Trying to get out

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. I wasn't planning on doing it yesterday, but then I called an audible in the session. He was saying more weird things. I said I hadn't made a decision about which T I was staying with or even if I was staying with one at all. He said I had to come up with a timeline of when I'd decide and wouldn't let me talk about anything else until I set a timeline. I said "OK I'll decide within the week." It's all kind of a blur right now but I was saying how it's very hard to trust him and he really hurt me and he was like "Why would you want to come to therapy with someone you don't trust who's hurting you?" I said "So you agree I should go to T2?" And he said "No, you always twist my words around. I've told you I want you to stay, but I'm asking why are you staying if it's not helpful?" I said: "You know this. It's because of the sexual attraction." There was more nonsense on his part and I finally said "OK, I've made my decision. I'm not coming back here anymore .This is my last session." Then I said I wanted to know why he'd said those things to me about desiring me and how he'd be with me sexually if he wasn't my therapist and why he said we could be together mentally emotionally and spiritually. Then he completely dodged this and said he wanted to know why I'd said I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue therapy with T2 either and wasn't sure if maybe I should just stop going to therapy overall. I said: "What about the question I just asked you?" He said: "You're trying to control the therapy and we're not moving forward until we talk about why you're considerin gstoppig therapy altogether." I said: "Because I've been coming here 3.5 years, spent all my money, energy and time on this and I still woke up this morning wishing i was dead. I don't know if I want to go to therapy ever again after this experience. NOW will you answer my question." He said: "You're trying to gain power by demanding I answer your question." I said: "You're always saying how I shouldn't think of myself as powerless, so yes, this is me trying to gain some power. Would you please answer the question of why you said those things?" He FINALLY said: "Because they were true." I said "What did you mean by 'being together mentally emotionally and spiritually?" He said: "I just meant you coming to therapy." I said: "Do you understand how the things you said could be VERY confusing to me?" He gave me a VERY begrudging "Yes." I said: "I think you handled my transference really badly." He said: "I did what I thought was best at the time. You've made me the repository for everyone who's wronged you in your life and you want to blame me for everyone who's ever hurt you." I said: "But YOU actually hurt me. " He asked me how. He literally asked me that. I told him. He said I distort everything and twist it all around. I said: "No I don't, you're gaslighting me." Then he switched the subject. There were about 20 minutes left at this point and I just started crying and desperately looking around the room trying to get a last look at all of the art on the wall, the books, the stuffed animal on the bookshelf, etc."

I said: "I don't want to do this. I don't want it to end this way. This is not how I thought I'd leave therapy with you. I am so sad. I will really, really miss you."

He was like a STONE. No emotion or response. My mind was just desperately searching for everything I've ever wanted to tell him because this was my last chance. I finally did a full back bend in yoga last week and he's the one who got me into yoga and I started sobbing and saying "I can do a backbend now." He said "Congratulations. I hope you can take that away as a positive you've gained from this therapy, but I know you always want to focus on the negative." I said: "No, I DON'T. I DON'T want to focus on the negative. I DON'T want to be unhappy. I DON'T want to be miserable. I DON'T want to be lonely and feel dead inside. I don't want ANY of those things." He said: "Part of you does."

I said I was scared about losing the sexual awakening that I'd had. He said: "I'm sure you can find it again." I sobbed. Then it was time to go. I stood up, gave him his check, looked him in the eye and said "Goodbye" and then walked out without looking back and closed the door to the waiting room.

I cried all the way to the car and wrote T2 to get ready because I just fired T1 and was crying a lot. I stopped crying by the time I got to my car and felt really good and powerful for the rest of the day. T1 is a **** UP. I went to a session with T2 and he said he's already been looking into reporting T1 but is still consulting with some people. T2 was very supportive and says I can email him any time.

I told my husband about dumping T1 and somehow managed to tell the story leaving out ALL of the stuff about the sexual attraction and the weird sexual stuff that has gone on between me and T1 and just told my husband some of the things that he'd said in general and my husband said: "Jesus, he sounds like a teenage boyfriend who's getting dumped and is all defensive."

My husband is being very supportive. I've told him this is going to be hard for me.

Today I don't feel good at all. I'm pretty overwhelmed with sadness. I have two friends who know about this who are really encouraging me.

I can't ****ing believe I'll never see him again. He has been the center of my life for over three years. I can't imagine what happens next. I'm pretty scared and sad. I still can't believe I did it.

Thank you all for being with me through this. I think I have a tough road ahead.

