[mssumom]

I must admit that I'm struggling in my faith right now. Many of you know some of my story, nearly zero family support even though they are all professing Christians and my dad is a deacon, part-time Pastor and it isn't so much him as my mom for reasons I'm finding hard to share again but with my grandma sick and my mom preferring me not be there I have only seen her a couple of times since she got sick on the 10th. Part of that was my own selfishness of checking into the hospital last friday and not being released until a few days ago. I was desperate for sleep and for help with my meds that all these different doctors have me on for the IC, my stomach and heart.
My prayer while I was in the hospital was that my grandma would still be alive when I got out and that I would be able to talk to her and let her know I was there and loved her. She was still alive but unresponsive and my mom told me there was no way she would know that I had even been there or talked to her but I can't help but hope that maybe......
The guilt of course of being so selfish and going into the hospital when I shouldn't have been away is awful and my faith is very low right now.
My first day back at work on thursday came with an announcement that our company had been sold and it is tax time again and so I'm now working until 9-10pm every night after I get off my day job to try and keep the utilities on and bills paid but not doing a very good job of it but they can't shut my gas off because of the cold weather rule and here in Kansas it has been very cold and lots of ice last weeked and the snow is supposed to start at noon today and get 4-5"+.
Anyway there is so much going on and while I've been praying and seeking God's guidance, my faith seems to be faltering.
I'm sorry this is so long and rambling but I just needed to get some of what has been balled up inside of me for the week I've been away from here........Please pray for me if you think about it.

It is good to be back here at PC, I've missed it alot.


Lori

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Hon, please! The first thing you have to do is shed that guilt! Remember what Jesus said. We need to love our neighbor as we love ourselves! You weren't being selfish in the least! You needed to take care of YOU!

Wish I could hold you and repeat those words over and over until they got through to you. It is not noble or "Christian" to forget about our own needs. Jesus spent much time in prayer taking care of HIS needs. He stopped at friends' homes to eat and rest; again taking care of HIS needs.

I'm sorry that your mom won't allow you to see your grandmother. Do you need her permission to visit? I honestly believe that your grandmother will know you've been there.

"We walk by faith" by putting one foot in front of the other, knowing, even if it doesn't feel like it, that Jesus is walking beside us.



I'm here for you, Lori!

[jennie]

i hope you let go of the guilt that you do not deserve.

depression is an overwhelming feeling of isolation, hopelessness, and fatigue.

you do need your rest! but you also need support from others.

hope (or faith) will come naturally as you get your needs met first (that is, needs of support from people who care about you and you taking care of yourself with adequate rest, exercise, and diet).

((((huggs))))

[Perna]

Your grandmother and God know what's going on (or at least God does and will make sure your grandmother gets what information she "needs" :-) so relax about your grandmother and what your mother has to say on the subject; she's in no better shape than you are so be "kind" to her if you can, thank her for any info she gives you and try to take some worry from her by listening to what she has to say, etc.

You weren't "selfish" taking care of yourself and checking into the hospital, you did exactly what you should have, taking care of yourself -- no one can truly take care of another and is only charged with taking care of themselves and sounds like you're doing a great job.

Sorry you have a tax-related job. You're doing the best you can aren't you? That's all that is asked of you. Sounds like you're doing fine walking by Faith! Like my T use to say, sometimes all you can do is to "just keep putting one foot in front of the other."

[mlyn]

All I can say is God is in charge!!!
No matter what
Explain oh ya right! is like asking explanation for advertisements exept for them we know the reason duh!!!

[mssumom]

Tomi
Jennie
Perna
mlyn

Thanks so much for your caring and support and prayers. I don't have to have my mother's permission to see my grandmother but did find out they have moved my grandma to another town to a rehab hospital and I don't know where and my parents are not answering their phones. Maybe later I will find out.

I'm trying very hard to stay in the moment and not let crazy thinking overtake me. It is late and I'm tired but of course can't seem to get my mind to slow down and stay in the moment....but I'm trying


Lori

[mlyn]

rehab hospital is good sign