Roll Call Eight

Your description helped.

I think they may be some kind of agaricus, such as the meadow mushroom. Many species of agaricus grow in urban areas. They are saprobes, meaning they survive on decaying organic matter, such as wood chips, leaves and dung. Did they look somewhat similar to a button mushroom?

I'm a bit jealous on the couch front.

What kind of test?

They looked like those mushrooms you buy in a box in the grocery store - only bigger.

I keep sewing my couch cushions back together but it is so comfy I don't really want a new one. Glad you love your new one Gr3tta!

They are definitely from the genus agaricus. The mushrooms you saw are most likely one of these species: A. arvensis (Horse mushroom), A. bernardii, A. bitorquis (Urban mushroom), A. campestris (Meadow mushroom or Pink Bottom), or A. xanthodermus (Yellow foot Agaricus).

Cool! I'll look them up tomorrow and see if I recognize the pictures.

Seems like I've been getting on PC after everyone's gone lately. Bummer! Costello I see you changed your profile picture. Love the picture of the chicken! I hope all of you are doing well. I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm feeling a bit anxious lately. My regular job starts back up here in 2 weeks and I'm not ready! Summer just wasn't long enough. I'm not ready to have to put my "mask" back on and pretend to be normal. I work in an all female environment and I have zero in common with any of them and when I'm around any of them it is so very uncomfortable trying to "fit in". I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Sure wish I could win the lottery so that I could quit work! Of course with my luck that will never happen. I just have to bite my lip and deal with it.

im not sure how i feel bout my blog anymore...i feel exposed.

also dont know how much or what to say on this facebook schizophrenia support group

is any1 on facebook that is aprt of a support group on there?

i had a dream alex j0nes hired me to make docus and write articles. he opened a clothing line at walmart that had slogans i made for his company. it had my full name on the shirts. i started recieving death threats on my cell phone because the slogans and articles and docus had my full name next to them...

You said you were thinking of closing your blog because you felt exposed and I think this definately goes along with that fear. The fear is pretty big for you since you talk about it often. It's a pretty scary dream.

not too scary.
in the dream i was thinking "yes NOW im feeling doing something great. something ive alwways wanted to do. and im also changing the world" and i didnt think about how it would backfire on me exposing the globalists.

I see. Well, it's good it wasn't scary. Getting that empowered feeling from you dream just shows how important it is for you to reach your goals. But also how the fear of being exposed and targeted is holding you back. It's definatley a dream that relates directly to your real life situation.

Thanks Gretta! What's the test for? Wishing you all the best of luck with it. I'm sure you'll do great!

Turns out I misread/misunderstood something important the other day, so a lot of work I've done has been wasted grrrrr! Instead of getting on with fixing the mess, I went back to bed instead I just keep thinking that I'm not going to do well enough in these exams, but I don't see a way out. Burying my head under my duvet is not a viable option unfortunately and is just making things worse...but I keep doing it!

*Willow*

Thanks. That's Greedy Guts when she was a baby.

i am just so..confused. by nearly everything i do.
the danger is als in driving and getting confused.
i am SO confused driving. again and again. almost accident today.
i am completely distracted by my voices HELL IDK IF THEY ARE EVEN VOICES. ITS JUST PEOPLE IN MY HEAD CRITICIZING ME AND TELLING ME THEY WILL KILL ME. oh god. im confused about every ****ing thing from using the godd damn mother****ing bathroom to ****ing eating to freaking talking. people around me ask why and want to know. if i SAY im confused they think im lying or dont believe me. if i say the honest truth its like im being weak. but then im not believed if im honest but then they want me to say the TRUTH. afta the truth WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? A LIE? BECAUSE AFTER THE TRUTH IS SAID WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY? YOU WANT ME TO ADD ON A LIE? AND THEN HAVE YOU CRITIZE ME FOR SAYING A LIE BECUZ YOU DIDNT BELIEVE WHAT WAS INITIALLY SAID? WHAT OTHER ANSWER R U LOOKIN FOR? TELL ME.

