[costello]

I think I'm even too tired to write it. I'm so so so tired. Now that my son's not working, he's back to staying awake half the night watching tv, and the light and noise keep me awake and yadda yadda yadda. I know the regulars here have heard this story before.

Same old story. I need sleep. He's making no effort. Even the few things I have him doing - like taking fish oil and seeing a therapist - he wants to quit. What's his plan? To sit on the couch all day smoking and drinking Sierra Mist and thinking about every tiny bad thing that has ever happened to him since the day he was born?

He does no housework other than his own laundry. I do everything else, and now I'm not even allowed to get enough sleep at night. He sat at home all day yesterday and the day before and the day before... And he'll sit home all day today. Despite the fact the he had nothing to do all day yesterday, he decided to wait until 11 pm do his laundry. The washing machine's outside my bedroom, so of course it woke me.

I'm so tired, I literally should not be driving. I drove over a tree planter in the parking lot at work, because I'm so tired. I'm so afraid I've damaged my car, and I can't afford to fix it.

As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to have to look for a nursing home or a group home for him. I love him and I want him to get well, but frankly all the recovery stories I've heard have involved people taking their recovery into their own hands. I can't force wellness on him. He resents and resists every suggestion I make, yet he has no ideas of his own. He can't or won't care for himself, and I can't continue this way. If I didn't have to work or if I had more money so I could hire someone to help, I could keep it up. But I just can't carry on this way much longer.

[Gr3tta]

costello - I am glad to hear you say you're considering another arrangement. Right now it seems that neither one of you is doing very well, and that should be changed. It's perfectly clear how much you love and care for your son, but love can't make him better. What it can do is completely exhaust you, and leave you both full of resentment for the other.
There really are lots of options and levels of either independence, or professional care available depending on what your son needs. It could be the thing you both need to improve your relationship, and help him get better.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

costello - I am glad to hear you say you're considering another arrangement.

Thanks, Gr3tta.

I've been on the phone this morning talking to various agencies to see what's available. Apparently there are a number options from nursing home to group home to assisted living in his own place. No one so far as given me anything but generalities, but it sounds like there are options. I left a voice mail for the last person. Waiting to hear back.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

Thanks, Gr3tta.

I've been on the phone this morning talking to various agencies to see what's available. Apparently there are a number options from nursing home to group home to assisted living in his own place. No one so far as given me anything but generalities, but it sounds like there are options. I left a voice mail for the last person. Waiting to hear back.

how does he feel about this?

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

how does he feel about this?

He doesn't know yet - which I hate.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

He doesn't know yet - which I hate.

i feel scared for him
if you dont mind me saying.
i feel the tension and i dont know even know you

secrets and surprises scare the stuff out of me.

dont even get me started on surprises.......

[Gr3tta]

Good point newtus - he probably wouldn't appreciate it being sprung on him. However, it was my understanding that he had previously expressed a desire to live on his own?
I wouldn't want arrangements hidden from me. But, I would much rather hear that there is a plan, or hear information on my options, than just hearing you have to leave. I think it's good for costello to be armed with the information ahead of time.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

i feel scared for him
if you dont mind me saying.
i feel the tension and i dont know even know you

secrets and surprises scare the stuff out of me.

dont even get me started on surprises.......

I'm sorry you feel scared.

I plan on talking to him about it, but not right now. For one thing, he's probably still asleep. For another he's at home and I'm at work - an hour away. I'd like to talk to him face to face, not on the phone.

Also I don't intend to impose this on him. I intend to discuss it with him. He's lived in a group home before, and he liked it. And if we can arrange for him to have his own apartment with assistance, I think he would really really really like that. He wants his own place.

Don't worry, newtus, I'm not going to hurt my son.

[KUREHA]

I hope it all goes well then and you can sort it out ok

[KUREHA]

Actually maybe you should talk to a psychologist as well?

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

Actually maybe you should talk to a psychologist as well?

I'd love to, but I just can't afford it.

[KUREHA]

Ah right - is there no free programmes that you can find someone to talk too?

