Really want to bring up my transference, please help

I LOVE that you went in the waiting room while he read it. TOTALLY get it. He did respond to my email, but I haven't been able to open it. Thought a LOT about not going to my session today and then never showing up again but that's probably not realistic. Just can't open the email!

Well, if he responded, I think that's an automatic indicator that he cares. Think about it, he could have just left it alone and not said anything! You don't have to open the email if you're not ready (I don't blame you!), but it might help if you read it so you have time to process and figure out what your next plan of action might be. I know it's humiliating to read his response, but nothing can feel worse than that feeling you had when you initially sent it, right? You already took a big leap, so I have no doubt you can eventually read his response too. You're doing fabulous.

OK, I just got back from therapy. It didn't go very well.

I opened the email right before I went in and it was just him saying that he was glad that I had told him my feelings and that it was OK.

Then I got into the session and I really couldn't look at him and he asked me how I was feeling and I told him I was feeling like I wished I could crawl under a rock. He said it sounded like I hadn't been able to take in what he had said in his email about it being OK.

He told me he wanted to hear more about my feelings and I just said: "I don't know what else to say other than what I said in the email."

Then he repeated that what I had said in my email was OK and that I should try to take that in and I said I didn't know if I could because I just felt so embarrassed. There was a lot of sitting in silence. Then I told him that I thought getting out what I had said in the email would make it feel easier to talk to him, but that in that moment it just felt worse and even harder to talk. I just kept repeating that I didn't know what else to say, and he said: "Well, I'd like to hear more about what you said in your email."

And I said "MORE? I feel like I already said a LOT in the email. I was hoping you would say something."

Then he said: "What were you hoping I would say?"

And I said: "Something to make me feel better."

And he said: "What would you want me to say?"

Then I got really frustrated, feeling like I was doing all of the work and I said: "I would want you to say that it's totally normal and that it happens all the time and that it's not a big deal."

He said that those things were true.

Then we were silent again. Then I told him that I wished I hadn't said anything at all because now I actually felt worse. And he asked me how I thought I would feel. And I said that I thought that I would feel relieved and unburdened, but I didn't. Then I got REALLY sad and told him I thought that sending him the email would make it easier for me to talk to him but that now I felt like I couldn't even look at him let alone talk to him so I felt like it had been a mistake to bring it up, and that maybe this was a sign that I shouldn't come see him any more.

He said that that was me just trying to sabotage myself since we had discussed in the past that my seeing him was helpful, and he said that this was just another example of me trying to tear myself down because part of me wants to just stay sad and miserable.

I wish he had been more willing to guide me through this session. It felt like I was just on my own totally exposed and had to figure it all out myself. He would say that that's because I wasn't letting him in, but he didn't say anything to make me feel warm or taken care of. All he said was what he said in his email: "It's OK."

Now I feel REALLY bad. So sad. And now I feel like I've lost something else--the ability to fantasize about him. At least before I told him then I could think back to the moments where he made me feel warm and I could cling to those. Now I just feel cold.

I don't know what to do next. Did I screw this up?

I'm so sorry it didn't go as you'd hoped it would. You didn't screw up--he did. He should have helped guide you through it more. Maybe he was just trying to let you take the lead, but that wasn't what you needed. Would you be willing to send him another e-mail about how you're feeling now?

He was definitely trying to let me take the lead, but it just felt like he was leaving me all on my own. I thought I took enough of a lead by just bringing it up in the first place. I feel like I gave a lot by sending that email and that he offered nothing in return other than "it's OK" and just expected me to do all of the talking. I'm willing to send him another email, but now I'm afraid it's just going to keep getting worse and that he really doesn't know how to handle this and help me. I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and now it really feels like the beginning of the end.

it sounds like he wanted you to explore how your feeling with words.

Now I'm really not sure that I should have done this.

Give it time, you may see things differently.

I may be totally wrong, but from how you described everything, my feeling is this: I think you want (maybe only unconsciously) to talk more about the details - what it feels like, what you fantasize, why you have these feelings, what need he is fulfilling that is bringing up these feelings etc etc, and he responded clumsily and did not really help you get out more of what you need to get out.

Still, I think its f******** great for you that you started this conversation. It's not an easy topic and it will feel hard.

