[(JD)]

What's the use? Perhaps my life is over as we know it? I must not be human. I must not have worth to anyone. I'm just wasting air here on earth.

[Yoda]

(((((JD)))))

I don't know what is going on in your life now but indeed life changes in all our lives.

You have value to me. You have much wisdom that you share.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, JD that is definitely the PTSD talking. Now your better than that, you have worth to me and others have truely appreciated your wisdom and efforts. Fair warning I have a lot to say here.

If your here JD, than there is a reason and you know it within your own "FAITH" and I respect that about you. Are there going to be others that will make attempts to jepordize that, think. Think about all the messages that you probably know by heart.
I only know a few and often I find a lot of strength in just those few.

Oh JD, it is often so hard to stay focused in life. I had such a horrible weekend and a realization last night that came to me and I have been thinking about putting it here in a thread somewhere, but today I was so tired still from my long weekend as clear as I see it, I am physically tired out from sitting in the electric chair all weekend. I didn't know where to put it but I think here is good.

Think about a while back about a woman that lived in a neighborhood and noticed a lot of things, really noticed. This woman decided to write about all the things that she observed. And that book became a truth that was controversial, somethng no one else would dare to admit.

And this woman tried to have this book published and no one would have the courage to print it, too much controversy. But, eventually there was one place that would take that challenge. Well it came to print and that book was so controversial that it was banned, burned and outlawed and still people snuck out to buy it and read it.

I often talk about a small contribution and how that small contribution can fan out.
Often times people cannot really see that suggestion and can only think on a grand scale. But thankfully there are those that see the point of the message or even just simply make a small contribution that makes a real difference in someone else and that spreads to others.

And what was that book? "Paton Place". Now today many of the things in that book are common knowledge and that woman is a hero in many ways. That courageous woman that opened a door that no one else wanted to open and just look at how that fanned out and what we know today.

This forum is a very difficult forum and I hit some foul balls myself here and I really tried not to. But in the little foul ball I hit I unfortunately opened a door for many others to do the same. So I had to think about that and it wasn't really productive, not really, just made everyone hurt or uncomfortable.

And yet at the same time it offered me a way to look at things differently and try to understand the difficult situation that we all live in today. I even saw it in my deposition that I describe in my thread down there in the PTSD forum. I said one word in my deposition and I was trying so hard to just get through it without having a flashback and my own attorney went completely off topic as that term is used here.
And my depositon went to a place that had no use to anyone, not even my attorney.

I remember the time when all of a sudden I had to learn how to stop saying one thing and learn to say Happy Holidays. And my whole life I said that other thing and I never even gave it a thought, and all of a sudden I had to consciously stop and make sure I didn't say something I had been so used to saying without much thought.

I think about how mindful we have to be about others and how we have to be very careful about what we say now. But, at the same time, we are not mindful of others and do and say things that hurt others all the time. And the one thing I noticed is that people do not want to know or accept the truth either.

When I really trace my own personal struggle to one big root, I can see something that has been a constant challenge for as long as I can remember. And I also see that it is the root to all the triggers that rattle me to the depths of me.

All the truths I could not speak and how I suffered so because of it. I think about the boy that date raped me and how I got pregnant and I could not reveal the truth because somehow I knew that I would not be believed or that it would have perhaps hurt my dad and his relationship with that rich client who was the father of the guy.
And how quickly I was pushed to a place that was to erase what occured because of that event. And somehow I knew that that boy could present his lie as a truth and how it could blow up in not only my face but my dads face. So, I just kept quiet and was to blame.

And I think about my husband and how he had his truth that was a lie and how I suffered through that for many years and how hard it was for the real truth to be presented and not all of it at once, oh how I suffered from that. And then there is that moment when I was going to finally hear another truth about him cheating with two other women and how that guilt was taken out on me for so many years. So many times the truth of me was so threatening to him.

And then even though I tried to repair that, I tried so hard to forgive and I can remember it was our aniversary and making love was such an effort for me, but he was sober. And then we went out to dinner and I will never forget how he wore those shaded sunglasses that hid his eyes, or so he thought. I saw him staring at something during our dinner out and it was distracting him and I was curious so I dropped a napkin and looked behind and saw that he was staring at a woman that could have been a twin sister to one that he had cheated on me with. And I sat up and asked him what he was looking at and he said, "What are you talking about, I am not looking at anything". And he pushed his glasses up on his nose and I could see he kept staring. JD, he was sober and I can't even describe how violated I felt.