Also, when I was talking to T2 about it, he was like "T1 ****ed this up SO badly." And he also told me (T2 did) that he consulted with some of his colleagues on what happened between me and T1 without using either of our names. The other therapist he was consulting with said "Are you talking about (insert T1's name here)." T2 said "Why would you ask that?" The other therapist said: "Because he's been known to drop the ball and really screw up some cases before--not in this same way with a sexual thing, but he's definitely dropped the ball with other patients. It's a known thing."

One of my friends who is a therapist is strongly encouraging me to file a complaint with the BBS. T1 doesn't have any complaints on public file, but she said that just means there weren't any that went to a final decision in front of the board and that he could have a stack of complaints on file that were on the borderline and me submitting one more might push them over the edge to actually reprimand him, or might just add to the pile and set the precedent for the next person who files a complaint about him.

I'm thinking about it.

I think on the one hand it's a little weird that T2 tells you these behind the scenes things but on the other hand it's reassuring. It's not you twisting things and it does not seem related to you.

As for the complaint, I would do it if I felt it would be helpful for me.

Yes, I did find it helpful but it IS weird right? Being involved with T2 at all is pretty weird because he knows T1. One of my friends who is a therapist has strongly recommend I fire T2 as well, just because, as she says it, "he's a tie to the schmuck."

When I was telling my husband the edited version of the two sessions yesterday he was just like "They're BOTH weird. T1 sucks but T2 is weird too. It's like T2 is your high school friend who's supporting you after you got dumped by his friend in marching band."

I am in a therapy cluster**** for sure. I may need to fire T2 as well, but I ain't doing that right now--not for at least a few more weeks. The thought of starting over with someone new is totally overwhelming--I don't think I'll go to another therapist for quite a while if I leave T2. And as weird as the T2 situation is, he is a good therapist who is being very supportive. It's just a confusing, icky situation all around.

I'm glad he told me that other therapists know T1 is a **** up, but you're right it is a little weird. There are crazy weird boundaries getting crossed left and right. It's pretty exhausting.

Hey ramona

I'm so proud of you. That session sounds extremely difficult. T1 kept saying you were trying to take the "power". Um, duh. This man has enticed you, now you're calling him out. He's scared. I think he knows this has gone wrong in a bad way.

What is the BBS?

It's the Board of Behavioral Sciences. It's a place I could report him to.

T1 was SO awful during yesterday's session. He was like a crazy person. He just kept cutting me off and not letting me talk and he was so defensive and just kept saying things that made no sense. I started saying "One of the things that really hurt was when you said I couldn't email you anymore and I don't think--"

And he cut me off: "RAMONA, he said, I NEVER SAID THAT. You LOVE to twist my words around and distort things. I only said that if you emailed me I wouldn't read it."

I said: "What the **** are you talking about? Why the **** would I email you if you weren't going to read it?"

He just kept saying that I've decided he can't do anything right and that I just want to vilify him, and then he said that thing about me wanting to control the session. It's MY ****ing SESSION asshole! My LAST session. I said to him: "Could I talk about what III want to talk about for once?" He said: "You can talk about EVERYTHING you want to talk about." And then when I'd start talking he'd just cut me off and said **** that made NO sense. "You're trying to take the power, you feel powerless right now so you're trying to control the conversation,..."

He's the worst. I hate him. And it's only been a day.

And I directly said to him: "I think you handled my transference really badly." And he was just like: "Well, I can't do anything right with you. You just want to make me the bad guy in every way. I did what I thought was best at the time."

No responsibility whatsoever.

"Did what I thought was best AT THE TIME"

People say that when they know what they've done was wrong, but want to blame it on things like impulse and passions of the moment. It's just an excuse.

This line here really jumped out at me. You ARE supposed to control your own therapy. It should be up to what you need to address and talk about, not what the T wants. Or at least that's how my T and MC run therapy--"client-led."

What you said here was great--that you're just doing with him what he's told you to do.

I'm surprised he admitted that. I figured he'd say you twisted his words around, that he never said those things. But then, what he really should have said is, "I shouldn't have said those things."

He knows that's not what he meant...but of course he won't admit that.

[quote[I said: "Do you understand how the things you said could be VERY confusing to me?" He gave me a VERY begrudging "Yes."[/quote]

Surprised he actually said that! Yet he didn't apologize...

Wow, it's almost impressive how much he avoids taking responsibility. (I'm not saying that as a compliment to him...)
...Ugh, totally blaming you for his mistakes...(That's awesome you can do a backbend though!)

...That's an astute observation by your H.

I'm glad he's being so supportive. Maybe this will ultimately help bring you closer?

It's going to be really tough for a bit, but please stay strong. You'll get through this. You'll feel better eventually. Lean on your H, your friends, T2, this forum. You have lots of support out there.

