Roll Call Eight

i just realized these a-holes had me on xanax and ambien and didnt taper me off them. seriously idk. 6 meds is overkill for ME period. i can do well with 1 AP and then something for something else. wtf am i doing on TEGRETOL btw? why am i on it? i have no idea.

the doc said "you are articulate". i think he though i wast too articulate for schiz. and i think he put me as bipolar mixed. BUT IM SO FAR FROM BIPOLAR. CLINICAL BIPOLAR. WHERE MY MOODS ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

SO IM DEPRESSED AS A SCHIZ AND NOW IM BIPOLAR?!

iIF ANYTHING IM SCHIZOAFFECTIVE. BUT YOU CANT MATCH ME UP WITH BEING BIPOLAR. YOU WANNA TALK TO THE 7+ DOCS WHO HAVE GIVEN ME SCHIZOAFFECTIVE AND SCHIZOPHRENIA SINCE I WAS 17? AND MY SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY THAT SAYS SCHIZOAFFECTIVE? YOU WANNA LOOK AT THAT?

i actually just realized he was one of those docs that didnt believe in schizoaffective and believe its either "bipolar or schizophrenia" and labeled two people on the unit as schizophrenic who i strongly believed 1 was partially mentally retarded. he had TONS of people on the unit i found out labeled as having depression or bipolar. one girl said she was "bipolar with schizoaffective tendencies". wtf is that? that sounds like that should be schizoaffective - bipolar INSTEAD.

I was out putting up my fence a couple of hours ago when I heard a commotion. I looked up and the neighbor's dog was chasing one of my chickens. I ran the dog off and found the wounded chicken under a tree. I went over and confronted the neighbor. She didn't apologize. She didn't offer to make it right. I told her her dog had got six chickens so far, seven counting today's. She just kept saying, I only know about one in May.

Lie and deny is her style.

oh for the love of ****. I'm so sorry newtus. This is complete bull**** on their part and I'm sorry you keep getting bipolar thrown at you. It's happened to me so often and I'm just as fed up about it as you are.

Frankly a lot of the reason the schizoaffective dx scares me so much is that I don't want to be put on MORE ****ing meds that aren't necessary. Antidepressants do nothing for me except make things worse. Same with mood stabilizers. My mood isn't always great but it doesn't cause me dysfunction and NOTHING ABOUT MY MOOD FITS THE CRITERIA FOR A MOOD DISORDER IN THE ****ING DSM.

I know they don't use the sz subtypes in the DSM anymore but it's well known that paranoid schizophrenics are generally more coherent compared to the other kinds of sz. you can be coherent and schizophrenic. Thought disorganization is only ONE of the positive symptoms of schizophrenia. Delusions and hallucinations are just as valid, as are the negative symptoms.

I'm so sick of being told that I'm "too smart", "too coherent", etc to have schizophrenia.

A couple of nights ago I had a nasty bad psychotic episode and I was talking in word salad and obviously delusional and hallucinating(thankfully someone was there with me at the time and kept me from doing anything dangerous)... but my mood was fine, I was just CONFUSED and SCARED because I was PSYCHOTIC. Not DEPRESSED. Not MANIC. GAH.

This misdiagnosing stuff makes me angry not just for people with sz and sza but also for people with bipolar. It seems like bipolar is in vogue right now, everyone's bipolar even when a lot of people with the dx clearly do NOT actually have bipolar. It's a huge invalidation to the people who actually HAVE bipolar. It's just, it upsets me a lot.

thing is i dont keep getting bipolar thrown at me. thats just it. ive only gotten it 2 times in my life compared to the maybe 7+ times ive gotten a schiz dx which should speak for itself. u know?

the doc had a clear case of stereotyping.

for paranoid schiz you didnt even have to have anything but voices and paranoia to get that dx. thought disorganizations wasnt required btw. but anyway yea idk this is crap because IT SHOULD ALSO speak for itself that ADs dont really help me. but ugh idk. maybe they help i cant tell.

tTHIS DOC HAD A CLEAR CASE OF STEREOTYPING.

he asked what i was dxd as a teen. i said SzA. I WAS. some docs dont believe in sza which is STILL in the DSM. the only thing that isnt is the subs of Sz.

I've gotten it a couple of times kind of recently and it just confuses me because I've TRIED seeing it from their point of view and I just don't see it when all is said and done. Whereas I've had schizophrenia or schizoaffective diagnosed SEVERAL times(mostly sz but sza occasionally), bipolar has never been officially dx'd for me as far as I'm aware.

Yeah definitely. I'm really sorry you ran into that. I've had people stereotype me too and it just sucks.