I have not been able to make love with him since. And this root is so powerful that I am afraid to bring up this occurance because I don't want to hear him say that I was imagining something that never happened. Because that would cause me so much pain, and yet it is always there.

And when I faced this weekend it was really hard because I knew that many of the people next door with that loud band had done the same thing. And I could describe each occurance but that would make my post too long. And each time my truth was something not wanted at all.

And then Sunday came and I woke up very early because I had not really slept and I looked outside and saw that loose pony and I knew that I made sure that everyone was secure and the gates were all chained. (no pony can unchain these gates).
And I could feel a memory of a pain that I was deeply intimate with begin to come into my body. And when my husband got up and I told him he responded to that like he had done many other times, it was my imagination.

And then my attorney called just as I was trying very hard to collect myself to work that day and he talked about a depositon that he never informed me of, even after I sat and told him face to face and on the phone that it was really important I be given plenty of notice. And there was absoultely no hint of his error stated. And even Monday morning my attorney called again and asked if I could attend a deposition if he could manage to schedule one next week and I said yes as long as he gives me notice and I could not even get to discuss what he had done and he quickly did not give any more way to disscusion and hung up. He wanted his lie so bad that anything I felt was inconsequencial to him.

And I would like to boach on the subject of how I cannot get intimate with my husband but at the same time I am not ready to hear that what I experienced did not take place and it was my imagination.

I am a person who believes in the truth and I have recognized that other people don't want to face the truth and the constant response I get is that I am the one that is in the wrong somehow. And that has been going on my whole life, ever since I can remember.

So, every word you have spoken here is a constant deep feeling that I have to fight every single day. And I am living a maze of so many lies that others so need to protect everywhere I look.

We may not be able to utter certain words here to each other, and I can understand that, I truely can now. But what I can say to you is everyday I am there too and I am really trying and all I know is that in the beginning you made that possible for me and that is really what is important in todays world. Because it isn't about certain words, it is the truth that matters and the reaching out and I hear you that mean more than the words that might get in the way of the real need. It really isn't about the words, it is about how we practice what they mean. There are those that go to places and have certain names and faiths, but they don't really practice those words or that "FAITH". Actions speak louder than any words.

Open Eyes

[nothemama8]

Without your kind wisdom, we would have given up along time ago, you help so many here, it just looks and feels like worthlessness, those feelings will pass. Your words have given us peace and we handled a chore today that was almost to much but because you are here for us we did it....

[AvidReader]

(((((((((((((((JD)))))))))))))))

You have worth to me. You are a wonderful person; I can tell that from reading your posts since I have joined the forum.

Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon.

[Open Eyes]

I am thinking of you today JD even though I had a tough day myself. All I could do was pound away on my computer in a thread I thought I would never start.

And I really didn't expect any answers. But I got some really nice answers JD and one of those answers came from Rose and she talked about PTSD and how people who have it have a deep sense for justice and the truth. Have you ever thought of that? I know I have always been very deep when it comes to the truth even in a spiritual way. But I never really connected that to the PTSD. And now I realize why that would be. And I want you to be reminded that had you not helped me when I came to you I may not have kept trying with PC. And that would have meant that I would not have ever had that to ponder.

And I am here and I do try to answer those helps here too, and I really know that question and what it means to have an answer, even just a hug.

So the next time you think you are wasting air, think about that.

Personally I think that your pretty amazing. I was wondering how you manage with having a short term memory issue from your accident as well as PTSD. And I know it cant be easy for you, but you do manage to send some kind thoughts and good answers.

None of us here are answer specialists, not all our posts are going to send the perfect messages. And not everyone connects here perfectly, but we are all trying and you try too and we all have a right to do that as long as we can. And if your not human, then neither am I so you have company and you are appreciated.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

JD, Grab a couple cups of tea and read, pretend we are having an herbal tea party that helps stress. You got me to thinking about some things that I saw in my past and how I am as a person and how my dad influenced that in a very positive way.

