Really want to bring up my transference, please help

I went through a very similar experience. I finally got the nerve to tell my ex-T (female) about my feelings/ET/etc. It was the most intense and painful thing I have ever done. I also expected her to guide the discussion. Ask me questions, etc. When she would ask a question, I always responded "I don't know". I did know but I was completely overwhelmed and couldn't think. It was like there was a glass wall between us. I remember telling myself to literally tell her the first things that would come to my mind. I had to push through it.

Maybe you could write him letters? I would write her a letter and read it at my next session or give it to her. It was the most emotionally intense and crazy time of my life. I found as therapy went on it would come and go. Some weeks I would feel so good that I would think why am I going. Other weeks I had the longing pain in my chest and was so sensitive to everything she did. It IS rough!

YES!!!! Very much the same experience--although I've only had one session since telling him so far. I wanted him to totally guide the discussion, but the few times he did ask questions I'd just say: "I DON'T KNOW" and twist my hair and stare at the floor like a 12-year-old!

I was 7 years old with ex-T - the same age I was when I sought out my first mom figure.

This is for SURE about every boy (and there were many) who told me I was ugly in junior high school!!!

Pretty sure some of it for me (both the erotic and paternal) is that I've always felt like a partner wouldn't accept and understand me because of my anxiety/OCD/depression (or if they did, they'd get tired of dealing with it). I often feel like my H doesn't understand it (even if he tries) and worry he'll get tired of me. (And my parents definitely didn't/don't understand it and seemed to reject that part of me.) So...a psychologist who has his own anxiety issues? Well, he'd certainly understand me! And hopefully not reject me. (Though dating people with mental illness certainly didn't keep them from rejecting me for mine...but that's a whole other story)

Ha, I've seriously had that exact thought about how much I feel like a 12-year-old when I'm with Cat! She's so elegant and I feel like such a kid in a comparison.

Ramona, how do you feel about the fact that your T touched the back of your hand like that? Do you feel that it was appropriate or inappropriate? (Or maybe, like calling you back into the room, not his best decision?) Had he touched you before that (hugging, shaking hands, etc.) and if so, did he ask before touching you the first time? I'm just trying to get a better sense of the situation because it did make me feel a little unsure, but I don't want to assume that he meant any harm. I've seen various Ts over the years and I don't think that I've had an interaction like that.

Best of luck tomorrow! You are very brave.

So grateful to have you and everyone on this board to talk to Deer Heart, and so grateful for your question about him touching the back of my hand because I feel like it gives me "permission" to talk about it more here. I really need to talk about it, and I don't believe I can bring it up to him because 1.) I don't know if he'd remember 2.) part of me is a little bit afraid I imagined it. I would be sure that I imagined it if he hadn't done it twice. Once could be accidental but twice made it different.

I'm so grateful that he did it. It set off something in me that's been trapped inside me for I don't know how long. It was like he reached down and turned on the lightswitch to my bodily sensations. Like he literally "turned me on." And I had been "off" for a long time.

So as to whether it was appropriate or inappropriate, I think it was appropriate. He thought it would be healing for me. It actually WAS healing for me--but then it's set off this wild transference, so I guess that's not necessarily great, right?

It certainly made the week that he was gone on that vacation a lot easier. I was floating on cloud nine the entire time. And I had amazing sex with my husband that week multiple times while T was gone. It was like he flipped a switch that made it OK for me to feel. I had an actual PHYSICAL reaction to the experience.

I'm certainly not telling him ANY of this tomorrow. I honestly don't know what I can possibly say to him at all. I want to "process" this appropriately and get to the heart of my issues and heal, and I have read that transference can be a powerful tool to heal in therapy, and that's why I'm going tomorrow and not just going to stop showing up altogether. But I honestly don't know what I'm going to say. I have no plan whatsoever.

I'm also seeing that second therapist who thinks I should fire T1 on Thursday, so now I'm nervous about that too. The whole thing is kind of a mess.

Oh man, I don't know WHAT I'm going to say tomorrow!

I'm seriously grateful to have you guys to talk to.

OK just got back. It was a LITTLE better today but still tough. I told him that I had thought about never coming back and I told him how I had spent Friday enduring thoughts of ripping out all of my hair and shooting myself in the head and he talked about how it seemed like I thought I had done something really wrong but that he didn't think that I had. I still spent a lot of time staring at the floor and shuddering.

Eventually, through talking about a different topic for a couple minutes, he was able to suggest that what I really wanted was to be wanted by him, which I was able to confirm--that maybe my intense fear came from the idea that he didn't "want" me. I confirmed that this was correct and then he said there are different ways that you can want to be wanted by someone and could I talk more about that, but I said that I couldn't. Then he brought up what I had said in my email--I was attracted to him both emotionally and physically and perhaps those were ways that I wanted to be wanted by him, and I think I said "right--maybe." Then I felt myself closing back up again and he asked what was wrong and I said I was just thinking how horrifying this must be for him and he said that it wasn't and that he really wanted me to hear that it wasn't horrifying.