Exactly. ADs don't help me at all, like they literally do nothing except cause horrible side-effects and make me even more prone to self-destruction. I was NEVER seriously suicidal until I was on ADs, I attempted suicide when I was on an AD. Clearly unhelpful for my so-called "depression" that actually seems more like negative symptoms of sz to me(like I have a flat affect, avolition, etc even when I feel good, like today I feel good but you can't tell because my affect is still flat).

Seriously? Wow.

Newtus, Atypical, Costello, Lalalabp

I've looked up the details for the early intervention team where I live so my Mum can ring them and find out what services they offer and what their referral criteria is. I'm so scared they will reject me, and they're my last chance to get some sort of psychosocial intervention (hopefully proper therapy, if they offer it). I was only diagnosed as sza at the end of May, but I've had psychotic symptoms since Feb 2010, though not as persistent as the last year, so I'm not exactly 'early intervention'...

I'm scared because I feel that this is my only shot at recovery.

*Willow*

I don't have actual diagnosis for anything but I'm on an antidepressant and antipsychotic. I suspect bipolar with psychotic tendencies but I don't ****ing know. I'm waiting to see someone buy everything takes too much time Jesus Christ.

Costello: I am so sorry that you have rotten neighbors and I really hope the injured chicken will be ok. It just isn't fair.

I just want to delete all my posts and stop posting but I keep posting because I'm stupid. I'm so scared, they can see every word I write and I hate it. They know what I'll say before I say it. There's NO ESCAPING IT. I have no safe space, nowhere is safe. Nowhere at all.

I wish you luck in getting the therapy.

You can't let them control you. They can see us and hear us and know our thoughts you can't let them get to you. You can't let them win. Hang in there.

You are not stupid Ad. We all need a safe place to vent and for the most part I feel we are safe here.

@ Atypical: First of all I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing at all stupid about you. You are very intelligent and I appreciate your posts. Many times I read your posts and I can relate so much. I admire you for having the courage to post what you do because there's so much that I'd like to say but I don't have the courage to post the way you do. So please know that your post are very important to me and know that you are safe here when you post. No one here judges you or looks down on you for what you post. You never know but your words could help someone else. I know you have helped me before. So please hang in there!

Thank you guys so much, I love you all.

@ Newtus: I am very sorry that you were treated like that by the doctor. About 10 years ago when I went for help I was labeled as Bipolar also. I knew the doctor was wrong but they didn't want to listen to me. So I tried it their way and it only made me worse. That's when I was doing everything they told me to do and I ended up being in the bed for 7 months very sick and very suicidal. Only when I stopped taking the meds did I begin to feel better and I had decided that I was not going to let them control me and that I was going to take my life back. I haven't been on any medications in the last 10 years and I still suffer but I am better off now than I was then. Now this is just my own personal experience. I can't say what will work for other people because we are all different. But I got sick and tired of the doc wanting to pump me full of medications that were only making me worse. I knew I was not Bipolar but those fools wanted to label me as that. I lost all hope and faith in the doctors, and in the therapists. And I have literally not been to see a doctor in 10 years. Many times I wonder if I should search for a doc and a therapist and try to give them another chance to help me but the trust is broken. So I can't bring myself to do that. So I feel for you having to deal with all that. In my opinion I feel like the docs are always trying to stack you on tons of medications that aren't really needed. I watched the very same thing happen to my mother the short time I lived with her when I was younger. She was SZ and they had her on like 5 or 6 medicines and it never helped her. In fact it only made her worse. And one of her dumb ***** doctors tried to change her dx from SZ to Bipolar. It was so freaking obvious that she was not Bipolar! This type of stuff makes me very angry so sorry for the rant!!

we love you too, xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

If you stay strong and don't give your power away to them then this cannot happen!! You are in charge, they are NOT!!!!

@ Costello: It makes me so mad to read that the **** dog got another one of your chickens!!!!! And the way the neighbor reacted just pisses me off to no end!!! Here you are out there putting up a fence, doing all that you can do, and the ****** dog still does that!!!! Those neighbors of yours are just terrible!!!! I sure would have called the police and filed charges on their stupid ******!!!!! They have to be responsible for their dog. They can't allow it to run around killing chickens! What if it had been a small child? Then will the ***** police do something about it?!?!

@ WeepingWillow23: I enjoy reading what you post. I'm so glad you have your mom there to help you and a great family that cares about your well being. You are so blessed! I do hope you are able to find the help that you desire and I hope that it goes well for you. I admire your determination!

Cracking: Thank you for sharing your story of recovery. I agree with so much of what you said.

I don't consider myself in "recovery". I'm just better now than I was before. But still not recovered yet. Some days are better than others. I think I'll always be "unwell" but some days I just handle it better than other days.

Starting to be fixed. Finally.

Glad to read from all who updated.

Glad it's working out.

what IS tegretol ACTUALLY used FOR?

its an antiseizure med...so?