[twinarmageddons]

Okay, so this has been bugging me for awhile, and although I have talked about a lot of my various problems in different areas of the forum, there is something that has really been bugging me.

I do not believe that I am schizophrenic, but I do show many symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder, from what I have read, and also very much so Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Of course, I take that as no sort of diagnosis, and know I should address a doctor for a proper diagnosis. Now, my main question revolves around whether or not if you realize something is a delusion, is it no longer a delusion?

I am 17 and about to be 18 in a few months, and ever since I was about 4 years old, I have always had an “obsession” of some sort. I have an overactive imagination, and have pretended I was certain characters, so on, so forth. Typical child’s play. However, I have always taken things a little to the extreme. In most ordeals, I think the things from my obsessions are real.

The most notable thing I can mention is when I see something that is even remotely ironic to my obsession in even the smallest of ways, I will think that it is a “sign” that is meant for me, if that makes any sense. I often think that it is especially a sign that they are in another dimension are going to somehow merge with ours soon, or I in theirs. The thing is though, I utterly BELIEVE that. I also think that they are trying to communicate with me telepathically. I have been like that ever since I was about 4, always thinking that things were happening and things were coming to life. My parents thought, obviously, that it was normal, being an imaginative young child, and granted, maybe I was. But even when I was a kid, I always never differentiated fantasy from real life. But it’s like I never grew out of it, in a sense.


My therapist said she thinks it is a makeup for lack of social outlets, but the thing is, I have had social outlets. Many times. Aside from my severe social anxiety, which is probably caused by my fantasy worlds in the first place which disables me to feel comfortable around real people, I think this is probably a primary factor in to why I don’t want to be around people. And each time I do hang around people, I realized how pointless it was to be around them because they were not going to benefit me and whatever my fantasy world is at the time, and are simply going to hinder me and the equilibrium of leaving this dimension or them coming to mine. I even have memories where these characters were there instead of them.

Another thing is my dreams. Oh, if I dream about something from an obsession, you can bet I am going to wake up in the morning and flip out about it. I think those are the biggest signs of all, and often think that it all actually happened and that I traveled to their dimension and did whatever it is I did there with them.

I should also note that when I am walking around doing whatever daily business I'm doing, I don't imagine myself as me. I imagine myself as a character, usually, and when i am in this mood, I will talk or act or dress like them, although I do not do anything too drastic to attract attention, aside from when I'm at home, where I probably would be considered an extreme nut if I were to act like that in public.

Now, I realize at the end of the day that these thoughts are absolutely absurd, despite the fact that deep down I still believe them. I have told no one this, and am not sure how to. I have tried to talk to my mom about it, but she just gets severely angry with me, and tells me I just have anxiety and that I am trying to make myself “crazy”. She doesn’t understand that I have been living through this since I was 4, and I honestly don’t want to tell her. She would think I was absolutely insane; or even worse, take my obsessions away

My question is, finally, since I am here typing this, does this make my “delusions” no longer delusions? Or were these even delusions in the first place? Is it really just an overactive imagination that is affecting my life this much? I quite literally have no desire to function in the real world other than the utter necessities, which does not include socialization. I don’t really want to change that, either, but I’m just saying.

Any opinions or personal experiences with delusions or anything else is greatly appreciated!

[newtus]

up late. let me try.
i think..i think. i dont know.
i think the difference between schizotypal and schizophrenia is that in schizophrenia psychotic features are the main issues affecting the person. in schizotypal they arent. i think in schizotypal the main issues are being asocial. loner. i think. someone with schizophrenia will have psychotic features as a main issue in their life/daily life. for example.
um.hm.
your question. is it still a delusion? i think thats a question for a doctor really. i mean...
ok so see from my experience..and i realize everyone will read this. but from my experience...very embarrasing but i had thought that i had traveled back in time to 1605 and helped fight catholicism with guy fawkes and saw president kennedy die etc numerous historical events so i thought i knew all about history. more so than my history teacher. so i went to do a history test and basically i caused a stirrup in my college because i thought i was allowed to write my own version of the test cause i knew history cause i went back in time through a spiritual time matrix. (actually very intricate explanation. im trying to make it short). anyway this wasnt a thing that came on real suddenly at all. it built up for months. i had a stressful previous few days and that made me ..idk what to call it/say. idk i just went downhill in a few days. or longer maybe. i cant tell. i dont know.