When I started talking to my T about it, at some point it was a relief for me to be able to say some explicit things (he asked: what do I want to do, I answered in detail with exactly how I felt. He responded - how would I want him to respond to my seduction, and when we talked about that it gave me some insight into my thinking etc).

Soon after telling him, I felt I wished I hadn't because it wasn't my "delicious special secret" anymore. And for a day or two, I lost the feeling, but then it came back. I'm just trying to say your feeling will vary time to time - give yourself the chance to explore all of it.

Hi ramona,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with this. From all I've read on this thread, my feeling is that you have done the right thing even if it feels very uncomfortable right now and you are second guessing yourself. If for nothing else, you might find the transference fading at least some if it does not get reinforced. Reading your latest report, I was thinking that perhaps that was the goal of your T's reaction: to remain minimalistic and not trigger you into a very positive feeling about his reaction. Give it some time maybe, take it slowly. Of course, then it triggered a desperate passion that you now seem to turn against yourself (feeling "mortified" and doubting your decision). If not these, then perhaps he felt a level of discomfort himself and minimized his reaction in order not to show that. Based on your earlier posts and the fact that he did respond to your email, it does not seem to be that he does not care.

I have a long history or erotic transference, just did not have most of it in therapy, but with teachers and other mentors. And I experienced it in all sorts of ways: never admitting it, admitting it and then living an a weird state of tension where the other party clearly had similar feelings for years but would not be direct with them and instead playing with me, then there was acting out in a quick affair or in relationships that lasted for years... I was actually hoping when I first started therapy that finally I would get a chance to work on it in the appropriate setting -- but I found by that time I was quite over the whole thing. Still had a small version with the T but it went away quickly, probably also because he actually did not have some of my most stubborn characteristic triggers in himself. In any case, I had a good experience bringing it up to him and he handled well and with a lot of non-intrusive curiosity... until my transference actually went away and never came back! I shared that as well, and that was when our relationship started to take all sorts of weird turns... long story short, my getting over that mild and very temporary burst of erotic transference really tapped into his vanity and desire to hold onto me and my feelings and infuse whatever I said and did with himself. I eventually terminated with him and he expressed a wish that I found someone else to treat me. And when I actually did and shared with him, he started trying to turn my seeking out a new T into an analytic discussion, which might have had some validity, but I think it reflected his own feelings more than my whatever behavior. Not yet sure about the new T though, contemplating phase.

I'm just sharing these things as examples that these situations can take all sorts of weird turns. I experienced it also from the other end with students that I supervise (their having an interest in me and occasionally myself as well). I'm yet to find a person (either a pro or just in ordinary life) who handles these situations perfectly at all times. But I think the first reaction is important, and a T taking it slowly is perhaps better in the long run than a quick reassurance and/or any signal that he relates to it. I know it's *** hard though, as I said I had been there in really serious ways myself, what I am sharing here is more long range lessons and conclusions over >20 years.

Again, you probably won't regret telling him, if not now or in a few weeks, then in the long run.

Take a deep breath. I know this must be difficult as hell but you really are on the right path and it's YOUR path, remember that. You did nothing wrong. You're doing great!!!

You mentioned that it feels like you're "doing all the work." I don't want to be insensitive but yeah, you are doing the work and that's a good thing. If there's one area the client should be doing all the talking - it's about their own sexual feelings towards the therapist. Not the other way around. This protects the client from being accidentally misled or shamed in the very vulnerable moment of the initial conversation. It also allows the agency to come from you.

I have a couple of friends who are therapists, one of them supervises other Ts. From what I've heard (as I understand - I'm NOT a T) , a GOOD T has to be very careful with a client's erotic transference. Any initial interpretation from the therapist is NOT advised and in fact it's discouraged. There's a fine line to walk between 'guidance' that your craving and 'leading' the client on and an good therapist will be very careful not to allow the T's own Ego to get in the way of your process or alternately be careful not to do or say anything that might shame them. It has to come from the client and the client alone.

It sounds to me like your T was erring on safe side - for you- and not allowing any of his own interpretation to cloud your process. I KNOW this can be frustrating and maybe it feels isolating but it's not necessarily the same as being left alone with it or worse, being shamed. It also sounds like your T trusts that you can handle this process. You have demonstrated here in your writing, a great amount of intelligence and self-awareness, despite your own fears and insecurities.

