Roll Call Take Two

sometimes i wonder if its not just that. if schizophrenia is not just a stir pot of all the disorders in one to varying degrees no wonder its the cancer of it all. would make sense in many ways. the speech part would be what would top it off and make it essentially full schizophrenia. idk. im convinced people with schizophrenia get depressed. im not convinced schizoaffective is "light" or "mild" schizophrenia. i just believe its that. some with schizoaffective you cant tell them apart from schizophrenia and vice versa sometimes i bet.

i failed to mention my minds been on it a lot lately because im faced with getting disability but wasnt sure if i wanted it. or needed it. turns out i do says both my doctors and family. but also that leaves me thinking about it all. thinking about what it means have to this disorder. and face that it is most likely true for myself.

It's quite a bewildering struggle. You need hope to overcome the downward spiral and grow where you can, yet the experience is often so hopeless. You don't want to admit defeat - you have to survive. To admit defeat is like dying in your soul. So we fight with everything we can. We get told we have "anosognosia" and don't realise how sick we are (another kick in the nuts of hope). Then when we fail to function adequately, we get the benefits of social rejection or scorn (another kick), and we have to recognise we need help. We find ourselves unemployable, or building up a stockpile of failure experiences that nail hope to the coffin lid from the inside. So when we find ourselves considering the status of "disabled" and dependent (on the state or our families) we kind of have to justify to ourselves and others that we really are sick enough to be such a burden. So we embrace a label and identify with a diagnosis. Wow! That sure is motivating for recovery. (sarcasm).

I think our pdocs need to understand this dynamic and the need for survival of our souls before they tick the box "anosognosia" or "non-compliant". Or perhaps they do, but their idea of recovery from mental disability is somewhat tempered with expectations of failure.

yea..thats exactly what im saying...i dont like it. i dont have any other immediate or semi immediate choices either. i might have futures choices but if i wait any longer i might as well admit now if i wait id prob harm myself. and/or burden others.

my supposed delusional state isnt that delusional to me.

I think what you really need is a safe space to recover and grow. My pdoc emphasised that reducing stress is important for my recovery. Since you are at risk of harming yourself, a loving and supportive environment seems most important for you right now.

If disability status gives you that space, then it can be helpful. But if you find you are later barred from participating in productive activities needed to develop lost skills or you lose your living allowance, that can be detrimental to recovery.

i live with my dad. which is my only option for a loving supportive environment. my relationship with my mom is horrible and being around her hasnt been loving OR supportive since i was born. next thing would be living alone.

i base my experience with jobs close to school. what i mean is..i can barely do school. my sister seems to think i have more choices in life. i have choices but on either end i have to sacrifice some part of my life and either end is major. meds no meds...side effects of each...disability or not...etc
i try to get involved with people and when i do some symptoms go away for a bit like a week. then they start getting full blown thats why i dont get involved with people.

many times i feel like it was a huge mistake i came on any forum.

I asked my son to drop his dose of Zyprexa from 6.25 to 5 mg a couple of weeks ago, because he was so depressed and unmotivated. He was doing nothing and almost never leaving the house. I was afraid he was on his way to agoraphobia - he was so scared to have any contact with anyone.

Anyway I was pretty worried because last time he dropped to 5 he started having odd thoughts and became very angry and aggressive toward me. We talked about it, and he seems to have made a commitment not to be aggressive. I think it also helps that I'm not "hovering" as much. I'm not asking him how he's doing all the time - or what he's thinking about. He knew that was code for "are you crazy?" and it irritated him. I'm also trying to not do other things that irritate him - like singing or being too happy around the house.

So this attempt is more successful than the last one. I don't know if it's because he's trying harder or I'm trying harder or having the step down of 6.25 helped (last time he dropped right from 7.5 to 5) or he's just in a different place mentally, but this time it seems to be working as I'd hoped. He's more relaxed. He's leaving the house. He's been out playing basketball, doing his own grocery shopping, and buying some new clothes. He was out until about midnight Saturday. I'm worried he was at a bar, but he wasn't drunk when he came home, so ... [not hovering, not hovering].