umm...idk what else to say. thats why i thought a experience might help you. basically the stress buildup really screwed with my head and i acted on this thing and went out in public. got committed by the police cause i caused "public disturbance" because i really thought i was entitled to making my own test because i went back into time. ok. got out of the ER they put me in. with a Dx of psychosis. idk how to describe it better. but something blindsided me i guess i was truly unable to see that it was not true to the point where i guess i just put it into my everyday life because...if it was true it would be apart of my everyday life right? idk. my point being...i really didnt know the truth at the time. and it was really a build up...and then a popping point i guess. everything just melded.
i learned everyones Dx is just very different. i can only give you experiences and what i think. a dx is based on a lot of things not just symptoms. its based on severity..the cause of the symptoms..how much it affects your life..and like schizophrenia is based on a length of time of symptoms..etc.

um lets see. im still up. i have schizoaffective dx. which is a mix of mood and schizophrenia. so hmm. i can tell you the reasons im told i have this...like what psychiatrists said about me. they say its because i have delusions..hallucinations..and cognitive process issues. i can put it real simple on the last. i have memory issues and severe focus issues. ive been told im slow by them and others. how demeaning. plus other crap. hah. oh yea..severe asocial but no one has to tell me that anyway.
anyway yea idk. whoa i wrote a lot. f***ing been 3 hours since i started this.

[fishsandwich]

The explanation that was given to me is that schizotypal PD is the diagnosis given to people who show many of the signs of schizophrenia but do not experience florid psychosis. Schizoaffective is like bipolar with hallucinations and paranoia. I have no idea if that helps.

But the thing is, the diagnostic categories are both subjective and blurry. It's not uncommon to have multiple diagnoses, or to range between them depending on the symptoms at the time, or to have them changed when the mental health professional in charge changes. In my relatively short time in psychiatry, I was diagnosed with: depression, anxiety, OCD, PMDD, bipolar II and I, schizoaffective, schizotypal PD, schizoid PD, borderline personality, schizophrenia and psychosis NOS.
Basically, I learned that the diagnosis means **** all so long as you can find the coping strategies that work for you. Also good to know is that the drugs you might get from a psychiatrist are not especially correlative with the diagnosis; all the drugs are given for all the wide range of categories at some places.
Also if you can at all avoid it, getting the more serious diagnoses can have an impact on your ability to take out things like pritave medical, life, or travel insurance in the future; it can also affect your entry to certain careers. That's something I wish I had been aware of before I let them label me.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

My question is, finally, since I am here typing this, does this make my “delusions” no longer delusions? Or were these even delusions in the first place? Is it really just an overactive imagination that is affecting my life this much? I quite literally have no desire to function in the real world other than the utter necessities, which does not include socialization. I don’t really want to change that, either, but I’m just saying.

Well, I've been told that I have delusions. I probably do. I "know" a lot of things are true that the rest of the world does not, and I will not change that knowledge for any reason. However, I'm always able to identify which are my delusions and constrain them a bit. It sounds like you're able to do the same -- so you can choose, probably, whether you think they're delusions or something else

[newtus]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Schizoaffective is like bipolar with hallucinations and paranoia...

it can be.
but i have schizoaffective with depressive subtype.
theres two subtypes. bipolar/depressive.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

...Also if you can at all avoid it, getting the more serious diagnoses can have an impact on your ability to take out things like private life, medical or travel insurance in the future; it can also affect your entry to certain careers. That's something I wish I had been aware of before I let them label me.

..didnt know that. ive heard something like that. though.
my whole lifes f**ked now.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

it can be.
but i have schizoaffective with depressive subtype.
theres two subtypes. bipolar/depressive.

Ah yes, thank you for correcting me on that.

Originally Posted by newtus

..didnt know that. ive heard something like that. though.
my whole lifes f**ked now.

Not true! Just . . . more difficult. And it's getting better. They've just changed the law in America that you can't be charged more for health insurance based on pre-existing conditions
None of us will ever be able to work for the CIA, though :P They don't let in people with psychosis.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

None of us will ever be able to work for the CIA, though :P They don't let in people with psychosis.

THATS WHAT MY DAD SAID.
he said "i was thinking about putting you on disability but you may not be able to get jobs"
i said "what??? like what???"
he said "like for the cia or fbi or government jobs"
i said "uh...i wouldnt anyway"

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

THATS WHAT MY DAD SAID.
he said "i was thinking about putting you on disability but you may not be able to get jobs"
i said "what??? like what???"
he said "like for the cia or fbi or government jobs"
i said "uh...i wouldnt anyway"

Haha, apparently working for the CIA is a more common aspiration than I thought.
It's not true about all government jobs, though. I know in Britain I can still be a civil servant or a politician, I just can't be a spy
I can't be a lawyer in Canada, though (or not in my province). That's why I stayed in the UK. :'(

[Gr3tta]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

Now, my main question revolves around whether or not if you realize something is a delusion, is it no longer a delusion?"