Remember that your T responded to your email and your T repeated that "It's okay." Keep repeating that much. (Perhaps you wanted him to elaborate on that?) It does feel to me that you already KNOW deep down, you have nothing to be ashamed of and your T probably picked up on this.

But really the hard fact of it is this, they need to let YOU do the talking because anything lent to the conversation at that raw and vulnerable moment could be read into or misleading. It sucks but yeah, it's important to let the Client take the lead on this stuff at first, at least in the initial conversations.

Allowing you to take the lead also allows and teaches you agency in your own feelings.

Maybe you could do some more writing for yourself just to get it all out. Later you might consider what you need your therapist to know beyond this and then trust your therapist to handle it, but yeah, it's gotta come from you. If I could offer any advice at all, it would be to give it time, don't shame yourself and give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. You can handle this. This is your process, you know you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hang in there!

p.s. I also want to thank you for sharing your process with us. I hope you feel better about it soon.

Thank you all so much to everyone who has responded. I feel so alone with this that it really helps to have you to talk to.

It has been a VERY difficult 24 hours and I am feeling very sad and heavy. I also feel very scared that now that I have shared this with my T that he won't be as warm and kind as he's been in the past for fear of triggering me, and I desperately crave warmth from him. I'm afraid now that I've shared this that I will be cut off from all kindness because he won't want me to misinterpret his kindness. I really need his kindness and support and to stay connected to him and I'm really scared that I've cut myself off by sharing my feelings.

My depression and anxiety have put me in a very lonely place and I'm afraid that opening up about my transference is going to leave me in an even lonelier place.

Hi ramonajones,

I also had a very intense, obsessive ET for someone in my life (she is now a colleague...long story). It lasted for several years and was so intense that I needed a T to help me through it. When it finally started to end, it took weeks to readjust to the new reality. I had been having those feelings for SO long and it was process to get back to "normal". I even said things to her like "I miss you" even though I was seeing her every day. Fortunately she is a little clueless so she didn't analyze it :-) . Even now, months later, I occasionally slip back a little.

Please allow yourself time. I promise it will get better and you will feel so much more free and light. Best wishes to you.

Do you really think it will get better? I feel HORRIBLE today. Like, worse than I have in a long time--and I've been feeling really bad for a long time. I am so filled with regret about bringing this up. I was feeling desperate to make more progress in therapy so I thought that this might help push me forward, but now I feel like I truly wish I were dead.

Yes, I really believe it will get better. I've had terrible, HORRIBLE sessions such as yours after disclosing something painful. In fact, I am usually guaranteed to have a horrible session when this happens. But in my experience the next session is usually much better. If I think back in my history of therapy, really bad sessions are usually followed up by very powerful ones. I expect this may happen to you, too.

Hang in there!

I know you're feeling super awkward right now, but I think you should give this some more time and see how things proceed. What if you keep going to sessions for another month, even if you feel very embarrassed/overwhelmed, and see how you feel a month from now? I had a few difficult sessions with Cat after telling her, but now I feel like we're more connected and we work together much better than before. I mean, just because it's rough right now doesn't mean that it's always going to be this way. And you're doing a great job, you really are. It's not that you did anything wrong or messed things up. You're handling it as best you can and I think that you did the right thing by speaking up and telling him. Keeping it inside wasn't going to help.

I don't think your T will necessarily change how he acts with you or suddenly put up boundaries. I mean, I don't know your T, and I think that's going to depend a lot on the T and their individual personalities. But Cat hasn't changed at all, and I know that was a huge relief for me. She's always let me email her (though I do so rarely), and I had been worried that maybe she wouldn't like me emailing her after knowing how I feel about her.

I wrote her a couple weeks ago when I was dealing with a stressful situation in my life and I needed some reassurance that I was on the right path. It was right before the weekend, so I didn't expect to hear back from her soon. She wrote me back on Monday night and told me she was sorry, that she hadn't seen my email until then. During our next session, she told me that my message had actually gotten lost among other emails about scheduling appointments, and she said that if I write her and I don't hear back from her, I should just resend it or write her again. I really appreciated her saying that, because there's no way I would have done so otherwise. I would have felt way too rude and pushy. And during that same session, she also gave me a heads up about when she would be going away on a short vacation and she told me that I could email her while she was gone if I needed anything.

