[newtus]

i dont think i can do this you guys

i dont think i can live

[pegasus]

Hugs ((( newtus ))) Is there someone you can call when you feel like this? Hang in there.

[newtus]

no.

my dad lives with me but that would not turn out right.

[newtus]

im hopin this feeling goes away for awhile

[pegasus]

I'm sitting with you.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

i dont think i can do this you guys

i dont think i can live

That wouldn't be fair to the rest of us....we'd miss you

[Gr3tta]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It must be horrible. I've felt like that before. Eventually I did feel better, but it felt endless at the time.
Is there anything that comforts you? Is your cat there? Do you feel like drawing? I think you're a great artist.

[newtus]

ive lost all interest in things i used to like.

sure some people would miss me here but whats that supposed to mean in the context of real life? MY LIFE. where theres people online theres a lot of substance missing in that. i know only my immediate family in real life i can see them face to face but even that is missing connection. so idk how im suppsed to understand people telling me theyll miss me online.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

ive lost all interest in things i used to like.

sure some people would miss me here but whats that supposed to mean in the context of real life? MY LIFE. where theres people online theres a lot of substance missing in that. i know only my immediate family in real life i can see them face to face but even that is missing connection. so idk how im suppsed to understand people telling me theyll miss me online.

We're still real people even though we're online. Tell me about the things you used to like...there is a concept known as self care where you get to do multiple things that you like at once, like petting your cat, listening to music and drawing. It makes you feel better than doing any one thing. Why not try it?

[newtus]

someone is going to kill me i just know it if i dont kill myself first that is.

[Sometimes psychotic]

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but no one is going to kill you and I don't want to see you hurt yourself. You have so much life ahead of you and they are working on depression and psychosis every day. I know you don't trust science but maybe one day they will figure it out? Do you believe in God? I feel like we were put on this earth to learn to love other people and you have your dad...you don't want to hurt him...

[Gr3tta]

Originally Posted by newtus

someone is going to kill me i just know it if i dont kill myself first that is.

I have thought this since I was a young child. Not always unreasonably.

If the things you have enjoyed before aren't reaching you, maybe try new approaches? New mediums for artwork? New genres of music? New location on your property?
Just something to help even a little even temporarily. To help you wait this out and see if it gets better.
You've felt like this before I think. And it did end, eventually.

[newtus]

my dad just left the house. he said hed be gone for some hours and i screamed and wept so hard. i didnt expect to cry but i expected to feel sad.

i cant take being physically alone anymore. this is the hundreth time ive been in the house for days straight but my dad leaves more since past month.

physical isolation is killing me. but im too afraid to leave. or maybe its social isolation or both? idk? i cant take social stuff. i hate the general population so much but no one will ever understand my hate til i take that a step that will cost lives.

[newtus]

hmmmmmmmmm

[newtus]

i shouldnt talk that way but i dont mind talking about my suicidal feelings

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

my dad just left the house. he said hed be gone for some hours and i screamed and wept so hard. i didnt expect to cry but i expected to feel sad.

i cant take being physically alone anymore. this is the hundreth time ive been in the house for days straight but my dad leaves more since past month.

physical isolation is killing me. but im too afraid to leave. or maybe its social isolation or both? idk? i cant take social stuff. i hate the general population so much but no one will ever understand my hate til i take that a step that will cost lives.

I used to hate people too. When I was in jr high they were so needlessly mean...they threw gum in my hair and put signs on my back, etc. I had no friends and I was basically mute...my mom actually told me she was afraid I would grow up to be an axe murderer. The thing is not all people are bad and if you close yourself off to protect yourself you miss out on the good ones too.

[Gr3tta]

I don't know what anyone else thinks but I think its okay to talk about feelings -whatever they are - here. I'm sorry your dad had to leave the house. I'll bet he was sad to leave too.

[newtus]

if i really wanted to i would kill myself right?

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

if i really wanted to i would kill myself right?

I hope you don't really want to...it would be such a waste...have you thought about writing a book about your life...you could self publish on amazon. You have so much knowledge and experience with the disease.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by newtus

if i really wanted to i would kill myself right?

I hope not.

You are important. You matter. You don't have to believe me, but you matter to me a lot. You have helped me a lot, probably without you even realizing it a lot of the time but still... your posts give me hope, remind me that I am not alone, and you are a kind a compassionate person. Being really angry and sad does not change who you are. They are feelings, you can choose how to act in response to them. You are not a monster, newtus. You are a human being who's going through hell, but these feelings of wanting to be gone will pass... and I believe that things will get better for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Sending you lots of s newtus. I hope this storm cloud passes soon, you deserve happiness my friend. Please hang in there, and do something nice for yourself. Self-soothing is a good idea during times like these.

[newtus]

i feel dead inside

i dont want to be compared to other people. even therapists do that. "theres a lot of people like you" "a lot of people go through the same thing." "i/he/she/they can relate". OF COURSE. im not that dumb. but what about ME? yea sure other people....but what about me?

[Gr3tta]

There is nothing more dehumanizing than being compared to others. I hope I haven't done that to you. Only YOU know what YOU are feeling. I do recognize and acknowledge that.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by newtus

i feel dead inside

i dont want to be compared to other people. even therapists do that. "theres a lot of people like you" "a lot of people go through the same thing." "i/he/she/they can relate". OF COURSE. im not that dumb. but what about ME? yea sure other people....but what about me?

I don't think there's anyone like you...who would have thought of making a leash for a crawfish?

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by newtus

i feel dead inside

i dont want to be compared to other people. even therapists do that. "theres a lot of people like you" "a lot of people go through the same thing." "i/he/she/they can relate". OF COURSE. im not that dumb. but what about ME? yea sure other people....but what about me?

THIS, exactly. I hate hearing "oh everyone feels that way", or "a lot of people struggle with this", or "I can relate and therefore I'm going to make it entirely about me" kinds of statements. I only say to someone "I can relate" if it seems the person in question is looking for someone who can understand some of what they are experiencing, otherwise I go out of my way to not say stuff like that because it's totally invalidating.

It's so minimizing to be told stuff like that all the time. It's like okay, so a lot of people struggle with some of the things I do... great. Now what? How does that actually address any of my concerns at all? Oh right, it doesn't.