Roll Call Four

it doesnt mean i like things sugarcoated.
it means i dont like talking about stuff at all.
if anyone makes the situation embarrassing its always me.

i swear if some family member tells me how im too rude to people one more time ill yell!!! IDC ABOUT PEOPLE. they can GOTO hell!

everytime a mental health pro finds out enough about me - i split. thats just how i am.

i seem to be...the exception to the rule. when it comes to people. overall.

sorry. i think im having some anger. something ticked me off.

i kept getting angry when this pdoc told me "your just severely severely bipolar". he never listened to me when i DID say stuff. then i tried to get my wisdom teeth taken out and idk why i had to send some s**T in about some meds i was taking. but he put my diagnosis on the surgery sheet. my pdoc at that time did. idk why that was needed. and he put bipolar. he was the worst pdoc ive ever had. he ruined my ability to get help at college because i needed a letter from my pdoc and he NEVER sent it in. NEVER. so as long as im at that college i cant get certain help you know? because i ran past the window of timeframe to get a letter from my pdoc. that idiot told me he sent in a letter every freaking time i confronted him. that was my last straw. he put me on so much meds i almost got diabetes. stupid motherf**ker.

im sorry you guys for screaming at you all.

edit//
hm. now that ive allowed the medication to wear off twice. it seems to curb my anger. but is it worth it? to feel all physically tired just to curb all the symptoms. i mean i feel like. you know wann how i feel? i feel like my personality is being drugged. thats what i think.

The credit card company rep. is an imbecile and I do believe I am lucid.

now its like wtf am i SUPPOSED to say on facebook? f**k this. im saying what i want.

sick of having to hide myself from society...im sick of it..

if family doesnt want to talk to me or deletes me then ill know...

i just realized something that costello said. well i didnt just realize it. but it takes awhile to sink in the reality of it.

ive been talking to some people in my area and getting out a little bit more but still less compared to a few months ago. and...idk if i like it. ive only talked to a few people here and there went to one support group. went to church. but i dont like it. it just confirms all the reasons i stayed secluded to begin with.

hello........

Just know I'm listening, even though I'm not particularly supportive right now.













I keep getting this voice in the back of my head, telling me to do some... Pretty ****ing horrible things. To my MIL, my boyfriend, the pets, myself. And I'm so overcome with anger. Senseless anger. And a headache. I was doing so well & thought that maybe I wasn't really crazy. That maybe I was over-analyzing & I did it to myself. But then this started. God, IDFK what to do with myself. Every word that comes out of my body is venomous. And why do my voices come from the inside? Are they just my uncensored thoughts fighting against my suppression? I may be an asshole, but I don't want to kill anyone...

shay-

i have inside voices too. T calls them "internal voices". they are very maddening too. i have those all the time..even when i am not hallucinating external things

i think its just a defagmented part of my personality

Shay, I don't think you're crazy.

Be kind to yourself.

i feel lonely. should prob go see actual ppl tomorrow

lol...

Good plan. Are you going to sleep tonight?

prob.........

After they let me go from jury duty, I came home and fell asleep on the couch while trying to read. I never do that. I think I'll get to bed earlier tonight.

i have discovered a new form to use to piss off the nursing staff at work! * *evil grin*

lol

my mom is a psychiatric nurse

big brother - mainstream media - government cover-ups. you want answers? well so does he. he's Alex Jones...on the GCN Radio Network. live from Austin, Texas...Alex Jones.

It isn't the first time I've had those thoughts... But I'm going to stop there. I've already said too much.
Had a long talk with my bf, explaining everything. Even some things that are too disturbing to post here. I wish I knew why he'd willingly undergo this... I talked about wanting to kill his Mother, for ****'s sake. And he still accepts me? It feels like he is being weak; accepting this because he feels he has to. Like his esteem is so low that he doesn't think he'll find someone else.
And the 3 year anniversary of his grandmother's death is coming up... I have no idea how to comfort someone effectively. Especially after I just talked about homocidal fantasies...
It's times like this where I think I've gotten too deeply involved. That I need to cut my losses & just go away somewhere to be alone.

I ::am:: crazy. And I'm not being hard on myself. I'm doing my best to be reasonable despite the fact that I am anything but.

Feel better newtus & junk.

Taking 5mg of Abilify, I lowered my dose. Only taking that to avoid hospital.
Everyone is confusing, people saying I'm faking and now I can't tell if my parents are involved. So it's constant arguements.

I'm glad to see you back, Kureha. I don't think you're faking. And I don't think your parents are involved.

People who love and accept other people and want to help them aren't weak. Do you have some other reason - beyond his accepting you - that he has to accept you, that his self-esteem is low, or that he thinks he can't find someone else? Or is that just your way of trying to explain why he's doing something that seems inexplicable to you?

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And the 3 year anniversary of his grandmother's death is coming up... I have no idea how to comfort someone effectively.

That's difficult for everyone. Just listening can be helpful. Saying "I'm so sorry." It feels inadequate, but it's pretty effective.

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It's times like this where I think I've gotten too deeply involved. That I need to cut my losses & just go away somewhere to be alone.

???

Quote:

I ::am:: crazy. And I'm not being hard on myself. I'm doing my best to be reasonable despite the fact that I am anything but.

It was the crisis team that said it, not like "You're faking" but close enough.

I can't tell about my parents, I keep switching, they make it confusing.

Really pissed though, been agitated the last few days, can't talk to my nurse, because she isn't happy about the meds.