[Explorelife]

I find that I get so affected by people that I get close to, and that includes my therapists...

I was having some talk therapy for a couple of months and then kind of was making appointments when I wanted to. Usually it ended up being every other week for a couple of months. I then slowed down a lot and the therapist had recommended another therapist for EMDR. I had told her I had some experience with it last year. That conversation triggered me to start crying and hyperventilating, saying that I thought the sexual abuse was my fault. I got light-headed and she offered me water.

I had thought she was interested in me doing EMDR so I was kind of looking forward to it. Then she didn't bring it up again, so I asked her about it. She said she would introduce me to the new therapist and to see her on a Tuesday, which I could never get an appointment with her for when I tried to schedule it. I got the impression I had to call more often to try to get her, but I don't want to do that as having to call a lot makes me feel anxious and discouraged.

So I ended up making an appointment with the other therapist, as my first therapist said I could just do that too. Eventually I saw the new therapist once, but wasn't sure where I stood with my old therapist, as I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. She said she appreciated that and that she was ok. She said I could go one week her, and one week him. Then she went on two vacations lasting about three weeks each, at a time. It was a hard time for me.

When she came back from the vacations, she seemed different. Like distracted and more casual attitude. I can't remember now what she had said differently, but I had brought up something again and she said things changed. I felt uncomfortable with her and felt like she was being distant with me. I also found that going to two different therapies every week too stressful, so I started to focus on the new therapist who does somatic psychotherapy. He said he'd see me every week and then I could go back to my old therapist when we were done.

(The receptionists seem a bit weird with me going to the other therapist and I'm not sure how I am supposed to deal with that situation either, so I'm just ignoring it. But they ask me if I need any new appointments, and I tell them he's given me same day and time every week.)

The new therapy was really mild at first but now we have been doing stuff with me pushing a pillow last week, which I have been feeling anger a lot over being physically abused by my father, as well as my mother not protecting me. I've had a terrible meltdown yesterday mostly screaming and crying. Also have been hitting pillows since yesterday and just very reactive.

Today in therapy I was doing ok but I think I got dissociated as I felt my chair spinning backwards over and over so my therapist put his shoe on my foot. Then he slid his shoe off and pushed my shoe again just the front area. I freaked out and got mad that he did that and I asked him what he was doing with his foot. He said he was grounding me, and that that is a technique used in therapy.

I did a lot of shaking and banging my feet and had a lot of weird bodily sensations but we didn't touch any more. He smiled a couple of times and I said he had a nice smile and he said I do too. Now I had some sexual fantasy and masturbating and felt really ashamed afterwards. I feel really confused and am wondering what he thinks of me and if he likes me or if he was coming on to me. I kind of interpreted it like someone holding my hand to try to comfort me, but I do not handle well being comforted when I am upset as it is weird. My parents were not into comforting me as a kid.

I'm a little scared that I might not be able to continue therapy if I get weird with him. I always get weird with people, or I get my feelings hurt by them. I don't know what to do and I am feeling confused and in a very vulnerable state.

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Wow, it sounds like you're in a difficult situation.... but it also sounds like you might be walking down the path of Erotic Transference and if I could go back to the stage where you're at now... I'd run and never look back. Because that would've saved me from the torture of falling in love with a man I could never have and it's incredibly painful and made me even sicker than I was when I entered therapy. Just a warning.... No therapist is worth playing with fire because you always get burned. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can see for yourself if you choose.

Originally Posted by CriesAndGoodbyes

Wow, it sounds like you're in a difficult situation.... but it also sounds like you might be walking down the path of Erotic Transference and if I could go back to the stage where you're at now... I'd run and never look back. Because that would've saved me from the torture of falling in love with a man I could never have and it's incredibly painful and made me even sicker than I was when I entered therapy. Just a warning.... No therapist is worth playing with fire because you always get burned. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can see for yourself if you choose.

I understand the advice you gave, but the chances are this is a pattern & is very lightly to be repeated with another T. It shows there is a need to be loved & is just 'misplaced' My advice would be to work with it, talk about it really openly with your T & it will get easier to bear. Many things in therapy are hard, uncomfortable, embarrassing, but they are the very things that we 'need' to work on. Patterns don't change by themselves!

[CriesAndGoodbyes]

Well in my case it wasn't a pattern, that was the only T I had that issue with and I've seen many T's. I have no problems with ET or Transference of any kind with my current T or any other past T's. Just the one T that fed into it by complimenting me inappropriately and running therapy around very loose boundaries. Which sounds a lot like what the Original Poster's T is doing. My advice was based on the fact that this T told the original Poster that they had a nice smile too and also crossed her personal space to step on her toes. Sounds like a T who is going to foster, feed and possibly intentionally create an ET - which would have zero therapeutic benefit and in my case, ended in disaster and left me worse off in the end.