The session ended on a lighter note, and now I'm just at home missing him, wishing I could be with him--grateful that I have another session in two days but dreading the five day stretch I'll have without him after that....

I guess this is going to take a very long time.

Going back tomorrow and just have no idea where we go from here. I just have no idea what I want to talk about now, and I feel like he wants me to direct us because he wants me to have a sense of control, but I have NO idea where we're supposed to go from here.

From what he said yesterday, boy he could give all our ts lessons in how to make it less painful for us! Did you ever have the feeling where, somebody is asking you a question, and you have an answer in mind but it seems so simple and obvious that you think it cant possibly be the right answer, that the right answer should be harder somehow? That happened to me a lot, in dealing with transference and life in general. I speak up now.

I haven't read all 9 pages of advice yet, but this was an easy answer for me.

I'm not sure if you have his email address, but I sent him an email mentioning it. I know the feeling that you're going through - just can't get the words out, but they need to be said. I figured I'd put it in an email so he knows. I TOLD him I'm putting it in an email because it is difficult for me to talk about. Then, not only is he in the know, but he knows it's a sensitive subject and maybe he can work it into the convo when it seems appropriate? I saw someone mentioned you could "write it" and give it to him, but handing him that would be horrifying for me. WAITING for him to read it? UGH!

I just know I felt like I had to get it out there and this was my best bet of making that happen. Now I'm going to read all the rest of the responses and see if you found an answer that suits you.

You think so? Oy, I really like him.

I definitely agree with unaluna about that. There are so many horror stories on this site about Ts unable to properly handle ET (everything from sexual exploitation to abandonment) but your T was sensitive and caring, and took great care to make sure you understood he was comfortable with your feelings which is excellent.
My current T is very good (I have feelings for him but not ET) but my last T was visibly freaked out when I told him I was starting to feel attached to him, so goodness knows how he would have reacted had he known about the ET. I ended up consulting a second T because I so badly needed to talk about my feelings for T1, and T1 wasn't skilled enough to help me.
It sounds like you have a wonderful therapist.

Ah CRAP now I love him even MORE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Agreed that he's doing a great job of handling it. I was lucky in that mine (marriage counselor) did, too...which, yeah, made me love him even more, too

Seeing both T1 and T2 who wants me to dump T1 tomorrow, so now I'm going to have to tell T2 that I brought up the transference with T1 and now I feel like I want to work it out with him. I sure have created a lot of drama for myself!

I realized this week that I have filled up my life with appointments with men who I pay to care about me. Over the past three years with my depression, I've had three male therapists, two male psychiatrists, and a male hypnotherapist--I sure do seem desperate for men's attention! And I actually truly do have a very caring and attentive husband! Guess my dad did a real number on me?

Saw T today and we were just back in the same old rut we've been in. We didn't talk about the transference at all. Then I went and saw T2 who says I have a pathologicial attachment to T1 and that T1 isn't helping me and I should stop seeing him. I did feel today like T1 really doesn't understand me and that perhaps I've continued seeing him even though he's not helping me just because I'm attracted to him. I've been in a bad place for three years now and many friends and family members have suggested to me that maybe T1 just isn't helping, but I've fiercely defended him because the idea of not seeing him was absolutely devastating to me. Now, I'm wondering if it really might be time to break it off with him because I'm just going because I want this attractive, intelligent man paying attention to me for an hour.

So, I think that bringing up my transference with T may have gone quite a long way to "curing" it. My attraction to him has DRASTICALLY diminished since I brought it up. Now I'm just feeling weird and uncomfortable about seeing this therapist that I haven't really been connecting with for a while and I think I really HAVE just been going to him for so long because of the transference. A ways back the idea of even cutting back to once a week therapy was totally devastating to me, now I'm like "Why on Earth am I spending such a huge amount of money seeing this guy who isn't helping me?" It's because, in my mind, there was this sort of emotional affair going on in my head, and now that I've dragged it out into the open it's lost a lot of its "romance." I kind of miss daydreaming about him, but it's also like I've "woken up" in general.

That kinda makes it like any other infatuation. Up in smoke, but it seemed so real at the time. So how is the rest of your life? Are you able to make commitments or do they have this same fragility? For me, working thru the feelings around my transference helped me to dfine myself, my wants and needs, and to not need t to be perfect.

I'm able to make long term commitments elsewhere in life, but I totally take and appreciate your point! Maybe the diffusing of the feelings is a great opportunity for me to process them without everything being so dramatic!

OK, the infatuation is back. He is so kind and sweet and handsome that I just FREEZE when I'm in front of him and can't talk in the therapy. I'm really trying to figure out if it's time for me to terminate with him or whether I can gain something valuable from exploring this transference. I feel like I can't tell him the most important things that I need to talk about with him because I'm so worried about him liking me, so that makes me think that I should terminate. On the other hand, rejection from men is such a huge issue for me, and I had such an intense physical/sexual reaction to him that I feel like this could be a chance for me to heal a profound wound for me if I was able to explore it. On yet a THIRD hand what are the hopes of me actually exploring this transference with him if I can't even bring up less embarrassing things that are going on in my life. I'm feeling really confused and like I can't even talk about why I can't talk about things anymore. I'm wondering if it's time to quit with this guy and start over with someone new that I'm not so enmeshed with? Or is the enmeshment a sign that I could really work out some old issues here?

