[Lifedreamer]

This is why I need my mom or someone for help, but she isn't listening to my cry for help and I don't have anyone else who will listen to what I'm really struggling with.

1. When we argue it never had to be a problem but at the point where we start to argue she decides that the situation we are in-tone about is my fault and that because whatever happened was probably because of me. It doesn't have to be her problem, but since she lives with me and I live with her we endure negative emotions about each other. This results in her being right most of the time because I live with her and I CANT do a whole lot because I have a mental illness. My illness doesn't have to be an excuse but from what I have experienced its why I cannot thrive for myself. She is still *****y enough to me.
2. Okay, I don't think she gets this but I was born psychotic. I've been seeing things since I was three, I can't tell her this or anyone else because from it was back then I was okay, But I remember seeing things. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 11 (no ****, I was) After this I started to feel and notice severe side affects from my medication which included complete blindness(this happened once for about two minutes), a seizure, severe dizzy spells (these left me hanging onto edges of furniture), sane hallucinations (ya know the ones where you are like “wait why do I see unicorns? I've been taking my pills!) once I even had hallucinations that gave me jaundice or something. ( I don't even know) and recently I went on a binge of “should I take my medication now? NOW that it has been over a month without taking my pills and now I'm really seeing that I can't concentrate on shit” But I found out after this binge that it wasn't just my pills I was dehydrated. I was taken to the hospital after collapsing and blanking out. My body needed the IV they gave me because it was gone in minutes. Yeah, so maybe my mom has a reason to be a *****, but we haven't even talked about what happened since it happened its in the past and forgotten.
3. I'm still disappointed though because I tried so hard to be myself without any severely rude behavior, But then it gets to the point where her voice is louder than mine and the best thing I can do is remove myself from the situation.
4. When this happens I've said things like “Do you even care about your disabled adult-child?” and she just laughs and then after that I've been more irrational and once slammed my head in the door and she just laughs at me. Not really a comforting thing when you have nobody to talk to about a problem that is inside your head and the help you have is still a week away.
5. She's validated my remorse. she's told me after I have threatened that my life was not worth it and that If she didn't want me around then I'd just kill myself because I didn't have anyone else to help me with my problem she laughed and said “okay then do it, I don't care”

She's doing fine in life, better than me. She has a good job and complains about everything and then its done for her ( I do what needs to be done around the house). I don't know what it is with her. She feels the need to take my anxiety pills at times too. Maybe she has a problem as well.

Aside from a list of reasons of why I'm so stuck inside my head I don't know what to think or do anymore. My mom wants my illness to be my responsibility but I can't always handle it.

[costello]

That sounds really hard, lifedreamer. Is there any way you can get into a different living situation? This doesn't sound emotionally supportive.

[Lifedreamer]

No, I can't. I think that's why its so hard for me to cope with what's happening. Its a matter of coping and being able to escape. Luckily, most of the time I have the house to myself.

I don't really think my mom understands whats happening to me when I go through a tough time. She just thinks I'm being irrational.

This isn't the first time this has occurred. I've had these same types of issues since about 16 years old with different people. Luckily its better then it used to be. My mom was in a really negative relationship before this one that impacted me.

[costello]

Originally Posted by Lifedreamer

I don't really think my mom understands whats happening to me when I go through a tough time. She just thinks I'm being irrational.

I'm sorry you're trapped in this living relationship for the time being. My situation is the same, except that I'm the mom and my 27 year old son is living with me. I work extremely hard at understanding my son's experience, though. That's why I post here in the sz forum instead of finding a forum for caregivers.

I don't know what to advise about your mom. Maybe find support elsewhere to help take the edge off?

Sometimes it helps when you're in a negative relationship to work hard on your end of the thing. Maybe the other person will respond eventually. No guarantees, though. And it seems unfair to put that burden on you when you already have so much to struggle with.

[Lifedreamer]

Originally Posted by costello

I don't know what to advise about your mom. Maybe find support elsewhere to help take the edge off?

Sometimes it helps when you're in a negative relationship to work hard on your end of the thing. Maybe the other person will respond eventually. No guarantees, though. And it seems unfair to put that burden on you when you already have so much to struggle with.

My mom has always been the kind of person to just ignore when she can't be given insight about whats happening to one or another or just me in this situation.

I will have to really search hard for someone to speak to about my situation. Its tough though. With all the family I have, none of them will really get it. I know this because I've spoken to them before or they are just to distant to talk to at this point.

Most of the stuff I deal with is stuff from the past that has just been covered up under a pretend rug and forgotten like it never happened. Its sort of depressing, all that happened to me and no one to really understand. I guess its not so bad to have myself to understand what is happening to me. Sometimes I think its best if I just keep the past to myself but not forget and move on by coping with my inner emotions. Its a difficult process for one person alone but I think I can handle it.

Thank you for your insight and help.

[costello]

I'm really sorry you've had such a hard past and don't feel supported. No one should be alone with their troubles.

[harleys_wife]

I am in the same boat as Costello. My daughter is the one trying to live with her mental illness. I have been frustrated so much lately, but it is because I didn't truly understand what was going on with her. I started REALLY researching HARD and I think it is helping. I am finally understanding that she can't help what is going on.

Lifedreamer, I really hope that you can get the understanding that you need. So sorry you haven't.