Trying to get out

JunkDNA has a very good point here probably. Maybe some marriage counseling with your husband, as a start, where your relationship needs would be addressed openly and directly?

Definitely what I personally like best in an intimate partner and what worked best for me in past relationships. I had some mild ET to my therapists, especially the last one who pretty much embodied these traits for me (and more) when we started and it was mostly coming from superficial impressions and my imagination (=transference). It did not cause any problem for me because I had already had those needs fulfilled several times in relationships, in fact my most typical pattern and I seek it actively because I know it works. I chose my last T for that same very reason, of course I found him very pleasant and attractive as well the same way initially. But then with direct experience and the progression of my therapy, his personality, approach and our interactions matched more a sort of best friend or older brother kind of image for me and that was also why I never had an intense ET or attachment to him, I believe. I wanted to see him as an authority figure initially but the reality of my experience did not bring that, but something else. Probably for the better in my case as overall, I had a different experience from what was most familiar to me. It was quite interesting.

I agree with JunkDNA that it sounds like a major factor in this is that there is something in your marriage that you aren't happy about. Whether it can be fixed or whether it's better to move on is not a decision any of us can make but it definitely sounds like an important issue for you to explore.

Is quietly thankful I have never found one of my 17+T's attrActive in any shape or form.

Anyway, Ro, when you sit down and think of your fella, what are the most predominant feelings. If you Love him, how do you love him?
Why did you both get married?
Did you always want kids? A lot of people are afraid of this question because of how it can make them look. You don't have to share that answer with anyone,but you have to be honest with yourself.

You know this isn't the life you want...can you describe what you DO want?

Start really grass roots. Don't say you want to be happy, everyone wants that. Look at what it would take to get you there.
And I don't mean fake paid for happy either, that's back to the addict wanting an immediate fix.

This is going to require hard work. Your body and mind drove you crazy trying to distract you from the real deeper issue.
I think it's time to call them out.
I really wish you all the best, take care, be kind to yourself.

How are you? xo

I'm really struggling. Mornings are the worst. Yesterday it was two weeks since I've seen him. The black hole is definitely wide open and attempting to suck me inside every day. I am still very much in denial. I can't even conceptualize that I'll never see him again. It's too much for me to bear.

I'm realizing now that more than just sex with him I was (and am) DESPERATE to be a part of his life. He's someone that I want in my life. That's why I kept going to him for so long. I feel like I NEED him in my life. I don't know if he'd even take me back if I asked him.

I feel like I can't live without him. I am absolutely terrified of a life lived without him.

I can't imagine I would EVER report him. That would truly and permanently solidify that I'll never speak to him again. I don't want him to be angry with me. I don't want him to harbor resentment against me. I don't want to hurt him in any way.

I miss him SO much.

That's the real problem. I have NO IDEA what I want besides to be with T1. If someone said I could have anything in the world I'd shrug and say "whatever." It's scary to not "want" anything, because it means you don't have hopes and dreams anymore.

On the contrary, people can feel unsatisfied with healthier relationships but really drawn to the unavailable, either literally or emotionally or both, and energized and attracted to relationships that mirror childhood dynamics.

Haven't kept up with your thread. Ramona, I don't blame you for not wanting to file a complaint. I would not either.

It seems like T2 could contract T1s supervisor if he wanted to, if you gave him permission to discuss your case. If T1 is in an organization, they could bar him from seeing clients, especially if he has had other complaints. They wouldn't need your 'testimony' and such to address something like this. They might be able to assign him to a non-clinical job. That is not uncommon actually. That way, he wouldn't be a further risk to vulnerable clients.

Sorry you are still struggling so much.

T1 is seeing his clients in private practice and I don't even know if he has a supervisor. The high position he holds at the organization I mentioned is as the training coordinator for other therapists, so he's not seeing any clients there.

I hear what you're saying about seeking out unhealthy relationships. I sure do feel like I'm rejecting my kind loving husband and TOTALLY DESPERATE to see this guy who treated me like **** again. The longing is soul crushing.

Ramona, I hope you can reach a place where your wants and hopes and dreams are once again with your family. It's almost like you've been brainwashed and programmed. Now to figure out how to deprogram you and reprogram you with a focus on your family. Sounds like an incredibly painful process.

