Attachment to Therapist after Termination

Hi everyone,

I’ve been seeing a therapist at my university health center for the past three months. However, we recently had to terminate due to session limits. Although I didn’t really like/trust her at first, she really earned my trust halfway through the term. Ever since then, I have gotten really attached to her and deeply care about her. During the last session, I told her how I really felt and even admitted that I love her to some extent. She was happy with all the progress I’d made throughout the quarter, and we ended very well.
However, I really miss her a lot. I don’t know how to deal with possibly never seeing her again. I’ve gotten used to talking to her every week, and having her consistently be there for me. Although it’s taken me a long time to trust her, she has become someone that I care about almost more than anyone else other than my family and best friend. I'm worried that she’ll forget me and I feel hurt and almost angry at her, because I know that she’ll never care about me as much as I care about her. I feel like all I have left of her are memories that will eventually fade over time.

How do I deal with these painful feelings about my therapist?

I'm sorry you had to abruptly stop just when you had made a good connection. That must be very painful.

You have more than memories, however. You have the lived experience of developing a trusting relationship. I hope that you can find someone in the "real world" that you can have a similar relationship with, now that you have experienced what is possible for you.

You just said it: time. It's completely normal to experience grief over something or someone we grew to value when it's disrupted. I terminated regular therapy sessions with a T I liked very much last November and it was quite uneasy for a couple weeks, I literally had cravings for the connection. Most likely it'll get gradually less frustrating over time and perhaps it'll transform into positive memories and appreciation. Just allow yourself to experience the feelings as they surface and view them without reacting if possible.

I saw a therapist for a year twice weekly and we terminated last June (due to my relocation). I also grew very attached to him and I knew that termination would be painful. As we both knew about the termination in advance then we were able to talk about it quite a lot.

He told me that he wants me to be able to talk about our relationship to the other T I would be seeing after that. At first I couldn't talk about it a lot and I didn't even feel sad, but after few months the sadness really kicked in. I think I grieved heavily for about three months. After that I had established good enough connection with the new T (who was actually my old, but never mind the details) and I was able to talk to him about the ext-T. Now, more than half a year later I still remember my ex-T very well and I still think very fondly of him. But I'm not sad and it doesn't hurt me. I know that he remembers me and probably thinks about me occasionally. I also know that our relationship was meaningful for him too.

So, yeah, time will do its work but I think it would be also very good if you could talk about it to someone. Someone who would understand how important a therapist can become to a person. It could be a friend, it could be a family member, it could be a new T.

I think this is a serious risk of therapy that is rarely framed as a risk. Forming a bond with someone who will then disappear from your life, sometimes abruptly, could be quite distressing. The standard framing is that it is an inevitable part of some "process". The standard advice is to see a new therapist or counselor to cope with this loss, and thus risk forming yet another attachment that might be severed. Some might say, eh, that's life, what do you want, but I think many would agree this is different. Only thing that helped me was to put it in proper context.

This is exactly how I feel. I felt like no one understood about how I actually felt more sad leaving therapy than beginning it. I'm so glad someone understands!

By the way, I forgot to clarify that these feelings towards my therapist were not romantic or sexual.

what you have been thinking and feeling is completely normal. Do not make more of it than what it is.
ending abruptly = big time hurt
ending over time = big time hurt
me ending it = a different hurt
me ending it appropriately = hurt lingers
Bottom Line is ending relationships hurts. No matter what.

but
I know you will get through this.

you are strong
you are reaching out

I so wish I could take some of the experiences I have had (from highschool counseling and beyond) and infuse them into others. but I cannot.

All I can do is say
You will be okay.

I'm 54 years old. Between the ages of 28 and 34, so for six years, I saw a therapist and had an excellent therapeutic relationship with him. I learned and grew so much as a person during those 6 years. The therapy took place through the VA (Veterans Administration) system.

Well, one day I went in for my usual Tuesday morning session only to be told, by my therapist, that it was our last session. He had been transferred. No warning, nothing. Six years and BANG. End of therapy.

I felt like I was dying. I mean, really dying. I had lost my father at the age of 8 and I felt like I was going through the pain of that all over again. I remember just sitting in my home and scream-sobbing, I was so distraught.

Surprise...I lived. I still have dreams about my therapist. I still miss him, after all these years! I sometimes wonder what he's doing, where he is, and so on. I'd love to talk with him sometime. Or email him. I'm sure he wonders about me, too.

The most important advice I can give is what I try my best to do myself. As I'm living each day, I make an effort to honor that wonderful therapeutic alliance by using what I learned in therapy, and loving others just like my therapist cared about and loved me. Maybe that means a smile, or maybe it means listening to someone in need, or maybe it means volunteering. I still use the tools I learned in therapy to improve my life. I mean, I really work at it, every day.

I fully understand how hard what you're going through is. My heart goes out to you. But please take what you got from your therapist and use it to continue to better your life.

My therapist urged me to think along these lines when we ended. I certainly tried. But the truth was that the ending blew everything else that happened into outer space. Becoming dependent and then stopping abruptly is no small thing. If the ending leaves the client in acute distress or feeling worse than before, I don't think you can consider that a success. It violates first do no harm. We live in a culture where everyone is supposed to put a happy face on everything, rather than being honest and real. Especially in therapy. If something causes suffering, it's ok to just say so.

It sounds like you would benefit from working your termination out with another therapist.

I'm not putting a happy face on everything, btw, and I resent that you would dismiss the hard work I've done by using the time and energy I put into those 6 years of therapy to the best of my ability. It didn't happen overnight; I was extremely traumatized by the very sudden termination of my 6-year relationship with my therapist. It was a VA situation; I had received the therapy free of charge, but knowing, too, that my therapist could be transferred at any time. I considered myself fortunate to have had the full 6 years. As soon as I could, I chose survival by putting what I'd gained in therapy to good use.

My comments weren't directed at your situation. I was talking generally and thinking of the OP.

In my experience clients receive a lot of subtle pressure or coercion to report that therapy has been helpful and to downplay the harmful effects. After dutifully playing along, it was imperative for me to say, at the end, look, this has been damaging and you need to know.

I did try working it out with several other therapists. Made things worse. I don't recommend it. Lot of manipulation.

Well, I'm sorry you've had so much difficulty with therapy.

That's what I'm worried about. That I'm going to me utterly heartbroken