Roll Call Eight

Thanks for the links guys! That will really help with my research. The only problem is I have so much online to read/watch, and so many books on psychosis that I bought/borrowed to read, and no motivation to do anything :/ Today all I did was try to sleep most of the day away

It's been raining really hard here today so I've put my dog's coat on him when I let him out for a wee. Only last time I forgot to take it off when we got back in. Cue a hilarious Houdini-type escape attempt. Velcro 1, Dog 0

*Willow*

There is nothing to do. I think, I will go look for some mushrooms in the rain.

What are Sundays good for? Doing laundry, sleeping, and being on the computer!

So I'm reading I never promised you a rose garden by Joanne Greenberg. So it's fiction but apparently just barely as she was cured of sz without meds, and the subject of that Daniel mackler film take these broken wings. It's really well written albeit set in a different time. Originally published some time in the 60s I think...apparently there is a movie too. I sort of bypassed this one before because it was fiction.

Got my zyprexa changed to abilify now, very relieved!

Good, hoping it works out for you!

Thanks hopefully can lose some weight!

My son has a job interview tomorrow morning. Please everyone send positive vibes his way.

Will keep my fingers crossed for him Costello

*Willow*

Sending positive vibes your son's way.

In my world again.

Nobody understands, nobody sees. It's safe here. In my bubble. Nobody judges me, nobody looks at me, nobody talks to me like I'm some subhuman abomination.

They don't know, don't understand. They can't understand. The voices don't just STOP. They don't just be quiet. The images don't go away, Sarah won't ever go away. Ever. I failed her and this is my penance. This is my cross to bare and I'll shoulder it but why do they have to look at me like that. Why am I not deserving of being looked at just the same as all the others?

Why do I have to retreat into my own mind just to keep from being dead?

Puppy was spayed Friday but popped a couple of sutures Saturday night by jumping over her pen so yesterday she was put on sedatives until she gets her sutures taken out Aug. 9th. I'm enjoying the down time till the 9th. A much needed reprieve.

Friday in physical therapy we will begin stretching the repaired nerve in my thumb. I know what this entails and am not looking forward to the difficulty and pain but it has to be done nonetheless.

Housemate also is having hand surgery Aug. 7th. and then the other hand after the first one totally heals. On top of that he is retiring from his teaching job this Sept. but throughout all this he and the other housemate are house/property hunting. Last night at his second job he up and quit because he said he was sick of the bs. but his boss came by the house and apologized, which is a first. I do believe housemate is under a lot of stress. I know for myself I probably would be flipping out by now. I told housemate whether or not I move with him and the other housemate, I still have to move either way. I said moving is right up there on the list of stressers with divorce and death.

Lots of stress going on and in the ensuing months. So far, I think I'm holding my own. I think the puppy reprieve is helping immensely.

My son made it through the first stage. He did well enough in the testing to get an interview. That's this afternoon, I think.

i am very very very upset.

like i had said when i was there i stayed at my moms for a day and a half. i worry about leaving home partly cuz my dads drinking. i come back home sunday morning and he is drunk. told me he was drinking with his female friend - who then left n drove home 50 or so miles after drinking here with him. this is what i was blantatly talking about. i CANT leave. i CANT.

n my mom and step dad were questioning me while i was there about being on medicare. telling me i should prob "opt out" of it because it wouldnt pay for much. problem is like with everything else with them and mainly her - they pick n choose what they do for me. they got mad becuz i had so many expensive hospital bills when i was told "dont worry - we will pay for EEVRYTHING". thats what kicked me of about getting off theirs because they started say it was too much and they may have to take me off becuz THEY are being penalized for the expenses and multiple stay. WHAT HAPPENED TO "DONT WORRY DONT WORRY" "EVERYTHING WILL BE PAID FOR". and then when i had over 1000 dollars of med bills from when i was a child. i asked for it to be paid for because i was told "EVERYTHING". i ask and she says "im not paying for that - that wasnt under my insurance. that was from yours fathers insur not paying for it. so HE should". wtf does it matter by now?! ITS TO MY NAME! IM THE ONE THATS GOT CREDITORS CALLING ME FROM MED BILLS FROM WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD. GIVE ME A F_KING BREAK. YOU SAID U PAY FOR EVERYTHING. WHATS THE PROBLEM NOW?!

and thats only two examples.

i cant live my life tied to her financially or really ANY way. she will screw me over so fast and then claim its my fault. she says 1 thing. does another. and it hurts emotionally. but as i get older its doing even more SERIOUS damage to me - in this case financially.

as well as that - this is only the financial aspect. this has gone on for years and spanned my mental health. when i did have my only friend. my college career (she chose to pay for it. then when i dont pass she does. THATS not a problem -BUT TELL ME. DONT TELL TO NOT WORRY OR DONT THINK ABOUT IT). now me financially and so on.

shes a liar.
shes a hypocrite.
shes tellss me my stepdad says he wants the best for me and says all this stuff for me.
ok...........#1 most of the times i seen him - he sits in a room on a computer for hours. and #2 HE RARELY TALKS TO ANYONE. NOT JUST ME. ive never ever ever heard him say ANY of the stuff she SUPPOSEDLY says that he says. follow me?
then when i ask why he doesnt talk to people she tells ME to initiate things.
hm.......for someone who doesnt consider me an adult WHY am i initiating social conversation with a grown 50 yr old male???

no seriously.
i cant do this "repairing" a relationship with my mom anymore. i have tried countless times since i was a little girl. it has NEVER changed except very very slightly. and i mean its not even that noticeable.

but see im giving up so much of myself. im very literally sacrificing and not getting back ANYTHING of substance. i mean its so little that its not working.

if i keep going this IM going to be the one screwed over badly. and NOT her. and then ill be told why didn i pay attention to myself. its because EVERYONE else was telling to keep going. IM NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE.