This is a good question. The answer I have makes sense in my head, but I don't know how much sense it will make to you. I will try though.
The distinction I work on making is the difference between "real to me," and "real to you." For example: I often see different kinds of birds sitting or hopping on people's heads and shoulders. This is very real to me. I can see them clearly, see the person's hair moving around the bird's talons, hear the rustling of their feathers, sometimes even smell them. (Real to me) However, if I pay close attention, I will note that the person has a total lack of reaction to the bird sitting on their head. And that no one else is reacting to it at all. (NOT real to you) So, the fact that I realize I'm the only one seeing it makes it a "hallucination," or "delusion," but it's still very much real to me. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that's the best way I can think to put it.

"Now, I realize at the end of the day that these thoughts are absolutely absurd, despite the fact that deep down I still believe them.

I wonder if this is a case of you convincing yourself? Like telling a lie so many times, that even though you knew it was a lie in the beginning, you start believing it yourself?
I don't mean that in a negative way at all. Just that it sounds like that at some point or in some way you do know the difference between the reality and the "obsession," but somewhere in there have become confused about where that line is.

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by newtus

up late. let me try.
i think..i think. i dont know.
i think the difference between schizotypal and schizophrenia is that in schizophrenia psychotic features are the main issues affecting the person. in schizotypal they arent. i think in schizotypal the main issues are being asocial. loner. i think. someone with schizophrenia will have psychotic features as a main issue in their life/daily life. for example.
um.hm.
your question. is it still a delusion? i think thats a question for a doctor really. i mean...
ok so see from my experience..and i realize everyone will read this. but from my experience...very embarrasing but i had thought that i had traveled back in time to 1605 and helped fight catholicism with guy fawkes and saw president kennedy die etc numerous historical events so i thought i knew all about history. more so than my history teacher. so i went to do a history test and basically i caused a stirrup in my college because i thought i was allowed to write my own version of the test cause i knew history cause i went back in time through a spiritual time matrix. (actually very intricate explanation. im trying to make it short). anyway this wasnt a thing that came on real suddenly at all. it built up for months. i had a stressful previous few days and that made me ..idk what to call it/say. idk i just went downhill in a few days. or longer maybe. i cant tell. i dont know.

umm...idk what else to say. thats why i thought a experience might help you. basically the stress buildup really screwed with my head and i acted on this thing and went out in public. got committed by the police cause i caused "public disturbance" because i really thought i was entitled to making my own test because i went back into time. ok. got out of the ER they put me in. with a Dx of psychosis. idk how to describe it better. but something blindsided me i guess i was truly unable to see that it was not true to the point where i guess i just put it into my everyday life because...if it was true it would be apart of my everyday life right? idk. my point being...i really didnt know the truth at the time. and it was really a build up...and then a popping point i guess. everything just melded.
i learned everyones Dx is just very different. i can only give you experiences and what i think. a dx is based on a lot of things not just symptoms. its based on severity..the cause of the symptoms..how much it affects your life..and like schizophrenia is based on a length of time of symptoms..etc.

um lets see. im still up. i have schizoaffective dx. which is a mix of mood and schizophrenia. so hmm. i can tell you the reasons im told i have this...like what psychiatrists said about me. they say its because i have delusions..hallucinations..and cognitive process issues. i can put it real simple on the last. i have memory issues and severe focus issues. ive been told im slow by them and others. how demeaning. plus other crap. hah. oh yea..severe asocial but no one has to tell me that anyway.
anyway yea idk. whoa i wrote a lot. f***ing been 3 hours since i started this.

Wow! That's very insightful, thank you! I'm sorry to hear about your problems, also, that can't possibly be too much fun. I am not quite sure my delusions are nearly extreme as yours were, and I hallucinate very very rarely. So basically...I'm still not sure, ehehe. But your answer is very helpful, nonetheless!

I have a feeling I might be in the middle of the spectrum somewhere. Schizotypal, maybe? I am extremely asocial.

But I do not know if my features could be considered psychotic. I do not personally think I've had episodes that can be considered completely psychotic, but I have no clue. Really, I don't. I guess this will just have to be explained to the doctor today. Sigh. I am not looking forward to that at all. I think I am just going to print this out and give it to him.