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

Ah right - is there no free programmes that you can find someone to talk too?

Unfortunately not for people who have a decent salary.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by costello

As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to have to look for a nursing home or a group home for him. I love him and I want him to get well, but frankly all the recovery stories I've heard have involved people taking their recovery into their own hands. I can't force wellness on him. He resents and resists every suggestion I make, yet he has no ideas of his own. He can't or won't care for himself, and I can't continue this way. If I didn't have to work or if I had more money so I could hire someone to help, I could keep it up. But I just can't carry on this way much longer.

Look, I'm going to sound awful to say this, but: if he won't help himself, then you shouldn't have to help him. You certainly shouldn't help him at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. Maybe if he's in a group home, he'll be more willing to help himself because the staff will be more structured than you might be. And if he doesn't, well, it's still not your responsibility or fault.

[costello]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Look, I'm going to sound awful to say this, but: if he won't help himself, then you shouldn't have to help him. You certainly shouldn't help him at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. Maybe if he's in a group home, he'll be more willing to help himself because the staff will be more structured than you might be. And if he doesn't, well, it's still not your responsibility or fault.

That's what I always think too when I get in these moods. Then I actually talk to him again, and I realize how confused he is. I'm not sure he can help himself.

I talked to him about an hour ago. The thing is he really wants to move out but can't figure out how. He's had so many failures with jobs and things that he's just terrified to even try anymore.

We talked about the whole light thing. I said I've told him a hundred times that the light keeps me awake. After a while I just get angry, because I feel like he doesn't care.

Then he said, "You have to tell me again. I just can't remember. This is why I can't hold a job. It makes me feel stupid that I have to be reminded over and over. I'm not trying to annoy you. It isn't that I don't care. I hate it that I'm causing trouble for you, and I think every day about how I need to get out of here so I'm not bothering you. I just can't figure out how to get my own place."

It breaks my heart. He is really trying hard. I believe him. Sometimes, though, you try really hard and still fail. And I don't think it's escaped his notice that other people can do these same things easily.

Still waiting to hear from the woman I left the voice mail with.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by costello

That's what I always think too when I get in these moods. Then I actually talk to him again, and I realize how confused he is. I'm not sure he can help himself.

Ah yes, but just because he can't help himself doesn't mean you must. Somebody has to if he can't, but it needn't - and shouldn't - be you, if caring for him makes you feel this way.

I was wondering earlier if there is some support for carers where you are. Over here, we have support groups and other events for family members/laypersons caring for people with a mental health problem. Best part of them is, they're usually free or have a low contribution (I ran one eons ago that cost a fiver each month).

Originally Posted by costello

I talked to him about an hour ago. The thing is he really wants to move out but can't figure out how. He's had so many failures with jobs and things that he's just terrified to even try anymore.

Well, it's good that you're talking. And it's good that he wants things for himself.

Originally Posted by costello

Then he said, "You have to tell me again. I just can't remember. This is why I can't hold a job. It makes me feel stupid that I have to be reminded over and over.

I wonder if memory strategies would help him, like a sign on the washing machine that says "OPEN FOR USE BETWEEN 9am and 8 pm" or whatever.

[costello]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Ah yes, but just because he can't help himself doesn't mean you must. Somebody has to if he can't, but it needn't - and shouldn't - be you, if caring for him makes you feel this way.

I don't know how to respond to that. I'm his mother. This is not a rational thing. No one else will care the way I do. And I've trusted other people before, and they just don't care. That one case manager watched him starve himself and did nothing. The mhc promised me once when he was having a really hard time and was really paranoid about me that they would check on him every night and call me if he wasn't home or if there was a problem. They never went to his apartment at all. I didn't hear from them so I trusted things were going ok. Next I hear he's disappeared. The police won't even take a missing person report. I didn't know where he was for a week. Then he turns up in a hospital 750 miles away, having attempted suicide in another state.

Why should I trust someone else to care for him?

And when push comes to shove, they always call me anyway. They sit back and watch him deteriorate, then they call me to fix things. And it always ends up costing more than if it hadn't been allowed to go to hell in the first place. And it always leaves him with more trauma.

