[lucozader]

Today I feel sure that I am truly in love with my T. He is the most beautiful man alive. I want him more than I've ever wanted anything.

I will never have him. His wife gets to have him instead.

Some part of me still knows it's not true, it's not real. Some small part of me. It can't be, right? It's just me, just my stupid brain.

F**k. This hurts so much. I just want to talk to those of you who understand. It hurts, doesn't it? It really hurts.

Last week I hated him instead. Hating him was easier. But I missed loving him then.

This is so ridiculous. I feel like such an idiot.

[DodgersMom]

this is tough, i am not into mine in that sense but god i wish we could be friends. he is like the perfect guy friend i dreamed of for years and its just never gonna happen, its like fate hates me, puts him in my life to torutre me

[lucozader]

You would have liked him too today, DM. He told me about his dog.

[Erebos]

Oh Luc, I am dreading this turning into another horror story.
I really hope he is doing right by you, as a T should. I hate seeing these posts it always feels so wrong to me.

I guess it just seems utterly alien to me to become attached to someone who's interest only lasts as long as my pay cheque does.

I don't understand, but I definitely feel for you and hope beyond hope your situation reaches a successful resolution unlike the so many many others we have encountered through these threads.
Take care hun. Wishing you all the best, wisdom and strength to get you through and out the other side.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by lucozader

Today I feel sure that I am truly in love with my T. He is the most beautiful man alive. I want him more than I've ever wanted anything.

I will never have him. His wife gets to have him instead.

Some part of me still knows it's not true, it's not real. Some small part of me. It can't be, right? It's just me, just my stupid brain.

F**k. This hurts so much. I just want to talk to those of you who understand. It hurts, doesn't it? It really hurts.

Last week I hated him instead. Hating him was easier. But I missed loving him then.

This is so ridiculous. I feel like such an idiot.

It hurts like HELL. I've never experienced anything like it.

[UglyDucky]

Working through the erotic transference you feel, Luc (and others) is supposed to lead to greater understanding of yourself and a closer relationship w/your T. I'm in the same situation right now...don't want to go through this process bc even as much as it hurts to know I can't have my T, it's better than not having these feelings for T. I'm angry w/T now, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to resist working through these feelings. What a way to get well......it's painful.

[AlwaysBeenInvisible]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It is torture. And it's horrible and unfair and the last thing we need in our lives on top of everything else we are trying to work through. Mine has been going on a year and a half and every time I think I'm getting better, understanding why I feel this way and getting over it, something happens to make it start all up again. I'm not sure this is ever going to end. I have not seen him in 6 months and I still think about him every day and I miss him so much. It is torture. And unbelievable pain.

[nicoleflynn]

I have loved my t (discussed it with him)....for a long time; I don't see how one can "work through those feelings)....feelings are real...not right or wrong, they simply....are....and yes.....torture.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by lucozader

You would have liked him too today, DM. He told me about his dog.

I'd be in love for sure hahaha

[ramonajones]

Granted those who have read my story know I've had the WORST form of experience with this, so I know I am not impartial, but just knowing how brutal the longing is, I'm wondering if it might be best for you to break away from this therapist rather than trying to "work through" it. I don't know if I have seen that work out for anyone on this board so far. Has it? Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I spent 3.5 years with my life completely revolving around this man and counting the minutes until I saw him again. I had NO life. I missed out on so much. I am still missing him but waking up a little each day to how unhealthy he was for me. I'm not saying that your T is exploitative or abusive in the way that mine was, but I DO know the torture of dedicating time, energy, and money to a relationship with someone that you can't be with, and it is so brutal.

[*Laurie*]

That overpowering feeling of connection, all-consuming adoration, is the same feeling an infant has for it's parent. That's transference.

[fishwithoutabowl]

Originally Posted by ramonajones

Granted those who have read my story know I've had the WORST form of experience with this, so I know I am not impartial, but just knowing how brutal the longing is, I'm wondering if it might be best for you to break away from this therapist rather than trying to "work through" it. I don't know if I have seen that work out for anyone on this board so far. Has it? Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Ramona is so so right: I would just run, and instantly stop any contact with your therapist. You will go through hell for a while, but you will get through it and over it. I too have seen so many patients here stay in this situation of transference for (many) years without change. I myself have been in such a situation (well in fact I was in a romantic relationship with my doctor which was traumatizing in itself), and the transference never 'disappeared'. If anything it got more intense, and just like Ramona said: I lost years this way since it was all-consuming, both mentally as well as physically. I came out of it completely broken, and things will not be fixed anymore. I personally do not believe at all in 'working through transference'. I do believe that if you have a healthysocial life, with sufficient social support (which granted, many of us here may not have), hobbies/passions that are of interest to you you may be less vulnerable and less at risk to end up in a connection in which transference is present to such great extents. So I would not pain yourself for years to come, losing money (the therapeutic relationship may focus more on the relationship between you and the therapist in the end than on anything else), time on this, and I would run. I don't believe transference in the therapeutic relationship is something to work through with a happy ending, I believe that as long as you deal with a lot of insecurities, and/or a difficult situation 'at home', with a lack of social support, you are risk for transference to occur in painful ways within the therapeutic relationship - or outside.