I had mentioned in here that my dad used to teach about FAITH stories from a book every Sunday and he donated his time to that. And the kids really loved him and he really always wanted to take these words and put them into actions and teaching was one of the actions. And no one ever thanked him and the next year they put someone in his spot and that whole facility was kind of political. And I know my dad was really hurt and we didn't go there any more. But it didn't stop my dad from having FAITH and putting it in our home and sharing it with others.

And somehow I always felt out of place whenever I was in certain buildings that had certain groups that got together and talked about FAITH. And I had a feeling like I was cheating somehow, and I was very quiet and felt like I wasn't suppose to be there. But I did like the pretty places and the friendly people and I always loved the songs and the organs and sometimes there were guitars. And it was very confusing for me because I knew that you could be a person with a lot of FAITH and yet in our family it felt like we were outcasts. At least in my mind and how I understood it because my dad really didn't explain it other than that he didn't agree with the politics taking place.

And when I look at my dads life, he never stopped praying, three times a day. And he was quiet, but a very deep soulful man. And I did see him put his faith into practice many times and he wasn't always rewarded.He started a boys camp because he had a very wealthy client that needed to have a tax break. And my dad talked this man into buying some land and there was a small lake and it would make a great boy scout camp. And my dad took the time to set everything up so this could happen. And it did happen and it grew and years past and they decided to honor those that made it possible for this boy scout camp and now big facility to happen.

And so my dad went to the celebration and saw the area of the thank you's and the plaques talking about all the people that were responsible for this to all be there. And there was no plaque or mention or even picture of my dad with the boys in those beginning years where he again donated his time. And JD, I felt awful for my dad. And I know why he wanted that camp because when he was a little boy he really needed something like that and he wanted something like that to exist for boys like himself when he was little. And I knew that place would have never existed had my dad not convinced this wealthy man to invest his money in this venture. But there was a big plaque that bore the name of this wealthy man that had since passed away. And I know my dad spent a lot of his own time working at convincing this man to invest in this YMCA and boyscout facility. None of that place would have ever existed had it not been for my dad and all his efforts, how could that be that his name was not there?

However, my dad still prayed and was not bitter and he still practiced his FAITH in an active way. And the years passed an many of his clients were able to retire because he was so honest and carefully invested their money as if it was his own and he could have taken some risks and made more money, but he really respected these hard working people and their desire to have enough to retire. And then as time passed my dad went to funerals and met with many wives and consoled them and helped them manage their funds at no charge. And now my dad is going be 86 and he has outlived most of his clients and consoled many.

And as I have mentioned somewhere in another thread, my dad even took care of an elderly neighbor and that was a long hard experience for my dad.
And no distant relative would come and help and my dad stuck it out and I know that it took a lot out of him and made it difficult for him to run his business. And when that man was dieing, no one came, just my father and that man was very frightened an my father spent a lot of time helping him understand how to accept the end of life. And that man told my father to go into his safe and take the money out of that safe and keep it. And my father went to the safe and took the money to three different banks because there was a lot of money and put it in this mans name. And the man got mad and my father told him that he wanted to make sure that this man had plenty of money in case he needed special care. But there really was no special care left for this man, but my dad wanted him to feel safe in every way he could. And my dad went above and beyond for that man who really never had any friends and was a very lonely man. And my dad never accepted money from him and he made it possible for that man to get healthy enough many times so he could tend his garden and ride his tractor. But there would then be that call as the man went out of remission and my father would begin again and give up a lot of time to get that man back on his tractor.

And after the man passed he had left his money to my dad, and my dad never knew it. And those distant relatives finally presented themselves and accused my father of caring for that man to get to his money and the news papers saw that in the legal system and they put my father's name in those papers and they were not kind at all. (Big reason why I don't believe the news people) And once again I saw my dad take that too and those people got the money and my dad still kept FAITH. And my dad just quietly said no matter that man had some good years and that is all I wanted.

And then there was a bad accident where a car with young teenage boy ended up smashed on my dads property. That young teen died. And one day that young teens father appeared and was just aimlessly walking around. My dad didn't know who he was so he appoached him and the man was crying and told my dad who he was. And my dad went into the house and made some coffee and had the man join him in his office where they would be alone and they stayed out there for a couple of hours and late into the night. And then the man came out of the door and thanked my father and told him how much he had helped him, so very much. And he asked my father if he could bring his wife back to speak to him too because he helped so very much with all the grief that man was trying to deal with.

