Trying to get out

My case wasn't anywhere near as severe as either of yours, so I don't know that I'd get anything at all. Still not even ready to report let alone sue. Going to talk to T2 about it tomorrow though.

Saw my psychiatrist today and gave him the abbreviated version of what happened. He was horrified. He actually WINCED multiple times when I told him stuff T1 said. He gave me a referral for a female therapist he shares patients with who he believes takes my insurance and said that I could contact him between now and our next meeting if that doesn't work out and I want to run any other names from my in-network insurance list by him.

He was very nonjudgmental and looked sincerely sad that this had happened to me. He wasn't judgmental about me not telling my husband yet either. He said he was VERY glad that I was talking to friends about it and that it sounded awful.

I don't know what happened to me--how I snapped out of this trance. I hope I don't fall back in. I don't know how I snapped out. Please please PLEASE dear lord don't let me fall back in.

I have been experiencing periods of EXTREME exhaustion during the day though--above and beyond the "I'm a 40-year-old working mom" kind of exhaustion--like moments where I literally just have to lie down on the floor because my whole body is so completely without energy. It's kind of scary especially when it happens when I'm taking care of the baby. I don't know if it's related to this T1 situation or not.

I'm not expecting any big windfall from this situation. It would be wonderful if I could get back the money I paid him, but I've got REALLY low expectations about that. I may talk to a lawyer at some point but that's way down the road.

I don't know what happened. A week ago I still would have run to him and ripped my clothes off and begged him to let me give him a blow job.

And today? I'm like "Iw. He's gross."

WTF??????????????????????????????????????

Today, I've backslid a little--feeling some pangs of longing but nothing like last week.

Today I'm really just like: "What the **** did that guy just DO to me?" I feel like I just got off a tilt-a-whirl for the first time in three years and I'm so disoriented.

What the **** DID just happen to me? I truly feel like he had me hypnotized. It's terrifying.

Just got back from a session with T2. I emailed him a couple days ago saying I'd like to talk to him about the reporting process. He went through the guidelines for misconduct from the state licensing board with me and pointed out specific ways in which T1 violated these codes and then some. He has stated that he would report him himself if he could, but he would need my written permission.

He also said that I have the right to sue T1 but that the document states that the suit must be brought within a year of the misconduct. The real misconduct started in October of last year, so that only gives me six months.

I told him I'm not ready yet, but expect that I will be very soon.

I'm wondering if the report will carry more weight coming from a licensed therapist or from me directly. He said he would also add all of the information about his interactions with T1 around my case and T1's refusal to share information in spite of me signing a release and T1 stating that he was angry that T2 moved in on "his case."

In my state, I'm told, the client's report carries more weight since it's first hand experience and that an attached letter and documents from another T would be helpful.

The suit must be brought within one year from the time you first realized you had been harmed.
(At least this was true in my state where the exploitation occurred.)
But check it out with your lawyer-friend.

I honestly don't know what's come over me. I'm suddenly like "I'm taking this ****er DOWN."

I don't know where it came from.

I do dissociate--it's part of the reason I went to therapy in the first place. It takes me a LONG time to react to things. When someone dies, I'll even tell people: I am going to be so upset two or three days from now. It's a thing with me. It takes me a very long time to feel my feelings.

I'm at the two month mark today. The anger has arrived.

I am so glad I got away.

I was honestly shopping for a gun to blow my brains out. It's true. I told T1 this. Did he not care at all? I have a baby, whom he has met many times. Is he just brutally incompetent or a complete psychopath? I was going to kill myself.

my pdoc reported my T along with my complaint

he wrote a letter stating how my former t had groomed me. they knew each other and would communicate about my treatment often

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think I have to make the complaint myself to regain some sense of control and sanity. Even though I know I can't control what he thinks, I don't want T1 thinking this complaint is all coming from T2 or that I was coerced into it. If I do it, I want T1 to know it's coming from me. I'll gladly include a letter of support from T2. T2 said T1 has been sketchy AF about this from the beginning.

Go with your gut. I'm not trying to push you one way or the other. I'm just sharing my experience. It was not easy

It sure as **** doesn't sound easy. I just started looking back through some of the old emails now. I TOLD him--in the emails--that I was gun shopping over this thing with him.

WTF was he thinking???

i printed over 200 emails from my former T for the Board. they wanted to take my computer's hard drive, so they did. i let them. i was in a psych ward 2 hours away. they gave it back to me. i guess they just wanted to make sure they were real

I agree with JDNA, I'm not encouraging you to report to the medical board or file a civil suit.

If anything, I would discourage you. It's time, energy and emotionally consuming. Even if you find a civil lawyer who takes you on a contingency basis, a civil suit or licensing board suit will cost money...travel, copying, mailing and, in my case, I had hotel expenses when I had to travel out of town for depositions and meetings. You will probably have baby sitting fees. That's another thing...all of it made me emotionally unavailable for my daughter. It was ALL retraumatizing. It prolonged my "relationship" with the Pdoc, it prolonged and interfered with subsuquent therapy and recovery. It increased my anxiety and depression. It partly contributed to several psych hospitalizations (though his abuse was enough to make me suicidal.)

No, I wouldn't encourage you to file a complaint. There's no certainty that you will succeed in getting his license disciplined or succeed with your civil suit..and how would you deal with that on top of T1's harmful exploitation? How would you feel to spend all the money for past and subsuquent therapy, travel expenses, etc...and LOSE anyway? That's what happened to me.

No, I won't tell you to go for it. But I WILL support you in whatever decision you make.

