[hopeless85]

I have been to hell and back with my son who will soon be turning 21. I am literally scared to death. Since about age 18 he got into weed and booze. Started drinking excessively his first semester in college and then up until a few months ago. Has a girlfriend going on 3 1/2 years and I honestly have no clue why she stays around. He is VERY controlling and is seeing a therapist due to his anxiety issues and depression. MY Therapist feels if that he can get the anxiety and depression under control he won't drink like he was. Told me not to worry about the weed issues. So he usually makes it 4 weeks of being sober then he relapses. During his sober time he is basically a nice person. Still very selfish and controlling but not mean and aggressive. SO this time he made it 8 weeks without booze. Then asked his gf to buy him a 6pk, she refused so he dropped her off 15 minutes from her home and left her there. He felt he did no wrong when I confronted him.... I told him he can't be treating anyone like that, he just doesn't get it. So he will graduate college in December and plans on moving by himself to CO. He wants to get involved in the weed industry..... We are currently looking for apartments or extended stay hotels but they are so expensive and he has no job lined up yet. MY biggest fear is that he will be drinking in excess out there because he will be alone and that will be depressing.. He will be 1600 miles from home so I can't just go if something happens. I keep praying that God will come into his heart and change him. I am scared. What kind of future does he have? IF the gf finally calls it quits with him, he WILL go off the deep end. I don't blame her if she decides once he moves out to break up because he is underserving of her. He is not a nice person. I have a daughter who is just the opposite so I feel it is not how I raised him. I don't know how to Let Go and Let God??? I worry constantly about my son, about him drinking, about him always asking for money. He finally got a job and is making a little but he feels we need to help him once he moves and if he falls on hard times wire him $??? He is reckless with his car and who knows what will be when he gets out there. I just wish sometimes God would take me home because I can't stand this life.

[Little Lulu]

Having a close relative, spouse, etc. with mental health and addiction issues is a hell like no other but you certainly aren't alone. My only sister has chronic issues like your son's and it worries me on a daily/nightly basis. Every aspect of her life - relationships, employment, finances, health, housing - has gone downhill over the last 10+ years. I have tried to help her in every way I know how (financially, emotionally, etc) and it doesn't seem to have made a difference. She was in a treatment program recently, but started drinking and 'fired' her AA sponsor within a few weeks of being discharged.

The range of emotions loved ones feel is huge and powerful - anger ('they' should stop 'it'), guilt (I've done something to cause this), fear (things will never get better), etc, etc.

It sucks to have this type of situation in your life but as long as your son's behavior continues along these lines, I don't think you can be entirely free of worry. I do think it is possible to live a little better in spite of it. I am counseling right now and it has been immensely helpful. I've gotten some insights that have helped me understand my sister better and cope with the situation. I also go to Al-Anon where I have met people who understand. I have a hobby which helps take my mind off of the issue.

So for me, Let Go and Let God doesn't mean so much that my sister will change, although I can and should remain hopeful for her. Let Go and Let God means that I can take the focus off the person who is sick (to the best of my ability and I have to work at this!), treat them with compassion because they are sick, and make the other aspects of my life as good as possible. I have a right to a good life.

BTW, I have learned through the Al-Anon program to not make assumptions. Your son may never make it to CO but if he does, it might end up being just what he needs, even if it initially looks negative. And if he does go, you might consider being up front about what you will or won't do in terms of wiring money, etc.

[(JD)]

Part of the best answer includes IF you have raised him hearing about God and His Word, since you are wanting to know when to "let God"... Rather than telling and warning him from your own words... remind him of what God says, and how God loves him and when he's ready, God will help him. Just keep reminding him so that when he does hit bottom, he'll look to God. Prayerfully he will reach this place sooner rather than at the end of a long miserable life.

We cannot change others. Worrying does not change a single thing EXCEPT it changes us, our attitude, zaps our time and energy...

So... the idea of "letting go and letting God" comes from knowing and acknowledging those facts: we can't change anyone, worrying does no good. THEN comes the "God, I can do nothing but give my love and support to my son and be firm for his own good (called tough love)... I put it into YOUR hands... I put His safety and life into YOUR hands.... I will trust You. Once you do that---and this is at least a daily reaffirmation every time the worry begins too---you can put your own life back together and be a good example for your son to rely upon.