Knowing my dad he probably talked to the man about a lot of different books and FAITHS and stories of how to accept death. And my dad to this day was always such an avid reader and seeker of knowledge. And I am sure that whatever FAITH that man has was truely inriched on that day.

And the one thing I truely learned from my dad is that it really doesn't matter what names are given to different ways of having FAITH and even Prayers. And not everyone is going to appreciate it when some is good and has and practices FAITH and PRAYER. There has to be a certain acceptance that rises above in someone that has TRUE FAITH and ACTUALLY PRACTICES IT.

And if you are a person that has a lot of FAITH and PRACTICES WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS WITH OTHERS, "YOU ARE VERY HUMAN, AND DESERVE EVERY SINGLE BREATH YOU TAKE IN"

Open Eyes

[advena]

JD, I am pretty new here, but I have always enjoyed your posts and I am glad you are part of PC. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I will pray for you, if that's ok.

[(JD)]

Thank you all for your prayers... they have helped me to distance myself from the offense.

[Sanada]

((JD)).

You are a very good asset and are super cool for psych central (when I say asset I mean emotional asset, support). You were feeling low and the posts (above), brought you back up.

I feel like an emotional yo-yo most of the time (ok all of the time). The darkness that comes over me is like a shroud. Light helps though. Light in words of wisdom I/we get here at PC.

The night is always chased by the sun and visa-versa.
Light up the darkness.

Take Good Care ((JD)).

[Open Eyes]

Sometimes when we lose our way we have to have faith and let others help us find the light again. With PTSD and being hurt by others in our lives, we can very quickly lose faith in ourselves. It can be hard and we can often feel like all people are going to hurt us in some way, it sure can seem like that.

Each time we have to face something bad with PTSD it doesn't take much to feel lost, so it is important to remember the contributions we make and those that have truely benefited from our efforts and understand how we struggle. And it is also a reminder that even if we may not be perfect all that is important is that sometimes we are very important and meaningful to others and that is perfect enough.

You have to keep in mind that whatever you CAN offer may be something that another person truely needs and it isn't just the number of people, it is the few that find their way, someone who saw your little words of light and how much that little light made such a big difference.

You have had many wise words JD, and everytime I struggle in PC, I may even bump into some negetivity, I always remember what you say, some are in 8th grade, some are only in 3rd grade, no matter, it is still all about trying and working at healing one day at a time.

Sanada is right, you are an asset for support, emotional support that can make a big difference in someone elses day or path to healing.

Open Eyes

[tohelpafriend]

Open Eyes,
What a beautiful story about your Dad's life. NO matter what acclaim or criticism, he did unselfish acts and they were noticed by you, his child. I wish I could be more like that, caring for others and get beyond myself. Thanks for the beautiful post. His was a living faith. It made me realize that could be the source of my wall, stuck without charity toward others anymore. It must be selfishness.

[Open Eyes]

(((((tohelpafriend)))))

I don't think it is really selfishness to be honest. It can be so hard to be a good person and it isn't aways rewarded so it can be really hard. I have to say that when I think about my dad, and I saw how others believed the worst in him, it really set me back. It really hurt to see that happen to him the way it did. And even though he was so strong so many times, I know that it hurt him too. And in the case of the old man, it was never really about the money, it was more about that man's true wishes and how he really wanted to return the favor to my dad and give my dad that monetary gift so if he ever needed medical help or had a need, he would have the means to pay for it somehow. Because the reality is that it really cost my dad to take all the time needed to help that man, where he could have been working and saving for his own retirement.

I honestly can't blame anyone for being hesitant about reaching out because it can truely be a way of putting one's self out there to be a victim and be abused and hurt in some way. And I honestly can see how I am in the same predicament and, I have to be honest, I am afraid of ending up the loser too. And it is so hard to wrap my brain around first seeing it and then being in such a similar situation myself. And I truely never saw it coming, it just came in the night, while I was sleeping, and it just took so much that I just can't wrap my brain around it. And to be in a situation where my attorney is truely losing it and being protected too, I just can't believe it.
I want so badly to have it be my own imagination, I truely do, but I do see the writing on the wall and I am really frightened.

I am not so sure that you are exhibiting selfishness. You may just be really trying to protect yourself. And it is truely a fine line.