And wow, yes, I'm the same way! I have a terrible time focusing, and basically cannot recall what I did last week or even the previous days without a lot of thought. And people think this of me too, people always think I'm an airhead and not quite there and stuff like that.

And haha, I did the same thing with my post! No worries! I think I took close to three hours too, hehe. I always tend to type much more than I originally planned.

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

The explanation that was given to me is that schizotypal PD is the diagnosis given to people who show many of the signs of schizophrenia but do not experience florid psychosis. Schizoaffective is like bipolar with hallucinations and paranoia. I have no idea if that helps.

But the thing is, the diagnostic categories are both subjective and blurry. It's not uncommon to have multiple diagnoses, or to range between them depending on the symptoms at the time, or to have them changed when the mental health professional in charge changes. In my relatively short time in psychiatry, I was diagnosed with: depression, anxiety, OCD, PMDD, bipolar II and I, schizoaffective, schizotypal PD, schizoid PD, borderline personality, schizophrenia and psychosis NOS.
Basically, I learned that the diagnosis means **** all so long as you can find the coping strategies that work for you. Also good to know is that the drugs you might get from a psychiatrist are not especially correlative with the diagnosis; all the drugs are given for all the wide range of categories at some places.
Also if you can at all avoid it, getting the more serious diagnoses can have an impact on your ability to take out things like pritave medical, life, or travel insurance in the future; it can also affect your entry to certain careers. That's something I wish I had been aware of before I let them label me.

Ah, I see! Thanks for your input! Yes, from what I have read, those with schizotypal PD don't tend to have bad psychosis, if any at all. And I personally think I have not had any full-on psychotic episodes...but then again, I can't really be sure. And I have had some hallucinations, but very very rarely, so that could honestly just be my mind playing tricks on me. And yes, I certainly am trying to find ways to cope. Though, it's like I don't really want to cope, if that makes sense. I know, very counter-productive, but it's true, sadly. It really inhibits me from having any ambition, and that's true for a lot of things I do. It's just simply a very apathetic view towards certain things.

And yes, I know! I am quite afraid of that, in all honesty. I'm scared to be labeled something major, but I do not know what else to do, really, or who to turn to. My mom gets so angry with me for my apathy and dislike towards going out with friends. The only people I like going out with is my family. Period.

Anyways, again, thanks for your input! Very helpful!

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

This is a good question. The answer I have makes sense in my head, but I don't know how much sense it will make to you. I will try though.
The distinction I work on making is the difference between "real to me," and "real to you." For example: I often see different kinds of birds sitting or hopping on people's heads and shoulders. This is very real to me. I can see them clearly, see the person's hair moving around the bird's talons, hear the rustling of their feathers, sometimes even smell them. (Real to me) However, if I pay close attention, I will note that the person has a total lack of reaction to the bird sitting on their head. And that no one else is reacting to it at all. (NOT real to you) So, the fact that I realize I'm the only one seeing it makes it a "hallucination," or "delusion," but it's still very much real to me. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that's the best way I can think to put it.



I wonder if this is a case of you convincing yourself? Like telling a lie so many times, that even though you knew it was a lie in the beginning, you start believing it yourself?
I don't mean that in a negative way at all. Just that it sounds like that at some point or in some way you do know the difference between the reality and the "obsession," but somewhere in there have become confused about where that line is.

I see! That's very helpful, thank you! I definitely do not hallucinate, which is what drives me very far away from having schizophrenia. Well, come to think of it, I have had minor hallucinations, but they were probably just my mind playing tricks on me.

This is what leads me further into thinking that Schizotypal may be a possibility, since that Dx doesn't typically have any full-blown psychotic features, but includes having a rampant fantasy life. At least, so i've heard. Not sure how true that is completely!


And this is very possible! I am really not sure at all, to answer your question...which is no help at all, eheh. I have a very skewed line between reality and fantasy, like you said, that is for sure. The line between them is very blurry, and I don't really know what to do or think about them! Like you said though, I can differentiate between the two. But a good way to explain it, is that it feels like I am living a separate life apart from everyone else. It's really quite strange.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

I am not quite sure my delusions are nearly extreme as yours were...

never thought of them as extreme..but thanks. sarcastically.

