Really want to bring up my transference, please help

I think attachment CAN be helpful in therapy - fill deep-seated needs and form the foundation for new ways of thinking and being in the world. But what is very clear from the posts in this forum is that it does not always work this way and CAN be extremely destructive.

Unfortunately I don't have the insight to say where the process with you and T is heading. Would it be possible to tell him (or write to him) that you need him to assist you by not allowing you to avoid the relevant issues? Not only does he need to encourage you to discuss what you have written in more depth, but perhaps also to initiate these discussions.

Just read some of your posts from above. What is your feeling about T2. It seems he is advising that T1 is not helping. My thinking is that he would have more insight about this than people like me, commenting on an anonymous forum! A lot depends on how good you think he is - how insightful, etc etc... (even if he is less thrilling than T1...)

I don't know what to think anymore. T2 is insightful for sure. He could tell I was attracted to T1 before I even had to say it and chastised T1 to me for letting the transference run away with the therapy. I actually even told T1 that I'd seen T2 and that he had called my attachment to T1 pathological. T1 said: "So THAT'S what inspired you to bring up your attraction." I said yes and T1 praised me for working so hard to take action to move the therapy along and break through what had been keeping me stuck, but that was all that he said.

I can't tell if I have a terrible therapist or a great one--or if I have a great one and I'm just too attached to him.

I'm seeing a THIRD therapist this week for EMDR, but T3 is close friends with T1, so I don't feel like I can bring up the attraction to T1 to him. I feel like I've gotten myself into a serious MESS.

I brought up my transference to my therapist and we never talked about it and I really was not expecting to. I guess I'm not sure what you want him to say or discuss. For me, I needed to say it so that I could get it out of the way and that he would know that I was vulnerable in that way. Again, they say that it's a deep bond sometimes, so I also gave him that knowledge with that disclosure. But to go on and discuss transference (which is pretty much a natural occurrence during therapy) instead of the things that drove you to see him in the first place sounds sort of counter-productive to me. I'm not sure what your motivation for wanting to discuss it is, but the only reason I could think of as to why someone might want to discuss it is because they're hoping it will be reciprocal. I'm not saying that's the case with you and I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but maybe you should sit and figure out WHY you think it needs to be discussed.

As far as your reaction to his not responding, again, he may have thought there were more productive things to discuss and that if you had really wanted to talk about that, that you would have brought it up. I don't know what direction that session took, but he may have tried to work it in to the session without bringing it up specifically, (such as driving the conversation towards abandonment or attachments in the past). Like I said, I wasn't there, I'm just playing Devil's Advocate and trying to give you some food for thought.

Why are you back in the hole when you found a solution to the problem of being open? I don't understand.

As far as the transference being damaging or helpful - I have no real insight there. The little bit I do know about it is that it's harmful if he takes advantage of it OR if it gets in the way of therapy. Example: If you were having issues with promiscuity, but you wouldn't talk about it because you don't want him to think you're a s1ut. It's in the way. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples, but you see what I mean.

If the only issue that it is bringing is this anxiety about having to leave him or abandonment, I think as someone you've come to trust, he is probably the BEST person to help you through that. Just my 2 cents.

I think by not talking about the transference or acknowledging it, the T can do more damage. I've had several therapists tell me my first T handled it poorly. She thought I was talking too much about it but IT was causing me so much distress I couldn't talk about the original reason I sought therapy. My current and other therapists have told me that there can be so much to explore with the transference. And by discussing it, you can move through it and heal.
My past T would tell me I needed to dig deep and figure it out and didn't help me at all. Her avoiding it actually fueled it more.
So I think if it's harming you and distressing you, it's not helpful and hurting. I have the same transference with current T that I did with ex T but she handles it so much better that I'm not upset. I'm completely different.

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Soccer mom, how does your current T deal with it? My concern with discussing transference feelings is exactly the one YMIHere mentions - I was afraid a) I was discussing it with the aim of eliciting something reciprocal and b) that I would be perceived as discussing it for this reason. Of course there is always an element of 1. The very feelings MEAN one wants it to be reciprocal - but that's only on one particular level. On other levels one can be very aware that that would be disastrous and NOT want it at all. It ends up a catch 22...

I totally get it. I really struggled talking to T1 about it and now I realize it's because she never seemed to fully accept it. We figured out I had ET but she wouldn't ask me questions about it. I now know it's my body reacting Like a kid when I get what a mom would give : attunement, feeling known/accepted/cared for. But I couldn't figure this out with T1 since she would say dig deep. She would never guess what it could be saying she could put ideas in my head. I needed someone to say "what about ____" which my current T does.
Current T wants me to tell her in the moment when I have ET. I keep forgetting but then she wants to be able to give a little of what I missed. She has asked me what I want to hear from her. I can't say at this point. I told T1 I needed to know she cared about me. She said it once and then told me the second time not to make her regret telling me that. Gee thanks. Current T has made it clear but I don't have to ask. I just know.
Maybe even tell your T all your fears around discussing it. I've read many articles that having the transference is a gold mine if the therapist knows how to handle it. So much exploring to do.

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Soccer Mom is this a straight maternal-type transference as that you perceive her as, or want her to be, a mother figure?

I was hoping that by bringing it up in the first place, we'd start talking about it and that he'd help me gain some insight into why it's so incredibly intense. I was hoping that it would become a normal thing we could talk about regularly and that he'd help me figure out what other longings it's connected to in my life. Also, I have an incredibly hard time talking about sex. I've mentioned it maybe twice in the three years I've seen him, so this was a big deal for me to bring this up and I was hoping he'd help me talk about it more.

Yes, it's called Maternal Erotic Transference. It is the strangest experience I've ever had but makes since considering my mom. My brother is a lot older and said they believed in letting others do the parenting. So I think when my T (current and ex) looks deep in my eyes, I get the erotic part because that's how it feels for a baby. Except that it doesn't necessarily feel sexual. Or it does which makes it feel weird as an adult because those types of feelings you associate with sex but I don't have anything sexual on my mind. It's an automatic response. Like adrenaline if you're scared of something.

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Interesting. I rarely got any kind of erotic ideas/sensations when in the actual presence of T (or at least not that often and not that strong). However, I definitely would immediately afterwards. It was almost as though I wanted MORE of the person and so my body would crave them. The same if I was feeling insecure, or T would be away for a period, or something like that. Not really sure what this signifies, if anything -

Oh man, I had such a terrible day today and I saw T and at the end of the session it was so intense. He looked so worried for me. He was just like: "You really need to try to get some sleep." It made me love him so much!

oh wow.. I've been trying to figure this whole thing out.

I've been going to therapy about 5 months. lol I intentally picked someone I ddin't think I would be attracted to as to not confuse me . and lately I've been noticing how attractive my therapist is. especially his eyes.. so I feel like I hope I'm not blushing or something when i'm looking at him, or that my body language doesn't say. "I think you are attractive".. Im' not even having any sexual thoughts at all. its just noticing .. you are attractive and I'm embarrassed because you "are a mind reader of sorts" and you probably already know.. even though he may not.. but he is super sharp.. ugh.

How DO you bring this up? and get rid of this anxiety? on top of other anxieties, I definately would NOT want to lose this therapist. any thoughts..?