...thats how i feel...
n my dad was talking to me about something i didnt understand it and he said "i know you understand what im saying". i said "i just told you didnt?! why dont you believe me? im being honest and upfront and admitting i dont understand. it is not like i have lied to you or acted arrogant. i simply honestly stated that i dont understand".

whats the problem with people if i you tell them honestly you dont understand? sure i get it if someone acted boastful or arrogant or somethig but what if they stepped down from the egotism and honestly admitted they dont understand life and get confused easy?

I am with you 100%! I have this same problem so often. I get so confused and I say I'm confused and nope, not believed. Okay, so what? I'm not lazy or stupid or not paying attention. I am confused. It's teh most annoying thing to be confused. But it's worse to be told you're a lyer.

I hate it when people don't believe me and I'm speaking the truth. It make me so mad. I don't know what people expect, either. I say the truth and called a lie. So.... if I lie and just say what you want to hear, how is that better? Then you get a lie and nothing will be helped or fixed. But maybe if you help me deal with the issue something will get better. Ack, people are agrivating.

So, yeah, I totally understand why you're upset and I have the same problem.

I'm thinking about starting a new story blog but with fantasy short stories and losely base them on the crazy celeb news in the tabloids, even just off random weird ideas I get from reading them / watching on t.v.. Haha. I was thinking of calling it: Tales from the Five Kingdoms. I'll let you know if I do it.

Also, I have a new goal that I want to keep up with the roll call because I think I miss out on a lot, it's just hard for me to follow sometimes.

i just have to say somethin. comment on somethin.

people seem to take me for someone who knows a lot about this system. in which i know more than average. but i have no clue how to help myself. or get help? and may be its a combo of the cognitive stuff. but i jsut i flat out dont know. i mean everything is so limited and twisted to me.

i dont think people realize just a slight bit that if u dont have someone to help you and u dont know yourself that ur mostly sh_t out of luck. and that if you dont know yourself how would you know to FIND the right person to help you in the first place.

see the catch 22?

Yes, I know this. Because, I know I need help but I'm terrible at getting help for myself. I read something in one of the PC articles or their things on bipolar about how people who have bipolar have difficulty getting help for themselves, and may need a family member or friend to help them find a doctor or therapist. This has been a big problem my whole life. I know I need help but trouble getting it, no one wants to take time to help, so I get no help.... it's frustrating..... I'm guessing it's the same or similar with sz.

But, your knowledge of the system is important even if you have the same problem of finding the help...

thanks faerie.

ok..so.....i just realized something. sort of. i asked that group "is resources just psychdocs therapists and support groups?" and someone said "well what else would there be?"

is that REALLY ALL what resources is? is that like ALL? honestly? cuz then im wasting my time and have wasted LOTS of time if thats ALL what resources means.

i was trying to do that everyday app where u take a mugshot of urself once a day for so many years. i just started but i dont do it everyday. just once a week.

BUT i did it for a month now. it freakin looks like a poster for the different stages of psychosis. cuz ive been bad this month and ok maybe twice when i took the actual pic.

omg i wish i could show u guys

I am going to be honest for a minute and say I am pretty offended by the notion that people with certain kinds of mental illnesses are not going to be capable of helping themselves. If you need help- fine - I'm not belittling anyone who does. But its insulting to indicate that anyone is incapable of helping themselves. I know many people with a variety of mental illnesses including bipolar and schizophrenia who are excellent advocates for themselves. There's nothing wrong with asking people to help you, but using your diagnosis as a cop out for being responsible for your own care IS wrong. And it insults all of us, including yourselves.

ok first off. NO ONE IS.

second. im NOT using it as a cop. unless your talking of those people then ur talking down the wrong person. ok?

as for me - im being hoenst that i cant help myself.
i havent seen anyone make an objective statement about that
BUT there is one thing - SOME PEOPLE CANT.

honestly? ive met more people who incapable of helping themselves than can. not 100% incapable but such a large percentage.

the REAL problem lies in that other people dealing with mental illness SUBJECT the other people into their frame of mind that they are just like them in every way of their OWN suffering. and then become judgemental about it. thats the real problem.