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

I have a terrible time focusing, and basically cannot recall what I did last week or even the previous days without a lot of thought.

i cant remember what i did 5 seconds ago a lot. comes with focus troubles. short term memory whatever idk. a bit disorganized. i put sh** like my keys in the dryer. leave ovens and water running. i left an oven on for two days. i left milk in my bathroom cabinet. this stuff is often unfortunately. very very often. multiple daily.

oh god..not to mention hair straighteners. ive been SO close to burning stuff down..omg...

you know...it doesnt sound so bad when i think about it nonbunched up in my head...but it kinda sounds really really really bad..heh....wow...

i should say this at mhmr since focus is one of my main concerns.

jesus...i sound like..bad..like..idk.....i sound like someone who cant take care of themselves...i didnt want to say that...f*** it.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

And I personally think I have not had any full-on psychotic episodes...but then again, I can't really be sure.

I think this is one of those circumstances where the adage 'what you don't know won't kill you' applies.

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

And yes, I certainly am trying to find ways to cope.

Well, ask or have a nose 'round if you have any questions!

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

Though, it's like I don't really want to cope, if that makes sense. I know, very counter-productive, but it's true, sadly.

Makes sense to me. I go through phases where I get a very '**** you world, why is it me who has to struggle to adapt to your reality; why can't you tolerate mine for a while?' As you say though, that's counterproductive.

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

My mom gets so angry with me for my apathy and dislike towards going out with friends. The only people I like going out with is my family. Period.

Far be it from me to decide, but that hardly sounds like a mental illness. It sounds like you just haven't met anyone other than your family that you like to go out with. Did you say you're 17?! Still in school, I imagine . . . I don't think I had a real friend I did 'friend things' with until I was out of school, because when you're young it's difficult to meet people if you just so happen not to get on with anybody in your class.

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by newtus

never thought of them as extreme..but thanks. sarcastically.


i cant remember what i did 5 seconds ago a lot. comes with focus troubles. short term memory whatever idk. a bit disorganized. i put sh** like my keys in the dryer. leave ovens and water running. i left an oven on for two days. i left milk in my bathroom cabinet. this stuff is often unfortunately. very very often. multiple daily.

oh god..not to mention hair straighteners. ive been SO close to burning stuff down..omg...

you know...it doesnt sound so bad when i think about it nonbunched up in my head...but it kinda sounds really really really bad..heh....wow...

i should say this at mhmr since focus is one of my main concerns.

jesus...i sound like..bad..like..idk.....i sound like someone who cant take care of themselves...i didnt want to say that...f*** it.

Oh my goodness, I really didn't mean it in that way! D: I don't mean quite "extreme", I just meant that in the sense that I usually do not experience hallucinations. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to be offensive, if it came off that way...I'm sorry, I'm really terrible with words, and often don't think before I say (or type) something. I should have been more clear.

I see. I'm sorry, that must be so troubling! I do that a lot too, actually, my mom always has to remind me that I left the straightener on and gets on to me about that.
And no, I don't think you sound bad! :33 Thanks so much for your input!

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I think this is one of those circumstances where the adage 'what you don't know won't kill you' applies.



Well, ask or have a nose 'round if you have any questions!


Makes sense to me. I go through phases where I get a very '**** you world, why is it me who has to struggle to adapt to your reality; why can't you tolerate mine for a while?' As you say though, that's counterproductive.

Far be it from me to decide, but that hardly sounds like a mental illness. It sounds like you just haven't met anyone other than your family that you like to go out with. Did you say you're 17?! Still in school, I imagine . . . I don't think I had a real friend I did 'friend things' with until I was out of school, because when you're young it's difficult to meet people if you just so happen not to get on with anybody in your class.

Haha, very true! :33

And thanks, I certainly will. Actually, would you mind telling me ways how you cope with your problems? If you don't mind my asking. I know they are not the same as mine, but I'd really like a little insight, nonetheless.

And hehe, yes, that's really exactly how I get!!

And yes, I'm 17, but I graduated High School early at 16. I just finished my Freshman year of college. With friends, still no luck or interest to have them. I have had a number of friends in the past, but I feel like I do not want any friends unless they are going to be in the same fantasy land as me and want to talk to me about that all the time. Selfish, I know. But it's how I think about things, nonetheless.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

And thanks, I certainly will. Actually, would you mind telling me ways how you cope with your problems? If you don't mind my asking. I know they are not the same as mine, but I'd really like a little insight, nonetheless.

