[sduck]

Okay so, I've posted some topics and here and there like a few to couple months ago, asking Schizophrenia questions, because I'm a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic... Didn't care about the disorder or believe I was schizophrenic. The only reason why it interested me, because I was trying to get SSI and I wanted to understand my disorder to help my case... I think digging it up and trying to understand it just made it worse for me, especially after being rejected for disability because not being "severe" enough, apparently. But now that I pay attention, I realize that I do frequently hear voices, get paranoid, visually hallucinate sometimes, and whatever other things schizophrenics do. After being rejected by disabilities, I wanted to prove to myself if I was really schizophrenic or not, because part of me would believe it, the other part wouldn't. So I dug up the old anti-psychotic medication that was prescribed to me 3-4 years ago. Was a bit scared to take it, because I heard bad things about side effects, but I just needed to. Was tired of hearing voices for one... So I started taking Risperidone, which was prescribed to me, standard 0.5 mg dosage, and I noticed a difference completely...

I felt like I could definitely concentrate better... Pre-med I would spend most of my day doing nothing, trying to figure out what to do, because for some reason I was always felt tired and exhausted, so hard to concentrate on anything, felt like everything was "work" and most things didn't interest me at all. But on-med, I had lots of more patience, I could actually force myself into getting something done. Something that I normally couldn't focus on for more than 30 minutes, could take my whole day up. I didn't feel that agitated by things anymore. I felt like I could socialize with people better. Collect my thoughts better. I felt more energized throughout the day, but also more tired... in a way. Like I was frequently yawning, and my body felt tired, but I still felt energized. I could still slightly hear voices sometimes, but my mind didn't even want to pay attention to them, so it wasn't bothersome at all. Didn't eat as much; felt hungry, normally, but felt like I could still function without eating, while pre-med I felt like I had to eat a lot or else I couldn't function. Overall I felt better as a person... The only things I didn't like about being on meds, was (may be grossly intaked)couldn't masturbate, couldn't run or lift weights, or excersize at all really. I thought sleeping was already bad for me (like random bursts of energy, paranoia, racing thoughts..etc..), but on-med sleeping was worse. Was even harder to go to sleep, because my mind felt energized at all times, even if my body didn't. I would sleep for longer periods usually, and my alarm couldn't even wake me up at all. If I were to awake during sleep, it was pretty hard to go back to sleep. Only good part about it, instead of waking up tired, drowsy, not wanting to get out of bed, I felt energized and would pop right up as if I was a morning person.
I wouldn't feel paranoid, but I would still get paranoid thoughts sometimes, like I would think about "what if something were to harm me" but it were kind of 'whatever' kind of thoughts, because my mind didn't really focus on it like it'd usually do...

Post-med... I've only had enough for a couple of weeks, and refills are out of date(I think), so... But what I feel post-med, I don't feel as bad as I did pre-med, daily, but the other day I was hearing voices, and I remember waking up this morning, laying in bed, staring at my computer chair, thinking and feeling like this chair would magically come alive and attack me, or something would make it attack me. At that same time I was thinking to myself, "Why am I thinking this? It's just a chair... Is this a delusion?" ...

Most schizophrenics I know do well to pay the rent. Your unbelievable.

[sduck]

I don't understand what you mean, are you attacking me?

I meant what I said, I mean it has been my experience. I've known people diagnosed with schizophrenia who can't put together a comprehendable sentence. That is basicly been my experience with that diagnosis. Just that 3-4 paragraph post you put together would be impossable for them. I guess I get suspicious sometimes, there are a lot of mean pranksters in this world. I'm not trying to attack, sorry.

I have psychosis problems and I've been ridiculed a lot in my life thusfar. It is reflex.

sorry.

[costello]

I guess I'm not clear on what the question is. Are you asking if you have sz? Or if taking the medication for 3 weeks has changed you? Or if you should be on disability?

I suppose if you thought of sz as being on a continuum, you might fall somewhere along that continuum that was "higher functioning"? In my view, sz is so badly defined that a bunch of different things get lumped into a single category. Hearing voices and paranoia are things that lots of people experience to one degree or another. They don't necessarily mean you're ill.

