[BNLsMOM]

TRIGGER


I get these images, like a slide show in my brain of doing violence to myself. The most recent has been driving my car into a tree or pole or stopping on the train tracks and waiting for the crunch and smoosh... the have ranged from cutting up my arms to stabbing myself and just doing a lot of damage. I don't want to die, but I want to get close. There is something in me that wants to feel what it is like for the life to drain out of me. Then there is the healthy, logical side that tells me to get help, and that my children need me to be healthy, etc. I also get paranoia, especially when I am driving. I feel exposed and that there are certain cars out there that are following me. Usually they are black Fords with silver grills, the cars that look like unmarked police cars or cars that the CIA would drive. I don't know why they would have me in their sights, but the feeling of being followed still comes.

So I am in a partial program right now and the doctor there said that my thoughts have an obsessional quality to them, but since they are so invasive, that they are more on the side of psychosis rather than OCD. My latest diagnosis is Bipolar with psychotic features.

Anyway, I just wondered what others have experienced in terms of invasive thoughts.

I am on an antipsychotic (Geodon) and have tried so many of them that are out there. I get relief for a little while and then it all comes back to the point that I think I will hurt myself, and I end up in the hospital.

Thoughts? I usually post in the bipolar forum, but the bipolar isn't bothering me right now. It feels lonely when I have these thoughts.

Hey there! Do you remember me? I used to post there all the time, but sadly Bipolar doesn't bother me at all anymore... Just the psychosis crap.

I know what you mean about the invasive thoughts. I get those a lot... And much like you, I've never been actively suicidal but I get my mind invaded by thoughts of bringing myself to a point of near death or hospitalization. I wish I knew what that was about, because it oftentimes comes clear out of the blue!!
A few months ago, I had my worst bout of that. Which was really horrible since I was in public with my boyfriend... I was obsessing about running into the fastfood bathroom & smashing my head into the ceramic hand dryer until I went unconscious. That was really hard to cope with. :/

I really hope your thoughts go away soon! The thing I find to be the trigger for ALL psychosis is stress. Even if it's days before or you think it's "not that bad", that is the thing that always bites me in the *** & causes me to mentally unhinge... It's like all of the stress gets processed wrong, internalizes, & manifests as psychosis rather than worry or panic.
So first order of business? Cut down on your stresses. Have people help you out whenever you need it.

That's all I can suggest now. I hope you start feeling better soon!! But at least you make sure to take good care of yourself for your kids. That's so important. Not that I need to tell YOU that, of course! : )

[Trippin2.0]

I've had my share of invasive thoughts, most times completely independent of bp episodes. Car crashes, walking into an oncoming bus, SI... It's hard when the thoughts are backed by urges, but somehow I've always managed to distract myself before acting on them... So sorry you're still struggling with these, I know how they distress you

[newtus]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I get these images, like a slide show in my brain of doing violence to myself.

i get these A LOT.
i dont know what it is. what its from
but i get them a lot

mostly me doing stuff to other people
i have bad urges.
so i redirect it to me.
either by cutting or hitting myself or jumping off something and not breaking my fall. if im not hurting myself then ill be hurting.......yea..

but then i get some of me being attacked by the people following me around
hung about in my yard and forest next to me. bushes.

believe me in know who the F is in those planes all time.
I VOICED WHAT I HAD TO SAY TO MY THERAPIST AND SHE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING.
did i voice too much?
i put out that i believe i was being followed by a shadow agency in relation the fbi.
SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME.
the EFFIN WENCH.

[thedayturnedaround]

I also have been diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features. I can say that after being prescribed Risperdal, I stopped believing I was being monitored by the same type of shadow/CIA type operation that I was before. I want to mention that I once looked up my symptoms on the internet and believed I had become schizophrenic but this is actually part of bipolar disorder.

There is hope that the fears can stop. At least you are aware enough to post descriptions of what you know isn't true - that you aren't actually being followed. And other thoughts you describe about hurting yourself do sound obsessive, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have OCD. It could be that stress induces these feelings in you.

I hope you find an antipsychotic that works for you soon and something that keeps you stable. I also take Tegretol to control my moods. Maybe that is something you could try, also I used to have success with Lamictal.

Good luck in your battling these symptoms you describe.

