I've given up hope

I've been married 29 years and have always lived with poverty. I am disabled with a B.A. in Social work,although I have never worked.My husband has his B.A. in the same with 35 yrs experience in mental health.But lack of a Masters degree has gotten him nowhere when higher paying jobs have come open and all we've ever done is scrape pennies.We've had cars reposessed, been evicted, filed bankruptcy,go without medical care because we have no insurance and live in bad housing,Until 3 months ago my husband was unemployed. Now he works once every 8-10 days. He can't get anymore hours.We did have a housing voucher and we just lost it because he found this part-time job. We also had food stamps cut in half.To say I'm depressed is an understatement.I've been crying everyday for two weeks.I believe I've come to realize that this is not just the short term financial crisis we're dealing with but the realization that that things are never going to get better. He is 59 and has never gotten his Masters, so I need to accept that he never will.He's always been a procrastinator and I've always paid for it.
I also have a pdoc who wants to give me meds I don't want and a therapist I havn't seen in 6 weeks. I can't get scheduled.Two months ago I went to the Crisis Stabilization Unit( I'm bi-polar)and they said I really need to see my therapist once a week. I just had a close friend die 2 weeks ago and I am trying to also get my alcoholic son to get some help and get a job as well. I've been out of church for 6 weeks because my husband does not like our church and I don't drive or have any way to get there. We've agreed to look for another church but not being there has been hard on me. For the first time ever I see no hope for things to get better. I'm stuck financially, in a home that is literally falling apart around me, and unable to get out. I pray a lot, but that's all that's keeping me going.

Does the church offer transportation for those who need it or is there anyone at the church that would pick you up? I know at our church there are those who don't drive and we make sure they get to church whether on the church van or by car if they are unable to get in the van. You can always call the pastor and talk with him Keep praying.

Since you're disabled, get the letter from your physician and sign up with the county transportation service. The rides are rarely more than $3 one way.

You do need therapy, and you do need fellowship. Begin visiting churches together--or not-- as soon as you can.

dear dogwood,
oh my dear, i am so sorry things are going so badly for you and your husband. please don't think i am being nosey, because this is just some thoughts based on my own experiences. i am bipolar too and after a long life of suffering, at age 49 was able to get on disability (SSDI). however, since you haven't worked i don't know how that would be of help, or maybe try medicaid?

i know about being poor, i wear it well, and am now 63. and lost dreams are sadly remembered as i look back on this life of disappointments. but there IS hope my dear. it is my own experience that things are always their darkest before the dawn breaks. i posted a poem in this forum called "Searching for My Higher Power". maybe it might help you to look for a source of hope and answers for these hard questions you are posing now about where to turn next.

also, this is a poem posted by another member here (SophieG if i remember correctly). i hope it may offer you some hope. take care, you are a loved child of "god" and a cherished human being.

[begin quote]

Don't quit when the tide is lowest,
For it's just about to turn;
Don't quit over doubts and questions,
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn;
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won.
Don't quit when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is amost nigh;
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Unilt you fail to try.
-Jill Wolf

[end quote]

sending you and your husband much love and prayers of hope (2 Corin. 4:8-10)

p.s.
i was born in maryville, tn, small world!

I shall pray.

Never, ever give up. Look into the possibilities of what is possible without having to rely on another person to do something. JD had some good ideas, but while you try to get the letter on your disability, call around to some of the other churches you might be interested in and talk to the pastors about your lack of transportation and need to be reconnected to a community. Sometimes churches have volunteers who will give rides and support. I will join TheByzantine in praying you see hope and possibilities.

Thank-you for your prayers. My church does not offer rides because they don't currently have a bus driver. My husband does not like the church and has not taken me in 2 months. God, How I miss it! I love the Lord and I need fellowship. Right now I feel like I'm dying inside tho because I have no fellowship and a broken marriage. He doesn't even understand that either. He just thinks I'm going thru another bad bi-polar episode.Please keep me in your prayour prayers. I need fellowship and I need friends right now. God bless you! LInda

My heart breaks for you.
You are mot definitely in my thoughts and prayers.
Do you a phone number for anyone in your church... the pastor even?
You could call them....... get support and fellowship that way.
If you don't know the church's telephone number,
I'm sure you could find it in your local phone book or even online.

Thanx for your prayers. I still am w/o a church bc my husband does not like the one we've been going to and I don't drive so I can go some place myself.Things are getting harder these days b/t me and my husband too bc I can't get him to understand that I have a broken heart and lack of love for him after 29 years. He thinks I'm just having another bi-polar episode.I can't get thru to him and bc I live only one SSI I have no money to go anywhere on my own or leave him. I'm stuck. So I've turned to Mike's Hard tonight. I hate it and I hate doing it, but I'm so scared of being in this space forever so I bought some and took some Darvocet. I'm a mess. I am NEVER LIKE THIS! I am normally a very Christ-centered Christian. I am scared. I wish I was at church right now where I could pray with someone. Please keep me in your prayers. Linda

Call a Prayer Counselor

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It's free.

Dogwood,

Will you call that prayer line like JD suggested and keep posting here tonight as you are able?

Dear dogwood,

Please have faith in yourself. Look within to where your very own personal strength is, it doesnt need replenishment by anyone or anything other than you. Envision the simple basic comforts are there for you and that no one can take them away. Maybe you could search for work in an online counselling room or try for a part time in a womens centre? It can be important sometimes to take the self out of the disability downside of thinking. I'm not saying you are thinking that way but we sometimes hate ourself and are down on ourselves for being unwell when we can't really do anything about it; I hope you aren't feeling that way.

Open your heart and mind to the benevolence of the universe and know that all of your days are fulfilled richly with the things you need. Try starting each day by saying "I am taken care of; I have everything I need and nothing I don't. All my requirements are taken care of daily". And watch as things start to come to you by what ever providential hand you recognise as your guide and support,

Thinking of you with care & concern

Hi. I'm newly back in this site, thank God.

In reply to your post, I couldn't say it better than dogwood did. Another thing you might like is to go to the local community centre for middle-senior aged people (like myself) where they have free activities to choose from, even it you're only gone a couple of hours. The sunshine is something your our body needs to feel stronger too. I push myself outside at least 15 minutes a day because my doc said that people need vitamin D etc. which is hard to get in the northern hemisphere from fall to spring.

I'm saying prayers and thinking of you and your family. Keep up the prayers! There are many people here who are praying too.

The more suggestions the posts have, the more solutions you can choose from to employ!
God bless you and keep you. May his light shine around you and comfort you.

peej

I hear the desperation in your words, and caution you to breathe and try to rest in the Lord...

The lady that was my mom's best friend goes to a church I don't, yet I still drive her to bible study a few times a month. When I don't, someone else does. Yes, the church has a van, but doesn't run it for her, yet there is always someone who is willing to take her. You might ask the church again, specifically.

Churches often have free counseling. If you and your husband can go, great, but if not, then YOU go. Share your concerns--especially spiritual ones--with the counselor/pastor.

You can catch worship services on television. You can watch them on the internet. I haven't had a church home for quite a while now yet I can still worship.

Try going over the 10 common cognitive distortions and what to do about them sticky post at the top of the psychotherapy forum. These are common thinking errors that can lead to feeling desperate and hopeless.

Surely you know that with God, there is hope always. Lean on Him, he knows right where you are hon.

It is such an assist to hear your posts ((All))...Thank you