Trying to get out

Still so hard to drag myself up and out into my dad. It's not as bad as it was when I was with T1, but the whole situation has really shown me how I've surrounded myself with a lot of people who take advantage of me or keep me in their life because they need someone to **** on. This whole thing is a very unpleasant wake up call.

I have been hoping that the meeting with the lawyer would hurry up and get here already so I could feel like I'm taking some action, but the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about how scary things will be when and if I actually start the legal process. What a shitstorm. I'm feeling so weak right now.

Take it one step at a time. Remind yourself this is just an information-gathering meeting with the lawyer. You are in charge. No one will pursue action unless you say, "ok." Interview more than one lawyer if you can.

You can do this. If you don't want to pursue it, then don't.

Remember- YOUR HEALTH is more important than any legal action. You can be in the middle of legal action and decide to quit.

I just know I don't feel OK now and don't think I'll feel OK in the long run without at least making some attempt to hold him accountable for what happened. And he honestly made SO much money off of me it makes me sick, in addition to the fact that he contributed to keeping me so ill.

He really shouldn't be allowed to see patients any more. It sucks that it falls on me to hold him accountable, but that's the situation I'm in. If I want him held accountable I'M the one who has to report him. If I want to recoup even some of the money he made off my messed up treatment, III have to pursue legal action.

Doing nothing doesn't feel like an option for me. Doing something is just going to be very hard.

I guess what I'm saying- I became extremely anxious, depressed, self-destructive and suicidal at times going through this. It became totally encompassing. PrevT was very in tune and several times suggested I might want to think about ending my involvement in the litigation.

It's not worth your life, if it gets to that.

I hope you keep very close to the T you chose to help you- as you maneuver through litigation.

Ramona,

I still care very much. I have been IP and haven't been on the site until today. Your thread is the first I have read...I'm catching up as I type.

That's really kind of you. What does IP mean? I googled it and can only find it referred to as "Internet Protocol" or "In Progress."

IP means inpatient in a hospital.

I have bipolar 1, PTSD, OCD, GAD, Social anxiety disorder, Panic disorder...I couldn't sleep for five days straight due to stress over my dying parent.

I ended up having a bipolar mixed episode so was admitted IP into a psych mood unit.

So sorry, that sounds terrible. How are you feeling now. Very kind of you to think of me after coming off something so traumatic.

Thank you. I'm struggling but I'll pull through. xo

Woke up this morning feeling so strongly how much I want T1 held responsible. He was (and is, I'm sure) so sleazy and smug. He thinks he can get away with anything. It was fun for him to play around with me and get his ego stroked. I SO badly want him to know he isn't getting away with it. I wish I could file the report against him today, but I still have a week and a half until I meet with a lawyer and know it's most sensible to wait and talk to him first.

Seeing T2 tonight. Don't know if it will be my last session or not. I've sent him a couple of emails over the last two weeks since I saw him but haven't heard back from him. He is clearly quite overwhelmed.

If you want to report then by all means report the basterd

Yes, I'm definitely reporting. Was just advised by a couple people to check in with a lawyer first to see if the reporting will have any effect on a civil suit if I decide to file one. I don't believe I'll ever see his face again, but it would be nice to think of the look on his face when he gets notification that he's been reported and possibly sued.

Yesterday morning I was so low. Today I am back up a little again. I took on a part time job teaching at a summer camp for a few hours a day for the past few weeks and it has helped me SO much with my depression. I've had bizarre work-from-home jobs for almost 8 years now, and I'm a writer/performer/actor/comedy/theater person, so I don't think I've realized how unhealthy these isolating jobs had become for me. When I had my breakdown for years ago, my job was an overnight gig updating a website so I was just alone all night and then I'd sleep all morning and then spend the rest of the time going to therapy.

I became COMPLETELY isolated from the world and T1 was my only lifeline. He made me SICKER. What I really needed to do when I started seeing him was seeking out people and places where I could interact and use my creative talents and feel challenged and valued and where people noticed if I didn't show up. Instead I ended up in total isolation, with my depression and panic becoming my full time job.

Then I got pregnant and got even more lonely and isolated. I imagined somehow that T1 could rescue me from all this and take me away. And when he started vocalizing his sexual feelings for me I thought "Oh, this is why this whole horrific depression happened to me--so I could find the man I'm truly in love with and feel ALIVE again."

I am so sickened by the time that I've lost. I am so sickened by the realization of how I let this man use me. I am so sickened by the realization that he probably operates this way with all the women in his life. And I'm sickened by the idea that he thinks he's getting away with it. Half the time I see what happened very clearly. Half the time I still want to call him and say WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????

Having one of those sporadic surges where I'm so sickened by what I let this guy take from me that I want to report him right this second. I don't want him to go another day thinking that he's getting away with what he did, but I'm holding on to my senses and waiting until I meet with a lawyer in a week and a half. If the lawyer says I have no case then I'm just going to report. Sometimes I'm desperate to do it. Other times I'm terrified, mostly because I fear the outcome will be in his favor.