Excellent fingers crossed.

My son got the job. Full time permanent, starting Aug. 12. Unfortunately it involves selling on the phone. Still, there's a six week training period. Hopefully he'll be there at least two months and start getting his savings account back up to a healthier place.

Fantastic! Congrats!

Radiance, Cybermember, Newtus

Yey! I'm so glad that he got it, Costello! I hope that it won't be too stressful though, and will raise his self-esteem like the last one did.

Today has been another day wasted away by being in bed for most of it. If I'm honest the sedation isn't the real reason: I'm being lazy cos I'm depressed, and if I'm asleep I don't have to think about going back to Uni soon/exams/anything else :/

*Willow*

Newtus, your parents sound like how my parents were to me. You have to stop looking to them for approval. You keep banging your head on the same wall expecting a different response. They will never change but you can. You can choose how much you interact with your mom, especially being that you don't live with her.

For me, one day I had had enough of the bs and just stopped talking with them. It's been the best decision I've ever made. It was hard at first but got easier with time.

Bottom line, you have to get rid of toxic people in your life. Even if it means family.

Learn and live your life.

I was going to post this in the dissociative disorder forum.. but I don't know.. Maybe ye can relate to this a bit..

I feel off.. Where I'm not myself. I'm not dissociating but it feels like I'm TOO much myself. I'm in the moment completely and it scares me. I feel like people are watching me through the windows so I stare at the windows until i can convince myself that no one is standing there, same with looking at the door.

I feel like I need to be more dissociated or i don't know not enough.. I don't know if a stimulant will help me or not. Ill try and drink a lot of coffee and see if that helps. This feeling is awful Ill talk to my psychologist about it. It's getting worse and worse.. it feels like I need to end my life in some way to get rid of this feeling of course it's crazy but i want out of this..

i never in my life have looked to my mo ther for approval or ANYTHING. i even quit looking for her to love me many years ago. i had people around me at that time and counselors saying i need to try and try and try all this ****. so i did.

believe me this is something i mostly dont want to do. thats why im trying so hard to get away from her. in every way. im so glad my parents divorced and she moved away.

i try to talk to her as less as i can. i just dont want to.

i quit with the bs A LONG time ago by now. maybe 3 years ago.

this isnt my doing. and since im young im still attached to her from a few specific strings im just trying to cut myself from. thats all.

as far as my dad - i realized how much of a godsend he has been to me. ive never quite met any other adult like him. I MEAN any other adult that treats their kids as he has me. my mom want to get conservatorship of me. then wanted HIM to for me. he said no. she suggested to him he keep my money under tight lock and give to me when i need it. he said no that i need to learn how to be an adult on my own. and THATS something ive been wanting to do. my mom doesnt consider me an adult by any means. but does my sister. my sister is 8 years older than me. BUT my moms logic on it doesnt make sense - just to keep it short.

***tthis is why ive been fighting to help my dad. ive NEVER in my life had anyone not only help me but stand by my side AND stand up for me like he has. thats why i get so pissed off i told him - when he drinks and doesnt care for himself. hes a really good man and i told him im scared to death to lose him. because besides him being my dad and loving him - if i lose him i KNOW i will have no where to go and no one to turn to.***

@ cybermember - amen!

@ willow. I am sorry you are feeling depressed. Could it alieviate any school worries to do some preparing? Review studies, stock your supplies, plan outfits, double check locations? (That's what I would do, might be rubbish to you!) I hope you feel better.

I had a superfakepolite fight with a medical nursepractitioner today. Stupid soandso's.

Newtus, maybe the word "approval" wasn't the best word choice for what I was trying to convey. I was just trying to say is that you allow your mother to take up space in your head at the expense of your well being. She makes you sick. I don't know how else to say it. And if she makes you sick then that's a toxic person.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

Cyber: I agree with what you are saying. I have done years of work on my self and the psychology of why I hang on to these toxic relationships. My own mother is the death of me yet she is still my mother, I am conflicted. In the past I have cut her off entirely and not spoken to her for over a year at a time. Most recently I quit speaking to her for 6 months. She just doesn't get it.

I wish I could just never speak to her ever again, but for me it isn't realistic. I think a lot of people feel like me. IDK. There is history for me there. As far as learning from her I am finding recently that she has medical issues that affect me since we share the same biological dispositions. What we are finding about her neurologically is going to steer me in the right direction medically.

My answer for me is to keep a safe distance, learn what I can and not become enmeshed.

Newtus: I really feel your pain. My mom was never a nurturing, loving, accepting mother. She is not and never was my refuge. I never felt I was embraced by her, and I never will be. I will never be able to lean on her if I found myself with no one and no place to go. I'd be better off seeking solace with the people of Walmart.

I think a lot of us here feel the conflict regarding our loved ones.

Thanks Gr3tta! I know that I need to do something about it rather than laze about in bed cos it just makes me feel worse in the end. Tomorrow I'm going clothes shopping with my brother because he wants me to spend some time with him, which will get me up and out of the house even though I don't really want to go. On Sunday I'm ripping the plaster off and driving back to my Uni house, because I have no choice as I have exams in 3 weeks and I need to revise. I've also arranged to start volunteering, even though I'm terrified of doing that too. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other even though I'm scared and don't have the energy or motivation. Fingers crossed!

Hope you're ok after your 'polite fight'

*Willow*