I told another friend from grad school about it last night and she was horrified and insistent that he could have his "license ripped out of his grubby little paws." I'm afraid it's not bad enough to actually get him in trouble because there was no actual sexual contact. It's almost like he knew just exactly how much he could get away with.

I wish I'd been more prepared when I went in for my last session but I didn't know it was my last.

Not doing so well today at all. So much longing for him. I just kept thinking about how he used to be SO NICE to me. He was really nice to me for a really long time, and then I revealed my feelings and he was still nice to me for a while and then I honestly don't know what happened. I don't know where everything went so wrong. I just wanted to share my sexual fantasies about us with him and let it make me feel alive and I don't know what happened. I don't understand. I can't imagine anyone else is ever going to make my body feel that way that he did. If I had just kept my mouth shut I could have kept it going--kept getting my hand held, kept hearing how he wanted me. I don't know where I ****ed this all up and scared him off. It hurts so much. The black hole is opening up.

You can't imagine it, but there will be people who can make your body feel that way, even better. It happened with me. But I had to break up the long-term relationship I was in, twice. Also, I think something to recognize is that making your body feel a certain way is not only about the other person, it is also about you, and you have made a big change to yourself that will help you on the way to that (you have experienced a kind of sexual awakening). All through your story, I have wondered if you need to take a hard look at your partner. You're not attracted to him, I think you mentioned. Can you imagine that you solve things with him, and become closer? Or, alternatively, get divorced, and see other people? open up the relationship? whatever, there are a lot of things to take a closer look at. And you will feel like **** for a long time. Hugs. You will get out of it.

After stopping therapy, I also slowly filled my life with things that I love and enjoy and didn't have anything to do with him.

This is something that has shaken you to your core. You can heal, but it will take time and more work. I'm sorry it isn't easier.

I think as you go through the grieving process you will start to let go of this. You may not ever know what happened on his end but it is not your fault. Bottom line is he had the responsibility to maintain healthy, therapeutic boundaries for your better well-being and he was not capable of doing that. I understand it's terribly hard right now. Just allow yourself to grieve the loss. Answers, letting go, clarity will follow.

Hang in there. post as much as you want here, we are all here. pm if you want to.

I'm not feeling well at all. Not at all. I feel so sick. Like my one chance to feel alive is gone and I have to live the rest of my life just eating **** and telling myself I should be grateful for my miserable ****ing life. I just want him to hold my hand again. I am so sad.

The best thing to do at the moment might be let your self feel all these bad feelings. Just feel them, feel sad for yourself, feel sad about life, because the truth is, it is a crapshoot and everything that happened to you certainly did not help.

I've been talking to my husband about how I'm hurting over this relationship ending and how he and I and everyone I know has known it was a bad therapy relationship for years (still haven't brought up any of the sexual part.) I think I'm going to have to tell him what happened pretty soon. It's so hard to keep it all inside.

It sounds like a way to open the discussion between you two both about why you feel so bad and about your relationship.

hi ramona! i read through a lot of this thread and am so sorry you are having to go through this. i feel like i can relate in some aspects but unlike you, i haven't had the courage/strength to leave the situation yet. i admire your bravery and strength. i know it doesn't feel like it now, and very possibly it won't feel like it for a while, but i can assure you that with time, you will be able to move forward. one day this man will not control your emotions because you took the first (amazing) step to reach that point...terminating therapy with him. i can only imagine how awful you feel now, though, as the thought of ending therapy with my T doesn't seem like an option because i feel like i need him so much. because of this, again, i admire you. like i said, i am confident that you will overcome this obstacle. take it a day at a time - an hour at a time maybe. remember to practice self-care (eating well, drinking lots of water, exercising) so you will be at your best physically to work through this emotional time. you can get through this.

Is your husband willing to go to marriage counseling? It might help to have a third party there when you talk about this to explain about transference and stuff like that. And it would probably be better to describe it as transference (especially because there was some paternal stuff there too) than regular "intense sexual longing." I also wouldn't say that the good sex you had recently with your H was due to thoughts about your ex-T. Don't feel the need to share everything.

Saying this from experience, as my H had some difficulty dealing with my transference for our marriage counselor, though when I realized it was mostly paternal, it was much easier for him to deal with--though I think he still struggles with my attachment to him at times. Having MC there to explain transference and what it was about helped. I of course do NOT recommend actually meeting with your H and ex-T about it. One possibility would be to bring your H to a couple sessions with T2, but I think it would be better to find an outside person to see.

Just want to cry and cry and it won't come out. I feel like I've been run over by a bus.

People are ****ing ****s. I gave this guy so much money. I would have let him do anything to me. I still would. He sleeps like a baby at night. I don't know what he was doing? It made him feel good that I told him about that extended orgasm I guess? That's OK. But why did he stop being kind to me. I honestly can't remember when things went wrong.

