I am experiencing severe psychosis. I am screaming and screaming all night long and I accidentally punched and slapped my husband, I didn't know he was next to me in bed and I accidentally hurt him. I was in a vision of being in hell and I was being tortured by witches and demons, and I started trying to fight them. That is how I accidentally hurt him. I was trying to fight the devil.

He forgave me but I feel hopeless. I had to get back on medications today. I had to. I feel like a total failure. I have been in a complete delusion and I don't know which way is up or down. My Grandmother called me today and was very comforting.

My little sister came over today and was very comforting. My husband and family are all supporting me. I am psychotic and I don't want to hurt anyone. I have been very suicidal lately. Life just seems unbearable, and I am sober still, still no cigarettes except one earlier that I had with my sister. I made dinner today, by the grace of God. I changed my clothes barely.

I ain't pretty today, but I'm breathing. I had to go back on my lithium, and xanax. I feel like a failure but it was the only way to stay safe and sane. I hope yall are not disappointed in me. I was hoping to be able to prove that medication is completely unnecessary, but I was deceived. I am sorry to let everyone down.

[ickydog2006]

You arn't letting any of us down. It's okay to be on medication. I need to be on meds too. It sucks, but it is well worth it. I can have meaningful relationships. I can take care of my son and help my husband. Taking meds does not mean you failed. It makes you smart. Smart enough to know when you should be taking them. I am so proud of you for taking steps to reclaim your life and freedom by going back on meds.

Thank you beloved, I don't know why I feel this way so much. I feel like if I can't live without medication than I'm worthless or a failure. But I can't live without them sometimes or I might end my life or someone else's.

I wish I was never psychotic. I wish I was better than I am. It is hard to accept that there is something different or "wrong" with me. I have to move from denial to acceptance, one step at a time. Hopefully the meds will help me to do that. I am doing my best. I appreciate your support beloved. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

[LostMom3]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I am experiencing severe psychosis. I am screaming and screaming all night long and I accidentally punched and slapped my husband, I didn't know he was next to me in bed and I accidentally hurt him. I was in a vision of being in hell and I was being tortured by witches and demons, and I started trying to fight them. That is how I accidentally hurt him. I was trying to fight the devil.

He forgave me but I feel hopeless. I had to get back on medications today. I had to. I feel like a total failure. I have been in a complete delusion and I don't know which way is up or down. My Grandmother called me today and was very comforting.

My little sister came over today and was very comforting. My husband and family are all supporting me. I am psychotic and I don't want to hurt anyone. I have been very suicidal lately. Life just seems unbearable, and I am sober still, still no cigarettes except one earlier that I had with my sister. I made dinner today, by the grace of God. I changed my clothes barely.

I ain't pretty today, but I'm breathing. I had to go back on my lithium, and xanax. I feel like a failure but it was the only way to stay safe and sane. I hope yall are not disappointed in me. I was hoping to be able to prove that medication is completely unnecessary, but I was deceived. I am sorry to let everyone down.

Big hugs for you. Same thing happened to me. I came off my meds and was okay for a little while, then suicide thoughts, hallucinations, and delusions took over. I am back on my meds. I hope they help you. Sometimes we just have to accept we are what we are. Just remember God will not give you more than you can handle and he is with you every step of the way. Keep your head up and take care of yourself.

I'm sorry that you're struggling lightbulb I hope the meds make things better. I don't think less of you for taking meds: I have to take meds. I think, like the others have said, that you were smart to know when you needed them rather than risk things escalating even further.

All the best,

*Willow*

[lynn P.]

Sorry you're suffering. When medication makes a big difference, this means you need it to be stable. In this instance, its the same as being a diabetic who can't be healthy without their insulin.

My deceased brother had Bipolar and he was dysfunctional without his meds. If someone can do well without meds that fine for them but its also fine it a person functions better with them. You're fortunate to have a supportive family and I hope you feel better soon.

[Wayfarer25]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I had to get back on medications today. I had to. I feel like a total failure.

you are not a total failure. everyone slips backwards from time to time. it's a perfectly natural course for things to take.

also, count yourself lucky or blessed or whatever, because it sounds to me like you have a totally supportive family. many people wish they could be so lucky, myself included. lean on your family if you have to. it seems like they're there for you no matter if you slip up or not.

i hope you feel better soon.

[WikidPissah]

A failure is when you cease trying. You haven't ceased trying, you are doing what you can to survive, and that takes courage.

Thanks yall. Perhaps foolish pride is what led me away from the truth. The mirror hath reminded me of obvious things. I will do my best yall. I feel that I owe the world a huge debt, but then its really hard for me to tie my own shoes sometimes. It's embarrassing, but I am glad that I am not alone. Talking to yall has improved my quality of life and given me courage to go further than I ever have before. Thanks again yall. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

You are not a failure in the least. I hope you feel better soon. Just hang in there

[faerie_moon_x]

Lightbulb, you didn't let anyone down. You're not a failure. If you had to take insulin for diabetes would that make you a failure? No. So taking meds for your illness is not a failure. It's doing the right thing and the responsible thing to take care of yourself.

Don't be hard on yourself. You have not given up and only if you gave up is when you are a failure.

Thanks dark_heart_x and everyone for the support. I suppose when it rains, it pours lol. I have had some recent triggering episodes, and a lack of sleep and food, coupled with a bit of isolation, the perfect storm indeed. I have since rested, eaten, and socialized by talking on the phone to people, going to a wedding this weekend, and my zumba classes. That, with my medication, has brought me back down to earth I would assume. I am no longer a threat to others or myself as of Monday. Thank yall for everything; the support is priceless and I know I might have ended up in the hospital without yall. I hope to support yall in return in any way that I can. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

[costello]

I'm glad you're doing better, lightbulb. For my son, not eating and not sleeping are sure signs that things are headed south and some corrective measures need to be made - STAT!

[keepingalice]

sorry. not sure what else to say. i know the meds may make you feel like someone other than yourself and that makes it hard to swallow...hope your able to cope. life is a mystery and our minds can take us places no one has ever visited.

Well said yall.

[RunningEagleRuns]

meds are a good thing. they keep us sane! good luck. stay stable.

[likewater]

Hi Lightbulb. Psychotic breaks are scary. i'm sorry that happened. You aren't letting anybody down. May angels surround you.