Open Eyes

[Ares]

((((( JD )))))

[jazper]

JD I would not be here if you did not respond and give me your lovely kind support.
YOU MATTER TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!
and always will.
(((((((((((JD))))))))))))
xxxxxxx

[(JD)]

WOW thanks. I was just coming back here to revive the thread... and you already had, with encouragement.

Can't talk about it, as SOMEONE will pick me apart and read into things... there's just no "place" to go and try to work through things using WORDS! No place.

[Open Eyes]

Yes there is JD, it really isnt about the words it is about the message. If anything this forum has taught me that.

Open Eyes

[(JD)]

Thanks. I just wish there was a site on the whole internet some place where I could feel like I could post and not be inundated with mean-spirited, non understanding replies (even if there were supportive ones intermingled.) However, even the supportive posts seem to have to be couched in metaphors and euphemisms. Not just here, btw.

Feeling really alone... gasp now my enemies can use that against me.

[Open Eyes]

((((JD)))
I think your talking about another world that doesn't include human beings.
Sorry, but I don't really think ever in history of the human being has that really been available.

Hugs,
Open Eyes

[(JD)]

There is no place for me. I fit in nowhere. I'm spent. All the sites I go to I give give give. I'm too high maintenance. I fully appreciate those members here who do their best to support me. Alas, those that attack me are far stronger. I can ask no more from suffering people I was supposed to help on earth. I suffer too much and I am really tired of it. I need rest.

[phoenix7]

(((((((JD))))))))))))

no air is wasted when it is given to one so kind and caring as you

I hope you feel more hopeful soon - sending love and light your way

[Open Eyes]

((((JD)))))

Before I came here the only other thing I did do was voice my opinion to certain articles that are presented on my home page to my computer. And it didn't take long to see how many people can be so incredibly cruel about certain issues that really did not warrant the cruel remarks.

So given that, I realized that the reality is that some people are just really not nice people for whatever unknown reason.

People who have PTSD have to be careful because we can take it personally and we can be triggered and quickly snap depending on how difficult we struggle.

How I use the internet, and basically PC because I don't wander around. I use it as a way to understand my triggers and try to work through them. It is so easy to fall into a bad place psychologically when someone struggles with PTSD. And outside PC, it has been really hard on me and I am really struggling at times. I have way too much on my plate and with my condition, I really should not be in the situation I am in.

When you post about feeling like your not good enough or useful anymore that is the PTSD talking. I have been trying very hard outside PC to fight that feeling because I am really struggling trying to care for these animals, trying to somehow run my business, which I am really struggling with, just cant seem to keep on top of because I am constantly battling this Lawsuit and damage and an aging attorney and I am at my witts end. And its so hard and I know you have experience with that too.

FALLING, that is scarey because it is hard to control and is extremely exhausting.
I have to say that I fell really bad on Sunday and I didn't know what to do. I came here and didn't really quite know how to ask for help. It seems like all I have been doing is falling and getting up and falling and getting up and this Sunday I couldn't get up and I was really afraid.

I got into a debate in the Current events as I was also falling this morning and trying to stop it. And my husband was asking questions and customers were calling and I was trying so hard. And that one debate brought me out of it, and I could see how it was working and dam my husband wouldn't leave me alone, ugh, he kept pushing and talking and I just kept typing and trying to say go away, cause your going to push me and I am hanging in here trying not to fall.

Now you would think by that thread that I was upset, but I wasn't, I was engaged and I really needed that because it was keeping me from falling because it was letting my brain get away from dealing with things I couldn't deal with outside PC that my husband kept pushing in my face.

And it is so hard to explain to other people how this happens and how I need them to leave me alone so I can do whatever I need to do to get my brain saying, ok, I can do this, which was what I was doing in that thread. It is almost like the brain just slips gears all of a sudden and I have to quickly try to put the clutch in before it slips into that bad gear. Because my brain really doesn't want to go and continue this draining process I am in.

And for me the Reality is that my brain has been struggling with what I am dealing with outside PC for too long. And as much as I want to get things done my brain just wont go there anymore. When I touch those files and am asked to remember and I know that I will be watched, the truth is, my brain just doesn't want to go there. And I am trying my hardest to get my brain to just hang on and my OWN brain is fighting me. I am afraid because I really don't know what my brain will do or how it will react to questions where I have to recall things that my brain does not want to recall anymore. Because my brain cant see the pictures anymore, because I am asked to remember I flashback and it isn't pretty and it is very emotional and I never got to put it to rest in these past four years.