So I definitely don't feel like Cat pulled away from me or became more cold after I told her. Give your T a chance to see how he acts with you -- maybe he will continue on as he always has and you'll feel more secure soon about it not being the end of the world. Especially if you think he's known for awhile about your feelings (surprisingly, I don't think Cat knew before I told her).

Yes DO keep going. You're in a bit of negative rumination cycle. It's understandable. You've been triggered by a very difficult and vulnerable event. BUT It won't always feel this way. The awkward part is just saying it. It will get better.

I think you should write this out and/or print it out. Also do some journaling about what you expected, or needed as a response. You might consider why you expected or needed that response.

When you get back to you T, just show your therapist what your wrote. It states what you're feeling and what you're fearing. That's step two.

Thank you all so much, really. I would be pretty lost without everyone's help here. I've been having really violent thoughts about myself all day. I'm not in any actual danger of hurting myself, but I just keep having intrusive thoughts about hanging myself or shooting myself in the head or ripping out all of my hair when I think about what I shared with T. I shudder when I think about what I shared--just feeling horrified. We've talked a lot in my therapy about how part of me really doesn't want to change, and I am DEFINITELY feeling that now--wishing I had just left things as they were.

I wrote my T again this morning and told him I was having a lot of regret about sharing the feelings and he wrote me back shortly afterwards to say he was sorry I was having such a hard time and that I should try to remember that essentially everything is the same--I'm still here, he's still here, my family is still here--just some new information has been exchanged between T and I which could be helpful in our therapy.

I was glad he wrote back but still having the violent intrusive thoughts and wishing I hadn't shared.

N/a n/a n/a

What does this refer to Yellowbuggy?

I have one more thing that I have to talk about here because I can't talk about it anywhere else. As I said in an earlier post, I believe my transference with my T started when he was going on vacation a couple months after I started seeing him. I was suicidal and in really bad shape and after I walked out of his office he called me back in to make sure I was "really OK."

There was one more thing that happened that I didn't mention.

Sometimes in the session I'll take some of the books of the shelf in his office and hold them because it comforts me--it's a ritual I started in therapy sort of early on. Then at the end of the session, T and I put the books back on the shelf together--another ritual for us. On the day that he called me back into the office, before that happened, and we were putting the books on the shelf, this is what I remember: we were crouched next to each other putting the books back and with his left pointer finger he stroked the back of my right hand--between the pointer finger and the middle finger from between the knuckle down the back of my hand--very gently and quickly, but intentionally. I say intentionally because he did it twice in a row and it wasn't just our hands accidentally grazing each other while we put the books back. I remember when it happened I felt so surprised and amazed--then he did that thing where he called me back into the office to make sure I was OK.

That's when the transference started, but I feel like I can't bring the thing about him touching my hand up because it was two years ago now and I'm afraid I just imagined it. I don't think I imagined it. I think it really happened, but I became so obsessed after it that now I'm afraid that I'm nuts and I made it up. I DO know that he only did it that one time and that after that I ALWAYS took the books off the shelf every session in the hopes that he would touch my hand intentionally again as we put the books back, but he never did. Sometimes our hands would touch accidentally but never in "that way". For YEARS now I've been taking the books off the shelf every session in the hopes that he would touch my hand that way again when we put them back.

I THINK that at a session later on when he was trying to teach me about self-soothing, he referenced the same spot on my hand where I might stroke with my finger to bring myself some calming feelings. But the thing is, now I'm afraid that I'm crazy and that I'm making all of this up. I don't want to bring this part up because I'm afraid that I made it up.

I am so grateful that I have you guys to talk to. I have never revealed these things to ANYONE else and I'm glad that I have this place to talk about it.

Does anyone know if this is an actual self-soothing technique? To touch the back of your hand in this spot? Am I NUTS? I might be...

OK, I'm sorry to ask a stupid question. What is transference?

ramonajones, I can definitely imagine how your T touching you like that would encourage transference feelings. I would have reacted the same way.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-transference

Wowowowow has it been a NUTTY four days. What an emotional rollercoaster! I've gone through every perspective imaginable on this from: "I'm never ever EVER going back to that office EVER again and hopefully he'll assume I'm dead and never contact me" to "this could be healthy for me to talk about and I think we could have a very productive session" and everywhere in between. Back to the office tomorrow. MAN this is rough!