Oh um, well. Lots of ways, really. My biggest thing is having goals - lots and lots of goals. I guess having things I want gives me a reason to stay well. I exercise, which is also a 'goal' thing for me. I ran a marathon a few weeks ago; my next goal is to run three marathons in one year. I'm also very academic and I have a lot of 'book learning' goals. I made a career goal for myself when I stopped taking psych drugs. I have financial goals; like I have a savings goal. I'm looking into an (admittedly very bizarre) coping strategy, which is to purchase certain investments which get liquidated if their owner loses mental capacity. Then I lose money if I go nuts!! Ha. That might be taking it a bit too far.

What else . . . hrrrm.
I have a special diet - which I'm currently reviewing.
I do yoga in addition to the running.
I have a kickass, eccentric therapist who takes a really different approach and has helped me a lot.
I think routines are very important; getting up and sleeping at the same time every day no matter what is going on. Eating at regular intervals. My body gets really angry at me if it doesn't know roughly what's coming next.
I avoid caffeine as much as possible. But eh, I'm (almost!) a lawyer, I think it's a law we have to drink coffee!! I don't drink alcohol, though.
Meditation. I'm getting better at this as I practice. I've heard a lot about how meditation is better than therapies like CBT because with CBT you learn to repress/divert bad thoughts, but with mediation you learn to simply sit with them.
I own very few things. I don't know why, but the more 'stuff' I have the more unwell I feel.

Sorry, that probably sounds like a hopelessly random list of crap. It is! I had to nose around a lot in my own life and figure out the things that worked for me. I did a hell of a lot of reading in self-help books, religion/spirituality books, cookbooks, diet books, personal finance -- everything. I picked out strategies that appealed to me and tried them. Some worked, many didn't.

[ETA: I forgot to add that I also started getting acupuncture and seeing a Chinese/alternative medicine practitioner recently. I noticed that my nuttery is closely linked to my hormones, so I'm going on a quest to sort that **** out.]

Originally Posted by twinarmageddons

And yes, I'm 17, but I graduated High School early at 16. I just finished my Freshman year of college. With friends, still no luck or interest to have them. I have had a number of friends in the past, but I feel like I do not want any friends unless they are going to be in the same fantasy land as me and want to talk to me about that all the time. Selfish, I know. But it's how I think about things, nonetheless.

Oh wow, we're very similar! I graduated when I was sixteen, too. I was in my first year of university when I was 16/17, and I moved to Greece for it. It was a very lonely time! The men in Greece have to do military service once they graduate from school, so often I was in classes with women two years my senior and men four or five years my senior!! Unsurprisingly, I didn't have much in common with the other students.

Anyway, that's dull. What do you study?

[newtus]

hm me too.
i graduated at 17. started college at 17.
then everything went downhill

[fishsandwich]

What were you studying, Newtus? If you could go back to uni, would you? Would you study the same thing?

[newtus]

i would LOVE to.
but i have so much trouble in school. too much to tell.
but its shown i cant do it.
i began studying filmmaking. tried to get a filmmaking degree.
didnt even begin my basics really. i just..couldnt keep up. failed.
it starts as far back as junior high though.

just a huge mess i wish was taken more seriously.
i dont now so much but i asked for tons of help as a teen. everywhere. i started having paranoia/hallucininations and focus issues then. i was ignored. by teachers/counselors/parents/psychiatrists, etc. seriously. thats when i gave up but then i learned about psychiatry and grew to despise it. didnt like it then but whatever.

im just POd about that almost everyday of my life.
because i know if people would have helped me. anyone. and LISTENED TO ME. instead of judging me. i could have made higher school grades and done college better. everything got ****ed up because i was called lazy. but then they later said no i wasnt lazy. and all this stuff.

i just said f**k it. i missed the marks i was supposed to hit in my personal milestones. f**ked everything up. thats my one biggest regret is school. but F**K it. yea thats right.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

i would LOVE to.
but i have so much trouble in school. too much to tell.

Originally Posted by newtus

but its shown i cant do it.

Untrue. It's show you haven't been able to do it so far. If you WANT to go back to school, then let's find out what you need to get back there - in terms of support, treatment, upgrading classes, whatever. We can help on here, and I know there are people to help in real life but you have to look really really hard sometimes.

Originally Posted by newtus

i began studying filmmaking. tried to get a filmmaking degree.

That's awesome! You must be so creative. You mentioned drawing and drumming also. Do you ever make films sometimes?
I'm always a bit jealous of creative people

Originally Posted by newtus

just a huge mess i wish was taken more seriously.
i dont now so much but i asked for tons of help as a teen. everywhere. i started having paranoia/hallucininations and focus issues then. i was ignored. by teachers/counselors/parents/psychiatrists, etc. seriously. thats when i gave up but then i learned about psychiatry and grew to despise it. didnt like it then but whatever.