But you know, and I know and others know, the system that I am in DOES NOT CARE! And JD, people do not understand that nor do they care to understand that.
Does that sound familiar, because you told me that along time ago.

And when you get on the net, your just a name among many and the same rings true there as well, people don't know your struggle and many people don't care to know.

But, there are some voices and names that DO KNOW AND CARE JD. And those are the ones that you have to remember, those are good ones among the many others that can be cold hearted and come at you and not say nice things.

And that is when you have to utalize the psychologist side of you, because that part of you knows better. And you have to work around that shift that is hard to keep from down shifting and grinding the gears of your brain. And you have to learn how to find ways to quickly put in the clutch to change gear before you slip. AND ITS HARD BECAUSE THAT CLUTCH IS TRICKY AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS CATCH.

Brains that do not struggle with PTSD have very good clutches that they can shift easily and so they cannot understand how your clutch is badly worn and you can't shift the way you used to. And it doesn't mean your worthless, it doesn't mean your stupid, and it doesn't mean you have no purpose. But it does make it very hard at times and its very frustrating when that clutch wont catch and your coasting down a hill. But, your not alone JD, I hear you, I have a bad clutch too and sometimes it just doesn't catch. But it doesn't mean I am stupid, but it does make it very challenging for me at times.

PC has been the only thing right now where I can try to practice using my worn out clutch and fiddle with it a bit. But I have to be honest, when I go to that deposition I don't know if that clutch will work at all. And I am afraid. But I am here and trying to figure it out and trying to remember that I am still worth it too. Because somedays I feel just like you, so your not alone, I am scared too, I hope that clutch will work for me when I need it, but I don't know if it will, because sometimes it just doesn't.

Ok, so you tell me, if I get to that place in that room and my clutch wont work, does that mean I am unworthy of the air I breath? Because I know that feeling JD, I do.
Can you reach down somewhere and give ME and answer? Right now the only way I can prepare is to not prepare because my brain will not look at the file, it just dives.
I don't know, should I waste any more oxygen? Can you take in some oxygen to tell me something I can do? Because thats really why your important, I am sure you will come up with something.

Open Eyes

[(JD)]

Brains that do not struggle with PTSD have very good clutches that they can shift easily and so they cannot understand how your clutch is badly worn and you can't shift the way you used to. And it doesn't mean your worthless, it doesn't mean your stupid, and it doesn't mean you have no purpose. But it does make it very hard at times and its very frustrating when that clutch wont catch and your coasting down a hill. But, your not alone JD, I hear you, I have a bad clutch too and sometimes it just doesn't catch. But it doesn't mean I am stupid, but it does make it very challenging for me at times.

PC has been the only thing right now where I can try to practice using my worn out clutch and fiddle with it a bit. But I have to be honest, when I go to that deposition I don't know if that clutch will work at all. And I am afraid. But I am here and trying to figure it out and trying to remember that I am still worth it too. Because somedays I feel just like you, so your not alone, I am scared too, I hope that clutch will work for me when I need it, but I don't know if it will, because sometimes it just doesn't.

Ok, so you tell me, if I get to that place in that room and my clutch wont work, does that mean I am unworthy of the air I breath? Because I know that feeling JD, I do.
Can you reach down somewhere and give ME an answer?

Excellent analogy. I almost felt like Job, with your diatribe and question (and I mean that in a good way) except of course, Job was as perfect as someone could be (with God)...and I am not.

My pain and stress management psychologist told me recently he's never seen anyone who hates herself as much as I.

I have no reason for such sentiment. I'm not perfect, but just genuinely feel I am worthless except for sound bites in life for others. I meander aimlessly in life, looking for some way to participate and it hasn't worked out since the accident. That's a really long time to "keep trying"... 25 years. I'm spent.

[Open Eyes]

That's a really long time to "keep trying"... 25 years. I'm spent.

Ok, that is a long time of struggling JD. But if I look back at my own life, I have been doing that for as long as I can remember. And I didn't even realize it until the final straw broke me. I was sent on a Journey to look back at a little girl, teenager, and woman that has done nothing but struggle and stuff so many fears and tramas that she thought she somehow coped. But I didn't cope, every single time I just stuffed and I honestly feel like I failed somehow, fail all my life.

