[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Hello everyone,

I am new here, this is my first post and I am dealing with romantic feelings towards my therapist as well. My situation is rather complex, difficult and different from the standard scenario. I just find myself struggling so bad and so hard with this. I guess I am writing here because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I have spoken about it with my T and they are well aware of my feelings towards them and we have even delved in a bit but we both seem to skate around it? It's a negative pattern we both seem to fall into... we talk about it a little bit and then both look the other way and it slips into the background for a while and I silently suffer. I don't honestly expect that discussing it would be much help anyway but I do feel so unsure of things and wish I had some answers.

My transference is a classic, romantic type. Like a sweet, crush. But agonizing because it feels SO overwhelmingly powerful. Also because I swear up and down that they are flirting with me, sending signals and genuinely like me but apparently I'm delusional and imagining it all. Despite what appears to be continued signs, to this day. I guess I'm just crazy or wishful thinking or in the words of my other therapist "seeing what I want to see" - All of which is entirely possible but I feel inundated with sign after sign and obviously I'm reading them incorrectly and my therapist isn't meaning them that way but it's infuriating to think that this is apparently all in my head. Not that he said any of them. He has been very gentle and sweet about the whole thing. But my secondary therapist, who is a female, thinks I'm insane and reading into it what I want to...

He has not told me that he doesn't "like me" that way, nor that he does... he has pretty much left it at a single statement, where he said - "At the beginning of all my work with female patients, I make a pact with myself, not to see them in "that" way." - And that was all I got on his feelings towards me. I feel like I am being given very mixed signals though. Part me of wants to spill my heart out and tell you all the things he says or does and ask for opinions and advice but another part of me feels a deep need to protect him? Not that he has done anything that could get him in any type of trouble, because he hasn't. He has been a perfect gentleman. However I have still somehow managed to get the wrong idea in thinking he likes me.

I will post a part II - in a few moments or tomorrow, whenever I am soonest able to. Sorry for venting....

CriesAndGoodbyes

[growlycat]

Welcome!! I have struggled with a T crush for so long. An ethical T will refrain from romantic/sexual interactions with patients, but a wise T is self aware enough to know that it only human to have feelings in such an intimate setting. Having feelings is normal, acting on them in therapy is unethical for a therapist. Your T may be struggling to control natural emotions and automatic responses. It is T's responsibility to keep it in check and manage his/her reactions. Denying these feelings can be confusing for the patient who can SEE the awkward glances, blushing etc. A good T will not shy away from the topic.
Is your T young or inexperienced? Being supervised?
Just know that T has to keep therapy safe--it is not your responsibility, it is his.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Welcome!! I have struggled with a T crush for so long. An ethical T will refrain from romantic/sexual interactions with patients, but a wise T is self aware enough to know that it only human to have feelings in such an intimate setting. Having feelings is normal, acting on them in therapy is unethical for a therapist. Your T may be struggling to control natural emotions and automatic responses. It is T's responsibility to keep it in check and manage his/her reactions. Denying these feelings can be confusing for the patient who can SEE the awkward glances, blushing etc. A good T will not shy away from the topic.
Is your T young or inexperienced? Being supervised?
Just know that T has to keep therapy safe--it is not your responsibility, it is his.

Hello growlycat, thank you for your reply and warm welcome! Well, I don't think we have any danger of him acting on anything, if anything is there, because he definitely would never even tell me if he had any feelings. Which is sad because it is so torturous to keep seeing things that make me think he likes me... only to think I must be going absolutely crazy because he has hinted that I only "thought" he liked me, implying that he most definitely does not. But then I always shy away from confronting him on those things, because I did it once and he seemed to pull back a little, not much, but a little and I noticed, so I quit immediately. He is not inexperienced but is still fairly young. He has been involved in counseling since doing volunteer work in the field during high school, he has over a decade of experience in various capacities and all the proper schooling and training but is only in his late twenties. He did enter into supervision when I confessed my feelings to him but I am unaware of whether or not he still attends supervision on the matter or how many supervision sessions he attended. However I cannot stress enough how confident I am that this man would never be receptive to turning this into anything more than a therapist/client relationship. So do not worry about that at all.

CriesAndGoodbyes

[BudFox]

I would suggest that what you are going thru is in fact a form of psychological manipulation. I would guess that you are responding to some very real cues and triggers, even it is just the basic arrangement of therapy, which is seemingly enough to induce powerful needs in some. It's all quite intimate and private and personal. So easy for the T, being so veiled and ambiguous, to become an idealized figure. Who wouldn't feel drawn into that.

What helped me after a long time was deciding that I knew me best, and what I was feeling was what was real, not what a psych professional tried to talk me into.

I feel sad and kinda sick when I read these accounts where the client doubts their own perceptions and sanity. It's easy in presence of an authority figure to fall into this.

[LonesomeTonight]

I doubt it's intentional manipulation. Some people just have chemistry--sometimes romantic/sexual, sometimes just more that you "click" with someone in more of a platonic way. And it can be hard to turn that off. That could be the case with your T, that you guys just "click." So you may not be imagining things. And if it feels like flirtation, I sometimes suddenly realize that I'm subconsciously flirting with someone (like former coworkers, etc.), and it's not like I was overtly like, "OK, I'm going to flirt with my coworker now." Ideally, your T is continually in touch with and checking in on his feelings regarding his clients. But sometimes things like a certain glance or body language just slip out. Your other therapist acting like you're insane for thinking that...that's likely her just trying to protect both you and your other T in a way. Like trying to keep you from thinking there could be something there, because you'd just get hurt. And trying to not suggest that your T could be acting unethically in any way. But I'm sure it's frustrating for her to basically say it's all in your head...

So maybe there is some sort of attraction or chemistry there. It might not all be in your head. But assuming your therapist is ethical, as you say, then nothing will ever come of it. Which is how it should be. Keep talking about your feelings with him--it can help to get those out. But know that if you, say, directly ask if he's attracted to your or has romantic feelings for you, that ethically, no matter what he actually feels, he has to say that he sees you as a client and nothing more. I mean, certainly, he can say he cares about you in a platonic way. But if he were to say, for example, that he's attracted to you, then he's crossing a line that can't be uncrossed. And that would be unethical. Because then his thoughts and feelings would be getting in the way of the therapeutic relationship. Plus he'd be leading you on...

I say all this as someone who has had, at times, erotic transference for my marriage counselor. It has since shifted into more paternal transference, if anything. But there were definitely some moments, back when I was really feeling the erotic thing, that it felt like there was maybe something there. So I get it. But I realize now that it's probably more just that he and I "get" each other, like we're fairly similar in how our minds work. And because he's of the gender that I'm attracted to, my mind automatically jumped to "It's attraction." When it's really more a case of being on the same wavelength than of a physical/romantic thing. In the same way that I have some platonic friends that I just "click" with.

I hope this answer made some sort of sense and was helpful in some way...