Roll Call Twelve

Chem Trails



Just outside my house

I was plugging along and doing okay for the most part then the cold days set in. I usually have a hard time in the winter months with the short daylight hours and numerous holidays. It's always a stressful time of year for me. My hospitalizations have occurred this time of year but I don't think I'm hospital material at the moment. I'm just irritable/agitated and trying not to self-medicate by going on spending sprees.

Thanks for asking KUREHA.

Glad you're doing a bit better than other years
I hope you don't end up in the hospital as well.

Mon fils aussi.

We've talked about this a couple of times recently. This time of year is hard for him. He's just quit his job, so I told him to get outside during the day and get as much sunlight as he can. Surviving Christmas is his next goal.

How do you recognise when the thoughts aren't your own? Like just now I thought 'I want to kill myself,' but I don't want to kill myself, so why would I think that?

Personally I think all of my thoughts are my own. Sometimes they're wrong or inaccurate. Sometimes I don't want to own them, because I don't like what they seem to say about me. But they're all my own.

Where do you think this thought may have come from? What does it mean to you?

I don't know where it comes from but I get it a lot, and I sometimes say it out loud without really noticing, I feel like I'm cursing myself too and that I'll end up getting cancer or something because I'm wishing death on myself. I'm not really wishing death on myself though, because I don't want to die, the thought of wanting to kill myself just appears out of nowhere, I'm not really that good at explaining things, sorry.

Thanksgiving there were 5 of us but Xmas we'll be going over a friends house where there will be LOTS of people. So indeed, surviving Xmas is a good next goal. But, then there's New Year's Eve with another round of people so that's another goal for me to get through. It's stressful slothing through it but I'm sure your son and I will come out on the other side when all is said and done. Somewhat frayed, but for the most part fairly intact. Well, at least that's my intention and wish the same for your son.

Utilizing WildDivineOnline and looking forward to January 2nd when the holiday's will be over.

BTW, my housemate bought the condemned Super Storm Sandy property a couple of weeks ago so the process of leveling the condemned house and building a new one has begun. If all goes as planned (fat chance!), we should be moving into the new house around this time next year. Great! Perfect timing for when I get overly stressed this time of year. Then I have to start with a new T at a different location because of the move. It's the same organization just different location and T.

Yippee!

I get this sometimes. It is easy for me to recognize what it is because the thought is loud, abrupt and foreign. This feeling is very different from wondering thoughts, because I sense those as my own.

You're not cursing yourself, hon.

my DAD got really drunk on thanksgiving and was fallin over n stuff. i thought i was gonna hve to call 911 again. or emergency. we talked about him going inpatient or outpatient rehab but he says no. and says he stopped drinking now for GOOD. but idk yet...

i stayed up til 4am til he got sober again on friday morning to make sure he didntget out of bed or fall over again or have a alcohol induced stroke and die almost again.

i left him on thanksgiving day to goto my moms and thats when he got drunk. in the morning and then drank the rest of the GIN when i was gone THERE. BAC of .2 and more. prob .4 when i got home. the day i left i felt a tug on my arm like "this isnt a good idea" and heard hallucinations of sirens in my head and i felt like something was gonna happen to him or him die while i was gone. but he just got more drunk.

lotta hallucinations lately. i had a nightmare that i was raped on the street. walking.

been feelig demonic energy everywhere lately. demons pass through me a lot. speaking thru me.

my family found out i was abusing my xanax. for some reason i told my mom i took 40 when i only took ten when i was on it. i cant keep my mouth shut i guess. she told my sister and my sister told my dad...

I think you need to find a healthier place to live, newtus.

thats what everyone here and my mom/sis been saying that but i dont think i can live alone. my mom thinks i should be in a group home but i dont think so.

ive looked this up and went aome places but idk if id get a reliable answer...

im on .5mg xanax
if im taking 3-10 pills a day that doesnt make me an addict does it?

I'm here. I'm convinced that natural disasters are fake, Stan is telling me they are created on a green screen.

Sent from the pickle jar using TapaTalk 4 pro.

There are options other than living alone and living in a group home.

I can't stop saying cuz on the internet newtus infected me

well i only worked 5.5 hours today but i felt like crap i even threw up in the parking lot and was too afraid to tell the CSMs that i was feeling ill and needed to leave so i toughed it out. it was very hard to keep a smile on my face and talk to the customers when i feel so badly. i called in for tomorrow. im supposed to work 7 to 4 i just cant imagine doing it. tomorrow would be my 4th day in a row working on a 5 day stretch. i just cant do it. they are working me overtime and i still havent said anything. im such a baby. i need to man up and grow some testicles. i cant work full time because its taking its toll on me and im starting more classes next semester. i think imay call personnel with T on tuesday. so he can be with me for the hard parts. well i feel like crap i took a benadryl and a zzofran for the nausea. im glad i dont have to work tomorrow. im glad icalled in sick.

What do you mean?

I signed for a loan a month ago and I was suppose to get the money two weeks later. The money has yet to come in and my boyfriend and I are not doing well financially. He had to sell his valuable magic cards for a quarter of what they are worth and it makes me so ridiculously angry. We can't buy groceries and I already borrowed money from my family which is already gone. I feel like breaking down because of it all and I just don't understand where that money is. I need to go to my college and find out how they screwed up, but I already can tell I will have a horrible break down when I get there. I honestly need a break and life isn't giving me one atm.

what are my other options on healthier places to live tho?

You can get a roommate or live in supportive housing. Supportive housing usually has different levels of support.

I lived in a group home once and hated it. It wasn't appropriate for my situation.

Make sure you research your options thoroughly.

Wow there is a lot of spraying going on outside my house.

R.I.P Paul Walker