My son's problems which prevent him from working seem to stem more from his general confusion than anything else. I don't know how to explain it. He's just really really confused. Often it makes it difficult to have even a very simple conversation. He gets flooded with thoughts. Or he gets completely caught up in tiny details. Or he can't shift from one thought to another at will. Or he makes weird associations.

For example, last night he told me that he was happy that Lady Gaga was nominated for a Grammy, even if she didn't win. He was upset when I didn't react to that news the way he thought I should. Apparently he's somehow connected his own success with hers, because he likes her and he owns a leather jacket like the ones her back up singers are wearing in some video. So if she succeeds, he succeeds. If she fails, he fails. But she didn't unequivically succeed or fail. She was only nominated which is good but not great. Finally I told him point blank that his success is in no way connected to Lady Gaga's. That seemed to reassure him. But who knows? He may still be distressed and worried but said he wasn't to make me feel better.

This is one tiny example of the landmines he has to navigate every day just to make sense of the world. If you can imagine trying to cope with living in the world while your mind is playing with you this way, you get an idea of how difficult it is do anything. Hold a job. Have a friend. Get married. Go to the grocery store. It's all a sea of potential confusion and distress.

[sduck]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I meant what I said, I mean it has been my experience. I've known people diagnosed with schizophrenia who can't put together a comprehendable sentence. That is basicly been my experience with that diagnosis. Just that 3-4 paragraph post you put together would be impossable for them. I guess I get suspicious sometimes, there are a lot of mean pranksters in this world. I'm not trying to attack, sorry.

I have psychosis problems and I've been ridiculed a lot in my life thusfar. It is reflex.

sorry.

Oh well I don't know how bad it is for everyone. Most the times when I look up this "disorder" it's always extreme cases and impossible to relate, and as you said, the "insight" that schizophrenics shouldn't have, but then at times may have read about cases where a schizophrenic is aware that they're ill, but may refuse treatment... I don't know, it's always different things I hear and read, and it always ends up making me question whether I'm really schizophrenic.
At the time I was diagnosed a schizophrenic, I was going at a time of depression and social withdrawal. Where I would believe and do things many people considered absurd, refused to talk to people, thinking people and things were out to get me, etc... You're not the only one who's been ridiculed, I've had people call me weird and other kinds of stuff... I don't know how things played out for you...

Originally Posted by costello

I guess I'm not clear on what the question is. Are you asking if you have sz? Or if taking the medication for 3 weeks has changed you? Or if you should be on disability?

I suppose if you thought of sz as being on a continuum, you might fall somewhere along that continuum that was "higher functioning"? In my view, sz is so badly defined that a bunch of different things get lumped into a single category. Hearing voices and paranoia are things that lots of people experience to one degree or another. They don't necessarily mean you're ill.

My son's problems which prevent him from working seem to stem more from his general confusion than anything else. I don't know how to explain it. He's just really really confused. Often it makes it difficult to have even a very simple conversation. He gets flooded with thoughts. Or he gets completely caught up in tiny details. Or he can't shift from one thought to another at will. Or he makes weird associations.

For example, last night he told me that he was happy that Lady Gaga was nominated for a Grammy, even if she didn't win. He was upset when I didn't react to that news the way he thought I should. Apparently he's somehow connected his own success with hers, because he likes her and he owns a leather jacket like the ones her back up singers are wearing in some video. So if she succeeds, he succeeds. If she fails, he fails. But she didn't unequivically succeed or fail. She was only nominated which is good but not great. Finally I told him point blank that his success is in no way connected to Lady Gaga's. That seemed to reassure him. But who knows? He may still be distressed and worried but said he wasn't to make me feel better.

This is one tiny example of the landmines he has to navigate every day just to make sense of the world. If you can imagine trying to cope with living in the world while your mind is playing with you this way, you get an idea of how difficult it is do anything. Hold a job. Have a friend. Get married. Go to the grocery store. It's all a sea of potential confusion and distress.

To be honest, I don't know where I was going with this thread. It was just on my mind and I ended up posting it. I'm not even sure why I did, whether I was trying to get answer or what. I seem to be confused about a lot of things, and can't even trust my own thoughts half the time. Is it really what I felt about something or what? Like I can at times fully believe I'm schizophrenic, then my mind goes on a denial phase. I have no idea how this... or I can relate to other people. Maybe I posted this thread to get a reaction, just to see what other people think... Of course not a negative reaction...