It is amazing to me how far you have come since this story started. I don't know what the right answer is in regards how to report him or when to do it, but I am so glad that you seem to be getting in touch with the anger you have about how he treated you, because I think letting yourself be angry at him is probably a necessary step in healing from this.

I was wondering how you think the revelation that your ex therapist made to your current therapist plays into the possible outcome of your legal case? If he admitted his wrong doing to another professional and is also a personal colleague, has he not hung himself?

I texted my lawyer friend about it and she just wrote back:

"Boom. Admission of guilt."

I hope there's something I can do to stop him. I felt SO MUCH like my old self today. I worked on fixing up my apartment. I squeezed my baby. I went to meet my husband at MC (he was getting a haircut right before and met me there.) I got in the car and realized that the heat was so sweltering today that the clothes I was wearing were completely soaked with sweat and I didn't want to go back in the house and unsettle the baby who was settled in with the sitter. I was early for the appointment and walked into a little shop a block away from the office and pointed to a bright yellow summer dress on the mannequin and said "how much is that?" It was cheap--on sale. I wore it out and tossed my wet clothes in a shopping bag. I haven't bought new clothes in ages.

I went to MC and it was great. The hubby and I talked about our lives and the things we want to improve. MC is lovely and kind. H talked about how he knows our lives are imperfect but he just wants to be able to relax sometimes instead of feeling like everything is so fatal. I realized how much better I've been feeling since I've been away from that dirtbag T1 and how I can feel happiness sometimes now. Not all the time, but sometimes. I felt hope today.

T1 robbed me of so much time and peace.

I had a good day in a yellow dress and felt hopeful. Now I hope I can hold T1 accountable for the time and happiness and money he robbed from me. I am very well aware that he might come out of all of this without a scratch--but I DO want him to know that I know what he did and that I think he should be ashamed of himself. It's hard to even believe I survived. I must have thought of suicide at least 1000 times.

Ive been wanting a yellow dress! Way to go!

That is fantastic, ramona Your story is such a good (albeit obviously painful) example that we don't need to get stuck in this whole ET thing and "work through" with the very person that triggered it. You are consulting with other professionals but are clearly doing you own work and, I at least believe, that can be more effective and lasting than trying to hang on others for help and relying on them too much, especially one single source. I imagine that you will have more and more days like what you described in the last post. Not only those good days of course, but the holistic approach is usually the best in my experience to progress with things. Way to go!

All this being said, I did wake up this morning thinking about him. When he very inappropriately suggested to T2 that he come to one of my T2 sessions and talk about what had happened between us I was so enraged. Then when I saw T2 this week, he said that he hadn't heard from T1 at all--as in T1 had not followed up to see if I was open to the session with T2. This morning I woke up heartbroken about this. Although 80% of me knew this was something he just said to T2 in the moment to try to cover his ***, there was still like 20% of me thinking: "Maybe he really does want to see me. Maybe he really is sorry. Maybe this really is just a mistake and he was totally in love with me and it was all just an unfortunate circumstance where we couldn't be together."

And of course...no...he was just trying to cover his *** in the moment. It HURTS.

The mornings are the hardest. That's when I have the urge to call and make an appointment to see him again. Having a big bad one right now.

I just want to crawl under a ROCK. I've been worried about losing my job so someone suggested that I join Linked In to network with other possible employers. I didn't realize it was going to send a mass email out to everyone in my address book inviting them to connect with me on Linked In--including T1. A friend texted me shortly afterwards telling me "no offense, I just don't do linked in so I won't be accepting your request" and then I realized what had happened and that after 14 weeks "clean"--then I realized I totally emailed T1 (and T2 and T3 and any other therapist I've ever sent an email to).

I was hysterical and quickly composed a mass email to send to everyone, including T1, saying that it had been a mistake and that I had closed my account, but I have Yahoo mail and couldn't email everyone at once. My husband spent over an hour trying to help me email "All Contacts" and it just wouldn't work and then he finally researched that you can only email 100 people an hour from my account, then he helped me compose a BCC email apologizing and send it to T1 BCC making it look like a mass email just saying "Whoops, sorry about that."

I feel like a heroin addict who fell into a needle. I did NOT want to email him! I didn't sleep all night. I was throwing up and crying.

Ramona -- you didn't email him; a computer emailed him. And, now, your husband emailed him from your account.

This doesn't count as breaking your "days clean." I promise.

(((Hugs)))

Agreed! I'm guessing it's not the only LinkedIn invite he's received from a client...

I am so mortified and upset. Now I'm afraid it will somehow effect my case because it looks like I was trying to initiate contact with him again. I was hysterical last night and didn't sleep at all. I'm also out of my sleeping pills and my psychiatrist didn't call them in yesterday on the worst night ever.