I trusted someone careless with my heart. In therapy. It was terribly hurtful to me but it's probably technically not even bad enough to report. It's hard to cope with. I can't believe I'll never see him again.

And he sleeps with SUCH peace. I'M the one at fault.

Get angry. I do not believe you were at fault. We (many/most) are vulnerable in therapy. I feel he used you for his financial gain but I also think for his ego and his own sexual gratifications.

I am sorry that this has happened to you... to you. It was his responsibility to witness and hold whatever came up for you and to keep healthy boundaries with those items. And from the sounds of it, he is known in your community to be a problem T. I hope your new T can help you sort this out. Additionally, I hope he helps you find the way to tap into that sexual energy that you found exhilarating but in a healthier way - one that is consistent with your life and your current relationship arrangements.

Your H might be more supportive than you expect.

While not with a therapist, I had a peer support volunteer try to establish a romantic relationship with me and groom me for sexual activity.

I'd come clean about some of the uncomfortable stuff to my partner but it was only later that I disclosed the grooming (I did not know I was being groomed), the talk of sexual fantasies etc.

Like your scumbag T, he was so grandiose, even telling me I could talk about us to my psychologist and he talked about us to his psychiatrist and counsellor! He even told me they both had told him he could harm me, break my heart.

He would tell me he loved me, that we should be together, that I should leave my partner, and yet also say things like he's bipolar and not to take his expression of romantic interest for real, that he was just going to have sex with me than use me up and discard me, that he hoped I wouldn't attempt suicide if he dumped me.

Finally I came clean to my partner after Mr Peer gave me flowers and kissed me.

My partner then helped me cut contact with him and is still supporting me through the damage done.

My psychologist reported him to the organisation's psychologist but as he was not an employee but a volunteer and client, nothing was done. If he had been an employed peer support worker, he would have lost his job.

Be good to yourself, kind to yourself. I know it hurts. The anger is good. Your therapist is seriously breaking ethical codes. He is seriously impaired and now trying to cover his ***, make you look crazy, discredit you.

You are strong, struggle to survive although it hurts like hell.

I probably would not bring up the sexual aspect of things at this point, but I do think it might be good to talk to your husband about how this therapist encouraged you to develop an unhealthy attachment to him and how you started to feel dependent on him.

Congratulations Ramona on ending your therapy with T1!!! That is incredibly brave and strong of you. It was an act of self-love. Please be compassionate with yourself, as the other said, it is a loss and you are grieving.

I had something similar, not with a T (although I have felt transference with Ts!), but with an ex-boyfriend. The relationship and breakups, gameplaying, manipulations, he treated me so horribly, he used me, but yet I was so attached to him. It was SO hard to leave my ex, and I had to commit to no contact with him, in order to move on in my life. I got a T that could help with these type of codependence/love addiction issues, and it has really helped me become healthier and stronger. Although, I must admit I still carry a level of attraction for my ex, I have moved on with my life!! I feel so much healthier, stronger, and happier. Part of it, is creating other support systems in my life and finding activities that give me joy. And really focusing on the idea of, self-care, self-love, self-compassion. And as you mentioned, so if relates to previous family related issues, if you can work on this with T2 or a new T, it can also really help you heal from your attachment to T1.

These are just a couple of suggestions!! I know a previous poster mentioned 12 step meetings. I found codependence related 12 step meetings to be VERY helpful. I also attended SLAA meetings, and read a lot of SLAA & codependence related literature. SLAA stands for Sex, Love, Addicts, Anonymous. I think you might find a lot of solace in a SLAA meeting. As a women, I attended women only meetings, or mixed meetings (if there was a pretty even mix of men and women). It was so helpful to talk/share, as well as listen, to other people who has struggled with similar attachment related issues in terms of love and sex. I think it may be helpful to you as well. Especially in times where you are feeling particularly low, you can go to a meeting or call someone from a meeting and talk to them. I highly recommend reading the literature on this type of material. Not all meetings are created equal, if you don't vibe with a meeting, keep looking for one that you feel comfortable in.

I know some other posted recommended marriage counseling with your husband, which I think could be very helpful. I was also thinking, (again just a suggestion!!) would you be open to Sex Counseling. You mentioned that you were afraid you may never be able to find the type of sexual energy/release you felt with T1, it may help to explore that with a sex counselor. Because if you felt it with T1, there is no reason, why you cannot feel it again!! Or sex counseling, could be something you do with your husband, if you would like to find a way to achieve that type of sexual passion with your husband, and it may help him become the type of sexual partner you may need.

Please take care and be kind to yourself!!!