I think my biggest problems over all are concentration and paranoia issues. I'm obviously not a very extreme case if I can have insight without medication, or maybe I'm not schizophrenic at all... who knows. That's why I've talked to my mother for help and I'll be seeing a doctor next week.

[costello]

Originally Posted by sduck

To be honest, I don't know where I was going with this thread. It was just on my mind and I ended up posting it. I'm not even sure why I did, whether I was trying to get answer or what.

Ok, I didn't think I saw a clear question. It does sound like you've had some unusual experiences. The brain/mind is a weird and wonderful thing, and it does weird and wonderful things. The human experience is diverse and interesting.

My advice (for what it's worth!) is this: don't get too stressed out about your experiences because that seems to make things worse and stay away from mental health professionals, if you can manage it, because they seem to have a talent for making things worse. (Of course, if you can't manage on your own, seek help.)

Of course not a negative reaction...

Being Ridiculed.

I was a very withdrawn and gulliable kid. I was neglected at home and I stuttered. I was teased for stuttering. Kids would play mean tricks on me because I was gullable.

It goes on.

I became tough and fierce. I have emotional problems now. I get really, really scared without reason. I can become suicidal. I can self-mutilate.

I've learned to get by. I can feel painful stuff now, but be able to take it to a therapist and not act on it.

[newtus]

@costello
your sons thinking...
that happens to me all the time. i thought that was normal.
then again. these past 6 months. things that happen to me seem normal. i slowly find out they arent. well...past 2 years. its been slow though.

which...also..
im described as being ill and refusing treatment.
i refuse treatment...but ..med side effects..
i .. hm. i have a hard time concentrating a lot. i hear stuff. and yea my thinking process is pretty wacked out for me. and even my therapist. BUT...wait..also, i think thats what you call disorganized thought. the deeper in get into thought the more disorganized i get.
like literally every few other words are word salad.
but my mind starts racing and i trip. but it still makes sense to me.
i start putting different letters together.
not just words.
typing is SO much easier.
my brain slows down.

oh yea and i hear stuff...and i GUESS i could say see stuff.
my memory too. is HORRIBLE.
thing is...i dont buy and am not going to buy into me being delusional.
i truly believe people are watching. got evidence. though it was burned.
i truly belive in the holy time matrix.
i truly believ ive time traveled back to history.
etc..etc..etc...
i believe what doctors say is seeing stuff.like to me premonitions.
i truly truly truly believe its real and im not going to go DEBATE
science with a nut labeler.
if i want to do that ill goto bed bath and beyond and make the purchase myself.

im highly spiritual. religious. believer in unknown.
dont forget psychiatry is "science".
so science and "science" doesnt believe in spiritual and def not religious.

I'm glad you posted.

[costello]

Good to hear from you, newtus. I've been wondering about you.

Originally Posted by brookwest

I meant what I said, I mean it has been my experience. I've known people diagnosed with schizophrenia who can't put together a comprehendable sentence. That is basicly been my experience with that diagnosis. Just that 3-4 paragraph post you put together would be impossable for them. I guess I get suspicious sometimes, there are a lot of mean pranksters in this world. I'm not trying to attack, sorry.

I have psychosis problems and I've been ridiculed a lot in my life thusfar. It is reflex.

sorry.

It's different for everyone. My Dr thinks I am paranoid schizophrenic but my speech is mostly fine, so..
You can't judge every person with that illness to have the same symptoms. I've seen a few of your posts and you seem to not believe a lot of people.
I'm not attacking or being rude or anything like that, just stating. Sorry if I sounded rude.

Your most likely right. I tend to distrust easily. Thanks for your honesty.

[newtus]

@WelcomeToTheJungle

you are actually very right about that.
i had some people not believe my diagnosis in the past.
they idea they had in their heads is that all are completely entirely dysfunctional in every way.
or...their family member is worse than me...so i im not sza cause im not like their family member...so on so forth...
i had a best friend. outright say
that im faking everything for attention and because that i brush my teeth im not sza...
because the hygiene thing.
HAHAHA....
thing is...
we only texted for years.
...had he come over and smelled me...6 months worse of body odor...
well yea.....

