[Christina86]

Or maybe burnt out and stretching myself too thin.

I find I'm questionning a lot of things lately. I've talked to a reverend, an archdeacon and some other people and they all say this is normal... but it certainly doesnt help anything to feel more lost than usual.

Okay, so I'm taking a religion minor. I get to learn about Christianity (historically), and a course about Judaism, Christianity, & Islam. All very interesting.

I'm highly involved in the ecumenical chaplaincy at my school, and attend many different groups for religious stuff and try to go to different religious services.

(like for example: I "attend" a Catholic group, a conservative Protestant group, a bible study (protestant), a Catholic bible study, a rosary group, a social justice group for Catholics, and run a social justice group that's GLBTQ centred with liberal Christianity.

(in my area where I live, I've gone to Mass, service at an Anglican church, United church, Wesleyan church, bible church, presbyterian church ... I admit I like all of them for different reasons, but none of them completely. Is that allowed? Do I need to find one church I agree with 100%? Or is that just never going to happen? I never thought finding a church with a nice congregation (some people my own age would be nice), good music, good community, good beliefs, good pastor/minister, and not too far away would be so hard.

I'm trying to read the Bible, an English translation of the Qu'ran, the RC Catechism, and anything about other faiths I can get my hands on (Judaism, Ba'hai, Muslim etc).

I am the proud owner of 3 Bibles. One NIV, one NRSV (Catholic) and one NLT (New Living Translation)... I also now have two rosarys that I've learned how to pray.

... it's like too much structure, and not enough God.

I know God exists. That's theology, not religion. I have a problem with organized religion sometimes, because it all seems so much and complicated and too much politics and differing viewpoints...

And I dont really know what I believe.

I mean, if people ask me - I'm a liberal Christian. Sometimes I'm not even considered a Christian because I'm not baptized or confirmed. If people ask me for my religious beliefs... they're most in-line with the United Church. I say spiritual. I say questionning. I say... I dont even know how to say it without giving myself a headache.

I've got different friends. Some liberal Christians, some conservative, some Roman Catholics (of varying degrees), some atheists, some agnostics, some people of other religions (Bahai, Muslim, Judaism) ... I know people who practice Wicca. I know people who are "spiritual" and not religious. I know so many people and they all enrich my life and I love them all for who they are, and for what they believe, and for everything...

But I get a headache trying to have different groups of friends in the same room together...

I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I enjoy learning about God and people's faith and religion... I just dont know... sometimes I think God must find me pretty ridiculous.

I get mad at God for stuff, and people say that's okay. I never deny He doesnt exist. I believe He does. So I've got that. But I'm still looking for answers to stuff. I'm still looking for acceptance.

And I'm really having problems with God loving me unconditionally. Or just letting Him take over...

I wish I knew how to do that.

I wish I knew what I was doing writing this.

I wish I knew what I am supposed to be doing.

I wish God would be a little bit more clear about stuff in my head.

And I sincerely wish that people would stop trying to convert me at every other minute.

I'm messed up enough as is.

... Sorry.... I'm sad. Scared. Confused. Lost.

Really really lost.

[nowheretorun]

(((((Christina))))))))

[(JD)]

Oh my ((((Christina)))) yes indeed I think you are spreading yourself too thin. Even a well seasoned theolog looking to learn more would become confused with all that at once, imo.

I think a good place to begin (since you are already seeking God's will) is to write down what you basically believe.
Do you believe the Holy Bible is God's Word? Do you believe all of it, or is it just a good reference?
What do you believe about God? Do you believe He is perfect, that He is triune or not?
Do you believe there is a heaven and hell?
Do you believe God helps actively in the world today, or that we are left to our own devices?

Once you have a general idea of what you think you now believe, that would be the church to begin to attend. You can always change as you learn more about different faiths, and grow stronger in your own.

[nowheretorun]

(((((((Christina)))))))

sorry it took me some time to reply... wanted to say i understand how you were feeling earlier, i hope it has passed...

a spiritual journey can be very confusing and despairing at times...

i know you'll get thru the despairing times because you have worked so hard to know Spirit that i expect you will have regular visits and conversations together...

mentally understanding Spirit is in my opinion more challenging than just having a natural flow of acceptance of yourself and your current understandings...

when you're in that place you can rest awhile, reflect, breathe, ponder, relax, work, and take breaks.....

it helps me not to try regimentation with Spirit..... a time for everything as they say...

when it is time, Spirit moves.....

[clskrock]

I will pray for you Christina. That's all I know how to do.
Dennis

[Christina86]

thanks for the questions ((((((((Sky))))))))

I think I'm struggling with a people-pleasing problem, as my friend pointed out. Trying to integrate everyone elses belief into one cohesive "belief" in my hopes of being a better and more ecumenical person... turns out, that's a really bad idea. I'll just have to talk it out with God I suppose. Or scream. Or cry. We have such an interesting relationship...

Thank you so much for your support.

[Christina86]

((((((nowheretorun)))))))))) thanks my friend.

It hasnt passed, but at least things are a bit clearer now... I have a tendency to question a lot of things a lot of the time, and it gets to be a rather pessimistic view when I'm depressed. Sigh.

Thanks you

[Christina86]

Prayer is good (((((((((Dennis)))))))))) thank you!

[clskrock]

Your wecome Christina.
Dennis

[nowheretorun]

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Christina86 said:
((((((nowheretorun)))))))))) thanks my friend.

It hasnt passed, but at least things are a bit clearer now... I have a tendency to question a lot of things a lot of the time, and it gets to be a rather pessimistic view when I'm depressed. Sigh.

Thanks you

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if kit helps any Christina.. i beleive all religions ive studied abide a principle of love...

not all religions are about love.... but, love can still be found.....

still praying for you : )

[(JD)]

BTW you will never find one church that you agree with 100% all the time. If you do, then you have stopped growing Churches can't be at all levels of the spiritual jouney for all members all the time.



It's best to visit around, and when you find one your spirit feels drawn to... continue to go to that one.

[Rapunzel]

Also remember to pray and ask about each one if it is where you belong. If you don't feel that it is, pray to be led to the church where you belong, and to recognize it when you find it.

[nowheretorun]

i heard once from a friend Christina... said 'My Chapel is in my Heart' ... i have always loved those words... he didnt attend a church, but a kinder man i think i've never known....

[Christina86]

A principle of love is something that I want to live by. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) thanks for the prayers.

[Christina86]

Thanks for that advice (((((((((((Sky))))))))))))) I've heard it before... just never quite put that way.

[Christina86]

Good idea! (((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))) thanks so much.

[Christina86]

"My Chapel is in my Heart"... beautiful. thanks for sharing

[Abby]

Hey Christina - gosh i know that feeling! I get like that even now - i think sometimes my tiny brain gets so much that it literally shorts out! I did something like you are doing now, in fact i still am to some degree. I met lots of Christians and Muslims (these were the 2 religions i was the most interested in - i did look at buddism and all the other major religions but they are not for me for one reason or another although i know i have a lot to learn from each and every one of them!!). - and i remember feeling pulled from one direction to another everyday. In the end i completely lost who i was, i was a good Christian one day, a person interested in Islam the next, then i would be hanging out with my atheist friends drinking and doing things that i knew i shouldn't be and i didn't want to do anymore but i wanted to please everyone so i changed myself to accomodate them. It was awful, i have a poor sense of identity as it is but this literally tore me into different pieces. I always want to learn but what i needed to learn first was to stop and take my time. I know now i'm not going to know everything right now, by Gods guidence i am on the right path but with the more i learn i pray i will be brought ever closer to God.

I think Sky is right, i don't think you can agree 100% with what a particular religion says all the times, that is why it is important to listen to your heart and choose what speaks to you.

Its funny really but a few months ago (or however long it was) when i was really in the middle of everything and i felt as though i was going crazy from it all, i was given the opportunity to have a meeting with a lovely, really intelligent (i felt so dumb!) Islamic scholar. After asking my simple questions that i had.....i told him my real confusion. Do you know what he said? "Jesus the savior - is that with a little or a big s?"" - woah - what a massive question that is (!!)but for some reason it made everything sit together at last.

So keep learning But don't get too bogged down in it all, afterall if you believe in God then you are already pretty much there

[Christina86]

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In the end i completely lost who i was, i was a good Christian one day, a person interested in Islam the next, then i would be hanging out with my atheist friends drinking and doing things that i knew i shouldn't be and i didn't want to do anymore but i wanted to please everyone so i changed myself to accomodate them. It was awful, i have a poor sense of identity as it is but this literally tore me into different pieces. I always want to learn but what i needed to learn first was to stop and take my time. I know now i'm not going to know everything right now, by Gods guidence i am on the right path but with the more i learn i pray i will be brought ever closer to God.

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I totally and completely understand that. So thank you (((((((Abby)))))))))) ... I think I'm taking a break from trying to learn everything about different religions at the moment, and just try to be a better and happier person overall.

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31 (NIV)

That's what I'm trying to live by. Still need a lot of work though.

... oh, and best news ever! My chaplain (ordained minister) says he's willing to participate in my baptism (doing it himself!) if I can find a church I want to join. this makes me happy, because it's because of him that I've really gotten to understand God.