I'm sorry people treated you that way. I think sometimes people navel-gaze so much, they act callously without realising how much pain others are in.

Originally Posted by newtus

im just POd about that almost everyday of my life.
because i know if people would have helped me. anyone. and LISTENED TO ME. instead of judging me. i could have made higher school grades and done college better. everything got ****ed up because i was called lazy. but then they later said no i wasnt lazy. and all this stuff.

I think the key thing is to not feel like all is lost. I know that's really bloody difficult. But hun, no matter how **** people treat you or how much **** has come before, you have to think it's possible to change or nothing will change. If you don't like what is the case right now, then don't accept it. Just because something is the case doesn't mean it ought to be the case.

Originally Posted by newtus

i just said f**k it. i missed the marks i was supposed to hit in my personal milestones. f**ked everything up. thats my one biggest regret is school. but F**K it. yea thats right.

**** it indeed!
Do you know how ****ed up my law degree was? It took me six years to get; it's supposed to take three. The first four years I was on the psych drugs and in and out of hospital, and that just ****ed up everything. I failed so many things. I got a marginal pass in criminal law because I (literally) fell asleep halfway through the exam. I had to repeat one course FOUR YEARS IN A ROW. But then I started taking care of myself right and it gradually started to improve.
I think the thing to take away from that is that it's never too late, k? It might take a long time to get there, but it's never too late.

[newtus]

no. f**k school. i mean.
ive had enough! ok!
everytime im in school i end up in the hospital. i have no money. i have no mom to pay. my dad has no money. idk how to do the job *****. id rather die. my experience is too much to show you its not going to work. but i have to tell you honestly. i used and exhausted every resource. they wouldnt let me use them anymore. its too much to go into detail. buut i cant. now....im kicked out. of two for mental health disruptions. ok? delusional in public. ok? not proud. but after this point i dont want to think of it anymore. for 5 months now ive been on the edge of not caring anymore. i slipped off already. im starting to care less and less. i just really dont.
im trying to reduce use on things like forums like when i reduced my social network use and deleted all my accounts ..my youtube. everything. just evreything. i fell off the planet for family and "friend(s)". im glad. theres something very beautiful in macabre.

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Oh um, well. Lots of ways, really. My biggest thing is having goals - lots and lots of goals. I guess having things I want gives me a reason to stay well. I exercise, which is also a 'goal' thing for me. I ran a marathon a few weeks ago; my next goal is to run three marathons in one year. I'm also very academic and I have a lot of 'book learning' goals. I made a career goal for myself when I stopped taking psych drugs. I have financial goals; like I have a savings goal. I'm looking into an (admittedly very bizarre) coping strategy, which is to purchase certain investments which get liquidated if their owner loses mental capacity. Then I lose money if I go nuts!! Ha. That might be taking it a bit too far.

What else . . . hrrrm.
I have a special diet - which I'm currently reviewing.
I do yoga in addition to the running.
I have a kickass, eccentric therapist who takes a really different approach and has helped me a lot.
I think routines are very important; getting up and sleeping at the same time every day no matter what is going on. Eating at regular intervals. My body gets really angry at me if it doesn't know roughly what's coming next.
I avoid caffeine as much as possible. But eh, I'm (almost!) a lawyer, I think it's a law we have to drink coffee!! I don't drink alcohol, though.
Meditation. I'm getting better at this as I practice. I've heard a lot about how meditation is better than therapies like CBT because with CBT you learn to repress/divert bad thoughts, but with mediation you learn to simply sit with them.
I own very few things. I don't know why, but the more 'stuff' I have the more unwell I feel.

Sorry, that probably sounds like a hopelessly random list of crap. It is! I had to nose around a lot in my own life and figure out the things that worked for me. I did a hell of a lot of reading in self-help books, religion/spirituality books, cookbooks, diet books, personal finance -- everything. I picked out strategies that appealed to me and tried them. Some worked, many didn't.

[ETA: I forgot to add that I also started getting acupuncture and seeing a Chinese/alternative medicine practitioner recently. I noticed that my nuttery is closely linked to my hormones, so I'm going on a quest to sort that **** out.]

Oh wow, we're very similar! I graduated when I was sixteen, too. I was in my first year of university when I was 16/17, and I moved to Greece for it. It was a very lonely time! The men in Greece have to do military service once they graduate from school, so often I was in classes with women two years my senior and men four or five years my senior!! Unsurprisingly, I didn't have much in common with the other students.