Meandering Aimless in life, well, I thought I was surviving life, and I didn't like all the things that came into my path, things that really hurt and frightened me. And right now I have been stuck in such a bad situation where anything I did do, was just taken away and I just couldn't wrap my brain around that, I didn't even get a chance to even really morn it. I was just caught up in a trap, am still trapped and I feel spent too.

Sitting here with this Complex PTSD or whatever they call it. I am now seeing things I never realized and what all the hard work and struggling did to my brain. And never in all that time was my condition respected or really understood, and even now I am still misunderstood. Yes I now have a very bad clutch, I am very aware of that and I can honestly say, it feels like it is getting worse, because I am still trapped and AS LOUD AS I CRY, no one hears my grinding gears and really understands how much I really struggle.

As I look back, my whole life has been waiting for things to be over, for me to catch a break somehow, but it really never got there. And I see how I tried so hard JD, and how strong I was so many times. And I have to be honest, why cant I seem to tap onto that strong part of me that had the energy and the will to keep trying?

I have a daughter that I can't even call because I don't know what to say to her. Shes not going to understand what my life was all about, because I made sure I was there every step of the way to keep life from damaging her in any way. Every single time I saw the traps, I changed her direction and taught her how, yes she could just have the strength to say, those people are not healthy for me, so I will go here and be with more productive better people and then when those people were creepy and they really were, surprised me to no end, I found another place that she could walk to and do her life and be healthy. And so she has a lot of experience understanding how to be strong and be her and not allow herself to be trapped by others and she is much stronger than I have been or every will be, because she never got damaged by a trap she couldn't see.

So, shes not going to understand me, she cant see my grinding clutch, because I was constantly wearing my gears so that she didn't have to.
So she is never going to understand what I am now, how it is for me and somehow I don't want to let her see it either. And my husband is the same way, all he saw was that I shifted and changed gears while he dealt with his issues and his guilt and struggled to get better. They cannot understand that all that time, even before that time, 31 years of marriage, 27 years of raising a child in a situation where I really never felt safe, really damaged my clutch.

Spent? Oh boy do I feel that, I really do. And every morning I wake up feeling spent and lost and lost and I can't find peace and I feel guilty about how I can't seem to be that person who had that stronger clutch.
And I get up and make some coffee and sit here at PC and try to work on that clutch somehow. And even here I get triggered and struggle sometimes and even here I am misunderstood and challenged. But at least here I come across others, like you that can relate and then I don't feel so alone with my very badly worn clutch.

And sometimes, I am able to help someone see how to believe in themselves, because that is one thing I did do for many in my life.
And remember what I told you about how you helped me when I first came here? JD, I was so lost when I came here, so frightened. And if you had not helped me and welcomed me and guided me to stay, I don't know if I would be functioning right now, honest to God, I don't see how I could have managed to hang in, especailly because I am still trapped in a bad situation that is taking such a toll on me. Spent? I feel like that every day, every day I feel like I am wandering in some kind of trap where no one understands," I JUST CANT KEPT DOING THIS ANYMORE."my brain keeps saying. And I am trying so hard to say that to everyone and yet I am ashamed about that too. And then I have to remember that is what I have, this PTSD condition that tells me that my brain is struggling and very tired and it needs rest, a rest that no one else can truely understand.

I honestly don't care about all the other crappy people that pick on you, but it does anger me, because as far as I am concerned your struggle has not been futile, because you helped me so much. Are you worthless JD?
Not to me your not, because you were there to help me. And whatever you have left was enough to save me. And that is important for you to understand. It is important for you to understand that your own FAITH has provided a person who can have the capacity to reach out and make a difference in the life of another person that dangles on a dangerous line that no one around her, including her can understand.

You cannot focus on what you can't do JD, and for you that is hard because you were at one time a very strong functioning person and you only have part of that left and you often morn that and feel so crippled and lost and useless. But you not as useless as you think, because that would mean I was never worth your effort. And I hope that isn't true.
I know how you feel, I honestly feel it too. But I am trying very hard JD to hang in there and I too reach out because I know how very important it is to do that, because it meant so much to me.

And right now? That is what we have left, and it is not about the people who don't understand us and even hurt us, it is about being there for each other to help each other find strength in what we can do, what we have left to offer, even if it is not perfect.

