[hurdy gurdy]

I'm new to this site but am desperate to reach out as my mind is going to some dark places. The past 3.5 years have been extremely hard for me and my family. We lost our brother unexpectedly... he was 41. About 8 months later my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine and endometrial cancer, which later traveled to her brain then back to her abdomenal area twice. She's been fighting it constantly since, chemo, gamma knife procedure, more chemo, radiation. My Mom is a tremendous fighter - I've never seen anyone stronger! As things progress, we are now out of options for treatment and it is just a matter of time. She suffers daily from a lot of pain and terrible problems from the colostomy she ended up with after the 4th round from the cancer. Currently she is only able to drink small sips of water and eat ice chips while they try a procedure to close a tear found in her colon on her last emergency visit to the hospital on 10/31. That was her 3rd visit to the ER that month with complications. She's back at home with my Dad but he's 75 and has his own issues - he can't hear has a bad back and shoulder with constant pain and in my opinion is experiencing demensia so it's hard for him to take care of her on his own. Thankfully my sister and I live within 5 minutes although I've taken on being primary caretaker as I have no kids. Between work, the time to help my parents and the money it takes to take care of my parents -oh and I'm recovering from a hysterectomy- to say the least I am a little overwhelmed! I have willingly committed myself to taking care of my parents to make their golden years as easy as I can because they are the BEST parents on earth. I will never complain about taking care of them. They sacrificed everything for us kids and now I will do the same for them happily. I just am having a terrible time dealing with watching them suffer and deteriorate. We are a very, very close family - you might say we're codependent on each other but in a good way.

I've increased my depression medication and it's been helping me get along.... until something happened monday night.
Monday night I discovered that my boyfriend of 2.5 years had cheated on or is cheating on me. (He says it only happened once) My boyfriend is someone I've known since and dated back in high school 20+ years ago. I felt very safe and secure with him and trusted him 100%! (which was hard to do as I got married in 2000 and found out 2 weeks later that my new husband was cheating on me. I hadn't dated since then) My boyfriend and I reconnected 2.5 years ago and things felt perfect, we just really clicked and we started dating again. In him I felt that I had both a best friend and a boyfriend who I was building a future with. I feel humiliated, used and a kind of offended at the timing he choose to do this. I told him from the start of my experience in my marriage and that trust, honesty and always being open about our feelings was very important to me in a relationship. I had even given him the opportunity to walk away from the relationship recently because of all my time spent taking care of my parents and that things were going to be tough, but I would understand - no hard feelings.

I'm feeling totally lost and alone. After talking last night and me crying most of the time, the guy hasn't even called today to see if I'm okay. I guess he wasn't even my friend.
Sorry my first post turned out to be a pretty negative post but I need to reach out to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk to.... although with most of this there's not much to say.

Please pray for my strength and guidance. I'm definitely feeling like a lost sheep losing faith and I don't like it.

[Open Eyes]

((((((hurdy gurdy)))))

I am sorry that you are addressing so much, ofcourse your heart strings are being pulled on in just too many directions. Your going to have to be very strong and it is understandable that you are frightened.

I think that you have to try to find a way to make a conscious decision to just allow yourself to ride this wave of life, there is nothing you can change, whatever comes will come and it is important that you do make that decision to accept.

I just got through a very long process and while addressing it my therapist told me to make every effort to do just what I am telling you here. It was hard and I was scared and I did feel very alone but I kept thinking about his words in the back of my mind.
I think that is what got me through my ordeal. It got me through it but I will admit that I still struggled, which is normal for anyone addressing something that involves another life.

I understand you love your parents, they were good to you and you are now making every effort to be good to them, that is so nice of you, they are so lucky to have you.
The table is going to truely turn now as you take on their care and comfort, being strong for them, letting them know you are with them and they are not alone. You are going to get the chance to show them all the personal strength they bestowed on you. You can use this thread to have a place to come to let out your emotions as I know that you wont want to show your parents your deep concern your going to have to be strong.

All you can do is your best to make them as comfortable as possible and help them accept whatever they may face, I am sure they are frightened too.

Now, as far as the boyfriend is concerned, well, you cannot control him either, either he is going to see his wrongs and make efforts to repair or he will take this time to release himself from the commitment. The best thing for you is to accept his decision as hard as that may be. Sadly we cannot make someone be honest, trustworthy or faithful, that is a quality that person must present on their own.

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself in all this. If you need to release, yes come here, we are here, listening, understanding and sending prayers and hugs to you. Whatever you need to say, we are here we will listen, and keep sending supportive hugs.

I shall say some prayer for you to recieve the strength and guidance you need in this very challenging time for you.

(((((( As many hugs as you need)))))

Open Eyes

[needfixing]

(((hugs)))
so sorry for your loss.
your ma is such a strong and brave person GOD BLESS her.
can you find a caregiver to help your ma with her needs just to ease the stress from you and your father?
go thru her insurance and see if thats available.
as for your bf, you don't need him, he doesn't emotionally support you, respect you, no communication, no encouragement, you have been going thru soo much and he basically emotionally left you.
you need positive people in your life to support you.
may you have the knowledge and wisdom to know what your next step is, the strength to get thru your struggles, healing for you, and may peace be with you, your mother, and father.
don't look at whats happening around you, focus ahead.

[Fuzzybear]

[jalura99]

Hi, I too am new to this board, but I had to reach out to you. I too went through this very dark night of the soul as my best friend and boyfriend for many years left after he cheated on me. This happened while my best friend was dying of breast cancer. Spiritually I don't know why these things happen as they do. During the time I would say that I would never make it through his loss and through my girlfriends death. However, both of them are gone and I am still here. He is engaged to the girl that he left me for and believe me I still miss and think of him. But you do move on - one day at a time. All I can say is to honor your grief. Honor your feelings. Don't deny them. It was great you reached out to this group.

[BlondeFairy]

Prayers being sent!!!

[starry-eyed]

Hi. I'm kind of new. I will pray for all of you and your petitions. Please pray for my brother who is in hospital, very ill with schizophrenia and is suicidal.

[Rose3]

Through all of this that you confront, please take good care of yourself.
Your strengths of loyalty, determination, and caring will help you through.

[summeryoga]

Hugs, prayers, more hugs, more prayers ...