Anyway, that's dull. What do you study?

Wow! That's a lot of stuff, that sounds busy, but I really admire you for that, having all those goals and activities you do! See, I have a problem with doing things, especially clubs/activities, thanks to not only my severe anxiety, but also the fact I have no motivation whatsoever. That has always been a problem for me even since i was very small; I have no motivation to do much of anything, and school and my studies have always come relatively easy for me, so I rarely studied. I quickly realized at the start of college that attitude was not going to fly, but I still study very minimally and am still able to make good grades. (And believe me, I am NOT bragging as you will see here in a moment.)

The thing is, I really am bad a math, and most sciences aside from Biology, which I am okay with. I went into college originally wanting to be a Neurologist and go to medical school, but I completely dashed that within the first few weeks of starting. My Biology class was difficult to my surprise, and then my Pre-Cal class was just absolutely excruciating. When things get too tough, I just quit. Extreme laziness I suppose, but that's how I always have been, even since I was younger. When trying to study for math or bio, I would end up doodling or getting distracted by something very easily, just like a little kid, eheh.

So since I love art and like to draw, and do digital drawings/coloring, I figured I would try for an Art degree and become a teacher or something. But after taking an Art History class this most recent semester, I realized how much I miss taking history classes and learning about cultures and other areas of the world and their pasts, so I finally switched my major to History. I plan to get my PhD and become a professor in that field somewhere, now. :33

And that is very ambitious, a lawyer! I know I could never do that, I just have no guts! I could never talk and argue in front of people, eheh. More power to ya!

EDIT:
Oh, I have to have a special diet too! Eheh. I kind of stray from it sometimes though, which always ends up in pain. In Fall Semester of 2011, I began getting very sick. I have always had some stomach problems, but they progressed until they got worse and worse, until in early December, I simply had been unable to hold down any food whatsoever. I found myself losing 12 pounds when I am already relatively skinny (Or, so people say. I have extreme anxiety about my weight despite the fact I am 5'3 and 113 pounds, which is supposedly normal.)

I was hospitalized and had to stay in the hospital for a week to get a whole bunch of tests done, and I had to have a procedure done as well. Turns out, I have a hiatal hernia, severe inflammation of the stomach, and the pyloric valve, which is the opening from the stomach to the intestines, was almost completely closed off, and they had to balloon it open via endoscopy.

That was not fun at all. But I am doing better now with my P. Valve open, and am on lots of medication and enzymes to keep me from getting sick so easily. :33

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

no. f**k school. i mean.
ive had enough! ok!

Well, if you've had enough that's something else then!

Originally Posted by newtus

everytime im in school i end up in the hospital. i have no money. i have no mom to pay. my dad has no money.

Yeah, money is always a huge concern.

Originally Posted by newtus

my experience is too much to show you its not going to work.

I'm one of those annoying people who believes there is almost always a way.

Originally Posted by newtus

now....im kicked out. of two for mental health disruptions. ok? delusional in public. ok? not proud. but after this point i dont want to think of it anymore.

Is that even legal? My last university tried to have me kicked out when I got diagnosed . . . turns out it's against the law. Majorly against the law, they had to pay exemplary damages and everything.

Originally Posted by newtus

for 5 months now ive been on the edge of not caring anymore. i slipped off already. im starting to care less and less. i just really dont.

I don't want you to give up I'm sorry you feel so incredibly hopeless.

[twinarmageddons]

Originally Posted by newtus

no. f**k school. i mean.
ive had enough! ok!
everytime im in school i end up in the hospital. i have no money. i have no mom to pay. my dad has no money. idk how to do the job *****. id rather die. my experience is too much to show you its not going to work. but i have to tell you honestly. i used and exhausted every resource. they wouldnt let me use them anymore. its too much to go into detail. buut i cant. now....im kicked out. of two for mental health disruptions. ok? delusional in public. ok? not proud. but after this point i dont want to think of it anymore. for 5 months now ive been on the edge of not caring anymore. i slipped off already. im starting to care less and less. i just really dont.
im trying to reduce use on things like forums like when i reduced my social network use and deleted all my accounts ..my youtube. everything. just evreything. i fell off the planet for family and "friend(s)". im glad. theres something very beautiful in macabre.

Awh, I'm sorry to hear about all that. Yeah, school isn't for everyone, I know how that can be. If school keeps bringing you back to the hospital, like you said, it might be best to just keep away from it. And I definitely understand that whole not caring thing. I seem to be slipping further into that rut too, sadly. :c