Roll Call Eight

@ sometimes - I don't know if you are still upset over it, but just fyi you can eat huge cookies when you are diabetic. You just need to then account for it with insulin. I am sorry you're feeling short tempered. I hate it when I know I'm acting that and its not my true feelings.

I did step two today and I am not feeling confident about it at all. I try not to want things so I don't get disappointed, but I want this. Now I will have to wait. I'm just gonna assume its all ruined now. I'm glad I asked for the whole morning off so I can sit and sulk for awhile.
A good thing - yesterday on our walk one of my dogs startled out a deer. His eyes got so big I thought they might fall right out of his head!

I'd say that's cool but would worry they just consider it demon possession instead...not very optimistic right now. Of course that may be becuase it's 2:39am and I'm awake, ugh.

Where do you know?

I'm sorry that some of y'all had trouble sleeping last night. I actually forced myself to lay down at 10pm & forced myself to sleep. I'm normally never down that early. But I had to get up @ 5:30am to go to a training course that is an hour away from my home. I'm here now & feeling ever so uncomfortable. I'm in a huge room of well over 200 women and I managed to find a place to sit all alone. I wish I didn't have to be here but no choice. It's funny how I feel so alone & hopeless in a room full of so many people. I can't wait until this day is done.

I wouldn't like that either. 200 women.... No thanks. I don't like big crowds in one room.

I like Gr3tta's idea of a "pope box" or you can also envision yourself in a smooth white egg that shields you from others, especially if they are emotional. Basically the same concept.

good luck! hopefully you're out of there soon.

Yuck. Going in to work late is even harder than going on time. Now I just want to stay home!
I could text my boss"sorry, but I can't come in because I have a kitty on my lap :P" ...I don't think that would go over too well.
Okay, 10 more minutes. Then I'm going in. Really. Maybe I'll pack some sugar free pudding as a treat to have at work. I hope we got some more admits so I won't be bored!

CS: I'm glad you got your sticker! In your "why feelings matter" session you should have asked, "Do my feelings of anxiety about large groups matter in this instance?" LOL.... I always think of things I would never say outloud....

LOL! I could never speak out loud in a big group like that. I learned something though......that I'm very messed up socially! I'd like to disappear right now!

Sometimes p: I think it is great and very therapeutic that you are able to challenge and confront your pdoc.
I believe your crankiness is normal considering the recent med change. IMHO dealing with emotions in a positive way ---really really feeling them and not trying to analyze them so much--- is the path to recovery. We have been told for so long that we are defective and every thought and feeling and experience is a part of a disease or disorder and what we experience is not normal, we are told we need to be treated, medicated. IMO recovery especially w/out meds or reduced meds means really feeling our feelings. It's really uncomfortable though. ( FYI I have been very angry lately, and stuff around my mother is bubbling at the surface.) Rather than tell myself that my irritability is not rational or logical, I am allowing myself to just feel it and acknowledge how uncomfortable it is. Yesterday I broke down and cried. I was very sad. I tell myself it is ok and it will pass and it does.
(Costello has reminded me in her posts about how nothing is really static, and even in our worst times of feeling out of control and awful, things do pass. Thanks Costello)

I think the insomnia stuff will level out for you as time passes, but it's definitely something to keep in check, even if that means a mild sleep aide.

Sorry not to respond earlier...I managed to go back to sleep solid 7 hours. I normally need 9.5 hours of sleep so I can't just stay up whenever I want but if I literally cannot sleep because of the sickness it means I'm a little manic and 2 is enough. No your questions are not annoying.

The crankiness is tolerable but I just noticed that I'm complaining and more negative even around here since reducing the dose to five and now 2.5. This was never part of my normal personality, most of my anger seems directed toward my pdoc right now which is actually unfair but it's a lot safer than other targets because he defends himself well. Basically I told him how I was worried about my diabetic friend eating a huge cookie, almost livid...he said we could just talk it through so we went point by point. Then when he asked me what book i was reading I told him it was a little anti psychiatry then I challenged him about the mechanism of action of the meds and the inaccuracy of the dopamine theory and he just put his feet up and told me a long story about his views on treatment and forced treatment. Completely dodged the mechanism but then I told him I'd take flower essences if they worked so I wasn't totally concerned with the mechanism. Then I started going off on peer support and how he could never provide the same thing and he just took it. In retrospect I was being entirely too challenging for someone wanting to go off the meds but I'm still happy I brought it up...at least I can trust him not to intervene just because I'm not being super happy to see him and pleasant like on the meds.

I challenge my psychiatrist too. Sometimes it annoys her but she knows it isn't personal. I think they expect us to.

One time we discussed our relationship. She noted it has an element of power to it but that it is like any other type or relationship. I am not convinced (yet) but as I get to know her I am starting to see how true her comment is because she puts so much effort into it. She has proven to me it isn't about power and being a know-it-all. Your psychiatrist appears to be the same way.

My psychosis helped me accept myself. Why? I have always felt like an outsider due to my social difficulties and cognitive style. It helped me accept and embrace my eccentricities, because it proved I was meant to be different. It also confirmed I was misdiagnosed. The elimination of that doubt has helped tremendously. Now, I understand.

I wish my sadness would dissipate. It comes from all the years of seeking answers and trying to conform to who I was apparently supposed to be.

I really like how you said this, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here.

My psychosis helped me accept myself. Why? I have always felt like an outsider due to my social difficulties and cognitive style. It helped me accept and embrace my eccentricities, because it proved I was meant to be different. It also confirmed I was misdiagnosed. The elimination of that doubt has helped tremendously. Now, I understand.

I wish my sadness would dissipate. It comes from all the years of seeking answers and trying to conform to who I was apparently supposed to be.

Hopefully my grammar is correct this time.

You know, this is similar to why I was relieved to learn I had bipolar and a doctor confirm it. Because I had always been different. And, I had known I wanted or needed some sort of help even as a kid. I was a depressed kid. I was able to "play" happy but I was depressed. Even my family and cousins would just go off on me for being too sensitive.

It was validation that I was not a lying POS or attention seeker. That yes, something was different about me. And I was okay with being different, knowing that the difference actually was recognized and not something I was making up for attention.... I didn't want attention, I just wanted to know why I was different.

Ugh! I got a letter from some stranger at the jail. My son told me some guy wanted to write to me. I should have been clearer that I do not want letters from people I don't know you are staying at the jail. I don't want my address given out to strangers. Has he no common sense at all?