The pdoc doesn't know about this change yet. My son had an appointment last week with him, but we agreed we wouldn't tell him until we saw how it worked out. If things continue going well, we can tell him at the next appointment.

I always fantasize about getting that dose down really really low - or even getting him off the medication altogether. I think any future reductions will have to be tiny.

Why's that?

its just more lonely. im lonelier when i had friends than i am when im actually alone and completely shut off from society.

Sounds familiar

That is fantastic! I'm sure it's not easy for him, but that is an admirable step!

My wife has struggled with this one. Sometimes it is very difficult to verbalise what is going on in our minds. How do you begin to describe something that is so alien to most people without sounding like you are describing a bizarre sci-fi scene and still not conveying the pain and confusion?
Sometimes it takes me a while to find a way of expressing it, but other times (more common), I just try to avoid being too detailed. "Struggling with feelings" or something relatively meaningless may be better than using a worn out cliche like "the 'voices' are being mean again".

This one really tickled me - one of my daughters gets very frustrated by her younger sister (who is a happy little soul who lives in her own world, but makes loads of random repetitive sounds and ridiculous songs). But I understand how distressing that joyful exuberance can be when in the grips of a horrible episode, and all sounds and movement feel like a low speed dentist's drill boring into your skull. You just want to cut out as much input as possible to give your electrocuted senses a rest.

Sounds positive. Holding thumbs and big toes for you.

The pain of relating to people worse than the pain of isolation...
I find both really unbearable, which is a dangerous place to be in. Fortunately for me, this isn't constant.
I hope your friends on PC give you more hope and love than pain

I can understand that. People can be painful.

I totally understand where you are coming, as I feel shut off from society as people don't understand. I came on these forums to talk to people going through similar experiences.

My nurse doesn't like me using forums, thinks people will encourage me to stop my meds and she doesn't like when people agree with me, she says it's not helpful.

What if we promise to always disagree with you? Would that be more helpful?

For her yeah lol.

Not many people talk to me on here much now though - so it doesn't really matter.

Hey! I'm just trying hard not to put you off your meds
And I'm not that talkative most of the time anyway

My sister's back from Austria. I knew my mom had memory problems - potentially dementia - but I guess she was really bad on this trip. She kept thinking she was in Kansas and wondering where her car was. She ate one meal the whole time (5 or 6 days) but had lots and lots of candy. She was really confused and was aware of her confusion and was worried about it. She even walked around the hotel room naked in front of my sister's student.

I just feel sick about this.

I'm here. Mom's visiting for two weeks. So far it's going really well.

Ugh don't know what to do the nightmares are just getting worse

I talked to my mom last night. She was so excited. She wants to go back to Austria some time.

I haven't heard her so happy and giddy before. She's clearly confused, but she was so happy! At one point she was telling me something about the bike paths or walking paths or something, and she said, "I didn't remember they had those." Since she's never been there before, it's not surprising she wouldn't remember that. My sister says she'd look out the train window and say, "Now, what county is this?" thinking she was in Kansas somewhere. Or she'd pull out her car keys and ask where she'd left her car so she could drive home.

But she was so happy. I'm so glad she went even if it was apparently a huge strain on her. My thanks to Austra - a country which I'd previously not thought much about. Isn't that where The Sound of Music story is from? What language do they speak? German?

Yes, they speak German in a very funny way, and the Sound of Music was set mostly in and around Salzburg.

/here and am acting as a tour guide anyway this week

no sleeping again tonight.
very stressed.
very paranoid.
i dont want disability anymore.
its not the wait. its the privacy i feel im going to lose.
im an idiot. i really am...

why do i have to admit to this s**t.
psychiatry messed me up.
not me or my genetics or life.
cause obviously if i never got involved in this system i wouldnt have a Dx.
of anything.
id be normal.

what would happen if i missed dose of latuda?

im having horrible visions..