He is a crazy person who tortured me for years. I don't know how to just let that go. T2 said he would gladly file the report on my behalf if I gave him permission.

Just so glad today that I'm free of him. I am so confused still about what happened. I think back on so many times that he seemed to be truly kind to me. I really felt like he cared about me and that I was important to him--then I look at our emails from over the last year and there were times when he was straight up cruel.

I don't understand what happened. Part of me truly does blame myself, because him meanness didn't really show itself until after I revealed my feelings about him.

I wonder if it was just difficulty handling my feelings or something that happened in his personal life that caused him to change. Or did he not change at all, and I was just blind this whole time?

Having a rough one this morning, so checking in. Had sex with my husband and it's so confusing and weird because I can't get aroused without thinking about T1. I've been doing really well just shutting off my attraction to him, but I'm still locked in this incredibly weird situation where my sexual arousal is completely tied to this person who tortured me. How the hell do you deal with THAT?

I don't really know, Ramona. My only suggestion is what I have said before - separate out whatever elements of T1 that was the turn on and create a completely new fictional character in your fantasy life. Maybe you could base it off some fictional character from a book where you already have to use a level of your imagination to create the image of the character. Call this new fantasy guy... something so not T1 - I believe Una has gosling covered... but you get the idea. I have no clue if this is a healthy way to deal with it... My point is.. the fantasy person that you keep calling T1 isn't really the cruel and abusive T1 you saw. The fantasy person is an extrapolation of all the good things you felt and saw with T1. Since coming out of your fog, you said that he is not even your type, that you find him ugly. So what would this fantasy guy be like - more channing tatum (really don't know your type or age here so ...)

And of course keep working with your new T's around it.

I think Elio is right. You're not attracted to T1 as he really is. You're attracted to the fantasy or the idea of T1. So I think it's okay to try to create a new fantasy character who has the qualities you liked in the fantasy of T1 while you are trying to sort through this. I am sure that with time it will get better if you keep working on this with your other therapists.

Ramona,
I am not denying that your therapist was bad for you.

But I wonder if you can reflect and ask yourself why you give this man so much power? I wonder if perhaps as long as you continue holding on to the idea that he is the cause of your suffering, you don't have to take any responsibility for yourself to take the necessary steps towards your own healing

I've been reading up on maschositic personality traits and I know I identify with some of those. Have you ever read up on those ideas? You might identify with some of the patterns and find it helpful to explain the cause of some of your suffering. I know it did for me.

Who says he isn't the cause of her suffering?

Who says she hasn't been taking the necessary steps toward her own healing?

T1 frequently said the same thing to me. That I "wanted" to suffer. That I was solely responsible for creating my own misery. That I was afraid to feel good. But it's not true. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to be miserable. I just want my life back. He kept telling me the misery was what I really wanted but it wasn't.

It's why I've started feeling better after spending months away from him. He kept telling me how much I wanted to be miserable and that I was choosing to feel the way I did. He said it in the last session with him too.

I was sobbing and telling him that I would miss him so much but that I didn't think he'd handled my transference very well, and he said that I always like to focus on the negative because I choose to seek out misery.

Well then give him points for being able to recognize and reinforce your self-destructive patterns. Unfortunately, THATS NOT HIS JOB!!! What a richard head. Sorry. I know a t who thinks like that, and i just cant talk to him.

The way you described your T, he sounds like a completely ****** therapist who, in addition to crossing lines, didn't seem to be all that helpful in terms of helping you work through the transference.

I wonder, though, if you see any truth to what he says. Not that you want to be miserable, but that maybe you find some sort of pleasure in your suffering. Maybe you associate suffering with some sort of righteousness or you get some sort of gratification out of it.

You also mention that you can't get sexually aroused unless you are thinking of your T, someone who screwed you over. That has a bit of a masochistic element to it.

Again, I am not denying that you were exploited by your therapist, I am really sorry that you had to go through that. I am just trying to offer you a different, more empowering(I think) perspective.

If you don't think the above applies to you, just ignore it.

Hm, I had a thought--is it possible that it was the forbidden element of sex with T1 that aroused you? Because it was crossing a line ethically and you are both married? I wonder if you could try to do something like role-playing in your sex life with your H. Not pretending he's T, but come up with some other authority figure for him to be, or to just be a stranger, something like that. Get him involved in the fantasy rather than just having it be in your head.

Or maybe you're looking for novelty--maybe try having sex in different places, like within your house? A few years ago, I would have suggested maybe trying in a public place, but...uh...H and I were caught by police when we tried to do that at the beach late at night (thankfully they just gave us a warning, but it was a thoroughly humiliating experience!)

Just a few ideas...maybe you've already tried these or your H wouldn't be into them, but just ideas.

The forbidden naughty element was a HUGE factor in my situation

Most DEFINITELY a factor. We can't do it anywhere else in our house but the couch because we're in a one bedroom with my baby, but yes I can try switching the fantasy around to someone else. We had sex this weekend and I thought of T1 and it made me feel so ill and sad afterwards, so I don't think the masochistic thing applies. I am grateful to be away from him, feeling like myself again for the first time in years.

Last week I was already to report him and this week I'm terrified--like he can somehow "get" to me still. I feel really scared of him. I'm blown away that this person was somehow able to keep me in this haze for such a long time. I really feel like I'm waking up from being drugged or brainwashed or something. Most of the time it feels good but sometimes it's really sad and terrifying.

It's like I feel like he'll be able to retaliate against me somehow and get to me. I'm really scared of him.