I was wondering earlier if there is some support for carers where you are.

I don't know. It honestly makes me feel exhausted just thinking about going to meetings. It means making time for it. And it takes psychic energy. I seldom actually feel supported at support group meetings.

Well, it's good that you're talking. And it's good that he wants things for himself.

When I get tired, I forget how hard he's trying. It doesn't seem like he's doing anything, you know. Then he talks to me, and I can hear all the pain. I just want him to not hurt so much.

I wonder if memory strategies would help him, like a sign on the washing machine that says "OPEN FOR USE BETWEEN 9am and 8 pm" or whatever.

Maybe. I don't know. I'm just really tired right now. I'll think about it when I'm feeling perkier.

[AppinIsobel]

Some days I practice the 4 C's
Other days I don't

"The Four C’s turn out to be the most important --- I didn’t cause it; I can’t cure it; I can’t control it; I can only cope with it."

[fishsandwich]

Ah, that's brilliant! Must remember this 4Cs thing.

[costello]

Originally Posted by AppinIsobel

Some days I practice the 4 C's
Other days I don't

"The Four C’s turn out to be the most important --- I didn’t cause it; I can’t cure it; I can’t control it; I can only cope with it."

Thanks, Isobel.

Actually Al Anon was the only support group I ever really liked at all. They just listen without judging and don't try to fix anything.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

And I don't think it's escaped his notice that other people can do these same things easily.

may i ask what exactly comes easy to other people?

[AppinIsobel]

I do sympathize with your frustrations

"The Four C’s turn out to be the most important
I didn’t cause it; I can’t cure it; I can’t control it; I can only cope with it."

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

may i ask what exactly comes easy to other people?

Things like remembering that the other person in the house finds it difficult to sleep with the lights on when they've told him 90 million times. Remembering to turn the lights off.

My son has a really poor memory. And he has a really hard time focusing his attention. It makes it very hard to do a job. Other people get frustrated with him, because it seems unbelievable that anyone could have so much trouble remembering very simple things.

Usually they think at first that he's retarded. Then when he realize he has normal intelligence, they think he's lazy or inconsiderate or just doesn't care.

Sadly, I think he cares very much - maybe too much.

[costello]

Argh!!! This is why I don't trust. One of the people I talked to this morning said a place in KCMO called Rockhill Manor would be good. So, I google it and find this:

Bedbugs infest KC home for mentally ill

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Associated Press

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- Bedbugs have infested an assisted-living home for the mentally ill in Kansas City and the manager said he's doing all he can to rid the building of the tiny blood-sucking insects.

Rockhill Manor is the first assisted-living facility in the state to be cited by the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services for bedbugs. The owners submitted a plan of correction to the state Friday, after being issued a statement of deficiency from the state Jan. 5.

Rockhill, which has 108 residents, could be fined if managers can't eradicate the infestation, spokeswoman Jacqueline Lapine said.

The facility's administrators did not notify the residents' guardians about the infestation, said Rebbecca Lake Wood, a Jackson County public administrator who is guardian to 40 people living at Rockhill Manor. She said she learned of the problem only after one of her wards begged her to be moved to another residence.

Story continued here: http://www.semissourian.com/story/1701282.html

[costello]

I have to admit that when I think "group home for the mentally ill," it's hard not to have this charming little story leap mind (warning - may be triggering):

http://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/2005/N...5_crt_599.html

A true modern horror story that happened right here in Kansas, and state officials knew about it.

One of the most troubling aspects of this case is the fact that the State of Kansas knew about the terrible abuses for over 20 years, but state agencies were never able to get residents out of the Kaufman house. Over 12 reports of abuse and neglect were made to the State, including four reports from former residents or their families, yet the State seemed powerless to stop the abuse. DRC’s special investigation authority, as the Protection and Advocacy agency, allowed DRC and federal authorities to shut down the Kaufman house in six months, whereas other agencies couldn’t stop the abuse for over 20 years.

http://www.drckansas.org/disability-...an-house-story