Roll Call Four

my old room...

and an even older room ....

i love maps + books + and desolate rooms.

it keeps your mind FOCUSED.

i have my bookshelf sorted by topic.
i like the philosophy & religion shelf.

i have a LOT of books...

:thumbsup:

im freaking ..freaking out..
feeling so nervous that im sick to my stomach.
about to vomit feeling.

and then i get this motherf**king call thats unlisted and someone hangs up on the other line.

ah S**T im about to throw up.
see my paranoia rises and keeps f**king with me.
people keep f**king with me.
please stop.
all i ask for everyone out there in the world is just please leave me alone.
im sick im sick of it.

shayatanica - thanks. it was better than the previous day, but not so great. i am either sick, or making myself sick, or it's in my head but not staying there. i saw you were bored. i hope you are entertained by something now!

costello - i do hope your kitty has returned. hopefully she just spent the night at a friend's house.

newtus and junkdna - thanks for sharing your spaces. i think it's awesome to see. i think maybe you are each more organized than me! at least in terms of personal space. at work everything is perfectly aligned with not a thing out of place.

those people are calling again but im more calm right now.
i was freaking out. you know i dont have any more anxiety meds.
its cool.

im f**king scared. ok?
when you have fear and paranoia running at the same time AND anxiety.
you wish you were dead. you wish everything would go away.

newt-

maybe try something distracting and relaxing... read a good book you've read before... or watch a funny tv show... idk... draw or color...

try to take ur mind off of the paranoid thoughts...

i've found, for me, that focusing on them just intensifies their effects

im trying to.
its overwhelming me.
im freaking walking back and forth in my house.
literally pulling my hair out.
all this stuff is like building in my head.
and new thoughts just piling on each other.
im so spaced out.
my heads gonna blow up or im gonna blow up something my mind like the water tower out in the field. thats prob why their scared of me. my powers. im scared of me too.

ok im gonna try.

the counselor said "so how was your childhood?" and i was thinking who cares?

and at the end she gave me this booklet on social phobia

i keep thinking this is a waste of time.

the first question she asked was "was there any abuse in your childhood?"

i said "no"

i just felt like it all was BS.

shes not even an LCSW just an LPC but i said CASE MANAGEMENT. and i got a counselor? i dont understand?

has anyone seen Julien Donkey-Boy?
its a movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0192194/

i have this foreboding feeling somethings not right
or something is about to not be right in the next few days.

idk why.
its a really bad deep feeling.

i dont think im going to go back there. my dad said i didnt have to. im not up for talking about my issues to a professional. if anything i might do a support group again but like...idk about counseling BS...its never ever helped me.

hey newt... still up?

yep.


and besides i know whats real and i know whats not real and i dont need a licensed professional telling me im delusional. after the words "religious ideologies and political revolutionaries" came out of my mouth everything seemed to change.

me, too...

still out of cigs!
but i found my e-cig

I don't think it works for you because you are afraid. Would you be willing to talk about your fear of one-on-one therapy in a support group? Maybe if you find the source of your fear or discomfort, you can benefit from taking the next step.



This is the 3rd or 4th night this week where I haven't been able to sleep with my usual ease. All I usually have to do is lay down & I get sleepy. This hasn't happened in a year & a half. I know what's bugging me tonight... Which is purely my fault. But everything will be fine. I'm just relaxing & shutting the brain off so I can sneak in a few hours tonight.

every time i look at my dad i keep seeing him dead. like a prophecy.

i dont think im doing well.
or maybe i cant face up to the truth something bad could end up happening?

i havent slept still.

im so paranoid though. and anxious. but i keep seeing death and i watched Into The Abyss and then the news. and the news made a specific reference to the movie in pictures. same picture same angle.

really? is that like if one is hypnotized it wont work on someone that doesnt believe? that logic? i MAY goto a support again but i can only goto depression/bipolar and i can barely goto that because its very late at night - an hour away from my home - and thats too much you know. but thats a maybe because i may not talk to anyone at all. period.

because i dont trust anyone.
i trust you guys...
thats it. you know.
im saying i really dont want a counselor or support group etc. but i talk HERE idk...?

im on a few conspiracy forums. too.

you only trust us because we are anonymous and this is an avenue for u to express yourself without dealing with the consequences face-to-face???

no because the same way im on here i am like in real life. in real life everyone split and leaves. thats why.

try to find someone that wont. you cant.