[ramonajones]

Originally Posted by fishwithoutabowl

Ramona is so so right: I would just run, and instantly stop any contact with your therapist. You will go through hell for a while, but you will get through it and over it. I too have seen so many patients here stay in this situation of transference for (many) years without change. I myself have been in such a situation (well in fact I was in a romantic relationship with my doctor which was traumatizing in itself), and the transference never 'disappeared'. If anything it got more intense, and just like Ramona said: I lost years this way since it was all-consuming, both mentally as well as physically. I came out of it completely broken, and things will not be fixed anymore. I personally do not believe at all in 'working through transference'. I do believe that if you have a healthysocial life, with sufficient social support (which granted, many of us here may not have), hobbies/passions that are of interest to you you may be less vulnerable and less at risk to end up in a connection in which transference is present to such great extents. So I would not pain yourself for years to come, losing money (the therapeutic relationship may focus more on the relationship between you and the therapist in the end than on anything else), time on this, and I would run. I don't believe transference in the therapeutic relationship is something to work through with a happy ending, I believe that as long as you deal with a lot of insecurities, and/or a difficult situation 'at home', with a lack of social support, you are risk for transference to occur in painful ways within the therapeutic relationship - or outside.

I had an abusive, exploitative experience, I know, but I also really struggle now to think of how it could have worked out "well"--like how could it have? Has anyone on here worked through erotic transference in a way that empowered them?

Lucozader: you've said yourself "this is torture." Does your T know you're feeling tortured? What relief is he offering?

[unaluna]

I think if youre gonna be a t yourself, you should figure out how to work thru this. And yes it has been done. Just talk about it. There is pretty much nothing you do or say that is new under the sun.

Okay, if you have a bad or incompetent t, i agree, one should run. You sometimes feel like you cant. You are probably messing up in other parts of your life then - i was, big time. So yeah, its a tough decision.

But falling in love with your t - transference - is often an expected part of the process; i wouldnt quit just because of that.

[Elio]

[toomanycats]

I don't think you HAVE to run. I do actually know a fair number of people with intense transference who are successfully working with and through it. The key is that the therapist is skilled and maintains solid, healthy boundaries.

If you haven't read the blog "BoundaryNinjaTales," I highly suggest you do so.
Here's one of my favorite posts of hers:

https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/...-really-arent/

[fishwithoutabowl]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I don't think you HAVE to run. I do actually know a fair number of people with intense transference who are successfully working with and through it. The key is that the therapist is skilled and maintains solid, healthy boundaries.

If you haven't read the blog "BoundaryNinjaTales," I highly suggest you do so.
Here's one of my favorite posts of hers:

Well I'm sure they exist, but this forum seems to surely gather a lot of people dealing with painful attachment issues with their T, painful transference and a painful and problematic aftermath. Some are dealing with this aftermath for many years - I was one of them, and two times in my life, that's a lot of years! I found the only way out of it was to cut off all contact. Even if it seemed like the most frightening thing to do at the time. (I literally thought it would kill me, whereas in fact the situation of transference was almost killing me, as well as the consequences of not having stepped out of these connections much sooner). As long as I stayed in contact with these persons I had these strong transference issues with, that feeling of not being worthy, not being good enough, humiliation, isolation, intense mental and physical attraction and pain stayed. Not in the least since these relationships with authoritarian figures have such a problematic power 'balance'. So they will attract you if they see it fit for gaining your trust/for therapy purposes/or for whatever reason. However: they will push you away without any hesitation and without the slightest feeling of regret as soon when they feel their professional life may be at stake.Meanwhile you suffer and suffer, and as an already vulnerable/isolated person that blow is (very) hard once they distance themselves, while you are experiencing full transference.

In theory it sounds fantastic to work through transferene, and I'm sure there may be very few therapists who can do this in a therapeutic way. But how to find them? And imho: the chances are bigger that you have found a T who can't work through it well. There are so so many stories out there of patients that were either abandoned when their T's got scared after they told about their transference, or T first answered these feelings of attachment and transference with a certain proximity, to later get scared and become more distant (triggering major responses and depressive episodes in the patient), or the patient stayed for years in massive pain. Well to hell with it: scientific research points out that there is reason of course that the period in which the period we are very much in love with someone is only temporarily - you would not be able to focus properly on living life anymore if this infatuation lasts forever. And being in love with someone is by far not as all-consuming and painful as experiencing full-blown transference, imho. Since after all it is a situation in which you as a patient know very little about the T and thus idealize him/her to great extents, romanticizing the situation and T, and are in addition often in a very vulnerable state already when you walk into the therapy room, not to mention the power balance.
I would never take the risk anymore: never.

