[Summer Daze]

I have finally decided that I need to be strong and "break up" with my therapist. I am looking for support for going through with this as well as advice from anyone else who has previously been in this position. I was wondering if I should properly terminate the relationship or just send a quick text and say I will no longer be returning and thank you for everything. I really need to find the strength to do this because I know this is going to hurt me a lot and be extremely difficult for me as we have a really close relationship/bond and have a special connection. However, I know our relationship is no longer professional (nothing physical has happened and I am also married) but I still do not feel it's healthy to have this type of bond with someone outside of my "real" personal life. I should leave that for my husband, close friends, family, etc. I also think he is crossing boundaries he has never crossed before as a professional and I'm not one for putting people in bad positions. I know that a therapist and a client cannot be friends, even though it is an emotionally intimate relationship, but there is good reason why those ethics apply and boundaries should be set. How do I finally get the courage and strength to lose a very important, special person in my life? For those of you who have been through this, does it get easier as time passes? Thank you!

[Skeezyks]

Hello Summer Daze: Well... the Skeezyks hasn't had a lot of experience with this. I've seen a few therapists for brief periods of time over the years. Most of them weren't worth the bother. The last one I saw was, by far & away, the best of the lot... still not great... but the best one I saw. One evening I got myself worked up into a lather over something or other... I don't recall what it was. Anyway, I called her on the phone & told her I wasn't coming back... & that was that.

Personally, I would recommend that, if you feel you can, the best thing to do would be to have one final meeting with your T & tell him you plan to terminate therapy... being as honest as you feel you can be with regard to your reasons. However, therapy is a business arrangement. You (or someone else) are paying this individual to provide you with mental health therapy services. So, if attending one last session simply feels too threatening to you, there's certainly nothing wrong with just sending a text. It's really your choice.

From my perspective, the thing you need to consider here is how you will feel about how you ended the relationship once it's all said & done. In my case, I simply never heard from my former therapist again... which is fine with me.

[AllHeart]

I say "break up" with this t in whatever way is best for you. This isn't about him, though in crossing the boundaries he made it that way. I think since you aren't one for putting people in bad positions you run a higher risk of being coerced into staying if you terminate in person. A cancellation and thank you text seems a safe idea, but, only you know what is the best choice for you to make here.

I couldn't agree more with you when you say there is a good reason as to why therapists and clients shouldn't be friends (like 99% of the time). Therapy becomes ineffective as the therapist is now serving his/her needs first, not the clients. The way I see it, a t that willingly crosses the lines with a client knowing the harmful and mind f##king effects a friendship has on that client has to be "off balance" in some way themselves. Only you can put an end to this. Know that your decision to end this relationship is the best decision for you and for him because whether he can admit it now or not, this relationship is wrong for him, too.

I applaud you for taking your power back. It will not be easy to cut the ties with this guy initially. Hopefully, the relief and inner strength that you will find from closing this chapter in your life will be so significant that any heartache will quickly subside. Best to you and keep us posted!

[Longingforhome]

Hi - sorry you are going through this. For me, once the relationship got complex there was no other way but to pull the band aid off really fast and be done with it. I tried every which way to have a phased, orderly termination, but the relationship was well past orderly and my T was well passed the point of being able to guide us firmly through it. In the end I just had to be the grown up and do what was best for both of us. I tried sending emails, she'd reply even when I asked her not to. Sent a card and specifically said 'don't email', and she did anyway. Despite acknowledging that she was out of line in doing so. Each time, I lost my nerve and went back.
It's like any awful, hard and painful decision: sometimes you just have to go through the short term hell to get to long term safety. And sometimes we have to do the opposite of what therapy would tell us: turn off the feelings and just take very wise action, no matter how gutted we are. Still, it sucks and I am sorry for you x

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Summer Daze]

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement. I hope I can stay strong. I have tried to leave multiple times over the last year and I have been finding it rather difficult. Mostly because when I have tried to leave and addressed leaving with him he has always talked me out of it or sweeps it under the rug then pretends I didn't just say I no longer wish to return. One time I finally thought I got away because of how we left things by the end of session. I finally did it and felt like I didn't need to speak with him anymore after that. The next day he reached out to be via text message. I considered ignoring the text and did for a couple of hours but then I caved because in my head he went out of his way to text me and ask me if I was ok. An issue of mine has always been I can't hold firm with people and I have a bleeding heart. It's a huge flaw of mine. I gave in, tokd him not to cancel my appointment for the following week (like I originally decided on in session), then we hardly discussed it when I saw him. I don't understand why he couldn't just let me go. I thought it was unfair that I was sucked back in after it took so much courage to decide my actions and hold firm to them.

[Summer Daze]

To add: he has a lot of clients and a fully booked schedule and does not need my business. That's another part that frustrates me. There's no logical reason to keep me around when I am clearly struggling and ready to call it quits.

[nicoleflynn]

I would keep it simple....Tell him you wish to terminate and if he asks you why, you can say, you feel it is time, or that you have gotten what you need to. you don't owe him an explanation.

[Lauliza]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know it must be so difficult to do this. As a T, and knowing that you've tried before and and he's persuaded you to stay, I'd advise you not to do this in person. It's a professional relationship, not a personal one, and therefore you don't have any obligation to terminate in person. A text or email is completely appropriate and hopefully will lower your anxiety about this. This is about you, not him, so you need to do what's best for your emotional well being.

Clients are not obligated to do a "termination session"- that is a therapist's obligation when they decide to terminate. You could just cancel your next appointment and never go back without a word and that would be OK too. I understand you are close to him and may feel rude saying nothing, so I would do a text or email. This way you avoid feeling pressured to stay. Also, it is unethical for a T to talk you into staying when you terminate. He should not have any contact with you once you terminate - that is just wrong. If you feel strong enoigh, you may want to tell him that you don't want him to contact you any further. If he still does, he could get in trouble and you could report him. Not that you would, but it's unethical on his part. If you feel strong enough, you could block his number so he can't reach you.

[Summer Daze]

Thank you. I appreciate the push. I still haven't gotten up the nerve. I know I have to do it next week. Every time he hugs me goodbye or tells me personal things I just feel like it humanizes him then I ultimately feel bad. I know I shouldn't and I realize things have gotten progressively worse: I don't want them to spiral out of control. This comes down to the texting in between sessions, gift giving and receiving, private intimate things being shared and not just on my part because I know me sharing as party of therapy. It's just a mess that feels like a friendship that is not. I need to do what is best for me at this point. I need to make the healthy choice.

[Longingforhome]

Hi Summer, I really feel your dilemma. It's so hard to walk away, even if we know it's the best thing for us. It's unlikely he is going to be able to help you to separate or do the right thing at this point so you're on your own from that perspective. Sometimes it's good to know that and own it: it sort of helps stop some of the wishing and hoping and bargaining in your own head. It sounds like you know what you need to do. The really hard part is the doing it x

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk