[russells]

Hi all,

I'm Russell - I was first labelled Bipolar last year but a few weeks ago I was diagnosed Schizoaffective after the 'episode' I'm currently in.

I'm really struggling to accept what I've been told. Some days I am aware that something isn't right, whilst some days I completely dismiss any medical advice and put it all down to Spiritual experiences.

I'm on an anti-depressant (Sertraline 50mg) and an anti-psychotic (Resperidone 6mg).I was on Olanzapine but the 'voices' told me to stop taking it and when the CMHT caught wind of it was a bit chaotic but I didn't see what the fuss was all about.

I seem to be in a bit of a depressive phase with the inner voices, delusions and paranoia every so often.

I feel so confused about life and I feel that it's a struggle. I also feel that we have no true freedom and that we are subliminally controlled by the governments.

I'm also taunted occasionally by the inner voices and I'm only sleeping around 5 hours at night at the moment.

I'm not working, I'm on Disability Living Allowance (I live in the UK).

I just feel so torn between whether I'm actually ill or whether this is all real and it's a Spiritual thing and I'm receiving messages from the Spirit world.

A few days ago I felt so confused, aggitated and trapped that I thought about how I would take my own life to make this all stop.

The next day I was ok, and I had a fairly good day after but I'm up and down.

Just looking for some supportive members to chat to.

Regards.

[DePressMe]

Russell, at first illness labels bothered me but now I believe they are just that--labels--they don't define who I am. The doctors, insurance and social services people need some sort of label so they have an idea how to evaluate me--it's just a starting point for them.

Life is chaotic for you right now but hurting yourself is not the answer! Keep that thought in perspective--don't do something rash. I also have those thoughts sometimes but I have realized they are not mine--they are part of my illness. It's the illness talking to me--just like the other inner voices I hear.

I think my illness is partially spiritual. There is a balance of physical, spiritual and mental aspects that need to be dealt with...this is an all encompassing illness.

I also suffer from paranoia. For me it manifests itself by making me scared to leave my hose and afraid people are trying to get me. I can hear them in other rooms, my hallway and in my room. They look at me thru my window which I know is impossible because I'm on the 2nd floor and I have curtains.

I have severe ups and downs and it does seem to correlate with my sleep. Little amounts of sleep makes me sicker. I do better when I get a full nights amount of sleep.

You said you would like some support. It's a good and healthy sign that you are reaching out. There are many people here on PC that help me. It's a safe place to talk about what we are going thru.

Again, please don't hurt yourself. Get help from a therapist, pdoc, social worker or if it gets bad, go to the hospital. This illness is not worth losing your life over......take care of yourself...D.

[bluecupcake]

I was in denial for a very long time. At first I thought I was on a "spiritual journey" and can decode the mysteries of the universe. And I was having precognitive dreams even on the medication. But that "spiritual journey" was driving me more crazy that I joined this forum. Now I accept that I wasn't on a spiritual journey, but that everything was symptomatic of my illness. I don't want to be on a spiritual journey because it just feeds the paranoia and delusions. So now I tell myself it isn't spiritual, it's brain chemistry. It's symptomatic of my illness. I'm not an oracle. I'm just sick and need to get better.

[schizoaffective]

This is the nature of the disorder - the unreality of everything. It's like travelling down a mountain through fog patches. Sometimes the fog clears. Just stick to the path prescribed by your doctor and you should be okay.

[Mysoul]

Thanks for providing a place for me to reach out and hear from other people like myself. I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder and it was a bit of a shock as I really thought that I just had a combination of problems. I've always thought that my internal dialogue was simply an over active brain - have been told before that I "think too much" as if such a thing were actually possible. Maybe I think too fast but it seems to me that most of what I've read on these forums is written by intelligent people. Is there a correlation between intelligence and personality disorders? Is the internal dialogue another way of hearing 'voices'. I've always thought that all my thoughts were self directed, no other entity talking 'to' me, just my own mind dancing around. I've also found that I'm very interested and fascinated by advanced physics even though I barely understand the concepts. Does anyone else find quantum physics resonates with them?

[russells]

Thank you all for the support in replying.

I visited my GP today and got another 3 months signed off (I live in the UK) so that will help keep the stress of me for a bit.

The more I learn about this illness, the more it resonates with me.

I'm still accepting it but I'll get there.

MySoul - I'm also into Physics and how the Universe works etc.

Regards

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Mysoul

... I really thought that I just had a combination of problems. I've always thought that my internal dialogue was simply an over active brain - have been told before that I "think too much" as if such a thing were actually possible.... I've always thought that all my thoughts were self directed, no other entity talking 'to' me, just my own mind dancing around. ..

Mysoul, I'm also bewildered about what is really happening to me. My T told me last week that I "think to much". I'm not sure what she means by that. I'm afraid she may be telling me I'm making all this up. But I suppose at some level, hallucinations and delusions are ultimately our minds dancing around and coming up with unbelievable stuff. Treatment is aimed at enabling us to get those chaotic thoughts, perceptions and behaviours under control, and to be able to function better.

I'm clueless about quantum physics, but intrigued about the observer influencing the outcome of what were previously understood to be inflexible laws of physics.