They're working on my diagnosis, I need an opinion (Long)

My episode: In 2012 (Aug) I had a 'Psychotic episode'. A few days before my father told me I should leave the house in a few years and live with someone else. (I'm only 13) One of my closets friends said we should stop talking. I stayed up for two days straight. Then on the third day I felt completely different, like something switched in my head. I believed that I was free because I had lost it all. Now I was free to do what I pleased. I felt energized, arrogant, prideful, I laughed inappropriately. I admit I felt insane. I decided to set a fire in my house. I first was pacing my room while I talked to one of my friends (which is now my girlfriend) and she expressed so many loving thoughts for me as I acted out this way, what I was telling her I was going to do. I also looked in the mirror in my eyes, I thought they had turned red -- that they were demon eyes. I applied make up, made myself look as best I could, dressed in black and set the fire on paper down stairs. I left a not on the door of suicide, I had no intention of harming myself. I wanted to feel more adrenaline through my body. I also wanted to be with a young man which is in my imagination (hallucinations), he agreed (NOT suggested) that I should set the fire.

I was found a mile and a half away from my house with sizers and a bottle of pills. I was admitted to the hospital for eleven days. I am now diagnosed with Psychotic depression with a possibility of bipolar disorder.

I don't believe I've told them the full story. I have made up in my head this whole world of fantasy and different beings, and I know I belong there. You may think I know it's fantasy, but right now, to me its real. I'm only explaining in what non-delusion/hallucination people see it as. I also made up a new appearance, name, family, etc, etc for myself. I see that as the real me.

Then I'm also very manipulative. I see people as game pieces and nothing more, they are toys in my world. I want to be able to have fun in this world if I can't live in mine. So I manipulate and lie to have 'fun' that I crave. I always see myself dressing in an inappropriate matter and getting involved with the wrong people for fun. But I ALSO see myself living a double life, having good grade, etc, etc. Its part of the game. I picture this as my teenage years. Then as an adult I see myself being part of a con game, even more reserved, successful. At 13 these images play in my head all day long to keep me going. If I don't have this sort of plan I will ONLY long for that different world I believe is true in my head.

I have a horrible time trying to feel things for other people, have good relationships, and know who I am. I often struggle trying to stay the same and have the same goals just to feel okay. I often don't know who I am, and so I usually try to work on that all the time. I can also feel something for someone, but only logically, I won't feel sorry for them. In my relationships I just can't keep up with them at all.

I was the same way at 13. I made up another life in my head because mine was so ****. I was a liar from hell and I had all kinds of aliases online. I would go crazy and destroy everything and set things on fire too, I also attempted to murder my brother several times. They had to get him another door because I literally kicked it down on top of him then stabbed through it hundreds of times with a butcher knife trying to kill him. When I had those fits I was always laughing crazily and I'm sure I was super manic. I was depressed too then, no body gave a **** about me.
I was diagnosed as Schizoaffective Bipolar when I was 19.
I think you're bipolar honestly because you remind me of myself at that age, but who knows, let the doctors do the thinking.

Isabelle, I feel your inquiry would be better addressed if you could perchance think of what led up to this new behaviour. Your told us that you are 13 years old. How long has this disturbing behaviour been coming out?

I can totally realte Isabelle. I too was a troubled teen, all of my teen years until the very late almost 20s. I can now step back and see a "trail of breadcrumbs" that led me exactly the places I ended up. I have had several "blackouts" also where I would wake up and not know what day it was, and then everyone in my home was mad at me. I was told I started screaming matches and physical fights with family members. Looking back, I feel that what caused this to occur in my life was SUPRESSION.

I was rejecting feelings that are natural to feel in situations that come up. I was constantly taking all of life's new crappy events and pushing them deep down inside myself. I thought it was a bottomless pit. It wasn't. Pretty soon, I would lash out at the wrong people who did not deserve or cause my anger.

I did not know why I was angry, because the anger had been there so long and the situations that caused it were "over". Years over sometimes. This led to shame for my behaviour and eventually subtance abuse and many other symptoms. These are definitely symptoms of a deeper root. Find the root. Evaluate your life.

When you think back to your first memories, think of what you liked in life. Think of who you hoped to be when you grew up. Are you that person now? Are you on track to be? If not, as I most certainly was not, this can cause dissappointment.

Resentment at others who have failed us. Hopelessness. Regret. Shame of failure etc. These things are ususally at the root of the sprouting behaviour.

I hope that you can truly find peace and comfort my friend. It is a long jorney to find yourself. There are many unpleasant things along the way. But there is also hope my friend. The sun will rise in the morning. You are dearly loved, and wanted.

Your life has not been wasted, nor will it ever be. This is a positive place and I am glad you have found it my friend. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

I had extreme guilt and paranoid when I was 10 years of age. I became scared of simple human interaction. (touching) Because of a movie I had seen at the time. I believed I was a victim of sexual abuse. But my therapists told me it was paranoid due to this movie. I had believed this because I woke up unable to remember the night before, completely unclothed, blood coming form my mouth, and red marks all over my body. This caused me a lot of stress where I would have outbursts of anger. At the time I had a hard time with self image. I wasn't able to stay in a range of being quite or loud. It was either one or the other. I wanted to stay quiet, but I couldn't help myself. So I suppose I slowly began to restrict myself. I've always been scared of my father as well. He'd push and yell, making my family tense when my mother was away. Even now I get scared just by hearing him walk down the halls of the house.

That is my share of what may have caused these behaviors. It would make more sense then what my therapists suggested. That these were brain chemical imbalances.

Thank you for your support.

I can't help myself, I refuse just to let them think about it. Mainly because of when I was in the hospital, they believed that I was lying about the psychosis. I knew this because that is what my therapists had told me. So they are still guessing and trying to figure out my diagnosis. I suppose I'm interested in it, because I read about mental health before. I already knew more than I should have.

Thank you for your input and reply.