Lolagrace I haven't wanted to use the term "brainwashed" because I haven't wanted to sound melodramatic but that is EXACTLY how I feel. Exactly. I feel like I've been in some sort of crazy cult for three and a half years and now I'm out but I can't even tell my husband about it. I've told him T1 was really bad for me and really screwed me up. He says he knows. He thinks T1 is just a lousy therapist whose ego made him think he could "save" me when he really didn't have the skills. He doesn't know about any of the sexual attachment. I have a handful of friends I've told, but I'm with my husband all the time and he doesn't really truly know what's going on with me which is so scary and hard. Just being alone with him and my son, I have these overwhelming WAVES OF TERROR--like TERROR. We've taken a little vacation out of town and it's really been very nice, but on the inside I'm dying a lot of the time over this thing with T1. I look around at all the people in this other city living normal lives and even ENJOYING life and I struggle so hard to remember what that was like. I know that I used to know, but it's been four years since I've been well. And I haven't known what it's like to be OK with being just a regular person like everyone else. I've been chasing fame and fortune and a twisted relationship with a man whose caused me excruciating pain. It is so scary. I feel like I'm suffocating and in prison and completely untethered to anything all at the same time. I miss him SO much. I actually found myself desperately searching in my mind for a way that I could go back to him. I doubt he'd even take me back at this point because I'm a liability. It's unbearable to think of never seeing him again so I'm trying to trick my brain by telling myself-- "You're just taking 6 months off. Take 6 months and see how you feel." It truly does feel like a black hole inside.

Hi again, boy, do I remember the place you're in. It's so painful, Ramona. My heart really goes out to you. I remember a holiday like you describe and my husband got so angry he told me if I went back, our marriage would be over.

I'm presently coming to terms with the fact that I have developed a not-insignificant alcohol problem (not post T breakup, but a ptsd thing). I quit this week and got some meds to stop me from really ugly withdrawal stuff. But whatever I was drinking to escape is still there. I know that. There's time to deal with that soon.

But for now I just need to be able to sit with the extreme emotions and anguish that are emerging. I can't do that alone, the feelings are too big for me alone. So I am going to a meditation class at the local Buddhist centre, because I need to do SOMETHING to keep myself safe and take one more step towards a healthier way of life. Yesterday it was a big walk down by the water, a really nice home cooked meal and sitting by the fire with a rug over me. Tiny but very meaningful, self caring things.

I guess I am telling you this because I see parallels: what you have for your T is an addiction that you've been using to escape from a whole bunch of stuff, and now you're without your 'fix' there's nothing to turn to. You need things to turn to - way points that encourage you to take small steps away from the source of your (pseudo)comfort, and towards healthier ways of dealing with your pain.

Oh, and if I were you, I would def. go see a p doc and see if you can get a short course of something to calm you. The level of pain you are in is inhumane.

I made a terrible mistake by leaving. I am filled with regret. Please, anyone reading this in a similar situation. There is no light on the other side. I listened to a bunch of people who don't know me or me heart and told me to do what is "good." At least when I was still going to him there would be hope.

I'm already on massive doses of drugs. They don't help. I deeply regret my decision to leave. I'd rather be dead than wake up tomorrow morning. This was the wrong decision for me.

My T is a big time bigwig at the biggest mindfulness center in town and preached Buddhism to me constantly so that all seems quite tainted now.

I strongly encourage anyone else in my situation to stay with their therapist and not listen to anyone on this board. The level of pain you will experience after leaving isn't worth it. At least if you stay with the therapist you'll have some sort of connection that makes you feel alive.

Please don't listen to people who tell you to leave. I wish I hadn't. I don't believe I'll survive this. I have a psychiatrist who's prescribed me tons of pills. They're useless. As is everything else I've tried. He was what made me feel alive. Now I'm just a slave to life, praying I'll get run over by a truck or get some horrible fast moving disease. That's the best I can hope for now. PLEASE don't listen to people who tell you to leave. It's not survivable.

How about distracting yourself by finding another T that you think you will "fall in love with" (someone who you are attracted to) but this time make sure that they are competent and skilled and who would be able to help you work through the transference.

Are you still seeing T2? Have you reached out to T2? Please do take care of yourself.

It is awful to be in the dark place with no direction or even inkling as to how to something might be different (healthily) and to know that you've been living like this for so many years is heart wrenching. Try to remember that things were not all roses when you were seeing T1. Sure there were good moments, but there were also bad moments. When you took your break from T1 there were good moments, I remember you writing about feeling like you were yourself again for the middle weeks.

Ramona, I am deeply sorry if my mention of the meditation class triggered you. I can absolutely understand why. I was really just using it as an example of self care and finding something to hold on to to ride out the pain. There are plenty of other things.

You sound like you are in such a bad space, and there's no real plan to get you out of it. It's hard to trust other Ts again, I know, but you need to talk with somebody IRL who a has the skills and expertise to help you through the very dangerous place you are in. Have you thought about going inpatient for a bit to just give yourself some time, space and quiet to regroup and think about next steps? Then, at least, the terrible push-and-pull thing you are feeling for T would be off the table for a time, and you could get the meds, the care and the distance frrom all the pressures in your life that you need to work out what is best for you from here.