[fishsandwich]

Heya! I had a similar diagnosis back in the day (later "upgraded" to schizophrenia) - back when I cared what psychiatrists said to me.
I'm more familiar with the extremely strong compulsions to harm myself than the paranoia - and I have (and do on occasion) act on them. I don't know, for me sometimes it's the fastest way "out" to act on them, though mine never get as violent as yours sound. I had a therapist for a while who made me act out all my destructive obsessions on children's toys, which helped a lot. I eviscerated a lot of dolls and teddies, though :-/

[Tsunamisurfer]

(((((BNLsMOM)))))

I live with it daily.
I thought various neuroleptic meds helped - they seemed to for a while - but as you say, it always came back to me, along with the dissociation I felt on the drugs.
I can really relate to your loneliness.
I hope you find a lot of encouragement for your experiences here.
TS

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

...I get these images, like a slide show in my brain of doing violence to myself... I also get paranoia, especially when I am driving. I feel exposed and that there are certain cars out there that are following me... but since they are so invasive, that they are more on the side of psychosis rather than OCD. My latest diagnosis is Bipolar with psychotic features...

Thoughts? I usually post in the bipolar forum, but the bipolar isn't bothering me right now. It feels lonely when I have these thoughts.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like psychosis to me. Sounds like OCD with a side of paranoia. Of course, I'm not a doctor yet. But that's just my opinion.

As for meds.....have you tried a mood stabilizer like lithium?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

Honestly, it doesn't sound like psychosis to me. Sounds like OCD with a side of paranoia...

difference between ocd and voices is ocd doesnt hear sounds like they think they hear voices right?

[SunAngel]

I have BP and OCD. It sounds like you are experiencing OCD thoughts.

These thoughts, (intrusive) enter your mind all the time out of the blue and you cannot stop them.

There are antidepressants, like Luvox, that will help you not get these thoughts. Luvox is specifically used for these types of things.

In answer to the last reply, yes OCD has no "hearing" of anything. They are intrusive thoughts that can drive you nuts.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by newtus

difference between ocd and voices is ocd doesnt hear sounds like they think they hear voices right?

It's a little more complicated than that. Because you can have psychosis without hearing voices...it's called thought insertion, where you believe that someone is changing your thoughts or inserting thoughts that are not yours into your mind.

I would say the difference is that OCD also has intrusive thoughts, but you don't think someone else is inserting them into your mind. You know they are your own thoughts, however unwanted those thoughts are to you.

[Moose72]

I get those same things and I'm bipolar 1.

[KUREHA]

Some of that sounds like OCD - I have that as well, just a different kind, I'm germaphobic.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I too have horrible invasive thoughts. When I first learned to drive at 16 I used to have thoughts of driving myself into a tree or off a cliff or even into other cars. I hated to drive because I was afraid of myself. I used to tell my dad but of course he thought I was just acting out.

But yeah, I have thoughts of hurting myself. Sometimes I pull my hair out and hit myself, I don't do cutting, but I have given myself lumps and bruises and such. I usually attack my head and face. It's pretty scary when it happens. I hate it.

I have also had episodes of paranoid delusions, some hallucinations, and such. But they don't stay. One day they just kind of evaporate.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

Honestly, it doesn't sound like psychosis to me. Sounds like OCD with a side of paranoia. Of course, I'm not a doctor yet. But that's just my opinion.

As for meds.....have you tried a mood stabilizer like lithium?

I have tried Lithium before and I got so stiff that I had a hard time walking. Fortunately I was in the hospital so I could get a quick med change. They put me on Depakote and I have been on it ever since. I just started Neurontin to help boost the depakote.

This thread is confusing my issue even more LOL. I guess in psychology everyone has an opinion and each opinion is probably right. That's the mystery of MI.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

As for meds.....have you tried a mood stabilizer like lithium?

i was on lithium and a cocktail of 3 (seroquel abilify & xanax) other meds a few years ago from a psychdoc that thought i had bipolar.

what a mistake cocktail that nearly killed me from pre-diabetic symptoms and weight gain. no to mention sub issues.

i realize this was 3 years ago or so but i still dont believe i was bipolar. im trying to comply now and if haldol was perfect id say its a great combo. THE OTHER S**T DIDNT WORK. ALMOST KILLED ME. DIDNT GET ANYWHERE BUT ALMOST A HOLE IN THE GROUND PUSHING DAISIES NEXT TO SOME PERSON THAT TOOK THE LEAD AHEAD OF ME GOING THROUGH THE STAGES OF HUMAN DECOMPOSITION.

[ickydog2006]

I use to struggle with those thoughts a lot. Doctors thought it was caused by depression at first but those meds didn't help. Then I was put on meds for OCD and those helped a lot. I would still get them but I didn't feel as compelled to do them. Then Wellbutrin was added to the Zoloft and that helped more than anything. I can't visualize it in my head anymore, so it's easier to move past them. Has anyone found anything that makes these thoughts completely go away?

[BNLsMOM]

Paranoia is truly going to kill me. I spend so much time watching for the cars that follow me that I am going to crash into something one of these days.

I don't know if anyone really cares, but there is a thread in the Bipolar Forum called Awful day paranoia need friends to lift me up. It gives the details. i am just too tired to write it again.