Roll Call Eight

i give up.
ive tried everything in my range.
people around me dont know what to say to me.
and dont talk to me much because they have their own lives (understandably).
i have my dad - thats all.
my voices i think are getting bad idk.
they are so clear from outside of me.
i feel like its no use to try to idk what its called - "analyze" things anymore because im tired of it and only come here for support - no where IRL - so whats the use?
i feel like my support here is less and less (understandable too). dont worry im not complaining or asking for more. just stating what i feel. every1 was great.
im more disoriented and past month idk what day it is. im a week off most times.
i couldnt withdraw much more if i even wanted to. i only talk to my dad and on here. there is no one else to withdraw from. i stay in my house most the time and room. so there is no else place to withdraw from. any lower place in my life would be 6 ft deep.

sorry things seem so hopeless. do you want to be around people? sounds like you want to be on your own, which isnt a criticism as i can relate to it. your dad would be devastated if you weren't here please try and look after yourself x

Don't give up there are stories of people being cured even 20 years later. I think you mentioned before that the haldol was taking the voices away...while I'm not pro meds or anti meds for that matter I'm wondering if you could use it on occasion to take the edge off. Make it work for you. I'm worried about you ending up back in the hospital and they won't really give you a choice if you get stuck in there.

sad thing is your right about the hospital.
considering how many times ive been to each place they sent me - they wont give me chances again. why i have to lay low. because the police in 3 cities know me too.

im scared to death to take medication. tha why i rarely take my xanax too.
.....but...it also wont change that i know no one and i have nothing to do in my life. also scared that if i start meds and then just go off again then i def will be in the hospital. i barely get by without any sort of anything. i feel controlled because i told the news and everyone i was being gangstalked (which isnt a lie its truth). i just feel controlled to be shut up now. plus those pills skyrocket my sadness. i almost committed suicide on couple of them.

EDIT.
i have worked so hard to live without these medications. because THEY DONT WORK. AND IT DOESNT WORK EITHER. i feel people have to be out of their f_king mind to take these pills. the side effects alone are big enough to show that its REAL damage to people. increase in suicidality is something i do not want. nor do i want to gain unneccesary weight. and sleep. LIKKE I DID FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND MORE. this would never pass for someone who has tons of money to socialize and get the best alternative treatment in this country.

Well we don't want anything that will make you more sad....yeah they all have that suicide risk warning. Have you ever tried CBT? I'm sure CBT for psychosis doesn't exist where you are yet because its really rare but how about a book? What I'd really want for you is someone who does CBT for anxiety...they can help you to make friends again. When I had CBT we rarely talked about the hallucinations because they went away so quickly so I wasn't really using it for psychosis but just to feel accepted and human again. Having a therapist also gives you someone new to talk to. You might not even want to tell them your dx or they'll just try to get you on meds or at least most of them will.

many of them have asked my dx. what then?
they ask what ive done in my life. half of my life has been in and out of hospitals. the only other thing ive done is college and i barely did that.

Understandable...I was just watching this Whitaker video that Mimi posted on her mind freedom thread and they were talking about brain shrinkage as fast as two years by like11%. I'm kind of pissed off because that wasn't listed on the pamphlet. The weight gain at least I only gained ten pounds. If anything I stay awake more now, I used to sleep 10 hours a night when I was totally well. So for me I've been able to keep my job because of the meds...I got back to work within two weeks so it was worth it for me. I actually got great alternative treatment with CBT not because I'm rich but because I had good timing and location....most of these academic centers offer randomized trials so I could have ended up with boring psychoeducation instead...they just tell you you have a chemical imbalance and need to take your meds.

You can tell them you don't believe in Dx's that there is no biological basis to the DSM. I was lucky because with my psychosis my therapist actually asked how I interpreted it whether I believed in the biological model or if I thought it was spirits or what? Apparently it's very culture dependent. I happened to believe in the biological model and still do to some extent although I think any single model is intrinsically wrong...I honestly believe that we all have slightly different conditions and they are just calling it one thing.