I know that it is not real people sitting across from you like you once had.
But I can tell you that it IS real people that come and go here and even other places that need you and me and others like us to help them find a way to hang on, and even forgive and love themselves.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Another thing to think about JD, is, I know that you feel like its hard because now there has to be some kind of code and you don't like the fact that you can't talk about the stories and FAITH that you have taken the time to know so much about.

But, stop and really think about that. Throughout history there were many people who reached out and tried to teach others how to live and respect other humans and what life is all about. And all throughout history, many of those people met with others that would not listen and made it very hard for them to give whatever message they wanted to give to others. And none of these people really had any riches, or power and wealth or social standing. And many of them didn't have a prestigeous dwelling or castle or anything really materialistic, did they? And many of them really suffered along their path as well didn't they? And somehow no matter how hard it was throughout history, they just kept appearing and every one of them kept reaching out. And every single one of them faced people who picked on them and made their message so very hard to give, and yet they still did it and those messages are still here today, and there are still people that present themselves and reach out and still meet with negetive messages in their paths, but they still keep going.

And the real truth is that we don't have to talk about these people. All we have to do is remember their messages and send our own messages that are pretty much the same. Code? well that is nothing new but it didn't stop them, so why should it stop you? No one can code true respect and guidance and will for reaching out to other human beings and helping them. And every human being, almost every one, enjoys one thing, will listen to one thing, LOVE and BEING LOVED. It is said that most people love to have their ego's messaged and that is the way we are all programed.
So that means that everyone can receive and even be receptive to good messages.

And I don't care how many PHD's someone has or how STRONG THEIR PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE IN A CERTAIN FAITH IS, the bottom line is the passing of a constant message that tells each person BELIEVE that they are special, have purpose and need to live out their lives doing their best to use whatever gifts they have been given to add to the lives and surroundings they are existing in.

It is not about hiding or not having permission to present certain names or books or specific knowledge that can be owned or structured by any group, it is way more basic than that, AND THAT IS THE REAL MESSAGE, of having FAITH, and being SPIRITUAL, AND FINDING SANTUARY IN JUST THAT.

And that is why it is not a thing, a person, or a place and it cant be really seen.
And the only thing it ever was, was ever really meant to be, was a MESSAGE.

People have come here in this forum and they look at the guidelines and they are totally confused. And there was even a big debate about it, and that debate did nothing, said nothing about THE MESSAGES that don't really need ANY of those words that are not allowed in this forum. Is that a bad thing? Really think about that. Because if all those words up there that cannot be used in this forum were used only to create some kind of battle ground, THERE IS NO WAY ANY GOOD MESSAGE IS GOING TO GET THROUGH. So, if we take away that, if we follow the guidelines what will be left? THE MESSAGES THAT CAN BE SO NEEDED WITHOUT THE BATTLES THAT DO NOTHING FOR ANYONE.

Now I know that you have very strong FAITH JD, and there is a lot of history and people behind your personal FAITH. But in respect for those people with all their stories and struggles with what little they had, what did they really want? It was not anything anyone could touch, it was always somewhat intangable. And that is because what they really wanted was the MESSAGE.

The problem with this forum, is that it presents wordage that has a meaning to different people. And when these different people come here and they see all the rules of what not to say they are very confused. And the only gripe I have about this forum is there is no real instruction on how to really use this forum so when it is used there is a sense of a question, am I crossing a line? And am I implying anything bad? Am I going to say or do something wrong here? Does this mean we cannot be a person of FAITH here? And am I really so psychologically incompetant that I don't see something? Outside PC it is so confusing and we can't do certain things anymore and I find it troubling, does this mean we cannot have FAITH anymore? OR, I am so hurt and facing scary things and I feel empty and I thought it was ok to come here, but I feel strange and lost here, can I not get the comfort I need? And I don't know how to do this without my personal imprint of what it means to me to get spiritual support. And I even worry about a person that is walking a dangerous line where they are really questioning their lives and they come here in a hope to grab on and only see confusion. Thats what I worry about to be honest.

And that is what we all have to watch out for, the confusion when a person is already confused and may even be in danger. There should actually be some kind guard here that can quickly come forward and push away all the questions and CODE. And bring the only thing that it the most important thing beyond all the guidelines, THE MESSAGE that can be used for everyone.

Open Eyes