I feel your pain so much.

Honestly that really scares me, Ramona. I hope that it's not true, that it's just the addiction talking.

Remember all the things you said about him? How bad he is, how stupid, how crazy, how useless? You said them here, you can go and look. So you know it's not really about him. He's done nothing to earn these feelings. This love isn't really for him. It's something else. It's something in you. You can work through that - and you'll work through it a lot better without him.

Sorry if none of that makes sense. I'm tired, and emotional.

Sometimes I feel very afraid when I read your posts.

I really feel for you. And I still believe you're going to be okay, in the end.

I think it is time you come completely clean with T2 and your pdoc, and explain the sexual attraction/erotic transference for T1. They need to know exactly what is going on with you and the level of your suffering right now. At this point they don't have the whole picture, and keeping that information from them may be your way of giving yourself an out to somehow contact or go back to T1 who, just a few posts ago, you agreed caused damage to you on the level of brainwashing like a cult victim. It's time to get real with T2 and your pdoc (and perhaps your husband down the road).

I just read this whole thread. Wow. I don't know what else to say. My sympathy to all on here who have gone through so much.

No words to take the pain away, but please know I'm thinking of you.

Ramona, some of us did leave and here we are, surviving

Something must have been hurting pretty bad in that relationship for you to come here and tell your story and seek help. Try not to forget that

I'm sorry you feel so horrible and have regrets about leaving him. Saying this to help-if it doesn't, please disregard but it sounds like magical thinking connects him with your sexuality-when he touched you, things instantly changed.

I used to use magical thinking as a defense mechanism. If you have used this for your situation, and I have no idea if you did, thinking about this possibility might help take away his power on you..

One example how i used it-when i was feeling forlorn and destitute as a child (not young, maybe 8) i looked upon the stars every night for comfort. I thought if I saw a shooting star, it could be a positive sign that my life would get better. Then I did see a shooting star, and it did make things better. I assigned meaning to something, gave it power it didn't have. It did wear off

This is usually done more unconsciously. I was thinking-maybe that moment you accidentally brushed against his hand was a kind of magical thinking, and your mind assigned a lot of power to him then.

The thing is, the magical thinking wears off. After that phase i had, although I did see more shooting stars, they no longer had power.

I don't know if you relate to that at all, but the takeaway is-if you didn't leave him, all that stuff you yearn to get back may have dwindled anyway. Then you'd be left with a man who just sucked in doing therapy.

What if your prayers were really answered tomorrow and you got struck by some dreadful deadly disease?

Would that really be okay with you? Knowing you'd be leaving your husband and son behind?

Knowing you wished this on yourself and them?

My dad wished for death nearly everyday for three months after my brother died, said he had nothing left to live for (ouch) one Sunday morning out of nowhere he suddenly got his wish. One minute he was laughing, the next I was calling an ambulance...

I hear your suffering and I'm really sorry you're experiencing such despair, but please don't forget that you are not an island, what you go through, the choices you make, directly affects others.

You really want your son to know you suffered "death by T"?...

Is that a good enough way for you to go out?

Furthermore, is it right and fair for this person to have say over whether you are happy or sad, whether you live or die?
Who died and made him god?

Don't YOU want more say?

I'm sorry if I seen a bit callous, and I'm sorry if it seems I'm bringing my own stuff into your thread, but I just really want you to see a different perspective, and hopefully use it to your benefit.

I would move mountains for my child, as I am sure you would too, so if you can't want to survive for you, can you at least want it for your little boy?

I took a break from this page for a few days because I couldn't take it anymore. I have been so sick. Severe diarrhea for over a week--constant feeling of choking in my throat and squeezing in my chest and I can't breathe. I miss T1 SO much. I swing between hysterical sobbing and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. This is nothing like when I took that month off and felt better--I guess that's because during the month off I knew I was going back. I don't think I can manage feeling this bad much longer.

I'm seeing T2 tomorrow and I've contacted a T3 who my husband's therapist recommended but she hasn't called me back. I really need some practical help to get through this because every day is such hell. I can't believe I'm going to live the rest of my life without this man who made me feel SO alive. There is such an emptiness inside of me. Life seems SO bleak, SO barren. I am just staying alive for my son now, because I know two friends whose parents killed themselves and they've never recovered. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop shitting. I don't think this is sustainable. I haven't called T1 yet, but if T2 can't give me some sort of recommendation to get through this I think I'm going to have to ask T1 to take me back. i just don't have the coping skills to get through this. Life feels unbearable. I'm trying to stay alive so my son isn't motherless and my poor husband doesn't have to add his wife's suicide to the mountain of bad **** that's already happened to him in his life.

The world seems SO ugly and cruel. I miss T1 so much. I never knew you could miss a person this much.