[emwell]

Letting Go is a hard task. Even more so when it is a child or parent.
Maybe you need to ask for help and guidance in letting go.

I know little about God, but I am learning about Letting Go.
You can learn this skill, but it does take practice.

and from experience, Colorado is not the paradise he thinks it might be.

[alchemy63]

Letting go is the place we come to when we realize we are powerless to affect the change we want or need. Letting God means to understand that God is love and only love, and in our powerlessness to affect the change we wish to happen, we choose instead to feel and express the love of God for ourselves and others around us.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by hopeless85

So he will graduate college in December and plans on moving by himself to CO. He wants to get involved in the weed industry..... We are currently looking for apartments or extended stay hotels but they are so expensive and he has no job lined up yet. . . . . . I worry constantly about my son, about him drinking, about him always asking for money. He finally got a job and is making a little but he feels we need to help him once he moves and if he falls on hard times wire him $??? He is reckless with his car and who knows what will be when he gets out there.

What do you mean by "We are looking for apartments." ?? If he wants to move to Colorado, let him figure out how to do that on his own. If he can't arrange this move without financial backing from you, then maybe that's a good reason to believe he shouldn't be going anywhere. Stop giving him money. I presume you helped him through college. Now he must work for whatever he wants. If he wants to move, let him figure out the financing. You do sound like someone with the classic enabling mindset. I'm not picking on you. I've been there, done that. I highly recommend you attend some Al-Anon meetings and get an armful of their literature. Doing so changed my life, though it took a few years for the principles to sink in.

You need to concentrate on working on your own life and leave him alone. Next time he goes on a trip to hell - and he will - decline to accompany him.

[knit roses]

My first sponsor asked me if I boss around God when I pray. I said no. She disagreed and pointed out the words of my prayers. "Please bless xyz to get a job. Please bless wxy to get a car. Etc" I learned to let go and let God. Since then my prayers are to be blessed with the strength, hope and love to accept life.

[Fuzzybear]

[(JD)]

I believe that God shows us how to pray in His model prayer. First it's to praise Him, then it's to submit all our requests and petition Him, and then it's about Him and His glory again.

I don't think not talking or asking God for things is letting go.... but letting go is when we just cannot do anymore and instead of still trying in our own effort, we turn it over to Him and trust Him to take care of it for us, like any good father would want to do for his child. I think it's harder for those who grew up without any good parent role model, especially not having a loving father. It's important to not compare our heavenly Father with a bad earthly father.

Lean back into His chest and arms and tell Him, "take care of it Daddy". (Actually in Hebrew one of the words for God translates "Papa". I like that.

[psyco123]

yes JD u made it so simple...god has already taught how to ask him for our needs

[TheMagnifiCat]

My heart bleeds


Mel

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by TheMagnifiCat

My heart bleeds


Mel

I don't understand.

[TheMagnifiCat]

Originally Posted by (JD)

I don't understand.

As in empathy and sympathy

Mel

[Frk68]

Great feedback.Really struggling with the Letting go and Letting God.The take care of it daddy really hits home.Thx everybody!

[lizardlady]

Back when I attended Al-Anon meetings I struggled with the concept of Let Go and Let God, mainly because I'm not a religious person. I couldn't figure out how to turn something over to something I didn't believe in.

While in therapy I learned that the only thing I have any control over is myself. I guess when I learned to stop trying to control things I had no control over that was what "Let Go and Let God" means.

Hard as it may be to accept you are doing your son no favors by bailing him out of his problems. Like someone else said, if he wants to move to CO, let him figure out how to do it. This next one is likely to be really hard - don't bail him out financially. Your son sounds a lot like my husband used to be. I actually went to his father and begged him to stop bailing hubby out of financial problems. His parents enabled him to never have to grow up emotionally because they "saved" him every time he screwed up.

Someone else also suggested focusing on taking care of yourself. Sounds like good advice.

[Teddy Bear]

As a parent we always want what's best for our children. Unfortunately sometimes we have let them fall down so they can learn to walk. I think we've all had to learn something's on our own. Now he does.

[(JD)]

It is better to let go now, and let him learn while he is younger rather than try to intervene where he never learns there are consequences to our actions until he is too old to change....