer over this any longer. But also, every time I thought about it today I also thought "I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead." Clearly, this is something that will be valuable for me to talk about in therapy--how expressing a natural attraction to someone pushes me to wishing I didn't even exist because I have so much shame about it. There could be great value in exploring this. I know that I did the right thing but I'm also TRULY MORTIFIED.

Thanks again so much for checking in and writing back. I don't think I would have been able to actually do this without the support of people on this board.

I felt the exact same way when I told my therapist about my transference. I was SO embarrassed about it that the only thing I could do was write it in a letter and gave it to him to read in his office alone, and told him to come back out and get me in the waiting room when he was done reading it. I couldn't even be in the same ROOM with him, because I didn't want to see his reactions while he was reading it. My face was so red the entire time and I was trying not to cry. I was ridiculously mortified, but he took the whole thing just fine.

After that, it got ten times easier to tell him things. I figured if I could get through that unscathed, I could do a lot. It's a big risk, doing what you did, but it's also an extremely brave and honest one. Most people aren't direct about their feelings so I think therapists welcome when you bring the most of yourself to the table. I see nothing but positives here! Good job, again.