[AnotherStory]

Hello everyone, I figured I would drop by and share my own story. I was 23 and had been smoking a moderate amount of pot for about a year, at which point I ended up falling into an infatuation with a girl which threw me for a loop. I ended up in a situation where it felt like I was at the center of "The Truman Show" so to speak, but instead of breaking out I stuck with it candidly playing along as I got worse. Auditory hallucinations 24/7 that I would have conversations with, delusions, communicating with the television, etc. Eventually I cracked and ended up in the hospital for 2 months, got out and managed a full recovery after a year leaving me without needing medication. Anyway the point I wanted to talk about is how much of a "high" I got from the euphoric feelings of an infatuation under the influence of psychosis. Such a high that it can literally render you in a zombie like state, or leave your whole body on turbo charged butterflies. It has been roughly two years since my recovery but ever since I have been unable to conjure up the natural feelings of attachment/love that I should be able to feel. Did I break my limiter so to speak and now am broken? Am I simply not nearly as sensitive anymore? Or maybe it will just take time, and the right woman to come along to make me feel even a fraction of what I felt at one point in my life? Has anyone else experienced this? I would love to hear some insight from others on the matter.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I think first off that you didn't break your ability to love. Secondly, you don't just conjure up those types of emotions, they happen without warning and on their own.

Otherwise, you didn't mention what your dx ended up being. But, in sz and bipolar and depression there is this symptom called anhedonia. It is basically a flattening of your ability to feel joyful types of emotions. You may still feel them, but they feel flat. It can come and go. I have more anhedonia when I'm more depressed. (That's what causes that loss if interest in things you normally enjoy in depression, for example.)

I think, you should just be patient and let your body and mind heal up. Psychosis is pretty hard on you even if you don't realize it. It leaves everything a little scrambled. I know it's cliche but it's like that old song says "you can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait."

Instead, just live and work toward wellness. That way when the right person comes along, then you'll be in a better place for a relationship.

[AnotherStory]

Well as for my DX it was a simple "Drug induced psychosis" due to the fact that I was able to recover, get off meds, and have zero remaining side effects. That being said I need to have zero contact with certain drugs now as they will flair up symptoms of psychosis (even nicotine will give mild symptoms), but to be realistic I am one of the lucky ones as I have no permanent long term diagnosis. I am a very smart person (IQ~150ish), yet I realize this means nothing in life. Yet I fell my logical take on the world combined with my experienced has led to a certain jaded take preventing me from connecting with other people on a deeper emotional level. I feel like my interactions with others almost takes on a studied approach rather then a natural one. I do understand that love is not something I can rush, it will require finding the right circumstance and person to experience what should be natural. Yet I have been in a couple of relationships since my recovery and have been unable to experience what I was hoping to find. I can care for people, but find it impossible to find that spark or chemical reaction that most people experience. I am always up for discussion, so feel free to ask me anything.

[faerie_moon_x]

Have you taken the schizoid personality test? You're in your early twenties and personality issues pop up around that time. Schizoid is a strange thing. I'm actually diagnosed with it but both me and my husband all the people on here don't agree. I'm very emotional. It just doesn't make sense. I just don't trust people and don't like working in groups unless I'm working with someone I really feel comfortable with....

Anyway, just a thought.

[AnotherStory]

No, I am not schizoid. I feel like my problem may be more rooted in who I am as an individual and how my personality is. I feel that in my life I have to have to deliberately put myself in situations where I can gain experience which will give me insight for the future. I work in a very logical method where I analyze all the information I have ahead of time, letting me act on instinct/impulse in a given situation due to previous experience/forethought. This in and of itself is hardly conducive to a proper relationship model as rather then working on emotion I work on logic. That being said my experience with psychosis was rough, but I view it now as something that made me who I am today. I had conversations with the voices in my head 24/7 for half a year, although stressful and not something I would wish upon anyone, I learned a lot about myself, where I was in life, and where I wanted to be in the future. Think of it as intensive introspection.