Roll Call Twelve

I want to run away a lot.

I hate my life!!!!!

I almost freaked out in a grocery store last night, and what bothers me is that freaking out in public is absolutely NOT something I do. But I did get it reigned in and I doubt anybody noticed I was being weird except my wife. She probably just thought I was having trouble deciding or got mildly distracted. I'm annoyed with my own head though.

Hugs for fellow strugglers and stragglers.

So sorry to hear that Gr3tta!
I'm sitting here at work thinking of ways to get off early! I thought about saying I had to leave because one of my kid's called from school and said they were sick. That would be a straight up lie and I don't like to ever lie because I totally believe in karma. That if I do bad or say bad or tell a lie that something will happen to me 7 times worse as a pay back! So I tell those lies to get out of my head and here I sit waiting for it to be 2pm so that I can go home! Thank God it's nap time and the kids in my classroom are all asleep. Today has been a very challenging day. Just dealing with the stuff inside my head is enough to make me want to scream! I'm so sick and tired of being "unwell"!!!!

Thank God the school part of my day is over!

The relief is gone, replaced by the feeling that I'm a horrible person for feeling relief over my diagnosis. Like I have no right at all to be so okay with it. Oh well, I'm not okay right now, so I guess I shouldn't feel like that anymore.

I'm remembering things from before I started medication, and I'm extremely angry that nobody had caught this sooner. They used to just say I 'wanted' to be crazy, and that I was making what I saw up.

Just because I didn't have the 'usual' want to hide my symptoms doesn't mean I was faking them. I also have ADHD and a lot of issues with controlling what I tell people. But then again they didn't catch THAT until a lot later in life too.

I feel angry. I was so open about everything. The things I saw and believed. People should have -known-.

So sorry Coyote! Hopefully now you'll be able to receive some help. I wish you the very best

im very sad

my cat i had for 8 years is dying

That's terrible---that seems so young.

my cat and i were special. we did everything together. she would sit and watch when i would dance. wed listen to the radio together. she would listen when i would rant about my voices and paranoia. she slept with me. i mean we just did everything together and just other stuff...

i had her ever since she was 6 months old. and she has liver failure right now. is in the hospital overnight for a few days.

I'm sorry about your cat, newtus. I lost two this year. It's hard.

thank u costello. :/

i had to spend 400 at the vet today. it might go up 600+.

so now i have financial and emotional stress

I'm so sorry to hear that Newtus! My one and only real life friend had her cat die the other day. She had her cat for 14 yrs! It was really hard on her

Decisions, decisions, decisions........I hate trying to make a decision! I've got about 7 months to figure out this moving thing but my brain wants to figure it out right now and I just can't stop thinking about it! It's driving me nuts!!! I wish I could just turn my brain off!!!!

my money is slowly dwindling in my bank acct.
idk what to do.
im trying to make payments lower on stuff like netflix. but it doesnt change much.
i spend thro almost my full disability payment in the first half of the month. almost. with a couple hundred to spare.

this is quite stressful

@cracking - sometimes it can be a burden having too much time to think something over rather than too little! If I had to make a decision for you under fire? Decide right now move or stay? I'd say move. It sounds like you want to, change is good, and seven months gives you time to research places, save some money, and make plans with your other family members. I say be bold, and go for it!

I've been having these really weird thoughts, they seem to have calmed down since I was put on Olanzapine two weeks ago, now they seem more like background thoughts than loud thoughts and it doesn't feel like they are my own because I'm not actually thinking of them, they just occur randomly. They can be anything though, like snippets of conversations or a quote from a film or something contradicting my actual thoughts or even two voices arguing in my head.

Has anyone ever had this?

@Twigg - would you say its more like actual voices talking in your head? Or like intrusive thoughts?

Btw I am about to leave for work with no sleep all night so I probably should not give advice. But I thought it safe to ask questions.

Just like... thoughts that aren't mine. I think my psychiatrist thinks they are hallucinations because she prescribed my Zyprexa.

well...
...i got my injection.

i hated it so much i wanted to cry. but also i cried a little bit just cause my cat might die is affecting me too.

but i just hate how stupid mental health workers and the system just leave you high and dry.

What's wrong with your cat?

My mental health people think I'm having delusions that my cats are going to die but I know they are and it's tearing me to bits in side.

she has liver failure

Aw sorry

i just called the vet. my cats doing better. they said "perkier". so thats good.

im hoping she pulls through...