I do know that when I had a healthier social life, less significant difficult problems in my personal life, and lots of things that I enjoyed doing that was the only time I was able to walk out of situations that were triggering my attachment-/transference issues. Imagine the things you would like to do most: being healthy, traveling the world, having lots of friends everywhere and a passionate relationship - whatever it would be. Do you still believe you'd be stuck in this massive pain about transference with your T? I doubt it.

I just read a Pubmed-article about transference issues and how it triggered suicidal episodes. Even the smallest sense of rejection the patient experienced could be a trigger. I'm not sure if others recognize it when they experience strong transference, but I do. How therapy could deal with that properly with so much at stake and with such potential consequences as a result of relatively minor (not obvious) ''mistakes'' in the treatment? I don't have a clue.
I would not want to gamble with my longterm health anymore and try this out anymore. Also: be aware of course your records will be written full with your reactions to the transference since the T has to ensure that he can defend himself if things turn sour somewhere down the line (and when there is such transference they very well might turn sour), and the T will write whatever he can defend himself with properly if needed (or: he emphasizes his own professional response to your transference), even if he may not be dealing with the transference too well or if he may even promote attachment. This may affect your search for a new T. if and when things turn sour. It does happen.

[fishwithoutabowl]

I should have added of course, all depends on how strong that transference is. Not everyone experiences the same amount of transference obviously, and some persons have less issues with it (as they may have less attachment and related anxiety problems in general). In such a case scenario I can see how (if you're lucky enough to have found a T who can work with this well, and they seem to be very rare) you could 'work through it'. But if you experience it as torture, as the OP says she does, and as I have experienced it multiple times in my life too: run.

You are very likely just triggering episodes of feeling unworthy of your self, of love, insecurities and do I know with this relationship, and I don't believe at all that staying in this connection is going to improve that - on the contrary: as you will very likely face continuous feelings of rejection, isolation etcetera, within this connection.

[fishwithoutabowl]

I'm new here, on another note: so off topic, but is there any way for me to edit my posts? As English is not my native language I often see the massive amount of grammatical errors once it is too late, and/or like to be able to adjust what I wrote to better express what I meant to say. With such sensitive medical info people write on a board like this one I would have expected you can at least edit your post: is this not the case? Thanks!

Edit :-) : either I must have been blind since I now see an edit button or it was not there before, since I still had made too few posts I guess.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by fishwithoutabowl

I'm new here, on another note: so off topic, but is there any way for me to edit my posts? As English is not my native language I often see the massive amount of grammatical errors once it is too late, and/or like to be able to adjust what I wrote to better express what I meant to say. With such sensitive medical info people write on a board like this one I would have expected you can at least edit your post: is this not the case? Thanks!

Edit :-) : either I must have been blind since I now see an edit button or it was not there before, since I still had made too few posts I guess.

You can edit your own post for up to 4 hours after you initially post it. After that the edit button will disappear!

Also, i dont know what the British regulations are, but their ts seem to be the best at handling transference and other complicated issues, from what ive seen on pc. The English, anyway.

[fishwithoutabowl]

Originally Posted by unaluna

You can edit your own post for up to 4 hours after you initially post it. After that the edit button will disappear!

Also, i dont know what the British regulations are, but their ts seem to be the best at handling transference and other complicated issues, from what ive seen on pc. The English, anyway.

Thanks, that explains! Still a pity though since people are posting sensitive medical info here that you'd want to be able to remove if needed.

[DodgersMom]

i am not into transference in a big way. mostly just a wish we could be friends thing but i just read a lot here and i keep wondering, if therapy is even worth it. honestly is it really helpful to keep getting new T's and getting attached and repeating the cycle? i am one and done, when i am done with this T, no more.

if i am very attached at that point, so be it. it's kinda the hard part of people with issues and not being able to really handle this stuff well. i am already dreading the end and it could be years away, i just hate feeling close to anyone at all and then them leaving. I'm almost sure ill have trust issues again when i leave.

anyway, i am sorry to OP that you are still going through this, you have been there a long time, i personally would either quit or just power through, not switch. there is always a chance you will attach to them to.

best of luck to you

[toomanycats]

I don't feel like getting attached to one T means you'll get attached to all of them.

I was majorly attached to one of my Ts...but never to any of the others.

[DodgersMom]

yes but it also doesn't mean you wont. just like a game of risk. seems silly to me to keep trying... but thats me

[*Laurie*]

Many years ago I was in therapy (6 years) with a psychologist. We had an excellent professional relationship. I had an immensely strong transference with him, and did work through it. I was very fortunate, though- he was 100% appropriate and in no way ever unprofessional.

The work I did in that therapy still benefits me today, decades later.