^^just an example^^
so much more i have.

i feel disheartened.
severely
pulled back and forth with this sytem.
it can goto hell.

[sduck]

Originally Posted by WelcomeToTheJungle

It's different for everyone. My Dr thinks I am paranoid schizophrenic but my speech is mostly fine, so..
You can't judge every person with that illness to have the same symptoms. I've seen a few of your posts and you seem to not believe a lot of people.
I'm not attacking or being rude or anything like that, just stating. Sorry if I sounded rude.

^this... I read that paranoid schizophrenics are the most normal functioning schizophrenics out of the three major subtypes (Paranoid, Disorganized, and Catatonic). Paranoid Schizophrenia is also the most common type. Their prognosis is better than the other two types.

I think I have fairly decent memory, the more I read up on it, the more I look back and realize the things I did or do... So the diagnosis makes sense to me. However, whenever I study actual people/cases of schizophrenia it's mostly continuous/extreme, so it makes me question about myself... One of the things I liked was MTV's True Life on Schizophrenia, which featured three people who didn't seem so extreme. I feel like I can relate most to the characters Josh & Amber as far as symptoms/functioning...

If I take the schizophrenia test, I usually get around 17-22. However, 2-4 years ago I know I would of scored at least a 30. I won't go into absolute detail but I was almost a totally different person than I am today. To be able to make that recovery (but not full recovery) without medication is questionable.
In more detail, a couple of years ago my mother forced me out of her house to live with one of my sisters for a few months, who lived on the other side of America. I hated it, but did end up having a lot of fun and learning experiences that got me out of my "total" social withdrawal shell. It made me more inspired about life and made me think more simple, instead of forming extra meaning in everything while also thinking life was so empty. I guess you can say it was a way of minor treatment. Definitely not full treatment, because I still got issues. I can't speak for everyone, but for an example sometimes I can walk down to the store, everything is fine, then do it the next day, and I think everyone is out to get me... Sometimes to the point I can't go out in public at all. It seems to be an on and off kind of thing that happens frequently with paranoia. As far as concentration, it's impossible for me to read a book, and difficult to focus on things in general, because my mind is always racing, clustered, thinking of random things. I think it took me more than hour going back and forth typing all this... And I swear there's someone in the room with me at all times. I just know they're watching me. Scared to show themselves... But I'm too scared to say anything.

[costello]

Originally Posted by sduck

One of the things I liked was MTV's True Life on Schizophrenia, ...

I've never heard of this show, and it sounds weird to me to make a reality tv program about people with sz.

If I take the schizophrenia test, I usually get around 17-22. However, 2-4 years ago I know I would of scored at least a 30. I won't go into absolute detail but I was almost a totally different person than I am today. To be able to make that recovery (but not full recovery) without medication is questionable.

Don't know if it's questionable or not. I think others have done the same. This is why some of us would question the wisdom of rushing in with meds at the first sign of psychosis.

... got me out of my "total" social withdrawal shell. It made me more inspired about life and made me think more simple, instead of forming extra meaning in everything while also thinking life was so empty. I guess you can say it was a way of minor treatment. Definitely not full treatment, because I still got issues. I can't speak for everyone, but for an example sometimes I can walk down to the store, everything is fine, then do it the next day, and I think everyone is out to get me... Sometimes to the point I can't go out in public at all. It seems to be an on and off kind of thing that happens frequently with paranoia. As far as concentration, it's impossible for me to read a book, and difficult to focus on things in general, because my mind is always racing, clustered, thinking of random things. ...

All of this sounds like my son. Lately he's been objecting to leaving the house or being in public. He feels like people are watching him judgmentally. I've been telling him that - unless he's on the verge of total anxiety - he needs to make himself go out. It's too easy to get isolated. The more you go out, the easier it gets. The more you hide away, the harder it will be to go out. Of course, if it's a really bad day, and he just can't do it, he shouldn't.

Glad to hear you're doing better than you were. I tend to believe recovery is possible, so it doesn't surprise me that you're seeing improvement. I can see why this might make you question your recovery. My experiences in talking to people who believe strongly in the medical model of mental illness is that, if you mention someone who has recovered from sz, they'll say that person never had it to begin with, that they were misdiagnosed. If you continue to recover and are symptom-free, you'll probably encounter this attitude.