As far as what you're doing explain that you're not currently working and on disability. That you'd like to change your life so it's not as important what you are doing as what you'd like to do. It sucks that you'd have to lie to a therapist but to actually get help I think you might.

thing about that is i asked - even begged for help from ages 13 to 17 and i was mostly ignored. given a pill for depression that was like a placebo really to my body. i was told to be honest and i was and i was ignored and few times told i was lying. time comes now i dont want to see professionals so much anymore if at all.

i am scared of these therapists because they seemingly can tell without me saying much about my dx or even deep symptoms and they can tell that i am very not okay. i have gone in maybe twice and not said my dx and they pull it out of me. they back me into a corner. there questions lead to my symptoms which lead to their conclusion of im psychotic in someway. and i dont even want to say my symptoms really. but if i even say something about my beliefs they start deeming me psychotic.

those are their words not mine but they all have pulled out a list of things they verbally tell me they notice - a few of those people - and its all downhill from their. thats the reason why i have said on here that for SOME reason people can tell. its not my fault and i have tried but i cannot stop it. i mean i cant look normal in any way. i dont do that anymore anyway.

people can think im giving all sort of excuses. but if i exert all my power in doing something...and i fall trying...meaning i have an episode or something...i wont have anyone to helpme anymore. ive been told that by my dad. and i have no one else. whos going to help me then? JUST ME.

god...

i hope when i die no one ever finds my posts...

Hmm how about a book then? It's not as good as a real therapist becuase they can be your friend at the same time, but it is better than zero. I read this one called asperger syndrome and anxiety: by nick dubin. I know it's about autism and anxiety and not sz but I found it really compelling. The guy writes as an outsider, he knows what it's like to be bullied by neurotypicals. And anxiety and stress is an important part of what underlies sz. Anyway give it a shot and tell me what you think.

i was jut thinking about my sadness. or how id rather not like to put it - depression.

i had thought about an AD but they are like placebo to me.

thing is my sadness is so situational yet so hard to obtain

beyond that.....my.....schiz symptoms....are not situational...they seem more....apart of me in every way i am. seems like.

im sorry to report that anything of me considered Sz is built into me. and will never leave.

unfortunately i think my situation does lend itself to Sz. beceause while i could have depression its so situational but the Sz will always be there. no matter what mood. no matter where i am. and my cognitive slippings will always be there. so will my inability to socialize. what am saying is is that it seems as if theres two problems but one cannot be fixed ever. i have anxiety. but the anxiety trades off between paranoia of being awtched n killed and fear of socializing n being around people. it might sound the same but one i fear for my life and the other i fear mostly because i know i am different. but they come from slightly diff places.

Newtus: I think the anxiety associated with not being able to interact with people is what is making you sad right now...that level of isolation would make anyone sad after a while. That's why I offered up an anxiety book it might get you back out into the world. CBT was originally made for depression though so you might want to try managing depression with cbt for dummies by Brian Thomson and Matt broadway-Horner. I started getting depressed a few months ago and made it a quarter of the way through that book before I felt better.

Wiki says: "The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic"

It's true!

Edit: "In severe OCD, obsessions can shift into delusions when resistance to the obsession is abandoned and insight into its senselessness is lost"

facebook has a schiz support group. a few actually. one is private so no one can see your posts. another is open. 2000+ people in the open one though. only 600+ in closed one.

hm i joined the closed one but im not sure quite yet. its on facebook.

actually im not sure. im too afraid.

bf is ringing my cpn tomorrow as he's worried about my thoughts. please dont let me end up in hospital again

It sounds like a lot of people are struggling right now I hope things improve for everyone soon!

I haven't gone back to Uni yet, mainly cos my Dad didn't want me to go yet (even though I've been home several weeks now!), and I still wasn't ready either, but Wednesday is definitely the day I've got to go back because I've said I'll start my voluntary placement on Thursday (which I'm terrified about) :/

*Willow*

I believe this.

A song called Dad has surfaced a memory I regret. Dad, I am really sorry. My apology all those years ago has never gotten rid the remorse I feel for hurting you.

I am proud you are my dad.

I thought about you today, didgee. I saw a couple of mushrooms - or maybe they were toadstools, I don't know the difference - in the yard at my sister's apartment building. Made me think of you.

i have a male voice telling me a am a sex symbol.

i have lost more weight tho cuz not eating - i keep think peeople spitting and urinating in my drinks n food. i threw up today.

Thank you.

What did the mushrooms look like? Maybe I can ID them.

Wow! Not sure I looked closely enough, but I'll try.

They were that off-white color and ... hmmm ... about 4 inches tall and had a kind of a rounded head. Not completely round, but like a flatten ball. There were two, but they weren't near each other. One was in a grassy area. The other was in a flower bed, growing out of an area with some kind of wood chip mulch.

Does that help?

@justmeandmyhead- I hope you won't have to go the hospital. I'm really happy you have a caring bf that is looking out for you though. I hope it turns out okay.

@willow-I don't blame you for being nervous but I'm sure it will be great! You work really hard, and I think you are so brave to tackle all that you do.

I freaking love my new couch! ...but the delivery was a nightmare. I am happy to say that I calmly got the delivery fee refunded though. I am taking a big scary test on Thursday evening! I wish I had more I could do to prepare, but I am doing what I can think of.