[Mudlocke]

I had no idea what was going on for the past 2 years of my therapy sessions. No aims, no plans, I just went there for 2 years straight and got to know a female therapist very well.

I guess I suffered sexual and romantic transference. I think she suffered it also. It became a game of very confusing exchanges of words and actions between both parties that most likely caused her as much confusion and pain as it had me. Nothing ever became physical, yet it felt like that was where both sides wanted it to go. Neither side was willing to make the move, yet it was clear that is what both sides wanted.

My last session ended on Monday last week. She told me she was wondering what we'd be considering after counseling ends she wouldn't be my therapist anymore. I was waiting for her to say we could be friends or possibly more. What I got instead is that she wanted to be my mentor. At that moment I felt such disappointment and a deep sadness. I had spend 2 years crazy over this woman and then when I expected things to be different she said that. She promised she'd never abandon me in the past, although I am not sure if she'll keep to her word. It's been a week and we haven't spoke. I feel very suicidal and alone. I know it's just been a week, but it feels like months when I feel as unhappy as this.

I feel so lonely with this because I don't feel able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't anyone to talk to apart from when I phone the Samaritans. They don't make me feel much better though because they either fail to understand due to not experiencing it themselves or they want to end the call early because I just end up wanting to repeat every single thing she's ever said or done and they say the call isn't going anywhere and tell me to call back after having a think about things.

I hate myself for what happened. How could i be so stupid. I go to sleep every night hoping she'll call or text me. It feels like my whole life just revolves around waiting for her to contact me. I don't feel right seeking her out with texts though because I want her to talk to me if she wants too. So i wait and wait. I could be waiting forever all I know.

I feel as though I am such a minor person in her life she will forget about me and carry on her life like I never existed. She took me out for ice cream on our last session, but maybe she did it as something special for a last goodbye. The thought of never seeing her again hurts me more than I can put into words.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by Mudlocke

I had no idea what was going on for the past 2 years of my therapy sessions. No aims, no plans, I just went there for 2 years straight and got to know a female therapist very well.

I guess I suffered sexual and romantic transference. I think she suffered it also. It became a game of very confusing exchanges of words and actions between both parties that most likely caused her as much confusion and pain as it had me. Nothing ever became physical, yet it felt like that was where both sides wanted it to go. Neither side was willing to make the move, yet it was clear that is what both sides wanted.

My last session ended on Monday last week. She told me she was wondering what we'd be considering after counseling ends she wouldn't be my therapist anymore. I was waiting for her to say we could be friends or possibly more. What I got instead is that she wanted to be my mentor. At that moment I felt such disappointment and a deep sadness. I had spend 2 years crazy over this woman and then when I expected things to be different she said that. She promised she'd never abandon me in the past, although I am not sure if she'll keep to her word. It's been a week and we haven't spoke. I feel very suicidal and alone. I know it's just been a week, but it feels like months when I feel as unhappy as this.

I feel so lonely with this because I don't feel able to talk to anyone about it. I haven't anyone to talk to apart from when I phone the Samaritans. They don't make me feel much better though because they either fail to understand due to not experiencing it themselves or they want to end the call early because I just end up wanting to repeat every single thing she's ever said or done and they say the call isn't going anywhere and tell me to call back after having a think about things.

I hate myself for what happened. How could i be so stupid. I go to sleep every night hoping she'll call or text me. It feels like my whole life just revolves around waiting for her to contact me. I don't feel right seeking her out with texts though because I want her to talk to me if she wants too. So i wait and wait. I could be waiting forever all I know.

I feel as though I am such a minor person in her life she will forget about me and carry on her life like I never existed. She took me out for ice cream on our last session, but maybe she did it as something special for a last goodbye. The thought of never seeing her again hurts me more than I can put into words.

This sounds so awful. What did you say in response to her saying she wanted to be your "mentor"--and what did you understand that to mean?

[BudFox]

Sounds like a nightmare. I experienced some aspects of what you went through. This gets as close to capturing the basic dynamic as anything I have come across:

"Transference is psychological interference that can never be ethical. It is a calculated abuse. Sure, it addresses itself as a functional abuse, one that must be in some way didactic, but it is in the transference where one of a person's most precious gifts, i.e. the ability to love for instance (and of course often too the erotic fantasy that goes along with it) seems so often exploited, toyed with, humiliated."

Exploited, toyed with, humiliated. Yep.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Sounds like a nightmare. I experienced some aspects of what you went through. This gets as close to capturing the basic dynamic as anything I have come across:

"Transference is psychological interference that can never be ethical. It is a calculated abuse. Sure, it addresses itself as a functional abuse, one that must be in some way didactic, but it is in the transference where one of a person's most precious gifts, i.e. the ability to love for instance (and of course often too the erotic fantasy that goes along with it) seems so often exploited, toyed with, humiliated."

Exploited, toyed with, humiliated. Yep.

Where is that a quote from BudFox?

[Mudlocke]

I don't think I said anything when she said it or at least I can't remember what I said. All i remember doing is pretending everything was fine and normal when inside my head I was so angry, hurt and confused.

I do feel toyed with BudFox. I feel as though she made me feel this way as she wanted more, but as soon as I wanted it too she didn't want it anymore. I gave her a token of my love and she even understood it as so. It was her favorite animal hand carved from a gemstone which symbolizes love. When I gave it to her she even identified it as "the gemstone of love and relationships". The words came out of her own mouth. She was over the moon with the gift and extremely happy with me telling me she know's just how much thought I put into it etc. She didn't put me in my place, she didn't tell me she liked me back. She just took the gift, was really happy about it and then asked me out for icecream where she then told me she wanted to be my mentor. Right now I sit here lonely as hell wondering if she even gave me a second thought today. I hate the way my life turned out and I feel as though I could stop existing and nobody would miss me. It felt like my purpose in life was to visit her every week. I have nothing left now.

I don't hate her or feel angry with her. I just feel so very foolish for not only developing feelings for my therapist, but ever being so naive to believe anything good was going to come of it. I think deep down I knew it was never going to be happily ever after, but I just wanted to take the chance and risk encase things worked out in the end.

I'm coming to terms with my own vulnerability, foolishness and naive nature. I thought I was wise before my age, but maybe I have a lot more growing up to do.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by ramonajones

Where is that a quote from BudFox?

Confession 1

Warning, not for the faint of heart.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Mudlocke

I don't hate her or feel angry with her. I just feel so very foolish for not only developing feelings for my therapist, but ever being so naive to believe anything good was going to come of it. .

Seems many intelligent, aware people have fallen for this. You're not alone. I find therapist behavior provocative and seductive. Lot of manipulation of unconscious impulses. Plus therapy is part of the healthcare system and is pushed as a necessary intervention for every deviation from rigidly defined notions of "normal".

[magicalprince]

Hi Mudlocke, I have been there.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's just the worst assortment of feelings in the world. The constant pull between feeling loved and then meaningless.

Please know that you are important, no matter how she reacts to you. Never let yourself believe that you are worthless on account of this woman.