On the fourth hand , i've always found it easier to talk to reeeeealllly cute guys. Its like, they know the dance. That works to a lady's advantage when you dont know the steps.

To me, it was about learning a brave and intimate way of talking. Now i can do it in any situation. Like, no thanks!

[quote=ramonajones;5058969]So, I think that bringing up my transference with T may have gone quite a long way to "curing" it. My attraction to him has DRASTICALLY diminished since I brought it up. Now I'm just feeling weird and uncomfortable about seeing this therapist that I haven't really been connecting with for a while and I think I really HAVE just been going to him for so long because of the transference. A ways back the idea of even cutting back to once a week therapy was totally devastating to me, now I'm like "Why on Earth am I spending such a huge amount of money seeing this guy who isn't helping me?" It's because, in my mind, there was this sort of emotional affair going on in my head, and now that I've dragged it out into the open it's lost a lot of its "romance." I kind of miss daydreaming about him, but it's also like I've "woken up" in general.[/quote

Its great, that your attaction to him has diminished! I wish my atteraction would go away too, romana, my therapist been on my mind all day. and I need to practise singing. Best of luck to you .

Oy,...I may have spoken too soon! Attraction is back, but I HAVE made some progress. I was so wrapped up in my feelings for him that I became unable to talk about pretty much EVERYTHING which made therapy pointless. Last week, I emailed him the night before a session and said that I was super stressed out and couldn't even sleep because I was so worried about going into the session the next day and not being able to talk about all of the things I needed to talk about. He suggested I make a list of all the stuff I wished I could tell him and then just handing it to him in the session. I immediately threw my phone across the room as I read this message and shouted NO!!!!! I'M NOT DOING THAT!!!

After a few minutes I went to the list of stuff that I haven't been talking to him about and reconsidered. True, there was a lot of stuff on the list I DEFINITELY wasn't going to tell him (seeing his wife's Facebook page, my sexual dreams about him) but there WERE a few things on the list that I actually COULD tell him about--they were stuff I was uncomfortable/scared to tell him, but not totally awful--like how I've gone to some other therapists for different kinds of help because I've felt like I haven't been getting better. Then there were a couple of other totally innocent things that I just haven't been able to tell him about myself because I was afraid he'd judge me. I brought a list of four things. I sat with the paper on my lap in the session for about 30 minutes--would start to hand it to him and then take it back--several times. Then I finally gave it to him.

He read all the stuff and was VERY positive about all of it and was super encouraging. I was really glad I did it. Now I feel like we have some actual stuff to talk about! Also, we explored what was so scary about telling him these pretty noncontroversial things and where that comes from for me.

One of the things on the list that I told him was that another therapist that I went to said my attachment to him (T1) is pathological and keeping me from getting better. He said it was great that hearing that spurred me into taking action and telling me about my attraction to him.

I felt much better. I still don't know if I'll be able to tell him any of the "sexier" stuff from the list ever--but I think I will be able tell him some other stuff that I've been hiding from him, so that's some progress.

It's been about six weeks since I brought up the transference now, and I am still really suffering with it. Sometimes it will get a little better for a few days and then it often comes back with a vengeance. What's really frustrating to me is that my therapist never brings it up. I've told him how hard it is for me to talk about things and that it's easier for me to write them, so he's encouraged me to write when I'm having trouble getting the words out. I initially wrote to him about the ET and he acknowledged my email and I felt like we were making some progress, but we've barely talked about it since then. Last weekend, I wrote him an email and it took him over three days to respond--when he did, I wrote him back and told him that I got really freaked out when it took him a few days to write back and that I hoped we could talk about my reaction in therapy later that day. When I got to therapy, we talked about something else entirely and he never brought up what I'd said in the email. I'm so confused. I don't know if he's just not paying attention or if he's a mediocre therapist or if I'm supposed to bring it up again or WHAT. I really need help with this. The five day break I have been Thursday and Tuesday appointments is pretty much just a constant countdown to when I get to see him again. I went back to his wife's Facebook page again today and looked at the public videos of him with his kids. I feel sick. I don't know if this relationship is helping or hurting me. I've been depressed for over three years, and I don't know if my therapist is contributing to the problem or not.

I recently brought up that maybe I should take a break from therapy because I was having trouble talking to him and he suggested I just write down the things I was having trouble talking about and hand him the piece of paper in session. I did that and had a good few days afterwards, but now I'm right back in the hole again.

How can you tell when the transference is damaging you and when it's something that could be useful in your therapy? I am SO attached to him it hurts to be apart from him, so the idea of terminating with him is terrifying, but maybe it really is what I should do?